Parvati Devi

Ask Parvati 43: The Present Is The Present - Part 3: Gold Trapped In A Rock

2012-01-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from “Turning Drama Into Fierce Discernment”)

Being able to see these unlikely opportunities in others’ lives has helped me to find the gifts in my own. It is like finding gold trapped inside of a rock. We can find hidden treasures in the most unlikely places.

Today I had an “a-ha” moment. My mind stopped. Life sprang open into technicolour and multiple dimensions. The daily hum-drum spontaneously blossomed into full life-presence. For a moment I felt through my whole being that all, yes, absolutely all is perfection. It seemed as though all that is, is grace, a gift, a perfect teaching, giving me exactly what I need to evolve in this moment. In this moment, the Universe, God, pure consciousness (whatever you want to call it) is reflected back to me through my life situations, perhaps even most powerfully in areas of my life that seem painful.

I love my partner. He also can drive me crazy at times. We have a profound, unique connection, one I know without any doubt I could not replicate with another person. In this way, I know he is perfect for me. Despite that knowing, there are times I have been very much challenged.

Last night, I was able to see that even his gnarly bits, when I am willing to be fully present, provide me perfectly with what I need to know and learn in order to evolve. “Oh! What? Are you crazy?” I can hear some part of me immediate speak up as I type that. But yes, it is true. In his gnarly bits, I am given a perfect present in the present, when I am willing to see this moment exactly as it is - now.

Much of our time, as I am sure many would agree, can be spent wishing this moment were this way or that way. “If only I had more of this and less of that” - then my life would be great. We can get so busy wishing for things in the future or attached to things of the past, we miss what is right before us.

Sometimes I can fall into thinking, “if only I had outsmarted what happened in my life, figured out a better way, been faster, more clever…, I would have been able to...”. But I am learning to see that this moment offers me everything I need. Everything. There is no there or then. This now is everything I need. Even my partner’s gnarly tendencies are the perfect recipe to help me love myself and the world more fully. I grow stronger by not resisting what is.

EXERCISE

Take a moment now. Look around you. Notice what you see. Settle into this moment. Imagine it were perfect. Give yourself that leap of faith just for a moment. Test drive perfection. See what it feels like. What do you notice? Do you really see? Do you really smell, taste, touch, and feel? Can you allow yourself to relax a bit more, here, now, exactly where you are so that you sense of perception broadens to welcome all that is before you, in this moment? Can you welcome this moment, exactly as it is? What are you afraid of? What pain keeps you running so that this moment is too painful to be in? What are you hiding from by being here? What are you resisting?

Ask yourself these questions, with gentleness and self-acceptance. It is important to be gentle here, as often we are tense, resistant to the moment because we are afraid and somehow in pain. So let yourself slowly expand to meet this moment so that you can see it more fully, open, ready and willing to be here now.

See if you can welcome this moment so that the present becomes the greatest gift of your life. Think of it this way: if the present is the present, and your whole life is made up of zillions and billions of moments, think of how many presents are waiting for you if each moment is a gift! When we open to what is, we become the wealthiest person alive. And that is the kind of wealth that stays with you for an eternity.

PS. A reminder that Thursday is the last day to send your questions for the next Ask Parvati to ask@parvatidevi.com. Also, I have some news: this blog format is going to be changing soon with more inspiring stuff to come. Stay tuned!

Ask Parvati 43: The Present Is The Present - Part 2: Turning Drama Into Fierce Discernment

2012-01-30T08:47:00.001-05:00

(Continued from “The Bounty of Boundaries”)

Bill can be a bit of a drama queen. He too is sensitive, like Suzie, but in a different way. He can easily lose his sense of self with others, should someone say something that may trigger him into feeling that he is a bad person. It could be the simplest thing. But for him, it becomes big. He then allows himself to get taken over by the idea of being a bad person, to the point that his drama queen will act out to draw attention to himself, so he can feel temporarily better. But like any painful cycle, drama can become exhausting. So Bill has been courageously doing therapy to look into these self-destructive patterns.

Interestingly, Bill is an active devotee of the Hindu warrior goddess Kali. When faced with tricky, dark energies, Kali is never sucked in. Without a moment’s hesitation, She fiercely pulls out her sword, fully present for whatever is before Her. With razor sharp discernment that cuts through even the subtle complexities of Time and Karma, She severs any demonic ties and protects the evolution of light.

Bill could choose to feel a victim to life and use his drama queen tendencies to act out his pain. Or he could choose to see his tendencies as grace that supports his healing. Through his painful behaviour, he has a powerful opportunity. When he consciously chooses to access the fierce courage he sees in Kali and turn it to see the fullness of his own negative tendencies, he learns to discern and cut through the fog of trickiness with clear sight. Then, some kind of alchemy takes place. Using the same energy that usually ends in a blow-up, he instead turns that power to face the interference patterns that usually pull him into feeling less than he is. With that power, he can say an unequivocal “no” to destructive tendencies and an absolute “yes” to his own magnificence. No drama required, just beautiful life-force incarnate.

In Bill’s recovery process, even his destructive habits can be fertile soil in which a new discernment muscle can grow. Because of the painful pattern, he knows he needs to find another way. As he gains insight into the thoughts behind the outbursts, he is beginning to understand that if he allows himself to be swayed by the negative ideas and energies of others, he will fall down a dark hole into self-despair. In this dark drama habit, he has an opportunity to learn a powerful and hard-to-learn lesson on the spiritual path: "neti, neti" ("not this, not this"). By facing his tendencies, he strengthens his personal ability to discern which energies he will support, and which he will not. With mastery, like his chosen deity Kali, he will eventually learn to pull out his sword of discernment and cut off painful drama at the pass.

More tomorrow with “Gold Trapped In A Rock”

Ask Parvati 43: The Present Is The Present - Part 1: The Bounty of Boundaries

2012-01-29T15:45:00.002-05:00

Problems May Actually Be Opportunities

Dear Parvati,

Someone said to me the other day that even the things about myself that I don’t like are actually gifts. How can this be true?

Sometimes it’s easier to learn about ourselves by observing others. I have found watching people in my life, (at times working my way though judgment, blame, anger, guilt, envy or jealousy - the whole range of emotions one can project onto another), I have been inadvertently taught by those around me.

Take one friend of mine, let’s call her Suzie. She is a wonderfully sensitive person who loves the arts, nature and has a real affinity for healing. She also is an addict. Suzie courageously goes to SLA meetings (sex and love anonymous) to face her co-dependency tendencies and to help her find the inner strength to look at and heal her addictive patterns. Through her friendship, I have found myself learning to be present for her ups and downs, finding new ways to express understanding, compassion and patience. I have also had a powerful mirror to face parts of my shadow, such as tendencies to judge, become self-righteous or impatient.

Recently Suzie and I were talking, when suddenly I found myself suggesting that I felt her addiction could be seen as a tool, or even a gift, along her spiritual journey. I have seen how her movement towards sobriety provides her with a great opportunity for self-discovery. I have also seen how her addiction has been the perfect soil in which she has had to learn to grow into fullness.

She is one of the most gifted people I have met in terms of sensitivity to the unseen. She feels energies, presences in people, plants and animals like few people I know. Yet she also has problems with boundaries. Perhaps her challenge with learning healthy boundaries has also left her more open to the unseen. As she learns to heal her tendency towards broken boundaries, not only is she becoming more capable of having healthy human relationships, but she is even more able to navigate the unseen.

Some may see Suzie’s addiction as a hindrance for her to find lasting love and healing. At one level, I would agree it is. It has brought her to her knees, broken her heart open and continues to challenge every part of her being to grow. Through her healing, something bigger is going on. By the very fact that she is challenged to find clear, powerful and subtle boundaries through her recovery process, her addiction has been the fertile ground in which she can learn the subtle skill to maneuver in the unseen world, and in turn, amplify her natural gifts and sensitivities there. Her addiction on one level is a problem and must be healed. Yet by embracing it as an opportunity, it becomes a gift that also empowers the evolution of her unique soul voice and natural gifts.

EXERCISE

We all have gnarly bits and negative tendencies that seem to create pain and havoc in our lives. What are yours? Are you willing to embrace them without judgment and somehow consider them gifts? What is your soul learning through them? By lovingly accepting your shadow, ask yourself how it can be seen as fertile soil for your unique soul growth. Make a list of your painful tendencies and see if you can dig deeper into you heart wisdom and see the gifts there.

More tomorrow with “Turning Drama Into Fierce Discernment”

Ask Parvati 42: Healing Shame - Part 2: Bringing the Wounded Bits to the Light

2012-01-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from "Toxic Shame")

The misperception that we are fundamentally flawed, which feeds our sense of shame, does need healing, but not because we are wrong, bad, ugly, awful or damaged. The misperception needs healing simply because it is untrue. It is an illusion perpetuated by our wounded self-perception. It exists because we give it power. We fear that it's the truth, so we hide it away.

As we reveal our broken bits from the darker recesses of our psyche, we eventually see that we are all beings of light that cast shadows, on an evolutionary journey back to the One place of undivided consciousness of pure love. In every moment, no matter what shame binds our perception temporarily, we are loved and supported beyond what we can habitually and consciously see.

If you feel you suffer from debilitating shame, other than reading John Bradshaw’s book, I would recommend professional help from a skilled therapist who can help create a safe place in which you can allow your feelings of low self-worth to emerge, without judgment. Because shame exists in the severed places in our self that we fear, the process of revealing them in a safe environment is powerfully healing, just in itself. We need to be seen, just as we are. When we bring our wounded bits to the light and we see we will not die, we will not be punished, we will not be annihilated but are loved and accepted, we feel more alive and whole than ever before.

If you suffer from an addiction of any kind, the twelve-step programs are very powerful and transformative. If you have not yet given a meeting a try, then please look up your local AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) or NA (Narcotics Anonymous) or SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) or OA (Overeaters Anonymous) or WA (Workaholics Anonymous) – depending on your particular tendency - and show up for a meeting. When you go, you likely will feel that you don’t belong and will want to turn around and leave. This is natural. Many other people at the meetings likely feel the same way. But this is also part of the denial that keeps you acting out and feeding the shame that binds you. That inner voice that whispers “I don’t belong here” or “this is not me” is spoken from that severed places in your psyche that keeps you feeling disempowered, broken and doing things you really don’t want to do. Children of addicts often too develop either borderline or addictive tendencies and would benefit from groups like Al-Anon, where meetings are specifically designed for friends and families of addicts. I discuss addiction more in Ask Parvati 27.

Healing your inner child is an essential component in healing toxic shame. You can read about how to do that in a variety of blogs I have written, such as my recent post on the power of the inner child. Once you open to your inner child, you will be more inclined to follow your bliss, and create the life you truly love.

Most of all be gentle with yourself in this deep and powerful healing process. The pain that caused you to bury the shame deep in the recesses of your psyche was real for you. There is an essential grieving component to healing shame and healing your inner child. This takes time and patience. As most addict support groups would say, “easy does it” and “take it one day at a time”.

Thank you for this week’s question. Please send me your questions by Thursday this week so it may be answered in this Sunday’s post. Until then, be very well.

Ask Parvati 42: Healing Shame - Part 1: Toxic Shame

2012-01-22T11:40:00.001-05:00

Dear Parvati,
My life looks good on the surface - I'm intelligent, good looking, have a decent job, a good relationship - but I feel like a loser. I can't seem to stop doing things I'm not proud of, like spending evenings playing World of Warcraft instead of working on my writing (I want to publish a novel), or letting the vegetables rot in the fridge while I eat chips for supper or order pizza... meanwhile I'm paying $100/month for a gym membership and not using it. I think most people who know me are really fooled and they think I have it so much more together than I really do. I'm afraid that if they found out the reality, they'd all get disgusted and drift away from me. My significant other has brought up the idea of living together, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if she sees how I really live. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in shame for not being a better person. How do I fix this?

Thank you for your question. Hiding is hard to do at any time, especially on an ongoing basis. Hiding our true self from our self and the world is extra hard, even painful. You may think you are the only one who does things you want to hide from others and your self. But in truth, many people struggle with similar feelings of personal shame and self-disgust. Because hiding supports shame, it's important to remember that the more down on yourself you feel, the more you feed the shame, that is usually fueled by feelings of low self-esteem or a wounded sense of self-worth.

Shame is quite common. It is a fundamental motivator behind our pain-driven behaviours, such as compulsions, co-dependency, addictions and the drive to over- or under-achieve. These compulsions can break down families and friendships and destroy our personal lives. To some extent or another, most people suffer from some degree of shame, hidden in the recesses of their psyches. That is what shame does. It hides in the dark where we cannot see it. Yet out of our conscious sight, it wreaks havoc on our lives. Shame undermines the expression of our authentic self and our ability to live our true potential.

John Bradshaw, author of “Healing the Shame That Binds You”, reminds us that there two kinds of shame: toxic shame binds us into toxic behaviors; healthy shame helps us feel balanced remorse for things we do, think and say that do not support our highest good or the good of all. The shame I address here is toxic. It is the kind that thwarts our brilliance, joy and fulfillment in some capacity or another.

If you feel you suffer from toxic shame, you may consider reading John Bradshaw’s very helpful book on the topic. Written 17 years ago but still selling more than 13,000 copies a year, the book is considered a classic authority on the subject. It has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address the root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past. I would recommend it for pretty much anyone who is on a personal, healing journey and wishes to live a life of balanced wholeness.

The roots for toxic shame can be traced to our youngest years, when our true self was judged not good enough by our primary caregivers. We were made to feel that there was a fundamental lack in our being, that we are fundamentally flawed at our core. Because of this, shame exists because of our fundamental misperception that we are flawed. So thoughts of “fixing” shame, as the question suggests here, only exacerbates the notion that we are broken.

Shame is not to be fixed, but gently revealed. The energy caught in our hidden, severed and disowned places needs to be slowly brought back from the dark and moved into the light. As we learn to witness our hidden, shameful bits with self-love, kindness and understanding, we integrate them into who we are. In that place of whole self-acceptance, the grip we have around them organically releases and our sense of internal split is healed.

Continues tomorrow with "Bringing The Wounded Bits To The Light".

PS - the latest Parvati Magazine is live. This month's issue is on love, including self-love. Please go and check it out.

Ask Parvati 41: The Power of the Inner Child - Part 3: Let The Child Take You Home

2012-01-17T08:54:00.001-05:00

(Continued from "An Apple in an Orange Grove")

Recently I was out with a friend in a mall. She was asking me a similar question, feeling a bit stuck with her attachments to her family. I said to her, look around. Beside us is not a 24 year old guy and a 35 year old woman but a two year old boy and a three year old girl. This mall is full of two and three year olds. Many of the fundamental decisions we make every day likely come from our unconscious mind, that is, the unresolved inner child that continues to rule our life until we give it the love and attention it needs and turn towards the Divine, the source of unconditional love. Anyone who has tried setting long term goals knows this to be true. We need to have our unconscious mind in alignment with our conscious mind, or else we inevitably meet an inner saboteur and fail. That is because our unconscious mind is ultimately in charge. Our primary commitments live in the depth of our unconscious, so we had best befriend these in order to evolve.

Most of us live with a buried inner child, held captive by the grip of our ego that is committed to getting limited power through whatever means it can, such as people pleasing, power plays, expectations and disappointments, lofty then thwarted dreams -- anything to keep the wanting mommy and daddy dynamic alive, that is, the wanting to find the infinite in the finite.

Our inner child is the summation of the joys, dreams and wounds we carried from our previous lives and our life in this incarnation. He/she is connected to the voice of our soul. Because in truth we are children of the infinite, our inner child remembers the purity of that connection. When we listen to our inner child, he/she can lead us there.

We can easily blame our parents, our circumstance, our life out there that is "happening to me" for our hurts and unhappiness. Then, we are like sour apples in an orange grove. Or we can hold our parents or external things in the highest light, making them like gods, thinking that those oranges are so much better than our apple-self, our authentic nature. Only when we see our parents and all external sources of happiness as they truly are, in their temporal humanity, beautiful and frail, perfect and flawed, can we be the apples we are and leave the orange grove, so we may blossom in our own apple orchard.

We need to leave the illusion of the finite being infinite in order for us to contact our true self. This process is the process of coming into contact and healing our inner child. Through the eye of our inner child, we can reconnect to the infinite, which we once knew implicitly. Our inner child, in essence, guides us home to wholeness.

What we experience in our lives is a reflection of our core beliefs and our previous karmic tendencies. Our parents and our current life, that was created by the choices we have made since infancy, are a reflection of these, all the while guided by a loving universe to help us see the errors in our ways, the root of ignorance we carry as well as the love we truly are.

The wounds we experience from childhood are like ruptures in the mirage of finite perfection, so that we can break through our slumber and attachments to ignorant wanting, that keeps us disconnected. This happens so we may return to the one source of true unconditional love. In this way, love always was, even through the painful moments, even when we thought it was not. Love always is. Just ask your inner child. Those sparkling, deep, infinite eyes are still with you. Look deeply. Look deeper still. There you will find your inner child with open arms, ready to take you home. If you need some help contacting your inner child, you may refer to the exercise given in my Be A Mother To Yourself post.

Much peace to you,

Parvati

PS. A reminder that Thursday is the deadline to send your questions for the next Ask Parvati. In the meantime, stay tuned for the next issue of Parvati Magazine.

Ask Parvati 41: The Power of the Inner Child - Part 2: An Apple In An Orange Grove

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from "Trading the Infinite for the Finite")

In our early years, as we focus on survival, we lose touch with the infinite. Our parents, and not the source of pure consciousness from which we came, become the centre of our universe. In this process of maturation and survival, we tend to take on habits that pull us from our original, natural and pure connection to source. We begin to believe that the imperfect beings that are our caregivers are the truest sources of our love. With this comes expectations and disappointments. We begin to barter, shift, twist and modify ourselves in order to try to find unconditional love from conditional beings. In the process, our relationship with the infinite and our true self weakens in order to make do with the finite. We once were connected to the source of pure consciousness, the place of unconditional love. Now we have traded that infinite connection for finite love.

Though we are creatively surviving, which is a great thing, we lose a part of ourself in the process. In order to become whole, to return the one source of pure unconditional love, we need to regain our sublimated connection to the eternal. What initially was natural instinct is subdued with shoulds, wants and desires that have moved us away from our most authentic selves. At a soul level, we know this. Yet we continue to look for unconditional love from finite, flawed and imperfect things, that is, our primary caregivers, which as we mature become our spouses, our bosses, our material possessions… We unconsciously pick life partners and bosses that mirror our parents, and material accolades and possessions that would fit their needs. We are still trying to get the infinite love we need, our divine connection, from the finite, until we wake up to realize this is not going to happen.

When we look for apples in an orange grove, we inevitably become disappointed. In order to free ourselves from this plight, we first need to realize that we are seeking apples. Then we need to understand that apples won't be found in an orange grove. Then we need to leave the orange grove and go to an orchard, the one that grows the apples we like, that are perfect for our unique self. This is part of the process of spiritual awakening. The apples are like the unconditional love we seek and our true nature. The orange grove is the landscape of our primary caregivers, our early, formative years and likely our present, unconscious environment and choices. The apple orchard is the place of spiritual growth that fosters the release of our ignorance and the cultivation of wisdom-compassion. The apple orchard is our spiritual and soulful home, where we awaken to realize our true nature, that we are infinitely connected to love, and always have been. We were simply looking in the wrong places.

From this perspective, we can learn to appreciate the oranges, and thank them for helping to show us our true nature. We realize we are not oranges, but apples, both fruit, but from unique trees with unique growth patterns. On this Earth, there is a place for it all, apples, oranges, ignorance and bliss in the process of evolution. Our wounded inner child is still convinced that he/she will find the apples from the orange grove. Our pure inner child knows the truth of its apple nature. When we heal the wounded child, we empower our inner child to reveal our true nature and help us remember who we truly are.

(Continued tomorrow with "Let The Child Take You Home")

Ask Parvati 41: The Power of the Inner Child - Part 1: Trading the Infinite for the Finite

2012-01-15T10:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Parvati,

Is it important to get in touch with your inner child in order to live, as you would say, a "rooted, vital and expansive" life?

PART 1: TRADING THE INFINITE FOR THE FINITE

Thank you for this question. My immediate answer is, yes. The following explains why.

I believe that we are born like a hunk of flesh with pure consciousness. At birth and soon thereafter, most of us are still consciously connected to the infinite source of love and consciousness from which we came. Hence the raw purity we can easily see in a newborn. It is as though we can see the infinite in the depth of an infant's eyes. If you look deeply into them, they seem almost formless, dark and vast, like deep space.

As we mature, our personality forms, and so do our features, including eye colour and facial expressions. In this process, our egos take shape, through which our individuality is born. Our personalities are a reflection of two concurrent forces: our own previous karmic tendencies (the soul information with which we were born), and the way these tendencies bump up against our life experiences.

Our mother is the first person with whom we come into contact. As such, our relationship with our mother is at the root of our life experience and our relationship to our inner child. Most of us also come into contact soon after birth with our father, and he too helps create the foundation of our life. Our mother forms the nurturing presence to support our maturation, while our father supports the structure to help us grow and get out in the world. Though this is usually the case, a man or someone who is a primary caregiver other than our biological mother can take the role of a mother in our life, just as a woman or primary caregiver can take the role of our father. It is not about gender but about energetic presence.

As we mature, our personalities form in response to our environment. How they form is a reflection of our karmic tendencies, that is, the way we perceive and choose to respond to our environment, based on the wisdom and skill we have acquired from previous incarnations. Because we are imperfect beings, still evolving, we do not respond to life with the wisdom and compassion of an awakened Buddha. Rather than remaining in touch with the vast field of pure consciousness, the true source of unconditional love, we become attached to our primary caregivers and our environment as the source of all our needs, including our need for love. This bond with our primary caregivers is necessary, even essential for our survival. We need our mother and/or father's care, attention and love in order to get through our early years until we can care for our basic needs. But in the process of survival, we traded our relationship with the infinite for the illusion of fulfilment in the finite. Our relationship with the infinite weakens as we grow. We forget the source from which we came, until our soul stirs and our true nature held within our inner child cries and we begin to awaken to who we truly are.

(Continues tomorrow with An Apple in an Orange Grove)

Ask Parvati 40: Distractions - Keeping Your Eye On The Prize - Part 2: Is It An Opportunity, Or A Distraction?

2012-01-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from Focus, Discipline and Courage)

Every moment in every day counts. It is a valuable and powerful asset that we can use to build our dreams or squander our joy. We each have our own way to remain focused on our goals. Some will journal while others will visualize while others will self-talk and perhaps others do a combination of those. Whatever works for you, put that first in your day, every day. Make sure your goals are right up front and central in your life. Every day, give your life to yourself fully and completely, so you may serve the world. A closed hand cannot receive and an empty heart cannot give.

This brings to mind basketball. I enjoy basketball. The players have an agility and rhythm that I also see in dancers. The athletes in this game can at times seem to transcend time and gravity in a way that amazing artists can do. If you have been to a basketball game, you know that when a player is given the chance for a point shot, fans in the stands just behind the basket often furiously wave brightly coloured or neon wands to distract the shooter.

Sometimes it can feel like life is doing that to us, waving colourful, distracting wands by bringing forward all sorts of events and happenings that seem to pull our focus from our desired goal. But as a trained athlete knows, focus is an acquired skill: keep your mind in the game and eye on the prize. As we face the unfolding of our New Year's plans and resolutions, we too must learn to keep our eye on the prize.

Sometimes it seems we want life to be uni-dimensional, easy to predict and singular. But it is not. Every moment is filled with possibility, which is part of the magnificence and divine beauty of being alive. As I mentioned in an earlier blog on discernment, we must learn to clearly see along our path the difference between an opportunity that moves us towards our desired goals and a distraction that pulls us away from our true joy.

A few months ago, I was in a focused creative flow in my studio, working on new musical material. It was nothing short of feeling like I was in heaven. The project was time-sensitive and was due for submission the following day. I was totally committed to that success. Or was I?

While I was in the thick of the creative process, my doorbell rang. It was a friend who had spontaneously dropped by unannounced with a friend of his he really wanted me to meet. At first, I felt happy to see my friend and open to meeting his new friend, but then quickly realized that this meant that I was not in my studio creating. I did not know what to do.

My old habits kicked in, and the overly "nice" girl, who is afraid to say how she really feels and wants to make everyone happy, came out with a smile. Rather than making the visit short and saying it was not an ideal time for me, I offered them tea, then dinner and even a long visit in my studio. The new friend is a electronic music producer, so I was even further tempted and sidetracked by shop-talk and technical trick swapping.

One could argue that the visit was useful in terms of keeping me on path, because we did share information that could have helped my project. But why then, once they left, did I feel so depleted?

When we follow our path and do what is in alignment with our highest good, we feel rooted, vital and expansive, no matter what our mind may think or our emotional self may feel. Truth is always clear like a sharp sword.

With the unexpected visit, my emotional self kicked in with feelings of guilt, fuelled by my old childhood people-pleasing patterns. My mental self was seduced by the tempting tech talks, which I rationalized as being potentially useful. Meanwhile, my heart and soul were sinking. If I had a true commitment to the success of my goals and my deepest joy, I would have made a short visit and been more honest with my needs. In hindsight, I see that would have been completely fine. And frankly, people that I would consider friends would understand.

Where I got confused was in thinking that perhaps the spontaneous appearance was grace, helping me to fulfill my goals. But the grace was not in saying yes to the visit, but to learn to say no.

If we look at the basketball game, it is clear to us that the player is to keep his eye on his target and should not get distracted by the wiggling wands. Could you imagine if the athlete stopped the game, muscle tested, went inside, asked himself if the wiggling wands were a sign from God that he was supposed to miss his shot and instead pull out a dinner spread? We see that the idea is clearly ridiculous. But we can do that to ourselves daily, and many times a day.

Every day, take a moment first thing in the morning to review your goals for your life, your goals for this year and your goals for this day. Know what brings you joy. Imagine the day fully supporting your heart's desire.

You will be tested, but that is part of life. The wiggling wands will show up in the most unsuspected ways, like spontaneous knocks at your door that pull you away from your truest joy. Be your own world-class athlete and focus on shooting to score, in whatever way fills you with inspired grace.

Enjoy the gift of this day.

Parvati

PS: A reminder that Thursday is the deadline to submit questions for next week's Ask Parvati.

Ask Parvati 40: Distractions - Keeping Your Eye On The Prize - Part 1: Focus, Discipline and Courage

2012-01-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Parvati,

Thank you for your posts. I found last week's particularly useful as it spoke to the way I want to make changes in my life this year. Though I love pursuing my life as a creative writer, I find I too often get pulled into listening to other people's problems. I can literally spend hours a day helping people. I am happy to help, but then I feel drained, with little energy left after my day job to pour into my creative pursuits. Any words of wisdom?

Thank you for this question. I understand the situation and often find myself needing to be quite ruthless with my time and how I spend it. Distractions always present themselves throughout the day. We must consciously choose how to spend our time and where to place our energy.

Whether you are pursuing the life of an artist, are making life changes or wish to start a creative venture, you must have focus, discipline and courage. If you have not yet read Amma's New Year's message, she addresses this to some extent by reminding us that our most valuable asset we have is time, which we too often squander. Keeping focused on the purpose of our life is paramount, especially as we move through the day and encounter seemingly small things that become large obstacles and that take us off path.

If you are not familiar with Julia Cameron's book "The Artist's Way", check it out. Her work helps keep artists on path and stay true to their calling. Her practical and straightforward exercises help bring people's life into authentic alignment with their soul's creative voice.

Last year, I had a long chat with a friend of mine about this very issue, how to remain focused as you follow your dreams. At this point, this friend of mine has become quite famous and is now a mentor to many about how to make it on your own terms. She told me how she focuses on her goals like she is shooting a water pistol at a ballon. It requires focused aim. She also noted that as soon as she loses her focus, she immediately sees it reflected in her success rate, her popularity and her income. To counter this, she has a personal policy that she calls "knife for life", not being afraid to 'say it like she sees it', fiercely choosing where she places her energy and with whom she spends her time.

This is her way to keep her eye on the prize. Because of her focus, clarity and determination, she now does not easily get entangled with people with needy energy, but has, nonetheless, created a life where she helps those in need. Her books, public appearances and media presence touch many more people and inspire them to find their way, far more effectively than if she got lost in in daily distractions that pull her from her path.

That is the wonderful thing about life. When we say yes to our highest purpose, ultimately, everyone wins. The person with whom you get entangled on the phone for hours that you allow to pull you away from what you love, could perhaps be better helped by someone else, or perhaps by reading the book you really want to write. Getting entangled in situations that make us less than we are and pull us off path, are a lose-lose dynamic. It is like jumping into the water to save a drowning person. When we allow ourselves to stay on path and stand our solid ground, we can be of far greater service to ourselves and therefore to others. From that solid footing, we can extend an helping hand to those in need without losing ourselves.

Today, ask yourself, the following questions:

1) What in your life drains your energy?

2) Why do you feel you are attached to it?

3) What do you feel your ego gains from being attached to it?

4) What would your life look like and how would you feel without it?

5) Are you totally open, ready and willing to get it go?

6) What do you need to realign within yourself to let it go?

7) What practical steps do you need to take in order to do so?

Now, get going to make those changes. If you want it, you got it. But do you really want it? We need to regularly ask ourselves this sobering question. We often stay stuck playing it small because it feels easier and safer to let life slip by. But at what cost? The cost of your deepest joy and true heart desire? Are you really willing to let that go in exchange for fear and temporary comforts? Think long and hard about that. What is the cost of not following your dreams? When we bring our full selves into what we are doing and free ourselves from limiting beliefs and hindering habits, we find the life we had been hoping to find.

Continues tomorrow with "Is It An Opportunity Or A Distraction?"

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 3: Facing Your Inner Saboteur

2012-01-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from "What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?")

The choices we have made over years have carved the lives we have today. Most of these choices were made unconsciously, until we wake up to the story of our lives. We all carry personal tendencies that shape the way we make our decisions. We can see these tendencies clearly in the way we reacted to our parents. Each one of us has unique interference patterns that thwart our joy. These interference patterns are like an inner saboteur that blocks our ability to live our greatest joy.

We all carry a saboteur within us until we find the courage to befriend ourself and get to know our shadows. When we befriend ourselves, we begin to listen to the full story of our lives: our hopes and dreams, and the scary, painful bits. If we are to fulfill our dreams, we must acknowledge our shadow, which has a huge impact on the shape of our lives. When we befriend ourselves, we listen to the little girl or little boy within that holds secrets to our unfulfilled desires. When we befriend ourselves, we hear our deepest joys and activate the inner courage to realize our true heart's desires.

An exercise that I include every day in my morning meditation practice helps me get in touch with my saboteur. After I have meditated for some time, I quietly breathe in the feeling, the sensation, the reality that all my heart's desires are fulfilled. When I first started to do this exercise, I got a sort of blank, "uh, I don't know", feeling. After some time, my surface joys started to appear. Then I met layers of frustrations, shame, fear, doubt, rage and pain that were blocking deeper joys. I sat with the interference for some time and allowed myself to welcome it all into my heart, realizing that the interference patterns were created by myself, so they could be healed by myself as well. I quietly watched and let them soften. No fighting.

After some time in this practice, deeper joys began to express themselves. I felt more abundance radiate through my being. I felt more possibility. I started to allow myself to fully feel what the realization of my joys would feel like, how that would affect every aspect of my life and how it would touch everyone in my life. I let myself expand into the fullness of my heart's desires.

I still do this every day. I love it. I find I learn new things about myself every day and feel it is one way I can get out of my own way so that my inner light can shine. I believe that this visualization is powerful. It helps us get in touch with our most authentic self and clear out gently, painlessly and completely the energies that stand in our way.

It is my belief that the universe patiently awaits us saying a whole hearted "Yes" to our self. All the help we need is right here, welcoming our fullest joy. I believe that the universe conspires not against us, but in support of us. When we say "Yes" to ourselves, we find all the support we need to realize our dreams.

This new year, consider saying "Yes" to yourself and your joys by incorporating this visualization - that all your heart's desires are fulfilled - for a few minutes every day into your life. If you like, keep a journal beside you as you do it so you may jot down what may arise. Go to the source of what you truly desire and get out of your own way so that you may realize it. This practice sets in motion, at a vibrational level, all the support required for your life to be just as you wish it to be.

May 2012 be your best year yet!

Many blessings to you,

Parvati

PS: The next Ask Parvati will appear on Sunday, January 8. To have your question included in the random draw, please send it to ask@parvatidevi.com by Thursday, January 5.

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 2: What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?

2012-01-02T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from "What motivates your choices?")

If we are to create the life we want, we must look within and understand our early childhood tendencies that stay with us until we learn different behaviour. When we explore how we felt as children, we tend to see patterns present in how we related to our mother and father. Our relationship with our mothers generally shape our patterns towards our inner world, the world of love, nurturing, self-care and sustenance. Our relationship with our father usually sets the stage for our relationship with our career and outer, social life.

When we take a look at what went on in our childhood, how we felt in relationship to each of our parents, we can see the early seeds for what drives our unconscious choices that created our current life. For example, we may have felt abandoned by our mother, so we tend to recreate, unconsciously, situations in which we do not feel supported or nurtured. Maybe we felt aggressed by our father, so we tend to attract work or society situations that are dissonant with who we are or even abusive. Or maybe we just feel unwelcome in our work environment and become an overachiever or workaholic. Every person again will be entirely unique.

If you feel you want to look at aspects of your early childhood, I found personal therapy very useful. Finding a skilled therapist is like finding a torch to help illuminate our path. They do not do the work for us. We do our own work. But when we go into our inner basement, it is useful to walk with someone who has done their own inner work and can help shed light on our findings so we may integrate and heal.

I also found a couple books in particular helped me touch places in my psyche's basement that I hardly knew existed. One is Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child. She suggests that many children tend to develop aspects of their personality in reaction to their environment, and as such, lose aspects of their true selves. Because we want to please mommy or daddy, we do something that is not in alignment with our highest self and develop tendencies that eventually sabotage our deepest joys. The book suggests steps to move towards understanding, grieving and healing.

I also feel a lot of respect and love for Wayne Muller's Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood. Muller suggests a gentle and mindful approach to uncovering our hidden scars, from which, we may find spiritual strength. This book is more spiritually driven, unlike Alice Miller's more psychological approach.

In order for us to make decisions that will inspire lasting change, we must understand the unconscious tendencies that affect our choices and bring them to the light. So ask yourself, What are my unconscious tendencies that may be blocking my joy? Do I easily feel like a victim? Do I feel unworthy? Do I feel thwarted by life so that I feel the need to fight back? Do I give up? What drives your choices?

Looking at our early tendencies will reveal our inner saboteur, the aspect of our shadow that stands in the way of our fullest joy. Tomorrow, we will look at this inner saboteur and will provide a powerful exercise I use every day to help realize your dreams.

(Continued tomorrow with "Facing your inner saboteur")

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 1: What Motivates Your Choices?

2012-01-01T13:38:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year! May you experience the fulfilment of your deepest joys and true, heart's desires. For many, meeting our heart's desires may seem like trying to realize a fairy tale illusion, or trying to touch a mirage that always feels out of reach. Yet we often come to New Year's with hope that this year we will finally get the love we want, get that perfect job, make millions or experience glowing health. Whatever it is that you seek to bring fulfilment to your life, may you find it now and live it always. But how do you do that?

About nine years ago, I came across a hot-off-the-press book that greatly helped me get my life on track. It helped me stop trying to fulfill other people's dreams and helped me find the courage and get-up-and-go to start fulfilling my own. It is New York Times best selling author Debbie Ford's book The Right Questions. If you have not read it, I recommend you do. It is short, to the point and very useful.

In it, Debbie reminds us that where we are today is not the result of a single decision, but the result of repeated choices we have made over time, usually at an unconscious level. When we consider this, we may conclude that this could be a reason why many New Year's resolutions don't succeed. Perhaps, despite our best resolve, we find it hard to live the life we want because we have not been asking "the right questions" to help us understand the thoughts and choices that brought us to where we are today.

If we are to understand what drives our choices, we must look within. We must understand our fears, shame and doubts that thwart our ability to fulfill our dreams. Everyone will have different interference patterns that block their joy. We usually can see these patterns taking shape in our early childhood in relation to our primary caregivers. I do not believe it is wise to blame our parents for our current life. But exploring how we interacted with them will shine light on our unconscious tendencies that created our life today.

We all come to this planet with a predisposition towards certain tendencies. These tendencies will unconsciously drive all our choices until we wake up to the story of our life. When we explore our early relationships, we can see our tendencies. Any child would react differently in any given situation because we are all unique. Where one child would have fought back, another would have run to hide, and another would have not noticed any issue at all. How did you react to your early environment?

(Continued tomorrow with "What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?")

Innocence, Humility and Purity: The Birth of the Divine

2011-12-25T09:00:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy solstice and happy Sunday! May this day be full of beautiful things for you.

Though I was raised in a Christian home and go to church from time to time and on most high holidays, what I love about this time of year is the rich imagery about light that we can see when we are open to various spiritual traditions.

The winter solstice has just passed. We are now moving into longer days, which to me is a welcome relief. As one who loves to jump around on stage singing "I am a flower", I have an affinity with warmer weather and lots of sunlight! The solstice marks the longest night and shortest day of year, when the sun's greatest height in the sky is at an all time low, a phenomenon most affecting northern countries. The turn towards longer days was celebrated by our ancestors as it meant that the challenges of winter, that often brought death and starvation, were soon to be lessened.

At this time of year, Jewish people celebrate the miracle of light through the eight days of Hanukkah, a festival also known as The Festival of Lights. Hanukkah commemorates the Maccabean Revolt and reclaiming of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, which under the rule of Roman Emperor Antiochus IV (2nd century BCE), Jews were forbidden to attend. When the victorious Maccabees found a small jug of uncontaminated oil in the temple, only enough to light the Menorah for one day, the oil miraculously lasted for eight days, by which time more oil could be made. This holiday reminds us that light comes when we turn our hearts towards the Divine and enter the world of the sacred, the temple of worship. I enjoyed listening to the song "Miracle" performed by the Maccabeats (originally by Matisyahu), for those of you who are into pop versions of spiritual wisdom, which does it for me. The song is featured on the group's home page: http://www.maccabeats.com/

In the present day, Santa Claus, aka Saint Nicholas, a gift-giving character originating in Greek and Byzantine folklore, by far takes the stage for this day in North America. It is interesting to know that December 25th was historically marked by Julius Caesar (around 50BCE) as the date for the annual winter solstice celebrations in Rome. Early Christians (around 350AD) later appropriated the pagan solstice festival as the date to celebrate newfound light their way, this time as embodied by the birth of the Christ child.

When we move beyond Christmas folklore and settle into the spiritual meanings it brings, we notice that the light of the Divine, as symbolized in the birth Jesus, was born in a manger in and among shepherds and animals. This reminds us that the Divine is born through the innocence of a child, in purity and humility as one among us. Over the course of my blog entries, I have shared how I feel that the foundation for spiritual practice is humility, the simple, grounded, non-resistant acknowledgement that what is, is. No fancy excuses. No big stories. Just what is. The Christmas story reminds me of this simple and profound wisdom.

We are here, on this planet, amidst the beauty and imperfections of it all. We each carry inner light that can shine and cast shadows on the ground. As the little child who was born in a manger shows us, when we humbly surrender to the immensity of this human experience, we see that we are one with it all: the animals, the shepherds, the wise, the angels, the earth, and the stars. When we are willing to live with the innocence of a child and open to our purity with sincerity in our being, we enter the realm of the Divine. The Christmas story tells us that through the gateway of innocence, purity and humility we find the Divine.

Today, on this Christmas day, no matter what tradition you do or do not celebrate, consider the birth of light in your life. Consider cultivating innocence, experiencing things with openness and freshness rather than with anticipation, expectation and pre-judged ideas. Consider softening to life, rather than hardening to it. Consider being receptive, as a child is receptive to the newness and wonder of life. Consider the interconnections between yourself and all things, the way we are all in the mess of it all and guided by the shining light in the heavens, a light that reflects our inner light. Today, this Christmas, consider finding the light within yourself and through all things. I offer a guided meditation in Parvati Magazine on how to do just that.

When we are willing to open to this moment with innocence, purity and humility, we find the Divine Light of pure consciousness. There we meet the child of God that we all are. We enter into our temple of prayer and reclaim the miracle of lasting light, our birthright. Then we experience the fullness of light in every moment, and everyday, through all things.

May you enjoy this day and every day. Happy illuminating!

Parvati

PS: Please go to Parvati Magazine for more juicy articles by people who live, love and serve in their various fields to help you live a life in the positive possibilities. Lots of jewels there! My next post will be next Sunday. Have a wonderful week.

Latest Issue of Parvati Magazine

2011-12-18T12:31:00.001-05:00

Dear friends,

This month, I offer you an extra juicy Parvati Magazine issue, with twice the amount of usual goodness and inspired articles to support your path. Please go to www.parvatimagazine.com to find the January issue now live. Enjoy!

I will be posting here again next Sunday. Feel free to send in your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com in the meantime.

Have an excellent week.
Parvati

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 5: Taking Up Space

2011-12-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

PART 5: TAKING UP SPACE: THE CO-CREATIVE FLOW

When I posted my blog Ask Parvati 23: The Voice - To Speak or Be Silent?, I
received a comment requesting more detailed information about the topic. The question was: "I am sometimes struggling with finding that right balance and express what is in my heart with authenticity and respect and not just blurting it out. Can you please say a little more about how to find that balance, if not in this blog, then perhaps in the next?" I feel, while we conclude the topic of stage fright, it is important to explore a little about how to find balance and flow when we take up more space. We live in a society with rules of conduct that help us to flow and not go bumping up against each other continually. But when the rules get out of hand and squelch the flow, then we need to take a step back and reassess the rules. Oppressive rules are a bit like having an overactive inner critique or judge inside our head.

It is easy to think that the pain and discomfort we feel is because of something that is happening "out there". Just like the thought, "it's happening to me", leads us into a place of victimhood and powerlessness, so too, the idea that others are the source of our pain will keep us from growing.

Playing it small is like an inner prison that once kept us feeling safe, but now keeps us trapped. We can free ourselves from this inner world of hiding when we learn to disarm our beliefs that the outside world is against us (happening "to" us). We tend to take things personally until we realize they are not about us. Our parents' bad day, when they yelled at us and had no time to hear our funny joke or new story, or see the drawing we made at school, becomes a reflection of us not being loved. But that is not true. Our parents, at that moment, were disconnected and did not feel love from themselves. So from an empty well of love, how could they share love with us?

But we do take things personally. The world then becomes an antagonistic place, where we unconsciously fear we will be judged for speaking up, or we will be taking up too much space or somehow upsetting the apple cart by giving voice to how we feel. But nothing could be further from the truth.

The universe moves towards greater expansion. We are called to be our fullest selves, the greatest expression of who we are and share our inner light with the world. In doing so, we need to overcome our "old stories", the limiting beliefs that we hold on to, out of fear that if we let them go, we will not be loved.

When we learn to take up our rightful space in the world, we find our power and life flows. When we keep ourselves small, hiding from life, from our selves, from our voice, our life becomes a mere shadow of who we are. In every given moment, there is an opportunity for balanced living. We get so hung up on trying to do things to please or dart from others, we lose ourselves.

Stage fright can be seen as a gift from our soul calling us back to wholeness. It is something that, in my opinion, should not generally be medically treated, but inwardly and psychologically explored. The proverbial skeletons in our closet are clamouring to come out to be shaken and dusted… and perhaps thrown into the trash bin. Time for spring cleaning of our psyche!

My suggestion is embrace the call to overcome stage fright, not by thinking of it as wrong or a problem, but a voice from your soul saying it needs more room to breathe. I believe that in each moment there is an opportunity for perfect balance. We can have the room we need, and give to others what is rightfully theirs. We can feel joyful, inspired, energized and relaxed. There is a flow that is an expression of our soul. It looks different for each one of us. Each one of us is the guardian of its care. Only we can bring it out of the shadow, love it, and give it the soul food it needs. Please consider stage fright as a call from your soul to shake off old thinking patterns and embrace taking up more space. Your soul needs it.

I will be posting again next Sunday on a new topic. Don't forget today is the last day to send in your questions to be answered next week. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com

Enjoy the rest of the week,
Parvati

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 4: The Inner Critique and Self-Love

2011-12-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from To Risk Speaking Up And Saying What You Feel)

I have a saying that gets me through every show. If there are three people in a room, one person will hate what I do; another will love it; while another will not care. I find this very helpful. Everyone will have their own, personal experience and opinion of what I do. My job is not to worry about what others think, but to do the best job I feel I can do and have fun while I do it.

People may not like what we say, and react to it. But that is their stuff and is no reflection of who we are. Our job is not to try to fix or change anyone, but get on and do what we are each here to do. We do not need to try to convince someone we are worthy of love, because we already are worthy, simply by being.

If we look deeply into the root of stage fright, we will find that we may need to cultivate a bit more self-love. Self-love is different from self-confidence. Self-confidence can get us to the stage. Self-love will help us enjoy delivering the show. If we don't have self-love, our self-confidence becomes bravado - thick on the outside and hollow within. Once the test comes, we crack.

When we face the risk to give voice and overcome stage fright, we must face our inner critique. It is my understanding that the inner critique is a summary of our limiting beliefs that were sealed into our psyche as children. The louder the inner critique, the lower the self-esteem, the more afraid we feel of being who we are. Self-love is closely linked to self-esteem. Self-esteem comes when we have a strong
sense of self-love. I looked at how to cultivate self-esteem and self-love in more depth than I will do here, in my previous blog entry I Suck, Please Love Me. It is important to understand how to cultivate self-love when we wish to overcome performance anxiety and stage fright. So please take a look at it.

It is often the case that those with low self-esteem project their inner critique onto the world. Those with a strong inner critique tend to have a tougher time with stage fright and performance anxiety. The inner critique is an extension of our childhood patterns that kept us ducking how we really felt in an effort to placate our caregivers. We began to overwrite our natural impulses, which soon felt wrong. When the inner critique is in overdrive, we can become compulsively afraid that we will displease, even simply by being. The inner critique is an inner voice that repeatedly lets us know what we "should" and "should not" do in order to measure up, and ultimately, be loved. But listening to this voice will not bring us happiness. We cannot find the love we truly seek through self-effacing acts. We must be naturally ourselves and cultivate a rich life in a world we feel welcomes us wholly to blossom into our fullest being.

We all have a voice. We all are called to speak up and say how we feel daily. It takes a certain self-confidence, and healthy self-esteem to do so. These come from understanding our own inherent worth. We all likely have had some experience of stage fright, from the more obvious situations like office presentations and public speaking, to the subtler, when we are asked how we feel and clam up. When we don't show up for ourselves and our lives, we rob life of the richness of who we are. We need to be rooted in our own inherent personal value to live life fully.

There is no doubt that there are mean-spirited and negative people out there who are toxic to be around. It is best to move on should we find ourself engaging with such people. But at a more psychological level, the criticisms we feel from others hurt because we are good at criticizing ourselves. If we really stop and think about it, if we were truly rooted in LOVE, and I mean self-love, love for others - love, not wanting - then would we not just see the person criticizing us as doing just that - criticizing? It would not feel like a personal attack, because we would see them in their own pain, their own suffering. Is a person who criticizes feeling loved and fulfilled themselves? No. Remember that when you next feel criticized.

Criticizing is not okay. I am not condoning it. I am simply saying that when you feel criticized, remember that it comes from someone who is distorted, and not rooted in love.

Feedback is different from criticism. Feedback gives us a clear idea where we excel and where we can grow. It provides information about a specific task with specific details. Criticism directly attacks a person's nature, not a specific task. When we criticize, we indicate that a person is bad or is not worthy. When we give feedback, we indicate how a specific tasks does not work for us and suggest possible ways a person may improve that specific task, if they so choose. Criticism is toxic and erodes our self-esteem, whereas feedback supports our growth.

As you learn to overcome stage fright and performance anxiety, focus on developing a loving relationship with your own self, and letting go of the voice of your inner critique. Understand that the inner critique comes from a wounded place that does not see the world in wholeness or balance, but from a place of fear and disconnect. When we understand that the inner critique really is a wounded place looking to create more wounded experiences, it no longer has power over us and loses its grip over our mind. Once we let go of attachment to our inner critique, the criticisms we may experience from others will roll off our back. We will be rooted in self-love, where distorted perceptions like criticism will have no meaning and will not be able to take root. We can get on with enjoying and sharing the light we are in a fertile world that fully receives our whole self.

(Continued tomorrow with "Taking Up Space: The Co-Creative Flow")

PS: Tomorrow is the last day to send your questions to be answered next
week. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 3: To Risk Speaking Up

2011-12-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

PART 3: TO RISK SPEAKING UP AND SAYING HOW YOU FEEL

Hiding, not speaking up and playing it small may feel like a safe option. But in most situations we face throughout the day, when we hide and silence ourselves, we lose touch with the voice of our soul and our true source of power. When we hide and remain mute when we are inwardly called to express, we are acting from a place that believes that the world does not want us. We are acting from a place that
believes that love does not exist. When we act from a place rooted in those beliefs, we strengthen them.

To overcome our deep core beliefs takes humility, determination, and a self-kindness so that we may look within, understand our inner patterning and make different choices. When we go within and embrace change, we are taking a risk. We are moving away from the familiar into the unknown and new. We must admit to ourselves that this is scary and treat ourselves with appropriate patience and tenderness.

When we go deeper into what holds us back from growth, we face the grips of fear. When we touch that fear with gentleness, and begin to accept it being there with love and attention, we notice that what we deeply fear, ultimately, is that we will not be loved just as we are. This quickly transforms from our unconscious thoughts into a physical experience when we are called to express ourselves in public. We fear,
deeply, that when we express what we want to express, we will not be loved. We can say, we fear that we will be judged, not accepted, and ridiculed. But all of these are part of the same fear of not being loved. When we are judged, we don't feel loved. When we are ridiculed, we don't feel loved. When we feel cast out, we don't feel loved. If we can remember that this deep fear of not being loved stems from our
past and has no bearing on the present moment, we begin to free up our voice and overcome stage fright.

Stage fright is normal. So cut yourself some slack when you feel it. Almost everyone would, when faced with putting themselves out there. It is true, that as a performer, I have had to look deeply into this, and overcome my own tendency to feel afraid. There is not one show I do that I don't feel nervous. I mean, let's think about it. I dress up in gold spandex, wear a crazy outfit, sing positive, electronic songs while dancing around on stage in an alternate universe… yes! I am afraid of being judged! But what I have come to find, is that my love for what I do, that my need to express who I am, is greater than the fear that would hold me back. I have also come to understand that the fear that causes stage fright, when I dial it down, also comes in part from a place that really values what I do. I do want to communicate effectively. I do want to be heard. I do want to reach out and touch others. I don't want to be randomly rhyming off gibberish on a soapbox on a street corner. I am here to communicate. So I value what I say and the fear keeps me alert to that. If I were to let that fear get the better of me, I would not perform and would lose contact with the voice of my soul. I would also not be a vehicle for the joy my shows bring to those who attend. So overcoming the fear is a win-win.

I believe we are all on this planet to shine and shine brightly. Remind yourself of this. Your light is your natural self. Sure, we cast a shadow. Being able to be humble and self-caring when we face our shadow helps us find a rooted strength. Being open to our light and humble faced with our shadow helps us to get out of our own way and enjoy the God-given talents and voice we each uniquely have. When we show up for life, life shows up for us. By playing it small, we give power to our small beliefs. By saying how we feel, and expressing ourself, we risk appearing a fool, we risk upsetting the status quo, but we find a freedom and honesty that transcends adversity. As I say in one of my songs "Love Is Real", "You find your wings when you risk the fall, and you see there never was a drop after all, 'cause love is real." Here is a quote that I really like that speaks of the value of risk:

To Laugh is to Risk Appearing the Fool

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
To reach out for another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self,
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure,
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to
risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave;
He has forfeited freedom,
Only a person who risks is free.

-- William Arthur Ward, "To Risk"

(Continued tomorrow with "The Inner Critique And Self-Love")

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 2: The Fear of Being Seen

2011-12-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

Playing It Small And Hiding

We all had coping strategies when we were children. No matter how loving our parents were, they were not perfect. No one is perfect. Everyone on this planet casts a shadow and is also somehow growing and evolving. We may have hoped to find the perfect love from these imperfect beings. But how can we find absolute love from people who were also learning to love? In the process of growing up, we tended to make unconscious compromises to try to get the love we needed. Most of
us ended up with contractual relationships with family members as a means to find some stability amidst the whirl of issues, synergies, conflicts and personalities that make up every family life.

Ideally, our caregivers were open to receive us like the budding, young flowers we were. Yet, they too likely felt thwarted and unloved in their own way, perhaps feeling stressed to pay rent, alone to put food on the table, isolated in an dysfunctional marriage, or unhappy without the space they needed to deal with their own unresolved childhood issues amidst the work of childrearing. Whatever the situation was, often family life can be less than ideal for finding the unconditional love we hope to find. So we develop coping strategies.

Most children tend to be perceptive and creative. When we were young, we may have observed that by not speaking up, we added less stress to mom and dad's busy lives. We may have figured out that by not saying what we needed, we kept the peace, perhaps even avoiding being yelled at. So we concluded that to give voice to our needs created some discord, or in extreme cases, attack. In our early years, giving voice could have felt like a risky thing. So we learned to bury what we felt deep inside in the silence of our inner world and plow forward towards growing up.

As children, we discovered that hiding was a way to keep ourselves feeling safe and protected amidst a turbulent world. Our parents were our source of food and shelter. Our very survival was keyed into making that relationship work. Our coping strategies worked for a while. Perhaps in the world of our imagination, we could safely play in our room, or escape watching TV or run free playing at school or with our friends. But when we grew up to be independent adults, the silence we once hid behind started to become deafening.

We must move through the playing it small and hiding if we wish to fulfill our dreams and find the love we wish to find. Though, as adults, we have long since left our parents' home, we may still live with and react to them in our unconscious mind. In some sense, we carry them with us and see them wherever we go, until we face our deeper childhood fears and speak up and risk not being loved for who we are.

We bring our unconscious childhood fears into the boardroom or out on stage when we step up to the plate to share our work. We in essence do not see our colleagues in front of us as we start to present our work, but our childhood environment, be it sisters, brothers, or caregivers who we wanted to love us the way we needed. We do not see our boss evaluating our performance, but our mom or dad. We needed our parents' approval as children to survive, so we equate that need to survive with our performance today.

The thoughts and beliefs that exist in our unconscious drive our lives. So in effect, that compromised child is really the one who wears the business suit as we go off to our jobs, or who sits in the chair across from our spouse as we try to make sense of an argument, or who stands on the stage as we get up to perform. We will continue to allow this child to drive our lives until we make friends with her, let her know she can be who she is, that we will take care of her as she needs. As adults, we need to learn to embrace and befriend our whole self, care for and accept who we are so we may feel safe, relaxed and loved in this world.

(Continues tomorrow with "To Risk Speaking Up and Saying How You Feel")

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 1: What Is Stage Fright?

2011-12-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

Letting Go Of Fear And "Playing It Small"

Dear Parvati,

I had to give a presentation at work last week and I almost threw up because I felt so anxious. I always start to shake when I have to do any kind of speaking or performing in front of a group. When I was a kid, I took piano lessons. I was pretty good, but when it came time to perform at a recital I would just freeze sitting there at the piano, my mind a blank, my hands cold and clammy. Eventually I'd remember the music, but my hands shook so much I could barely play. One time I just ran off the stage in tears because I'd gotten stuck on the same mistake over and over. (The teacher got really mad at me that time.) This extreme "stage fright" is starting to affect my ability to move forward in my career and I really wish I could change this about myself. As a performer, have you ever gotten stage fright? What did you do about it?

PART 1: WHAT IS STAGE FRIGHT?

Thank you for this question. I get it. The medical term for stage fright is "glossophobia", derived from the Greek words "glossa" (tongue) and "phobos" (fear or dread). Stage fright happens when we feel anxious about speaking or performing in public settings. This fear is one of the most common fears, right up there with the fear of dying.

When we anticipate a situation that we perceive to be threatening, we feel anxious. Physiologically, our body then reacts in a flight/flight response. The adrenal glands release the hormone adrenaline (epinephrine) into our bloodstream, resulting in an increased heart rate, higher blood pressure and irregular breathing. This surge of hormones can then lead to perspiration, uncontrollable shaking, shivers, flushing of the face, dry mouth, nausea and diarrhea, short-term memory loss, the weakening of the voice (resulting in stammering or stuttering), and in the extreme case disorientation or hyperventilation.

Our fear, that is, our emotional reaction to a perceived threat, is behind these physiological symptoms of stage fright. If we did not perceive the situation to be threatening and did not feel afraid, we would not have this surge of hormones, which comes from our primate days when we lived in a dangerous jungle. The fear and adrenaline surge protected our lives.

Although the work environment and life in general can be compared to a jungle, it is unlikely that most situations in our day-to-day life are truly life-threatening. But our stage fright tells us something different. In our worrying, anxious mind, we fear that if we perform badly, we will get fired; and if that happens we would not have the funds to support ourselves and perhaps our family; and if that happens we may end up on the street; and if that happens, we may die. Any of these are possibilities, but are they likely? When we think rationally, they seem perhaps far-fetched. There are a lot of "ifs" there. But something in the back of our brain kicks in, and our irrational fears say all of those events are probable. Why is that so?

If we think about it, we go about our day every day with many risks. We could trip at any time and come to our demise. Anything could happen. So then why do these deep fears arise as stage fright in front of a crowd? This perceived threat is specifically the fear of looking foolish in front of others and the fear of public humiliation. Clammy hands, dry mouth, shaking knees, racing thoughts, nausea and diarrhea are signs that we are reacting to a situation, anticipating something bad to happen. But that fear may not be grounded in truth.

I like a popular acronym for fear, which you may have heard before: FEAR - False Expectations Appearing Real. I find remembering that to be helpful as I go out into a crowd. When we have stage fright, we anticipate something bad happening in this specific situation. So what makes performing in public different than other fears? Unlike the possible fear of potentially falling down a flight of stairs, the fear of speaking or performing in public asks us to put our own expression out in plain sight. Our ability to perform a task is visible for all to see, and potentially judge. For most people, what we do has value to us, so we hope it will be well received.

In this way, there is nothing really "wrong" with feeling anxious before we put ourselves out there. It is natural. A few years ago, I had an inspiring conversation with internationally respected modern dancer Margie Gillis about stage fright and how she deals with it. She said to me that she suffered from debilitating stage fright for years until she went deeper to understand it. She realized that the fear was a sign of how deeply she valued what she was doing. Once we was able to accept her fear as a sign of how much she cared, it became less menacing. It was no longer an obstacle to her performance. She was then able to effectively channel the deep care she has for her art form into her performance with greater ease and fluidity. Performance coach Roger Clown once said something similar to me about stage fright: "If you don't feel nervous before you go on stage, you are in the wrong profession." Stage fright can be a sign that we care about what we do.

If we choose to truly understand the reasons for stage fright, we need to go deeper, look at our core beliefs and expectations. We need to develop our self-esteem, find self-confidence and ultimately, rest in self-love. This week, I will take a more in-depth look at the psychological reasons behind stage fright and how understanding them can unlock our true brilliance so that our fear is not debilitating, but liberating.

(Continued tomorrow with The Fear Of Being Seen: Playing It Small And Hiding)

Ask Parvati 38: Finding Centre in the Busy Day - Part 6: Being With The Guru

2011-12-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

Every day I sit in meditation with the intention to simply be present with my guru Amma. I sit quietly, breathing Her name, feeling gratitude, knowing She is there, everywhere, even if I cannot see. Moving deeper into silence, often I can feel Her, as though She is actually in the room. It does not feel like my imagination or a fantasy, which would feel vaporous and ungrounded. Nor does it feel like a mental projection in which I have left my body, wanting to be somewhere other than I am. It feels like the opposite.

It seems as I deepen my ability to be present, settling in further still, I find Her. She was always there, only I was unable to see with my five senses. It is as though I become so deeply rooted, vital and expansive that my energy body opens to be in Her physical location, wherever She may be at that time, perhaps in a meditation hall sharing the infinite love She is by receiving thousands of seekers in one sit.

At times, I feel Her so close, it is as though I were having Her darshan, held in Her Divine embrace. I can smell Her fragrance, as sweet as a thousand roses. I can see Her white sari disappear into the immense vast oceans of pure, deep space, the play of consciousness.

At times, as I sit quietly, present in meditation, I feel that all that is around me, the air, the ethers, all of matter, is She. I am literally breathing Her, the feeling as palpable as physical touch. It is as though a merging occurs, through the breath. Then the feeling of my skin-sheath-body disappears and She is everywhere, everything. All that remains is the sense of this immense space, no me, no them, no later, no before, just an infinite expansive now. In that place, all is perfection.

It is my sincere wish to cultivate purity of heart and mind so that this body/being may be a humble vehicle for Her Divine love and will. The only way I know to cultivate this is to develop single-pointed focus so that I see all I experience as Her teachings reflected back to me. In this, there is an inseparable closeness, a profound trust and ever-deeper sense of surrendered letting go. This life then becomes a repeated turning all towards Her through an engaged, alive, moment-to-moment meditation practice. Any notion of separation is too much to bear. The call to the One is all that remains.

With Grace, may we all be filled with the Divine Love of pure consciousness arising.

Jai Ma,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 38: Finding Centre in the Busy Day - Part 5: The Gift of the Guru

2011-12-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

PART 5: THE GIFT OF THE GURU

We don't think twice about going to a doctor when we have aches and pains, or consulting a lawyer or an accountant when we need financial or legal advice. We need specialists to help with specific areas of our lives and support our overall well-being.

A spiritual teacher, or guru, is someone who knows the ways of the spiritual path and can lead us to wholeness. Just as we would like to have the most educated and experienced medical doctor take care of our physical health, so too, it is best to find the most evolved being to guide us on our spiritual path. There are many people who claim to be realized beings and are ever willing to hang up a shingle as a self-proclaimed guru. From my experience, those who make claims of being realized are most definitely not.

Having a spiritual teacher to me is the most profound relationship one can have, almost deeper than marriage. A master highlights our strengths and weaknesses and gives us tools to grow into the fullness of who we are. Just as with a doctor, we must do our own healing work, but we are guided by an expert in the field.

Some spiritual teachers would say that we are born with an illness in our mind, that of ignorance. The guru leads the student from a place of suffering to freedom. The Sanskrit word "guru" is made up of two shorter words, "gu" meaning darkness and "ru" meaning light. The guru literally leads us from darkness of ignorance to the light of enlightenment.

Today, consider that you too may benefit from guidance on your spiritual path. There is nothing wrong with going at it alone. But if there are experts around, why not get the best consultant you can have? Perhaps it is in your cards to find a realized master to guide your way. Perhaps not. I certainly am not attached to what you choose. It is your life. My only wish is that you free yourself from painful thoughts and actions and be the best you that you can be.

Today, consider the possibility of your life being about self-realization and benefitting from a realized master.

Enjoy,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 38: Finding Centre in the Busy Day - Part 4: Seeing All As A Reflection of The Divine

2011-12-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

I believe that prayers are always answered, just not always the way we think they will be. We ask for help getting over our tendency to feel angry and have outbursts. Next thing you know, a really irritating person has arrived in your life and you repeatedly blow up. We think the Divine will just take away our problems, when in fact, we have to do the work. We get that irritating person to practice letting go of anger.

You may pray for a raise at work and instead of getting more money, you get fired, only to then find that you really did not like your job anyway and want to start your own company and end up earning far more than you had ever imagined. What first seemed like the opposite of what you wanted, ends up being better than what you had asked for.

Grace always is. It is everywhere, in everything. We can walk through our days, habitually numbed out, feeling hard done by and seeking love externally. Or we can open to the possibility of always being supported.

Today, when you practice, begin thankful for everything that happens. Grace is at work, even when you don't see or understand it. Stay open to what is and receive this moment. Miracles are everywhere.

More tips tomorrow.

Enjoy this day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 38: Finding Centre in the Busy Day - Part 3: Seeing Others As A Reflection Of Yourself

2011-12-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

I shared in last week's blog how it is easy to point fingers at others and criticize people for their shortcomings while overlooking our own. How quickly we forget that we too can fly into a rage, call people nasty names, judge, or take our feelings inappropriately out on those around us when hurtful things may be directed our way. We are all imperfect, evolving beings just finding our way through life.

As you move through the day today, practice seeing others as a reflection of yourself. Practice putting yourself in the other person's shoes. See if you can do this before you may habitually react either by thinking or doing things that are less than divine.

Our ego will try to convince us that what we perceive as outside ourselves has nothing to do with us. But at its root, life is one flow of pure consciousness, arising. We are not separate but in a oneness flow. So see if you can see others as a part of yourself or as a reflection of yourself. Notice that street person who is asking for change and know that you too could be there. And perhaps, in some ways, you are. Perhaps there are parts of yourself that you have abandoned and ways in which you feel hopeless, a beggar, just like the way that person on the street may feel. Look for connections and similarities, rather than divisions and differences. We are part of one Earth family. I do believe we are far more similar than different.

Today, ask yourself, "In which way am I like this person?"

More mindfulness tips tomorrow.

Enjoy each precious moment of this day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 38: Finding Centre in the Busy Day - Part 2: Where Do I Hold Tension? What Do I Feel?

2011-12-05T18:01:00.002-05:00

Whether we admit it or not, we are all sensitive, organic creatures that live in a fast-paced world. We can easily feel broadsided by noises and accosted by the speed by which our society moves.

I recently realized that the tension in my face increases when I drive. I love driving and never realized it actually stresses me out a bit - until one day, when I was a passenger with an excellent driver. In the quiet of my seat, I noticed that I was getting tense. I had just come from an osteopathic session that left me feeling particularly present and open. I saw how the speed of the drive felt overwhelming for me at that time. I noticed how my visual focus was slightly blurred and the muscles around my eyes and jaw were becoming tense. When I tuned in, I found that I wanted the car to slow down. I was feeling afraid, having a hard time processing all that was passing by at such speed. I wanted to get out and walk, touch the ground, be at a different, more natural rhythm.

We unavoidably are part of the this fast-paced world that tends to ramp up the speed at this time of year as we move into holiday time. But it does not need to be a time that we lose our focus on the flow of pure consciousness or that we lose our meditation practice. The speed of life offers us many opportunities to go inward and find out what we are really feeling.

Instead of seeing life as adverse, the flow of things too fast, use this day as an opportunity to notice what you feel. First start with noticing how you physically feel in situations. Where do you hold tension? What is that tension saying? Can you honour that voice, spoken through your body, and live in greater balance?

Perhaps that voice is asking you to get out of the shopping mall and take a few breathes of fresh air. Perhaps it says that you need to plow through a crowd. Perhaps it offers you inner wisdom to skip a party and take a bath instead. Whatever you need, tune into it. Allow your body to be your best friend, a barometer for how you are feeling and responding to any given situation.

Today, ask yourself: "Where do I hold tension?" Watch what arises and practice making friends with your body. Listen to the wisdom and respect what you hear.

Then go a little deeper. At any time through out this day, ask yourself the following: "What am I feeling?"

Go inside, and be honest with yourself. Allow yourself to receive yourself. Because our ego is very externally driven, these kind of internally sensitive questions help us to tap into a bigger picture beyond our ego. Ask yourself this question several times today and see what comes up. Tomorrow is another day, and I will offer other tips on finding your way to your inner home throughout the day.

More food for thought tomorrow.

Enjoy the gift of this day.

Parvati

Ask Parvati 38: Finding Centre in the Busy Day - Part 1: The Power of the Breath

2011-12-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

I feel a bit like a jukebox: ask questions, get blog entries. This week, for
whatever reason, I did not receive any questions from you. Rather than leaving this week's Ask Parvati blog silent, I thought I would share a bit about my daily internal process that helps me remain centred when faced with a busy life. Perhaps this will help shake out some more questions to send my way for next week's blog postings. Remember they need to be in by Thursday. Please send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com.

We all have our ways to find our place of personal balance. Some like exercise, others prefer quiet time, while others love to get out in nature and go for a good long walk. Whatever works for you, go for it. Life is short and there is only one you through all time and space. So be the best you that you can be!

My "way in" is my spiritual practice, in particular, my meditation practice. Meditation may conjure images of sitting still and quietening the mind. Though my sitting practice is the foundation and heart of my meditation practice, meditation can be practiced at any time, any where, in any place because meditation is about being in non-resistance to what is. The quiet time I spend in sitting meditation is like priming the pump so that I may live my day feeling connected to a much greater whole.

Meditation is a discipline, a way to get out of the way and assist in the redirection of our negative tendencies towards a much greater whole. Our general, unawakened tendency is to see life through the lens of our ego, which wants to separate, categorize, divide and fight or flee. There is nothing wrong with that, per se, except that when we live our lives driven by our ego's whims, we inevitably suffer and cause suffering. At the end of the day, no one really wants that.

If we are to see meditation as a priming of the consciousness pump, then best to tap in when the atmosphere is the most still and unencumbered. That so happens to be between 4am and 6am. Since most of us don't get up at those hours, it is best to practice meditation when we first wake up, ideally early, around 5 or 6am, when the mind is still quiet and fresh from sleep. This way, we give ourselves a sort of head start into practicing stillness and opening to possibility. If we were to meditate say at 9am, or even later in the day such as at 2pm, the atmosphere is more agitated, filled with the business of the active, moving day. Our mind then too would be more agitated and our practice less profound.

Once we develop a daily meditation rhythm that helps us tap in to greater expansion, we may feel drawn to experience the stillness we find in meditation throughout the day. This takes practice. There are many techniques that can help us do this. This week, I will share a few things I do that help me bring my meditation practice from my sitting cushion into my busy day.

In the rush of it all, we can find it easy to forget to breathe. It is amazing how much we tend to hold our breath. When relaxed, our breath flows effortlessly in and out, like the ebb and flow of ocean waves. A relaxed breath helps our whole body relax. And when we are relaxed, we enjoy more and experience life more fully.

At any given time today, tune into your breath and see how it is flowing. If you find yourself holding, take a few deep breaths. If you find yourself breathing comfortably, take a few deep breaths and enjoy the flow of air. Life is amazing, and breathing is a big part of why we are alive!

I will share more mindfulness tips tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy the gift of this day!

Parvati

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack - Part 4: Giving Voice and Making Changes

2011-11-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from "Understanding and Compassion")

I woke up this morning with the words in my head: "Illness and injury are a call for needed change." I have been going through some big personal changes this year, and clearly this was a voice from my soul reminding me to keep on that path of transformation.

We don't need to experience painful situations in order to grow, but often, we do end up going there. When we get colds, we know we need to slow down and take better care of ourselves. The same with physical accidents. But so too with personal injury.

When we face difficult people, it is important to not take another's state of mind personally. We have no control over what others think or do, or how they behave. All we can do is let people know how we feel and ask kindly for them to stop if what they are doing is hurting us.

But if healthy dialogue is not possible and changes do not happen, we may need to look at deeper changes we may need to make in our life.

Perhaps, when we face challenging people and situations, we are reminded to make changes in our life. Perhaps the toxic supervisor reminds us that we really don't like the work we are doing anyway and we had best move on from there. Perhaps the nasty boss is helping to push us out the door because really, that is where we belong, in another job. The universe has a way of making sure we learn our lessons.

Changing deep patterns in our self and in our life is not easy, because we tend to be attached to things and often live in fear. We need to learn to be ok with these shadow aspects of ourselves, and make sure we do not add insult to injury by beating ourselves up for not knowing better or doing better. I mentioned last week that change begins with acceptance. We need to accept where we are at so that we can change. We can accept the hurt, the discomfort, the rage, the desire to run towards and beat someone up or run away in fear for our lives. These are all part of the fullness of the human experience. When we watch and "stay with" the emotional flux, eventually they settle and greater wisdom arises.

When we are injured emotionally or physically by a difficult person, we may need to ask ourselves what is balanced action in response to this. The answer to this question will only arise once our reactive nature has settled. And with this, time is a great healer.

We may need to give voice and let the other person know that we found what they did hurtful. But if we are attached to the other person hearing us, or changing, inevitably we will get caught up in the the same rage-filled cycle of feeling hard done by.

Others don't like to change any more than you do, so expecting them to see your point of view may only lead to frustration. If they do, then you can discuss ways to work together in good spirit. If they don't, you may need to consider a different work environment.

Our lives are very short. I don't believe we are meant to be unhappy. If you find yourself in a work or living environment with people who are unwilling to treat you with the respect you deserve, you may need to change your whereabouts, relationships, or job.

Change is part of life. All things in nature come, go and are reborn. We must not be afraid of change as it is quite literally natural. We can understand our resistance to change and where it comes from. But we must ultimately soften and embrace change.

Thank you for sending in this question about dealing with feeling attacked.

Enjoy the rest of the week and see you again on Sunday!

Parvati

Reminder: Tomorrow is the last day to send in your questions for next week's blog entries. Please send to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack - Part 3: Understanding and Compassion

2011-11-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

PART 3: UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION

(Continued from "The Big Picture: It's Not Personal")

Here are some powerful thoughts I ask you to consider. Find a quiet place and allow yourself to go deeper with these:

"Everyone wants to be loved."

Wow.

"Everyone wants to be loved. And everyone fears they will not be loved."

Think about that.

Think about that some more. Breathe it in. Let it resonate.

"Everyone wants to be loved and everyone fears they will not be."

Apply that thought to your boss. Think of him that way, just wanting love, fearing he will not be. Think of how you want to feel loved. Perhaps, you two are not that different.

Think of your mother that way, just wanting love, fearing she will not be. Try to feel the fear your mother has, and know you too feel the same. Perhaps, you are not so different. The love you seek is also the love she wants. The fear you have that you won't find love, is also the very same fear she has.

Think of your friends and other family members that same way. See the way they hope for love, the way they feel disconnected from love, the way they do love. Where is the love in all these relationships? In which way do you love? It may not be so much, perhaps, about how much love you get, but about what you give. When you see yourself, the fears, the hopes, the desires you have for love in others, when you see you are not that different, then perhaps love blossoms, like a flower in the mud. We are left full, feeling connected, loved, even in the face of adversity.

Now think of yourself. Touch that place of "I just want to be loved, and I fear I will not be." It is deep stuff. It has been there likely a very long time. Perhaps it was exacerbated by your mother, or your father or someone else. But it is a wound you carry. No one made it. It is yours. If it is yours, then you can heal it. Since you are the one holding on to it, you can let it go. We hold onto wounds, feeling almost precious about them, as they form our identities and create who we are. As we grow, we must let go and move beyond these divisive states so we may emerge into wholeness. But this only happens as we understand the wounds we have, how they are born from ignorance, just as when another hurts us, their actions are born from ignorance. When we understand and have compassion for our ignorance, we will feel more understanding and compassion for the ignorance in others.

In my experience, we all have a deep place within where we fear that we will not be loved. Sometimes, around that raw and fragile feeling, is the feeling of vacant hopelessness. But this will not last. Beyond all these painful, dry, and desolate places is a fountain of unending love. The goodness of life is within even the most desolate times if we allow ourselves to settle in and open, patiently, to the flowering spring. The force of life emerges again and again, without compromise. It simply is. Beyond our fear of not being loved, is love. In our fear of not being loved, is love. Around our fear of not being loved, is love. The fear itself is love, as it shows us our very humanity, our potential for openness, receptivity to that which I would simply call Grace… the force that is beyond our ego's grasp and comprehension.

When we are willing to rest, in stillness, quietly, without fighting, with this fear of not being loved, we find tremendous creativity. It is in some ways the linchpin of the psyche that moves us from the grip of the ego into a place of oneness and compassion. Rest there and you will find love and all will change.

(Continued tomorrow with "Giving Voice and Making Changes")

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack - Part 2: The Big Picture/ It's Not Personal

2011-11-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

(Continued from "The Power of Patience")

We tend to take people's bad moods, emotional reactions, judgment, criticism and attacks personally. Of course, toxic energy directed towards us hurts. But it does not have to.There is tremendous power in not taking things personally. In doing so, we peel away the dramatic story that masks the moment to reveal deeper truths. When we let go of taking things personally, we ultimately see that everyone is wounded, everyone needs love and everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment.

Hurtful exchange and nasty comments usually happen so quick, that we hardly know what really has gone on. When we practice patience and take a bit of breathing room from a volatile situation, we can slow down the tape of our reactive mind and see the subtler pathway of our knee-jerk reactions. We can move our awareness inward and ask ourselves, "What buttons of mine did this person push? What did I feel? Why did I react like that? What about this did I find hurtful? Is there something else I could see that am not seeing?"

It is my belief that most people are just trying to get through their day with, likely, a whole lot of mental fog, swirling unhappiness and unresolved desires. When we are unconscious, we are very selfish beings, consumed with our own wants and needs that tend to eclipse our ability to perceive the happenings in our environment and the needs of others. To become sensitive to the world beyond our ego, and the needs of others, is a skill that is cultivated through spiritual awakening. If we were all more sensitive to the needs of others, well, our world would not quite be in the mess it is in!

That being said, I believe it is a rare thing that someone is deliberately malicious. There is a lot of unconscious malice, but deliberate hurtfulness requires a certain mental instability or insanity that is not, thankfully, that common.

This week, I had an experience that reminded me to not take things personally. Soon after I woke up and before I started my morning meditation practice, I took a peek at my emails. I rarely do that as I prefer to keep my mind untouched by external things and dive directly into the deeper space of still thoughts. But for some reason, that day, I did. I had received an angry email from an acquaintance, a spiritually dedicated practitioner who was also a fan of my blogs. She had accused me of stealing one of her social media postings and writing a blog entry about it. Her words were sharp and hurtful, accusing me of being unspiritual and dishonest. I was shocked. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. I had not even seen any of her social media posts recently.

I went to my morning meditation practice, admittedly, a bit shaken. As my mind settled, I felt it best to simply reply to her and say that I had no idea what she was talking about. After my sit, with the calm of my practice still fresh, I went to my computer with a calm and honest reply. My message was sent only with the intention to clarify any possible confusion and assumption. However, what came back were further irrational accusations and a request that I stop the "childishness" and admit my fault. Again, I had no idea what this person was going on about.

For whatever reason, one that only that person can know, my blog clearly had pushed one of her buttons and she was reacting. She had made me the source of her injury, rather than owning her own reactivity and inner wounds. I did what I could by voicing my truth. Her decision to not believe me was entirely her own, something over which I had absolutely no control.

With hindsight, I now feel a sense of inward, open warmth at the folly of the human mind, the depths of our attachments that make coiled ropes look like snakes so that we go running. I now also chuckle at how I had best add a disclaimer to all my blog entries: "All characters, places and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental." LOL

What I have come to conclude is that every drama has a hero and antagonist. It is what makes dramatic stories move forward in plot. If we wish to be free of life's dramas, we must free ourselves from seeing ourselves as the hero and others as villains; or ourselves as victims seeking a hero.

So when you next meet an antagonist in life's drama, take a moment to ask yourself a few questions to avoid taking their misery personally. Is it possible, for example, that the supervisor who got angry at you during your presentation had an argument with his wife that morning? He perhaps left the house fuming and took it out on the next available person: you. Who knows what his reasons were for acting hurtfully or why he did what he did. It however has nothing to do with you. He may need to communicate something which may or may not have validity, but his choice to do so in a way that causes pain is a choice he made that reflects the person he is. His choices do not reflect who you are.

I have quoted this before, which I feel sums up life relationships so beautiful: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”

Everyone, like you, carries wounds around, deep childhood hurts that lay gaping until we inadvertently pour our own salty tears into them. We mean no harm. We bump into each other like diamonds in the rough, polished by life unfolding. It is healthy to try to see the good in others, that is, to see that each person is doing the best they can with the skills they have at this time. When we avoid taking things personally and rest in the bigger picture, our hearts will flower into the fullness of compassion and we will no longer hurt or feel hurt by our ignorance or the ignorance in others.

(Continued tomorrow with "Understanding and Compassion")

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack - Part 1: The Power of Patience

2011-11-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Parvati,

I am having difficulty managing angry feelings toward one of my supervisors. He criticized me harshly during a presentation I was giving in front of a crowd. I know that it was meant to be personal. What made me even more angry than the slag was that I couldn't fight back or defend myself in that moment. I felt powerless, and I had to swallow the anger that came up. I have been fuming over it for days. In my less angry moments, I absolutely recognize my role in this conflict and the attachments and distorted boundaries that I helped to build, which have led to this. I also know that what feels rooted, vital and expansive is if I were able to let go of these attachments, and with that, the anger and hurt. But my ego is still fuming, and I can't "get over it". I also feel some anxiety about having to work with him again, which I will have to do regularly. Help!

I think I need to re-build boundaries that were violated, but I feel so vulnerable right now. No doubt this kind of attack brings up feelings of being attacked by my mother when I was a child and feeling powerless and afraid. My question relates to handling these difficult feelings during circumstances that are less than ideal. Do you have suggestions or insight?

PART 1: THE POWER OF PATIENCE

Dealing with difficult people is a skill that takes practice. Encountering a person that pushes our buttons can feel like running headlong into a wall. We end up with wounds and bruises until we learn to slow down, see more clearly and make different choices. Once we slow down and choose differently, we begin to see that others' hurtful choices have nothing to do with us. When we slow down and make different choices, we also open to the wisdom that arises as we care for ourselves. We get to know ourselves better as we nurse our long-standing wounds, that have been reopened inadvertently, back to health.

As we explore this week how to deal with difficult people, patience comes to my mind. Yet, when we hear the word "patience", we may subconsciously think that it only applies to wimps. We are in a society that does not necessarily praise patience, but tends to cheer us on as we roar into battle. We have all heard the phrase "patience is a virtue". It is a term that has stood the test of time. There must be a reason for such -- perhaps, because it is true.

Patience requires particular skill and spiritual evolution. Often falsely associated with passivity and resignation, patience provides a quiet power that helps us avoid getting caught up in life's dramas. It helps us see that behind the intensity of our experiences, there are eternal truths at play. It helps us to not take things so personally, and see more fully into what is really going on beyond our reactive ego.

Patience, however, is not easily cultivated and often grows through adversity. When we feel like life is a battering ram directed straight at our hearts and things are just not going our way, we are called to soften, surrender and cultivate patience. When we get all out of sorts because life throws us curve balls, we inevitably suffer. Our reactions add fuel to an already raging fire. Patience helps quell any excess heat and keeps our hearts warm and open, while our minds remain cool and calm. With this internal balance, we can meet the present moment more fully.

The dictionary defines the quality of being patient as "the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like; an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner; quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast."

When we read "to have patience with a slow learner", we may immediately think that the slow learner we are asked to have patience for is "that fool over there who hurt me". It is true that patiences teaches us to see all beings as evolving, however rough, unsteady, prone to err and imperfect they may be. However, is it possible that the slow learning we are being asked to have patience for is also our own? Here we are again, faced with adversity and getting all bent out of shape. We know there is a more balanced way to live. We want to be free of suffering. We have come this far on our spiritual path. Too often, when we face adversity, we add insult to injury by criticizing ourselves for events over which we have no control. Not only have we felt criticized by another, we may criticize ourselves with thoughts like, "How could I have reacted again? When will I transcend these emotional reactions and live with greater steadiness?"

Though we may experience hurtful judgements and moods in others, the way we judge ourselves in reaction to them also hurts. If we truly loved ourselves and rested in a place of wholeness, the ups and downs of others moods would pass over us like changing weather patterns. But we are attached to what others think of us and to approval and praise we hope to receive. So criticism hurts doubly.

When we face adversity and in life in general, we need humility and patience for our own folly. We all tend to point fingers at "that person over there" who is behaving "so badly". But we too have a tendency to act hurtfully. We know we can hurt someone, because likely we are masters at criticizing ourselves. Perhaps, as someone pours negativity towards us, we reactively pour it right back at them. We tend to treat others the way we treat ourselves. As we practice patience for our own humanity, the way we err, the way we hurt, the way we buy into others' miseries and take them on as our own, we evolve and have greater patience and understanding of the very same in others.

Spiritual texts of all world religions praise patience. It is a quality we must learn as we evolve spiritually. Here are some quotes from the "big books" that may inspire:

"The patient man shows much good sense, but the quick-tempered man displays folly at its height." (Proverbs 14:29, NAB)

"An ill-tempered man stirs up strife, but a patient man allays discord." (Proverbs 15:18, NAB)

"A patient man is better than a warrior, and he who rules his temper, than he who takes a city." (Proverbs 16:32).

"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:21-23, NIV)

"No one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint, none but persons of the greatest good fortune." (Quran, 41:35).

When we face a challenging person, our knee-jerk reaction may be to fight back. But this often gets us pulled into dramas and away from our centre. We find ourselves putting fuel on an existing fire of anger or hate by acting vengefully or impulsively. The need for fight and flight exists as a primal instinct that kept us out of harm's way when we were in the jungle. But we no longer live in that jungle.

When we cultivate patience, we give ourselves the space to find the cool waters of wisdom-compassion. We see a much fuller picture of what is going on beyond our knee-jerk reactions when our buttons get pushed. Patience's steadiness teaches us resilience when we face adversity. Patience shows us how to become quiet in the face of hardship and remain rooted in a bigger picture. From that point of view, we see that life is not happening "to me", but perfectly teaching us how to grow into the compassionate beings we are meant to be.

(Continued tomorrow with "The Big Picture: It's Not Personal")

Update: Ask Parvati returns on Sunday

2011-11-22T20:19:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends,

My apologies for the delay in this week's postings. There was a medical emergency in my family yesterday that has taken and continues to take all my attention. As such I will not be posting this week's blog entries until next Sunday.

In the meantime, there are four juicy articles I wrote for Parvati Magazine that were just posted, so please go to www.parvatimagazine.com. There you will find all you need to fill you this week and beyond. With Grace, I will post this Sunday, as usual, and throughout next week.

Parvati

PS: The first section of my answer to this week's question is on patience. I suppose, as fate would have it, that the delay in my posts this week helps us all practice just that. How amazing.

Ask Parvati coming tomorrow - and Parvati Magazine December Issue is live!

2011-11-20T15:53:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

I am at a photoshoot today and will not have a chance to post this week's "Ask Parvati" until tomorrow. In the meantime, I invite you to check out the latest issue of Parvati Magazine, which just went live Friday evening. This month's theme, for the holiday season, is "light and dark". The articles remind us to find balance during the festive season.

Wishing you much peace,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 5: Getting The Love You Need

2011-11-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED

(Continued from Getting The Love You Want)

Relationships are a path for personal growth. In my opinion, they can be a fast track way for spiritual growth. Perhaps some of you have had the experience of feeling great when you are on your own, but when you get into a relationship, all of a sudden you find out all sorts of areas for personal growth as your shadow gets provoked. None of that seemed to exist when you were on your own. So where did it come from? The ego assumes it must be your partner, so you conclude you're with the wrong partner. Truth is, these vasanas (or negative tendencies) were within you all along and have been simply triggered by the relationship.

Of course, it is healthy to be in a relationship where you find the support and safety you need to explore and ultimately release these vasanas. This is why a healthy relationship is more like a co-creative workshop for spiritual growth than a walk in the park. They amplify our shadow and our potential. They bring out hidden tendencies and show us who we truly are. When we are willing to accept the fuel for growth and let our ego guard down, the workshop begins to feel more like a walk in the park, as we become more spiritually fit.

I have had my fair share of a range of relationship experiences, some painfully scary and others tender and divine. In hindsight, I can see in that all the while, I was being taught exactly what I needed to learn in exactly the way I needed to learn it. Sometimes when we resist lessons, life heats up the teachings and we find ourselves in painful situations. The intensity of the lesson may be a measure of our resistance to learning and the hardness of our ego. If we meet a relationship with humility, these tough lessons soften and our learning and evolution increases.

I have found when I am willing to let go of the grip of my ego and live in service to the creative flow, this moment as it is right now, I touch a level of love and joy that is not conditional upon circumstance. This is something I can choose. I can tap into that flow at any time.

Our partners may push our buttons, but the buttons are ours. Our old patterns exist within ourselves. They are not found inside the other person.

I believe it is humbling and healthy to know that we will be triggered at some point or another until we reach enlightenment. The triggers persist because they are part of our attachments to “mine”, the part of the human psyche that divides and individuates. Similarly our partner has the same tendencies. When we understand this, we can soften to what may seem intense, unfair, or "against me" in the moment and open to a bigger picture. We can laugh more at our tendency to grasp and push. We can let go and flow with greater joy.

No one person, no matter how perfect, could fill up a hole in our psyche. In some sense, it is not even really fair to ask that of anyone. No one person could make our distorted perceptions right. Maybe by their not giving us what we feel we want in the moment, we go inside and find it from our capacity for self-love and from our relationship with the Divine. Maybe by not being given the exact right response that we feel we want in this moment to make life seem perfectly shiny, maybe we are being given the greatest gift we could get. In that moment, we see our attachments to how we want life to be, rather than how life is. In that moment, our “me-ness” cracks a little, and a fissure of light slips in. We can see, in perfect reflection, our wanting, how our ego wants things to be a certain way to feel temporarily loved.

In truth, we are always loved. Our perception of such gets eclipsed, and we forget. That is ok. When we don’t get what we want, we have a chance to see what we really need. We have an opportunity to turn our awareness to the reality that we are already whole, loved, connected and interconnected to an intelligent whole that is far greater than our limited ego or will. We just temporarily got caught up, in the smallness of “me” and forgot the expanse of “I Am”. Our partner too is part of that intelligent whole. And whether our partner knows it or not, he/she just gave us a gift back home, to the One undivided state of continual bliss. Not bad for a relationship, huh?

Today is the last day to submit your question to be answered for next week's blog. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com.

I will post a new blog topic in answer to one of your questions throughout next week starting this Sunday.

Thanks for reading!

Be well till then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 4: Getting The Love You Want

2011-11-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT

(Continued from Acceptance and Insight)

Intimate relationships can be complex. We say we want to find love, yet we are often attracted to people from whom we find it hard to get what we feel we need. Some psychotherapists suggest that unconsciously, we seek to fix the wounds of our childhood through our intimate partners. It is like we want our mummy or we want our daddy through them. In fact, certain theories suggest that our unseen wounds help us find our "perfect" match. The problem is, the person we find at first to be "perfect", turns out to re-enact the very pains we experienced as a child. One morning, we wake up to find that we are not in relationship with our ideal mate, but with a replica of our clingy mother or our aggressive father. Then we ask, how did we get here? Unhappy, we push against what we see and inadvertently move into power struggles, trying to fix the other person, who once seemed to fill us up just the way we needed. We think of breaking up and may even choose to do so. Or we choose silent resignation, because, unwilling to risk change, we sum up that this is just the way relationships are - tough.

We are told we cannot change the other person, but can only change ourselves. Then what are we to do when we find our partner is not who we thought them to be? Do we break up, time and time again, until we find the one perfect person, with whom we interact perfectly? In search for the ideal, life could soon feel like a never-ending chase for Mr. Perfect or Miss Right. So we ask ourselves, do we stay unhappy in power struggles or in silent resignation, saying this is just what couples do?

In the absence of what we feel we want from our significant other, we are offered a tremendous gift to find what we may truly need to become whole. We are offered something that does not exist outside of ourselves in another person, to touch something that comes uniquely from the infinite. We cannot find this perfection from another person, who is limited and not whole. We can find it through inner awakening, when we embrace the perfection of this moment, and reside in the expansive experience of being the very fabric of life itself: love.

"Okay," you say. "What does that mean? My partner still drives me crazy!"

I say, You are love.

You say, "But I don’t feel loved."

I say, How can you feel loved when you don’t experience yourself as love itself? How can something broken, truly feel whole? It is only in the receptivity to and the realization of wholeness that we can feel whole. One who feels he/she wants to be filled up, because he/she feels broken, will not be filled up, but will only find temporary fixes that soften the pain of separation from the One source of infinite love.

When we realize that what we think is love is not love but wanting, we start to find the love we always hoped to find. What we call love is often attachments to forms of emotional bartering. They are more like contractual arrangements to suit our limited ego perception of reality. As such, they are bound to leave us empty and wanting more.

When we don't find the love we want, we are called to remember that we are to return to the One, the permanent, undivided state with the source of life. When we don't find the love we want, we are called to remember that we are love. It is our attachment to illusion that makes us think anything else.

These illusions are part of psychological distortions we carry from previous incarnations. We then attract the perfect family to exacerbate our disconnected tendency, to help us see it, so we may release our attachment to it and return to love. As children, we were dependent on our imperfect parents for our needs. But they were not one with the pure source of love, so they were bound to err. We then take that personally as a sign that love is imperfect. So we seek to fix that in our intimate relationships, seeking a fix for a disconnected wound we have from childhood (and previous incarnations). This is why we unconsciously look for mummy or daddy in our partners, so we can fix that deep wound.

But ultimately, we come to see that mom and dad were imperfect and so are all humans. Our source of love cannot depend on others, because everyone is flawed. Everyone will let us down at some point or another, if we expect them to be perfect. We are imperfect. So are others. This is why we are called through intimate relationships to tap into the source of love we are, not try to "get love" from outside.

So at some point our "perfect" partner will not give us what we want and let us down. We could keep looking for someone who will. And maybe that next relationship would be good -- up until we face our own feeling of inner lack.

Relationships are not meant to bring us infinite happiness. Only we can give that to ourselves. They are not meant to give us all the love we need. Only we can tap into that ourselves. So then why be in a relationship?

We will look at that question in Getting the Love you Need in tomorrow's entry.

See you then,

Parvati

PS: Don't forget tomorrow is the last day to submit your question to be answered for next week's blog. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 3: Acceptance and Insight

2011-11-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

ACCEPTANCE AND INSIGHT

(Continued from Acceptance Versus Resignation)

Let's look at a simple relationship example, perhaps one you have experienced before. Your partner wants to go to the movies. You really want to stay home and tackle some unfinished household chores you both have left lingering that weigh on you. You don't get how he/she could want to go to the movies when these chores are pending. He/she does not get why you are so fixated on chores when there is fun to be had.

This pattern has been going on for some time in your relationship. In fact, when the topic of movies comes up, you feel resentment. In your eyes, your partner wants to "goof off" -- sigh! -- again. You want to be practical and move forward, unburden your lives by facing things that need attention. You don't want distractions. You want action.

From your partner's point of view, you don't have enough fun. You are too serious, wanting to plan for the future rather than live for the now and go out on the town and have fun. He/she feels you don't go out enough, and he/she needs more lightness in the relationship. Staying home and doing chores feels too confining.

If you were to give in, perhaps you would just go to the movie, telling yourself that it makes him/her happy. But then you begin to linger in resentment, because the house remains unattended and your needs are not met. This is not a win-win. To me, win-lose exchanges in a relationship are ultimately lose-lose. It is one of the poisons leading to eventual relationship demise. They are to be avoided.

If you were to quietly sit down and discuss together the options that make both of you happy and try to find a compromise, you may agree to do chores for part of the day, then take a break and go to the movies. If you feel good about that and so does he/she, then you have found a win-win.

Beyond compromise, is the notion of acceptance. If you are aware that your partner has a tendency to, in your opinion, want to "goof off", you must ask yourself what is really going on. Acceptance is your best friend. You must accept that your partner has this tendency, which is different than yours. You don't necessarily like this tendency, nor do you want to encourage it, but you accept it. Accepting it does not mean that you give in, and only go to the movies. Accepting means that you understand you have divergent tendencies and that in the co-creative flow, in a life-affirming relationship, in the state of balance there is room for both. Both of you are imperfect and evolving.

Different people with diverging tendencies often get together to help balance each other out and encourage personal growth. That may be the case in this example. If you feel rooted, vital and expansive when you go out to the movies a little more often than you usually would, and have a happy helper to tackle household chores, then your reality has expanded thanks to your relationship. We must strive for that kind of partnership, where our relationships help to broaden our sense of reality and our sense of self to include a bigger picture of life, to enrich who we are.

When you accept a tendency in your partner that is divergent from yours, you begin to see a bigger picture and feel less personally attacked when you partner does something that would not be your first choice. If you accept his/her tendency, you will see that likely, this weekend, the topic of a movie or going out on the town will come up. Rather than having your feathers ruffled, you will see your partner doing his/her thing, as it is. It may be an opportunity to see life through different eyes. It does not become a personal attack on your need to tend to household chores. In that place of acceptance, you can remain calm, understanding and ultimately loving for the need your partner is expressing. In that place of calm, you can also clearly express your needs: that even though you enjoy movies, and you would be open to that, you also want to make sure it does not eclipse the practical need for chores. By accepting your partner, you are also accepting yourself. In so doing you begin to see your partner more clearly and you also share yourself more fully.

If the need to go to the movies is all your partner ever wishes for and he/she does not want to do household chores, you need to vocalize this misbalance. If there is no budge, then perhaps you need to make a decision if this relationship is right for you. You may simply want different things, have different life priorities and personal goals. There is nothing wrong with that. People can part ways amicably. In fact, that is a sign that a breakup is the resolving of some unfinished karma. If you leave angry, judgmental or resentful, the likelihood is, you will meet similar patterns in your next partner until these patterns are clear in you.

When you start to accept a tendency in your partner, you begin to see beyond the need to go to the movies, for example, as an isolated issue. You begin to inquire into and ask yourself (or your partner, depending on how open he/she is), Where does this desire come from? Is it an expression of his/her joy? Is it a diversion? Does it help bring you out of your shell because you are scared to let loose? Is it actually a way he/she hides from his/her fear of making commitments and building for your future? Does the tendency come from hiding or opening?

Acceptance creates a seedbed for insight to grow. When we accept what is, our consciousness opens to meet it. We can then see the moment in fullness, for what it is and make wiser, more compassionate choices.

With greater compassion and understanding, the next time the topic of the movie comes up, you see the bigger picture. You see your flow, you see his/her flow. You also know that there is a whole, supporting each one of you together and individually. There is balance somewhere, waiting for you, that you can invite in.

Part of this week's question was when do you know if you should stay in a relationship. Tomorrow we will look at Getting The Love You Want.

Enjoy the day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Relationships: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 2: Acceptance Versus Resignation

2011-11-14T09:00:00.001-05:00

ACCEPTANCE VERSUS RESIGNATION

(Continued from Balanced Compromise)

Compromise is different from acceptance. After we make a compromise, we learn to accept our choices. If we choose not to compromise, we also must accept our choices. We can easily mistake acceptance for powerlessness, as though the word were synonymous with "throwing in the towel" and resignation. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Acceptance is a powerful place. In fact, true change only begins once acceptance occurs. We may want to change our partner. We can try to push him/her into doing what we want over and over again. But that will only lead to two people feeling unhappy. If we want change, we must soberly look at what is and accept it, which means not trying to push our will into trying to change the way things are to suit our needs.

To accept is to be in non-resistance to what is. Acceptance is active in a non-forceful way. It is dynamic in a quiet way. Acceptance is alive, because when we are acceptant, we flow with the force of life. Think of nature. The flower is. It is in a state of acceptance of its flower nature. It is not trying to change things. It is in flow with the force of life.

Being passive is closer to being resigned. When we are passive, we could be very much in discord with what is, resistant to it, angry at it, hating it, resenting it. In this passive state, there is no acceptance. We are energetically against what is. In this, there is much unhappiness.

When we are acceptant of what is, we can meet the moment. We open. We can see more options, feel more joy, share more love, tap into the infinite source of love that is all around. When we are acceptant, we love.

Being acceptant does not mean that we like all this moment brings. Maybe this moment is full of horror and atrocities. If we are passive in the face of such, we immobilize ourselves and thwart the possibility of change. If we are aggressive in the face of such, we may implicate ourselves into the whirlwind of the horror. When we accept what is, without necessarily agreeing with it, we find tremendous creativity and possibility.

Intimate relationships are active, alive entities that exist between two people. It is part one person, part the other person and part something that is from neither. I do not think that relationship are two halves that make a whole, but two wholes that co-create possibility. We can find this kind of "positive possibilities" relationship only when we are willing to accept what is and be responsible to manage our own energies, not try to change others.

I have never understood the term "agree to disagree". It just does not make sense. Where is the co-creation in that? To me, that is resignation said politely. To me, that is relationship death. I believe in every moment there is a place of golden resonance, where two people can expand and tap into vitality. If both people are not willing to go there, it can be harder to find together. But it does not mean that you cannot find that place of expansion and beauty. Perhaps, once you have tapped into that bounty, your partner will be more inspired to go there as well, without you trying to make that decision for him/her.

When we are fixated on trying to choose between an either/or, we tend to feel unhappy with both. I am sure you have been there. You are caught in a dilemma. You feel you have to choose between option A or option B. Neither feels right. But you cannot see any other option. You feel pressure to make a decision. From my experience, if A and B both feel off, then you must choose C. The thing is, we often cannot see C so we don't know how to choose it.

The third option is born out of acceptance and non-resistance. It is often somewhere between two extremes. Our mind tends to work in opposites. We think good/bad, ugly/beautiful, happy/sad… It is part of our human nature to think in extremes.

The Buddha, thousands of years ago called his path "The Middle Way". The expansive, enlightened choice often is the third option, the middle way, somewhere between A and B. Not necessarily as a literal cutting down the middle, but a third option that feels balanced between two. Acceptance opens us to the middle way so that we do not get stuck with A or B. When we are not stuck on either, C may arise. C was always there. We were just too busy thinking only A or B existed to see it.

There is a wonderful story in traditional yogic teachings of the monkey and the banana. How do you trap a monkey? You place a banana in a metal cage and wait for the monkey to come and grab it. When it does, it cannot pull the long thin banana through the cage bars. Its mind so fixated on wanting that banana, it does not see if it turned the banana sideways, its arm would slip right through the bars. We are often like that, because we are busy fighting what is, due to our attachments. When we practice acceptance, we gain insight and option C opens to us.

Tomorrow I will look at what finding insight through acceptance looks like with a real life example in Acceptance and Insight.

Till then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 1: Balanced Compromise

2011-11-13T15:49:00.001-05:00

Dear Parvati,

I'm in a long-term relationship with someone I love, but I find my partner challenging at times, which makes me sometimes doubt whether I'm in the right relationship. Some people tell me I give too much -- others tell me I need to give more! I'm confused. How do you know if you're in the right relationship? When is compromise and acceptance letting yourself get walked all over, and when are they part of spiritual growth and learning to truly love? Thanks for your insight.

PART 1: BALANCED COMPROMISE

Thank you for these questions. Whether you are in a long term relationship or simply moving through the day interacting with people around you, learning how to compromise, when to accept and when to move on, are skills we all must learn along our path to wholeness.

We have all met people who do not like to compromise and resist doing so. They somehow manage to manipulate situations to get their way, either through twisted charm, temper tantrums, dramatic diversions, guilt strategies, bullying techniques or passive denial. Even if these people are supposedly "getting what they want", I don't believe that they truly are happy if they behave that way.

In each moment, there is perfect balance. When we give more than what is in rightful balance, another person is taking more than what is their fair share. If you feel taken advantage of, or left with more than what is rightfully yours, then something is out of balance. These kind of energy exchanges happen every day of our lives. We pay the ticketed price for a purchase. We thank people for their hard work or we get a pay cheque for the hours we have put in. We take what is rightfully ours and give what feels sincere. Acting this way keeps our lives in balance and keeps us whole, spiritual beings.

In each moment, we are individuals held within a perfect whole. So though we are here, living our lives on this earth, there is also a huge, expansive intelligence which is within us and surrounds us. In fact, we are part of a vast universe, never alone. We are always part of that wholeness, loved, supported, complete. It is our habit to see ourselves as separate.

Being able to compromise is a skill that comes from understanding this bigger picture, beyond what is just before us. When we are rooted in the bigger picture, we can tap into the fullness of abundance, rather than grasping at scarcity. The bully, the one who always gets his or her way, is in scarcity, not in abundance, even if they seem to always get what they want and may even live in the lap of luxury. When we look at life from the vantage point of wholeness, any given situation becomes less about "you" and "me" and more about balanced flow within a greater whole. When we are simultaneously aware of our flow and the greater whole, we feel balanced, loved and alive. From this perspective, compromise must feel balanced in order for it to be rooted in dharmic (righteous) spiritual alignment. True compromise is not born from feeling "less than".

When we think, eat, speak and do things that are not in alignment with our highest good, we lose our vital energy. If you tune in, you will see that when you are out of alignment, you start to feel spaced out, listless, weak or ungrounded. When you are in flow, in your centre, you will feel rooted, vital and expansive. To make compromises that are in alignment, that are both personally empowering and win-win, we must understand what alignment feels like.

Each person, in every situation, will have different responses. No two people are alike. But I believe we all feel aligned when we feel energized and as though we are growing. Not forcibly, but through feeling tapped into life's immense river. Sure, there are growing pains at times, but when we are in alignment with evolution, the expansion we experience brings us energy, fullness, not depletion. So compromise must feel ultimately rooted, vital and expansive for it to be in alignment.

Next time you begin to make a compromise, ask yourself this simple question: "Does this make me feel rooted, vital and expansive?" If your answer is no, you need to go deeper and find a different solution. If your answer is yes, go ahead and make that choice.

Compromise is different than acceptance, though they are closely linked. Tomorrow we will look at the nature of acceptance, and how that differs from resignation in Acceptance Versus Resignation.

Thanks again for this question. I look forward to answering it throughout the week.

Enjoy!

Parvati

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 4: Discernment

2011-11-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

DISCERNMENT

(Continued from Gossip Hurts)

You ask, "Is there a way to know when someone is truly practicing satya or they just talk a good game?" We need to learn discernment along the spiritual path.

I originally wrote the text below for my Seeing Past the Shimmer blog entry, but feel it applies here too, so I share it with some slight modification:

I believe we are all a lot more alike than different. I would say that the light you see in your friend is a reflection of the light you see in yourself. Conversely, the shadow you sense in him/her is a reflection of your own discomfort with your own inner shadow.

Whether you are acquaintances or are best of friends, whether you hang out every day for the rest of your life or never see the person again, is secondary to the opportunity to grow from any encounter and deepen your own spiritual awareness. I would see this person as a gift from the universe for you to learn greater discernment, practice tuning into what you are feeling in the moment and act in a way that honours your inner voice.

Next time you are around a person and you question their sincerity, ask yourself:

Do I feel expansive now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
Do I feel safe now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
What wonderful qualities do I see in this person? How are these aspects of myself?
What can I not stand in this person? How are those aspects of myself?
Can I allow myself to just be, and watch this person/situation as he/she/it is, without reacting?
Does it feel rooted, vital and expansive for me to stay with this person now? If yes, stay. If no, go.

As a tool to learn discernment and develop compassion, I mention above to ask yourself in the moment if it feels rooted, vital and expansive to stay with that person or move along. This question is a powerful litmus test to see if the "good game player" side in you (in your words) is in fact masking your own shadow, as you hang out with someone who may be doing the same.

If it does feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay, then do so and fully relax and meet the moment in all its wonder. If it does not feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay and you choose to stay, then you too would be playing a "good game" by remaining. It is far more honest and compassionate to all involved (which includes you!) to kindly choose to interact no longer, wish the other well, and move on.

The gift here is in the power to discern what feels expansive and supportive for you and learning to accept both yourself and others exactly where you each are at. We don’t need to hang out with everyone, but I believe we are called to learn to love everyone, equally. By “love” I don’t mean a sentimental attachment, but a commitment to be real, honest, open, humble and courageous in this moment. By “love” I mean developing the state of witness consciousness, to see all of life… the beautiful, the painful, the glorious, the ugly… unfold as it is.

Love is like a flower that blooms in the fertile soil of self-love. As we learn to love ourselves exactly as we are, we become able to love others as they are by seeing through appearances and being present for what is, without judgment, attachment, fear, guilt or trying to change the outside world to suit our needs. In every moment we have the choice to embrace our evolution or resist it in some way. By rooting our actions in self-love, by practicing discernment through non-attachment, we can learn to cultivate timeless love and see beyond temporal, manufactured sparkles into eternal, expansive light.

WIshing you much joy on your continued path.

My next post will be on Sunday.

Be well until then,

Parvati

PS: Please send in your questions for this Sunday's post to ask@parvatidevi.com. Thanks in advance!

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 3: Gossip Hurts

2011-11-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

GOSSIP HURTS
(Continued from Cultivating Compassion)

At the core of the practice of satya (truthfulness) is non-gossip. Non-gossip is also part of the five Buddhist precepts, rules by which to live. These precepts are analogous to the yogic Yamas and Niyamas and to the Ten Commandments. They are:

1. Do not kill (including non-harming, the absence of violence)

2. Do not steal (including taking that which is not rightfully yours)

3. Do not lie (including name calling and gossip)

4. Do not misuse sex (including adultery, harassment, exploitation; for renunciates, this means celibacy)

5. Do not consume intoxicants (including drugs, alcohol; for some this can even mean do not engage in mind-numbing activities such as movies and TV)

Gossip is idle talk or rumours, especially about the personal or private affairs of others. Gossip is prolific in our society, something we often take for granted. In extreme cases, it is considered a trustworthy source of information.

It seems gossip is practiced when we do not feel "enough". It comes from scarcity. It is not an expression of abundance, plenty, joy and fulfillment. We all have the capacity to gossip about what "they" did "over there", because that makes us feel temporarily better than "them". But we only do that for the temporary fix of feeling "better", because we fundamentally don't feel enough. If we knew truly that we were love, that each moment is perfection, we would understand our and others' shortcomings so that we could only experience compassion. Instead, we gossip.

I am guilty of gossip. Inadvertently, or in moments of spite, I have surely spread untruths. I have coveted that which "they have" out of feeling lack. These are poisons driven by our human ego. They cease only when we begin to notice them and understand that they are rooted in ignorance. Once we see the suffering they create, we chose to stop promoting pain. When we see the pain we cause in another through spreading untruths, our hearts break open to express our humanity, our capacity to love. No one wants to be subject to false accusations and lies.

I personally understand how gossip hurts. I have experienced it in various situations, even in groups that are supposedly spiritual. Despite the hurt I have felt, these painful times have also provided me with an unsurpassed opportunity to grow, evolve, learn and ultimately love.

Recently I was in a situation where a close friend of mine felt threatened by her next steps on her path and was not ready to face her problem with addiction. So she felt compelled to blame someone for her shadow, because she was too afraid and proud to hold herself accountable for her painful actions. This is natural and perhaps we have all done this to some degree or another. When we cannot deal with what we have done, it becomes someone else's fault. We all also tend to hurt the people closest to us. Since I was one of the people close to her, I was in her ego's line of fire and became the target of her hungry shadow. What followed was a gross misrepresentation of events, blaming me for her own choices.

I am sure that many can relate to the experience of a friend acting in ways that hurt or even betray us. These painful things happen. Likely too, many can relate to feeling inner turmoil as people harbour incorrect and unfavourable opinions about us. Our discomfort is part of our own shadow, driven by our own feeling of "I am not enough", that keeps us attached to feeling we need others’ approval in order to feel good. Part of satya is to find rooting in our truth that is not driven by approval from others, but only from our quiet, humble and unique connection with the divine.

In the case of my friend spreading gossip, it hurt my feelings deeply to feel judged and misrepresented. It hurt that she had made a radical about-face after the deep friendship we had shared. It hurt that others in our community took her word at face value, never checking in with me about how I was feeling or if any of what she said was true. In fact, the opposite occurred. When I reached out to people who had joined the gossip bandwagon to express how I was feeling, I received judgmental, finger-wagging "advice" back. There was no openness, humility, interest or receptivity.

The poison of this gossip extended to people who had been close friends with me for years as well as to acquaintances and spiritual renunciates that I greatly admired. It was as though a plague had spread. So I went into my heart, my soul, and inwardly called to my guru and asked, "How come? What am I to learn in this?"

It took me several months of tears, rage, inner processing, and deep soul searching to finally find the lotus flower blossoming in the proverbial mud. It had all felt like mud till then, layers of unclear complications created by someone who did not want to face her pain. Where was the flower that rises above the swamp? I could not see it.

Eventually, I saw that the entire gossip train was the most perfect gift I could receive. The present came to me like the fresh fragrance wafting above pond scum. Close friends around me who were also hurt by the gossip began to have similar realizations. The gift in gossip was making itself seen.

Though the process was a very painful one, I learned some of the most valuable lessons in my life. I learned that any judgement I feel from others provides me with an opportunity to release self-judgement. It is a gift, a way I can cultivate more compassion, space, and support for myself through my unique connection with the divine. It is also a way I can learn to truly love others, witnessing them doing their thing in this moment, just as they are, which has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I also saw that the person who had betrayed me was a gift from my guru. She was inadvertently mirroring ways in which I was betraying myself. She turned her back on my heart and on our sacred bond of friendship. She twisted truths, making lies seem like a good thing. Is this not exactly what the ego does? There were parts of my ego that were busy doing this -- to myself! Through the painful experience, I saw the subtler ways I still was suppressing my soul voice, silencing it, or twisting it around to support an ego driven fear. This was really big, deep stuff! What Grace!

The gift in gossip became a fantastic lesson in the subtlety and potency of satya. My life-long commitment is to soulful evolution and spiritual growth. I now see that being at the centre of this gossip was a gift perfectly orchestrated by my guru to help me evolve and love. It strengthened my ability to stay true to my truth, not buying into other people's fears and perceptions, and to have compassion for all of our weaknesses. It has helped me love better by accepting the murkiness of the pond for what it is and focusing on the truth and eternal light of the lotus flower.

I still watch the hoo-ha go on around. Now this former friend of mine who started the gossip train is in a situation where she gets lots of attention, coddling, ego stroking and addiction enabling, which is exactly what she wanted all along. So in some way, she is temporarily happy. She still is in denial of what went on, of the gossip she spread and of the pain she caused. But that is ok. There is a far bigger picture than I can see. I cannot change her. I cannot change anyone. All I can do is learn from the situation and humbly grow. I am open to an honest, heart to heart discussion with her or anyone from the community we shared, should anyone be willing. Until such time, I practice accepting them all with all their varied colours, just as they are, not the way I want them to be. When life dishes you lemons, you make lemonade!

Gossip hurts. So next time you mechanically begin to propagate gossip, look within and notice in what way your ego is getting a boost. Drop it, immediately. There is no gain in false speech or in the support of illusory perceptions. That is not satya. Give thanks to the universe for noticing this tendency and let it go.

When you find yourself on the receiving end of gossip, give thanks for the gift of insight into your shadow and into the shadow of others. The ego only dies when it merges with the light. For this to happen, we must let go. Being on the receiving end of gossip shows you that you have something others fear and covet. It shows that their consciousness is rooted in scarcity. They cannot love or see you as you are because ultimately, they do not love themselves enough to do so.

We all know scarcity, so we all can find compassion for those who are mired in it. When others judge you, see it as a mirror for how you can judge yourself and may be holding yourself back. Being hurt by others’ small-mindedness mirrors an aspect of your small mind for you to see. Receive the gift. Give thanks and let it go.

Life is full of mud and flowers. Where we choose to focus is up to us. We can get mired in the mud by buying into it through spreading gossip or feeling the victim of it, or we can see it all as the illusion of scarcity and let it all go. The best choice we can make is to focus on the flowers and rise above the mud and merge with the pure light of undivided consciousness. It is that light that fuels the blossoming flower to grow from the mud. That light is our true nature, not the mud. May we all be the flowers we are!

There are no perfect humans, only people evolving. Even those wearing holy robes have foibles and can err, unless they are fully realized masters. Until we are fully realized, we will cause pain. How quickly we see our folly and how quickly we amend our ways makes the difference between the wise and the ignorant.

We will take a look at the final entry on gossip in part 4 tomorrow on Discernment.

Enjoy the rest of the day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 2: Cultivating Compassion

2011-11-07T15:31:00.001-05:00

CULTIVATING COMPASSION: WE ALL SIN

(Continued from Honesty and Truthfulness)

You ask, "How do we practice satya when we encounter gossip - particularly if the gossip is taking place among people we respect, or even among people who claim to be practicing yogis?"

I finally saw the 1982 movie Gandhi last night. It was incredible. I was impressed by one of the things that the character Gandhi said in this regard. He said he could not act violently against anyone who was acting unrighteously, because he too had faults. Instead, he chose to humbly stand up to what he felt was right through an active resistance to partaking in that which was unrighteous. Very importantly, standing up to unrighteousness started within his own self. He held himself up to the same standards that he inspired the world to live by.

All of us, unless you are a fully realized being, have vasanas (negative tendencies). No one is "free from sin", so to speak. No one has the right to judge or criticize anyone, because likely they too likely possess the very traits (to some degree or another) that they tend to criticize.

As I said last week, to me, the foundation of yoga practice is humility. Spiritual evolution seems to start there. Through humility, we become receptive to that which is much greater than our ego; and we can allow ourselves to be guided by it.

No one is perfect. Part of our journey as an aspiring yogi is to understand that and practice compassion. Do you have a tendency to gossip? Yes, likely you do. Does your yoga teacher? Yes, likely they do too. So does everyone who is not realized. We all have that tendency. The difference between an aspiring yogi and one who is still completely unawake is the willingness to work that vasana muscle.

With regards to your ashtanga teacher, you can do a few things:

- You can choose to simply watch your teacher's tendency to gossip and understand that it is a mirror providing you with an opportunity to practice the release of your own tendency to do so.

- Upon this understanding and from the vantage point of interconnection (not from a place of judgment or self-righteousness), you can quietly speak with your teacher about how you feel uncomfortable about that tendency and ask for more information as to why he/she tends to do that. It is often through the understanding of tendencies, finding out the story behind the action, that we can quickly develop compassion for others' habits. As Longfellow said: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Through understanding, we build compassion.

- You can learn these lessons within yourself and move to find another teacher.

Remember that whatever you choose, it is likely that you will need to continue to practice satya yourself. Be humble enough to see that there is no one perfect and, as such, you have a million opportunities a day to let go of your own negative tendencies (vasanas) and practice compassion for all the ignorance and suffering you see within and around you.

Tomorrow, we will look a bit more at gossip and how it hurts in Gossip Hurts.

See you then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 1: Honesty and Truthfulness

2011-11-06T18:49:00.001-05:00

THE GIFT IN GOSSIP

Dear Parvati,

I used to practice ashtanga yoga, which is supposed to emphasize correct behaviour (yamas and niyamas) as well as asana. I found myself very disillusioned with my teachers when they did and said things that were not in line with satya, one of the five yamas. That may be part of why I no longer practice that style. What is satya to you? Is there a way to know when someone is truly practicing satya or they just talk a good game? How do we practice satya when we encounter gossip - particularly if the gossip is taking place among people we respect, or even among people who claim to be practicing yogis?

HONESTY AND TRUTHFULNESS

Thank you for this week's question. For those who do not know, "satya" is a Sanskrit word that means "truth", "honesty", "correct" or "righteous". In Buddhism, the term "satya" means "right" in terms of the Noble Eight-Fold Path, such as Satya Vishwas (right belief) or Satya Karma (right action). The Buddha's Four Noble Truths are also known as "Arya satya". In Hinduism, satya is part of the Yamas, one of the eight stages along the yogic path, as described in the great sage Patanjali's Yoga Sutras.

Chapter 2, verse 36 in Patanjali's classic text says, “When one is firmly established in speaking truth, the fruits of action become subservient to him." When we are honest, we release our ego, which can only try to make things the way it wants them to be, rather than open to the way they are. When we align ourselves with that which is true, we let go of excess, we flow with the energy of life with greater ease, we return to the One. When we are absolutely honest with ourselves, our lives flower into the fullness of who we are. When we are honest with others, our lives flow in righteous action, in support of divine will. The fruits of action becomes subservient to him.

Being honest and living a truthful life are interconnected. Honesty applies to speech, thoughts and actions. When we live in a disconnected state, we may do things that are not in alignment with what we say we will do or what we know in our heart and soul is correct. Closing that gap so that we say what we do, we live in harmony with our heart and soul is to live in stay.

Living a truthful life is a choice. When we do so, we move consciousness towards the divine. Our human, ego-driven tendency is to say and do things that embellish, diminish, eliminate or omit, for the sake of our sense of divided self. But the divine sees all, regardless of our ego's creative antics. A life based on satya, is a righteous life, directed towards and in service to the divine.

Honesty is something we must cultivate, which is why it is a stage upon the spiritual path. Have you ever tried to be completely honest all the time? It is no easy feat.

Now think of your teacher (or someone else) who you say is not living in satya because he or she gossips. Though that person may be a spiritual aspirant, it is unlikely that he or she has mastered satya. Likely, her or she is in process with this profound spiritual quality.

Think back to how hard it is for you to live a life rooted in satya. It is a very big thing. So practice patience as you cultivate your own life of satya. Make the resolve to be honest all the time, even for one day. See how that goes.

SATYA IN CLASSICAL TEXTS

Satya is part of the eight stages of spiritual development as described in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. First, one practices the yamas, codes of conduct such as non-violence, truthfulness, not taking that which is not yours, faithfulness, patience, steadfastness, compassion, honesty, moderate consumption and purity in body, mind and speech. What follows are the niyamas, religious observances including remorse, contentment, charity, faith, worship, scriptural study, vows, recitation and chanting.

The yamas and niyamas form the foundation of a spiritual life. Upon this, an aspiring yogi practices asana to purify the body/mind through physical exercises, commonly known in the West as Hatha Yoga. Pranayama, breathing exercises geared to integrate the body/mind, is also practiced as a means of purification.

Ashtanga Yoga ("Asht" meaning eight in Sanskrti and "anga" meaning limb) is built upon the eight stages of spiritual development:

1. Yamas (moral codes)

2. Niyama (self-purification and study)

3. Asana (posture)

4. Pranayama (breath control)

5. Pratyahara (sense control)

6. Dharana (intention)

7. Dhyana (meditation)

8. Samadhi (absorbtion)

The Yamas and Niyamas are the foundation upon which we practice yoga. The first are the Yamas, codes of restraint. We learn to say "no" to make room for us to say "yes". The Yamas are ways we learn to self-regulate, purifying our relationship with the outer world. They are:

1. Ahimsa: non-violence
2. Satya: truthfulness
3. Asteya: non-stealing
4. Brahmacharya: non-excess
5. Aparigraha: non-possessiveness

The five Niyamas are observances that deal with our inner world. They are:

1. Shaucha: purity
2. Santosha: contentment
3. Tapah: self-discipline
4. Svadhyaya: self-study
5. Ishvara pranidhana: surrender

These ten points that make up the Yamas and Niyamas are the first two stages along the path of Ashtanga practice. Imagine… quite the commitment! Do they seem like a lot? Well, they kinda are! Could you fulfill them? Likely not. That is likely why your teacher is not "there" yet either. We may aspire to these, but it likely will take lifetimes to master them.

We will look more at the power of honesty and gossip tomorrow in Cultivating Compassion. See you then.

Parvati

Ask Parvati 34: The Journey to YEM - Part 5: My Practice Today

2011-11-05T09:00:00.000-04:00

My Practice Today

(Continued from The Healing Begins)

Life Is Yoga

The question I was asked this week led me to sharing more about myself than I ever have in a blog. I am grateful for the opportunity to share about myself. So how has yoga affected my life? I feel yoga is my life, so I don’t know how to separate myself from Yoga to express how it affected my life.

Yoga is life. It is everything. It is the way the branches of each tree converge and make entirely unique patterns in each tree. It is within the mystery of life unfolding and it is the mystery itself. It is the gut “knowing” we all have from deep within and it is within the surrendered not knowing.

After two teacher training programs and much in depth study since those early years of practice and awakening, Yoga now forms the root of my being. It creates the foundation of the way I receive the moment, the way I process information, the way I experience life.

When I say "yoga", I don’t mean bendy, physical exercises. Those are only a small part of a broad life science. Ultimately, Yoga is about merging back with the one source of pure consciousness, dissolving our identification with our ego, with feeling separate. Yoga is built upon the practice of humility, letting go and surrender. When we allow ourselves to release, we return to flow with a force much greater than our individual will. We begin to live in rhythm with the infinite, as a witness to the finite, rather than bound by the finite, wondering if the infinite exists.

My Practice Today

In my current practice, Yoga is about witnessing and cultivating a balanced state of being in each moment, softening to a rooted and surrendered state that is part of a much bigger flow. In that state, the notion of separation begins to release and I find a unity with a immensity beyond the sense of "me".

The Hatha Yoga Pradipika speaks of the need for yogis to cultivate "sukha and stira", a balanced state of being neither too relaxed nor too alert. I tuck that away in the back of my mind and let it be the backdrop of my day, a sort of canvas upon which the events of the day can be painted. I refer to this throughout the day, and inquire into how I am interacting with my environment, with others and with myself. I find this very useful to keep the notion of Yoga alive in each moment throughout the day. Ultimately, what else is there? Are we not all ultimately merging back to the one, each one of us more receptive to such in our own way?

When we take the notion of "sukha and stira" and apply it to our way of thinking (not just to the way we move or breathe as we would in a Hatha Yoga practice), we learn to be alert and receptive in each moment, finding a balance between being relaxed and focus, neither stressed nor spaced out. I find that very useful in the pace of today's world. Our mind broadens and becomes more perceptive and able to receive information and possibilities.

Each moment is full of information, which we can receive by softening or reject by reacting to it and shutting down. My breath is my best friend. By being aware of how I am breathing, I can see immediately how I am thinking. Throughout the day, I ask myself: "Am I holding my breath? Is my breath flowing? Do I feel the interconnection through the breath between the world beyond my skin and the world behind my skin?" Yoga is the way in which I choose to practice walking on the Earth, neither stepping sheepishly nor too aggressively. Yoga is the way I choose to practice balance in relationship, open to a co-creative, fluid, win-win experience that resonates inwardly and feels harmonious outwardly.

To me, the way in is sitting meditation. It is like priming the pump of consciousness so that it flows in abundance throughout the day. Though I still do physical practice, the majority of my practice revolves around sitting and walking meditation.

YEM: Yoga as Energy Medicine

The years of exploring the meaning of Yoga and how to integrate it into my life led to a deeper listening to an arising from within. That arising guided my physical yoga practice and brought grounded meaning to my day. I don't feel I "created" YEM. It blossomed through my life experience.

YEM aims to both infuse the body/being with consciousness and awaken the inner intelligence already present within the body/being. It awakens vital energy through mindful breathing, meditations, vital energy work and subtle attention to yoga postures. It guides the practitioner more deeply into the body, into the present. This is done through exercises that clear the body’s energy channels (nadis), in order to master vital energy (prana and shakti), and tap into unlimited power and ease (samadhi).

When beginning with YEM, there are two suggested points of focus: the flow of breath and the sensations that run through the body. The aim of all forms of yoga is to experience the oneness of body, mind and spirit. The breath acts as an interface between that which we perceive as outside our self and that which we experience within. The breath moves continuously within and without. Focusing our awareness on the breath assists the dissolve of the sense of division between what we see as outside our self (other) and that which we feel is within (mine).

The objective of breath awareness is to eventually experience a greater sense of personal wholeness and oneness with all things. It assist us in becoming simultaneously more globally aware and personally centered. Awareness on the inhalation draws our awareness inward, into our body/being. Awareness of the sensations within our body allows us to feel more at home in our body and anchor the experience of our breath in a tangible way. Focus on the exhalation allows for expansion and release.

There is tremendous spaciousness and ease inherent in the aerial quality of the breath. That spaciousness is brought into the body/being on the inhalation and is allowed to permeate through the body/being on the exhalation.

Breath and sensation are continuously interrelating. An embodied, yogic state is an expression of the dance between spirit and matter. The Sanskrit word Tantra, a branch of yoga, means "to weave" or "to expand". In this way, yoga is about weaving a dance between spirit (breath) and matter (body) while liberating dormant potential energies and infusing the body/being with consciousness. Focus on the interplay between breath and sensation becomes a meditation on the relationship between spirit and matter and allows for greater synergy between these two.

YEM is distinguished by integrating specific key points of awareness, such as:

1) Downward moving energy: Gravity anchors the body/being to the center of the Earth.

2) Upward moving energy: Inspiration connects us infinitely towards the cosmos.

3) The spine: The body’s central channel of universal energy.

4) Two-way-moving energy: In all poses there is at least two-way energy at all times.

5) Pelvic tilt: This is an expression of belly breathing. Our center of gravity is just below the navel. A tailbone tilt on the exhale releases energy downward so that subsequent upward moving energy can arise through the body and float into the crown.

6) Breath awareness: The breath is an interface between body, mind, spirit and soul. Focusing on this clears the subtle channels of the body and allows for integration of body, mind, spirit and soul.

7) Emotional awareness: Emotions bridge the physical and intellectual bodies. By practicing mindfulness, one comes more fully into the present, where healing and transformation occur.

8) Circuit breakers: The first cervical vertebrae (C1) at the very top of the neck, and the tailbone (the coccyx) at the base of the spine, when properly aligned, allow for upward and downward moving energy.

9) Body intelligence: Inherent intelligence exists within the body to be simultaneously released and cultivated. Through breath awareness we infuse the body/being with consciousness and awaken inner intelligence.

10) Global balance: Develop a balanced state of being that is both relaxed pleasure-delight (sukha) and firm alertness (stira).

11) Spaciousness: Allow room for the breath to permeate your body/being by doing 80% your maximum. Create spaciousness and ease rather than tension and compression.

12) Co-creation: When in a integrated state of being, a flowing pulse moves through the spine and radiates throughout the body. It is available in every posture. It is an expression of the co-creative interplay between downward and upward moving energy, rooting us in the personal and opening us to the global.

Tomorrow I will post the answer to a new question, continuing to post thoughts on that topic through the week. You can submit your question for the following week by emailing ask@parvatidevi.com.

En-joy,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 34: The Journey to YEM - Part 4: The Healing Begins

2011-11-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

THE HEALING BEGINS

(Continued from India: Meeting My Guru (The Doors Blow Open))

During my year in India, I ignorantly approached my desire for spiritual awakening with the fervour of an ambitious young architect. As a consequence, I blew open my psychic field and was challenged to find the balanced link (or yoga) between spirit and matter.

Nine months of intense burning fevers and long periods of spiritual bliss fuelled by intensive sadhana (spiritual practice) awoke subtle energies and connected me to "otherness". A neophyte along the path, I thought spirit and matter were separate. I wanted to meet God. And to me, God was "out there". I had been inadvertently telling my body that I no longer needed it, so off I went, higher and higher until a near death experience forced me back.

The fever that I had when I landed on Indian soil grew into an array of physical challenges. That, coupled with the intensity of my spiritual practices, culminated in an experience that changed everything. While traveling in the desert in Rajasthan, I collapsed and was brought by an inn-keeper on the back of his motorcycle to a hospital due to high fevers. A bed-ridden patient there, I had the classic NDE (near-death experience), traveled down the tunnel of light that led "to the other side". At the end of the tunnel of light, I was greeted by a group of beings, welcoming me to travel over. I remember vividly what happened next. As I went to merge with them, a voice I can only describe as the voice from the root of my soul said: “I want to live!”

Within every ounce of my being, a total redirection occurred. At that moment I very quickly found myself falling down that tube of light, landing into my body and waking up in a hospital bed unsure how I had gotten there. I had no idea whether I was at the hospital for a day, a week or a month. Meeting my guru Amma opened the doors to who I was. This NDE blew the doors wide open to the multiplicity of otherness. Now I see it was all Her anyway.

As I have shared in the past, I was a child sensitive to "otherness", skills I suppressed through high school and university. Well, our puny willpower is no match for the force of nature or the evolution of the soul. My natural gifts were now roaring with a vengeance. What followed was a period of extreme bliss and fierce psychic skills housed in a weakened body. Though my spiritual self had never been stronger, I needed to learn to befriend and heal the neglected body. Standing tall at 5'9", I was then barely 105 pounds. I had lost nearly 20 pounds over the year.

My year in India ended after I had an intense dream and gut sense that something was wrong at home. Following my instincts, I began the long journey towards my flight back. It took me almost a week to travel from the middle of the Rajasthani desert in northwest India to the southeastern city of Madras, where I would catch the plane back to Toronto. On Canadian soil at the Toronto airport, I was greeted by my father who looked pleased to see me, but also worried. He told me that my grandpa, his father, was in intensive care and was asking for me. My paternal grandfather died a day or so after I visited him in the hospital.

Suddenly back in the West, I felt like I had been catapulted from the Middle Ages right into the heart of the twenty-first century, in the space of a few hours on a trans-global flight. I understood that it was now my time to open to my healing. My mind had become quiet though the all-embracing year of intensive meditation practice. My yoga practice was deep, resounding in my cells. I was listening to nature and operating at a rhythm that was different from what I saw in the highways, concrete structures and speeding lights in the West. I needed to integrate the East I had found and loved with the West I was born into. Everything flowed in perfection while I was in India, so surely that same flow, or "golden thread" as I called it, existed in Toronto, or wherever I would be.

Stationed temporarily in my parents' home, I got rid of everything I could and slept on the floor. I meditated for hours every day and thought only to be a dedicated spiritual practitioner, create art and sing. These habits still form the foundation of my character and daily practices today.

At that time, my psychic senses were so alive that I could not take a bus or sit beside someone as I felt completely overwhelmed. I would know what happened to them when they were six or what would happen at 86. An Ayurvedic doctor said I was like a hi-fi stereo on volume ten. I had sensory overload and my dials were up too high. The psychic doors had blown open. I needed to learn how to turn down the volume and master the lock on the doors.

INSIDE OUTSIDE IN

The next years were just as full of amazing people, places and teachings as my time in India. The weak health in my body asked me to move my attention inward in a way I had not yet done. I had touched the expansiveness of the cosmos. It was now time to find that same expansion within, rooted in my being. The universe is immense outside, just as much as it is immense within. In fact, I found that the notion of outside and inside were illusions that did not need to confine me. The more rooted in my being I became, the more useful and practical the psychic skills were. Like anything in nature, the more grounded I was, the more broadly sky-bound I could be.

It was at this time that I opened a small yoga studio in Montreal and worked as an assistant minister at the United Church of Canada. I found that my awakening had very practical use. My call was to serve. This life clearly was a gift. I had been given a second chance to live. All I needed to do was love.

With subtle insight, I found that I could teach yoga and know where people's energies were blocked or stuck. People could call me from the other side of the world and I would know what was ailing them. I learned to walk down the street or take a bus and find a place (or asana) of balance within the whole flow. Life was becoming Yoga.

Over the years, my studies deepened and my practice flourished. I studied Chi Kung, Ayurveda, Thai Massage, Shamanic Soul Journeying, Sound Healing, Astrology and Nature Co-Creation. I offered these skills in treating people. My musical career also flourished with much greater meaning. I went deeper and deeper into various forms of yoga such as intensive work within the Iyengar method and completing another teacher training program with Esther Myers of the Vanda Scaravelli lineage. Healing, yoga, meditation, music, life… it all started to flow as part of one greater whole that I understood as Yoga.

These years were the formative years for YEM. Just as I listened intensely "out there" to find God, I listened intensely within to find the Divine and be guided. YEM flowered naturally, effortlessly.

Out of this vast array of experiences, I grew to see that all things are interconnected in ways our limited mind and senses cannot comprehend. We are not the body, but we temporarily inhabit it and are responsible for its well being. Like a temple for our spiritual practice, the body houses the spirit and also reflects it. It is a temporal housing of the infinite spirit we are. Just like Siva and Shakti, or Yin and Yang, the body and spirit are married, sharing the most exquisite balance.

(Continued tomorrow with My Practice Today)

Ask Parvati 34: The Journey to YEM - Part 3: India: Meeting My Guru (The Door Blows Open)

2011-11-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

INDIA: MEETING MY GURU (THE DOOR BLOWS OPEN)

(Continued from Steps Towards Yoga)

THE CALL

I was only 23, fresh off the plane from Canada. It was my first time in India. Though I felt like I was right side up for the first time in my life, I had no idea what was in store for me. They say the guru appears when the student is ready. I suppose I was ready.

A guru is not just a teacher. A guru-disciple bond is a profound relationship, as deep or deeper than marriage. It holds an intimacy within its embrace that speaks to the furthest corners of the soul and carries one through an inner landscape we never knew existed. The body of the guru is not bound by the finite, but extends through time and through all things. At least, so it has been for me.

Going to India was a true calling. I told my parents, much to their chagrin, that I was not doing my master in architecture and to not expect me back for five years. I would call when I could. (I now realize how painfully scary that must have been for them!) I was going to the other side of the world fuelled by the deep desire to meet my guru.

I knew there was someone "out there" to guide my yoga practice, to help me fulfill my spiritual potential. We have doctors to help heal our physical bodies. We have schools and universities to teach us the ways of the world. The guru is a realized being who has traveled along and completed the spiritual journey. Knowing the pitfalls along the path and understanding the mysteries of the universe, he or she can guide our way home. I did not know what that relationship would look like, but I knew how it would feel.

INDIA

I flew into Madras greeted by a family member of an architecture classmate. I had never met the middle-aged man before. But since it was in the middle of the night in a strange land, I was very glad he was there to greet me. I arrived in India with a fever, what I attribute to a sort of cabin fever, hardly able to stand the confines of the 18 hour flight. When I felt the energy of the land as I stepped onto the ground, I knew I had come to a place I would call home.

India is a land of extremes. It either spits you out or embraces you and never lets you go. It is not a place of niceties. You either love it or hate it. Within any given moment as you walk through a city of village street, you can see the most exquisite sight you have ever seen and the most horrific scene; you can smell the intoxicating fragrance of fresh cut jasmine flowers right beside piles of debris and fresh excrement. It is raw, in your face and real like no other place I have been. In the West, we tend to hide our shadows under layers of prettiness. In India, the beautiful, the sinister, the painful, the rapturous were all hanging out in plain sight for anyone to see.

I celebrated my 23rd birthday at a New Years's party (yes, I am a Dec 31st baby) on a roof top watching young India boys show me how they could moonwalk, Michael Jackson style. It was just a couple days after I had arrived, and I was still feverish. It all felt surreal.

A day or so later, I boarded a sweaty, smelly bus for another heroic 18 hour ride to Trivandrum, still further south, where I would then pile into a jeep with at least twelve other people and arrive at my final destination. At the Sivananda ashram just outside of the village Neyyar Dam, Kerela, I would attended my first yoga teacher training program and discover a classical approach to Yoga. I adored the whole program and the experience of daily immersion in the practice and study of Yoga.

After the month-long program, I remained in India for nearly a year while I traveled from temple town to ashram, often with sadhus (wandering aesthetics) or other fellow seekers. I spent six months in the South of India, then six in the North, staying in villages and cities and all the spaces in between. With just a small backpack carrying all I needed, and often sleeping outdoors on rooftops under an open sky, I had profound experiences outside the well traveled tourist paths. I learned from Brahmin priests, went to religious festivals, lived with impoverished villagers and lavish city folk; and I met my guru, Amma. My life is marked by BA (before Amma) and AA (after Amma) (rather than a BC and AD). This year changed my life completely.

AMMA

When I was at the Sivananda ashram, I met two young teenagers, a brother and a sister, who simply glowed. They emanated a light that was notable. I asked them what they were doing to exude such radiance. They knew exactly what I was seeing and simply said, "It is our guru." All I knew was I wanted some of THAT! It was intoxicating. By Grace, they told me that their guru's ashram was very close by.

As soon as the teacher training program was complete, I went to Amritapuri and met Amma, also known as the Hugging Saint of Kerala, South India. I now know that what I experienced for the next two months were precious jewels, experiences few had. Today, Amma's presence draws crowds that fill football stadiums as She tours the world. But when I first met Her in 1993, I was just one of a handful of people milling about Her. I did not know how lucky I was. I look back on those times with deep fondness.

Etched in me forever is the presence in the temple where Her devotees chanted bhajans. The modest, cathedral-like space echoed with a sublime sound that set every cell on fire. The hall walls seemed to dissolve into the ephemeral. They were no longer made of white tile, but liquid light. The atmosphere pulsated with a dewy luminosity that saturated the tropical air. If there were a heaven, I was in it. This was Brindavan.

Amma gives blessings, or darshan, in the form of a hug. Hugging, considered audacious for her humble South India upbringing and taboo for an Indian woman of her caste, is a gesture of motherly love. Today, thousands of people gather to receive Amma's darshan all over the world. Then, perhaps 30 or so people would gather about her at any given time. I sat for hours with Amma, immersed in a spiritual presence that seeped into my hungry soul.

It is hard to describe a darshan as each one is unique and perfect on so many levels, going to places where the mind cannot explain. I could only recreate the experience with the shortcoming of words, which would never do the experience justice. What I can say of my first darshan is everything stopped and I started to cry, and it did not stop. I cried for days. It just would not stop. I was neither sobbing nor whimpering. The tears were not tears of joy, nor of sorrow. I just cried, and cried more as some form of deep inner release. It was like a dam had broken inside of me and my soul started to flow again along the current of the Divine River of life.

For the next weeks, I followed Amma and Her renunciate monks and nuns on rickety buses on bumpy dirt roads through South India as She inaugurated temples and performed pujas (worship) in various spiritual settings. I meditated all I could and immersed myself in Her.

THE BOND BEYOND

Despite the immensity of the experience, after a couple of months, some itchy part of my brain began to stir. I figured I needed to move on and see other things in India. After all, I came to meet my guru. Surely, in India, there were many such saints. I needed to make sure this Amma was "the" one. I left Amritapuri and went from ashram to ashram, temple town to temple town. Though I met phenomenal people and had life changing experiences, nothing compared to the immensity I felt in Amma's embrace.

I would take me nearly ten years to fully accept Amma as my guru. Though there was always a "before and after Amma" since the moment I met Her, I was clearly not yet truly ready to fully say "Yes!" Amma continued to make Her presence known to me through the people I would meet over those years or by a broad array of coincidences that made me realize She was keeping her eye on me. I realize now that part of me needed to erode and soften so that I could receive the Grace of Her presence in my life. My ego wanted to do it on my own.

When Amma first came to Toronto, I told my partner that I wanted to go see Her. I told him, that I wanted to go see an Indian woman that I stayed with when I was in India. That was how much the denial of Her presence was for me. It was not until I saw Her immensity through his eyes, that I realized what had gifted my life. After that point, both my partner and I have fully accepted Amma as our guru.

The magical year in India blew my soul's doors open. I met Amma. That was everything. I also read books that painted a fuller picture of yoga and the spiritual path, such as Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, the Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. I studied classical yogic texts such as the Hatha Yoga Pradhibika, the Mahabharata, the Yoga Sutras and texts by Iyengar and Sivananda, to name a few.

I was only 23, but I felt like I had lived more than most people twice my age. This year changed everything. Though I was immersed for over eight hours a day in yoga, study and meditation, no external action I had taken was the source of any change. It was Amma all along. I realize now that She had called me to India. She had brought those books, people, places and teachers into my life. It is only by the guru's Grace that I am at all. It is only by God's Grace that I have the capacity to evolve, love, think, act, speak, breathe or walk. This year in India created the foundation for my understanding and aspiration to live my whole life dedicated to God, to spiritual truth in service to the magnificence of love. This year showed me that Yoga is everything, everywhere, always.

(Continued tomorrow with "The Healing Begins")

Ask Parvati 34: The Journey to YEM - Part 2: Steps Towards Yoga

2011-11-02T08:51:00.000-04:00

STEPS TOWARDS YOGA

(continued from Early Beginnings)

At 16 years of age, I took my first yoga class when I was enrolled as a student at McGill University. It was taught, little did I know at the time, by a Sivananda-trained yoga teacher. (I would love to thank him today for helping to spark my path). I adored the class. It felt both physically charged and spiritually inspired. I distinctly remember how the world seemed richer, fully and brighter after the class. I attended it religiously. Each week, the class felt like a homecoming. I would experience a feeling inside of me awaken, something I felt I had always known and also knew I was missing. Without understanding the fullness of what was happening, I sensed something deep within me growing through this weekly practice.

Yoga became a love affair. My practice has continued from the day of my first class on. However, I only stayed at McGill for a year. I did not feel personally fulfilled in the Arts and Art History program I was studying, so I chose to switch to Architecture at Waterloo University. At Waterloo, I continued my yoga classes with an Iyengar teacher, and went deeper into understanding postural alignment.

Yoga and meditation kept me sane in architecture school. The architecture program was very demanding. It exacerbated my type A personality I have learned to soften and release through my yoga practices. Classmates noticed I was doing something to manage my stress, so I started to guide a few peers through yoga postures and breathing to help us cope with our demanding schedule and tight deadlines. I guess you could say that was my first experience teaching, though I resisted any such title.

After university, I worked at a reputed Montreal architecture firm. I was paid well, had a budding young career and was respected, but I felt an inner restlessness. A voice within would not quell. Externally, it seemed that the “right” thing to do was to do my masters in architecture. But that did not feel right at a gut level. I could not put it into words. All I knew was that the light I was cultivating doing yoga seemed to grow dimmer when I thought about a masters degree.

What did feel right, was that I was supposed to do something other than work as an architect. The problem was, I did not know what. Music continued through my life as a passionate, creative connection. I had rebelled against the choice I was asked to make between piano and voice when I first applied to musical performance at university, so it continued as a unresolved hobby.

I was unhappy. I needed change. Instinctively, I knew that I needed to make room in life so that the "something else" could emerge. So I decided to courageously give my boss my two-week notice and see what would happen. During the process of that two weeks, colleagues repeatedly asked me where I was going. I would continue to say, I don't know. Until one day, my boss asked me that very same question, to which the answer automatically spilled from my lips: “I am going to India.” The words rolled off my tongue before I knew what I had said. As the words hung in the air in the pregnant pause that followed, I fully absorbed them. I knew it was right. I was going to India to pursue my love of the spiritual path.

When I had first arrived back in Montreal after university to work in the architecture firm, I had sought out a yoga school. At the Sivananda Yoga Center on St-Laurent, I became heavily involved with my yoga practice. Swami Sivananda was one of the greatest Yoga masters of the 20th century. He is the inspiration behind the Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Centres worldwide. I learned that his teachings are summarized in these six words: Serve, Love, Give, Purify, Meditate, Realize. At the Sivananda Center, I took mantra and meditation classes, advanced asana practices and went deeper into my own personal study. When I heard there was a teacher training program offered in India in a few months, I knew I was meant to be there.

Going to India was a true calling. I went with the deep desire to find my guru. I knew there was someone "out there" to guide my practice, a realized being who knew the pitfalls along the spiritual path. I saw the light in the photos of Swami Sivananda's eyes and knew I wanted that same light in a living teacher to look straight into my soul. I did not know what that relationship would look like, but I knew how it would feel.

I flew into Madras and had my 23rd birthday in Tamil Nadu, South India. A couple days later, I continued South to attended my first teacher training program at the Sivananda Ashram in Kerala. There I was introduced to a classical approach to Yoga. I adored the whole program and the experience of daily immersion in the practice and study of Yoga. The teacher training program lasted a month, but my time in India lasted a year.

SIVANANDA'S TEACHINGS

The Sivananda Centers teach a traditional, easy to learn method that aims to naturally achieve the goal of yoga by creating a healthy body/mind that supports spiritual evolution. The goal of yoga is understood as the union of the mind, body and spirit with the Divine.

The teachings of Swami Sivananda and his primary disciple Swami Vishnudevananda summarize the vast field of yogic philosophy into five main points:

1. Proper exercise (asana): through the correct practice of yoga poses, one develops a strong, healthy body.

2. Proper breathing (pranayama): the cultivation of deep, conscious breathing aids in stress reduction and wards off diseases.

3. Proper relaxation: by learning to let go, we help keep ourselves in balance, avoiding going into overload, worry and exhaustion.

4. Proper diet: simple, vegetarian foods that are easy to digest aid the body/mind to maintain healthy balance. Healthy eating also helps the environment and all beings.

5. Positive thinking (meditation and Vedanta): the true key to achieving piece of mind come through a devoted meditation practice and clear understanding of the processes of the mind and ego.

The Sivananda Centers also offer a beautiful, clear and accessible overview of the various yogic paths. The four paths of Yoga all lead to the same place, union with the Divine. They simply speak more to the varying human temperaments and approaches to life.

1. Karma Yoga, the Yoga of Action, teaches us to act without attachment to the fruits of our actions. We learn to let go of expectations, which are driven by our ego, and serve what is.

2. Bhakti Yoga, the Yoga of Devotion, inspires people through prayer, worship and chanting to see God unconditionally in all beings.

3. Raja Yoga, the Royal Path or the Science of the Mind, is for those who enjoy study, understanding and thinking. By cultivating mental strength, we learn to master the life force energy known as Prana. This path is fuelled by a strong meditation practice.

4. Jnana Yoga, the Yoga Of Knowledge, is considered the path for those with strong intellectual tendencies and insight. Using Vedanta, non-duality, as a vehicle, one inquires into the nature of the Self to realize the oneness with all that is.

SIVANANDA AND YEM

I am forever grateful for the experiences I have had through the Sivananda Centers. I was taught though my studies there about the bigness of Yoga, the breadth of it's history and the practical implications it has as a real-life, day-to-day practice, even in today's busy world. Yoga is immense and also so simple. It comes alive when we practice, when we go within and face ourselves, when we get on the mat and do our exercises and when we bring that expanded spaciousness out into the world and chose to live awakened lives.

One of my favourite sayings by Swami Sivananda is "An ounce of practice is worth a ton of theory". The saying helps us remember that enlightened action, living awake in the world is where our true practice exists. We can stay "knowledgeable" in our heads, but if it does not translate into loving and serving more fully, then it really does not mean much at all as a yogi. Yoga in this way is a practical life science. It helps us live all aspects of life more fully. Yoga is the art of living.

Because of the broad foundation I received from my Sivananda practice, study and training, I have been able to open to a big vision of Yoga and its many layers and meanings. I brought these riches into the practice of YEM and into my current show and musical compositions.

(Continued tomorrow with India: Meeting My Guru (The Door Blows Open))