Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 5: Taking Up Space

PART 5: TAKING UP SPACE: THE CO-CREATIVE FLOW

When I posted my blog Ask Parvati 23: The Voice - To Speak or Be Silent?, I
received a comment requesting more detailed information about the topic. The question was: "I am sometimes struggling with finding that right balance and express what is in my heart with authenticity and respect and not just blurting it out. Can you please say a little more about how to find that balance, if not in this blog, then perhaps in the next?" I feel, while we conclude the topic of stage fright, it is important to explore a little about how to find balance and flow when we take up more space. We live in a society with rules of conduct that help us to flow and not go bumping up against each other continually. But when the rules get out of hand and squelch the flow, then we need to take a step back and reassess the rules. Oppressive rules are a bit like having an overactive inner critique or judge inside our head.

It is easy to think that the pain and discomfort we feel is because of something that is happening "out there". Just like the thought, "it's happening to me", leads us into a place of victimhood and powerlessness, so too, the idea that others are the source of our pain will keep us from growing.

Playing it small is like an inner prison that once kept us feeling safe, but now keeps us trapped. We can free ourselves from this inner world of hiding when we learn to disarm our beliefs that the outside world is against us (happening "to" us). We tend to take things personally until we realize they are not about us. Our parents' bad day, when they yelled at us and had no time to hear our funny joke or new story, or see the drawing we made at school, becomes a reflection of us not being loved. But that is not true. Our parents, at that moment, were disconnected and did not feel love from themselves. So from an empty well of love, how could they share love with us?

But we do take things personally. The world then becomes an antagonistic place, where we unconsciously fear we will be judged for speaking up, or we will be taking up too much space or somehow upsetting the apple cart by giving voice to how we feel. But nothing could be further from the truth.

The universe moves towards greater expansion. We are called to be our fullest selves, the greatest expression of who we are and share our inner light with the world. In doing so, we need to overcome our "old stories", the limiting beliefs that we hold on to, out of fear that if we let them go, we will not be loved.

When we learn to take up our rightful space in the world, we find our power and life flows. When we keep ourselves small, hiding from life, from our selves, from our voice, our life becomes a mere shadow of who we are. In every given moment, there is an opportunity for balanced living. We get so hung up on trying to do things to please or dart from others, we lose ourselves.

Stage fright can be seen as a gift from our soul calling us back to wholeness. It is something that, in my opinion, should not generally be medically treated, but inwardly and psychologically explored. The proverbial skeletons in our closet are clamouring to come out to be shaken and dusted… and perhaps thrown into the trash bin. Time for spring cleaning of our psyche!

My suggestion is embrace the call to overcome stage fright, not by thinking of it as wrong or a problem, but a voice from your soul saying it needs more room to breathe. I believe that in each moment there is an opportunity for perfect balance. We can have the room we need, and give to others what is rightfully theirs. We can feel joyful, inspired, energized and relaxed. There is a flow that is an expression of our soul. It looks different for each one of us. Each one of us is the guardian of its care. Only we can bring it out of the shadow, love it, and give it the soul food it needs. Please consider stage fright as a call from your soul to shake off old thinking patterns and embrace taking up more space. Your soul needs it.

I will be posting again next Sunday on a new topic. Don't forget today is the last day to send in your questions to be answered next week. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com

Enjoy the rest of the week,
Parvati

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 3: To Risk Speaking Up

PART 3: TO RISK SPEAKING UP AND SAYING HOW YOU FEEL

Hiding, not speaking up and playing it small may feel like a safe option. But in most situations we face throughout the day, when we hide and silence ourselves, we lose touch with the voice of our soul and our true source of power. When we hide and remain mute when we are inwardly called to express, we are acting from a place that believes that the world does not want us. We are acting from a place that
believes that love does not exist. When we act from a place rooted in those beliefs, we strengthen them.

To overcome our deep core beliefs takes humility, determination, and a self-kindness so that we may look within, understand our inner patterning and make different choices. When we go within and embrace change, we are taking a risk. We are moving away from the familiar into the unknown and new. We must admit to ourselves that this is scary and treat ourselves with appropriate patience and tenderness.

When we go deeper into what holds us back from growth, we face the grips of fear. When we touch that fear with gentleness, and begin to accept it being there with love and attention, we notice that what we deeply fear, ultimately, is that we will not be loved just as we are. This quickly transforms from our unconscious thoughts into a physical experience when we are called to express ourselves in public. We fear,
deeply, that when we express what we want to express, we will not be loved. We can say, we fear that we will be judged, not accepted, and ridiculed. But all of these are part of the same fear of not being loved. When we are judged, we don't feel loved. When we are ridiculed, we don't feel loved. When we feel cast out, we don't feel loved. If we can remember that this deep fear of not being loved stems from our
past and has no bearing on the present moment, we begin to free up our voice and overcome stage fright.

Stage fright is normal. So cut yourself some slack when you feel it. Almost everyone would, when faced with putting themselves out there. It is true, that as a performer, I have had to look deeply into this, and overcome my own tendency to feel afraid. There is not one show I do that I don't feel nervous. I mean, let's think about it. I dress up in gold spandex, wear a crazy outfit, sing positive, electronic songs while dancing around on stage in an alternate universe… yes! I am afraid of being judged! But what I have come to find, is that my love for what I do, that my need to express who I am, is greater than the fear that would hold me back. I have also come to understand that the fear that causes stage fright, when I dial it down, also comes in part from a place that really values what I do. I do want to communicate effectively. I do want to be heard. I do want to reach out and touch others. I don't want to be randomly rhyming off gibberish on a soapbox on a street corner. I am here to communicate. So I value what I say and the fear keeps me alert to that. If I were to let that fear get the better of me, I would not perform and would lose contact with the voice of my soul. I would also not be a vehicle for the joy my shows bring to those who attend. So overcoming the fear is a win-win.

I believe we are all on this planet to shine and shine brightly. Remind yourself of this. Your light is your natural self. Sure, we cast a shadow. Being able to be humble and self-caring when we face our shadow helps us find a rooted strength. Being open to our light and humble faced with our shadow helps us to get out of our own way and enjoy the God-given talents and voice we each uniquely have. When we show up for life, life shows up for us. By playing it small, we give power to our small beliefs. By saying how we feel, and expressing ourself, we risk appearing a fool, we risk upsetting the status quo, but we find a freedom and honesty that transcends adversity. As I say in one of my songs "Love Is Real", "You find your wings when you risk the fall, and you see there never was a drop after all, 'cause love is real." Here is a quote that I really like that speaks of the value of risk:

To Laugh is to Risk Appearing the Fool

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
To reach out for another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self,
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure,
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to
risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave;
He has forfeited freedom,
Only a person who risks is free.

-- William Arthur Ward, "To Risk"

(Continued tomorrow with "The Inner Critique And Self-Love")

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 2: The Fear of Being Seen

Playing It Small And Hiding

We all had coping strategies when we were children. No matter how loving our parents were, they were not perfect. No one is perfect. Everyone on this planet casts a shadow and is also somehow growing and evolving. We may have hoped to find the perfect love from these imperfect beings. But how can we find absolute love from people who were also learning to love? In the process of growing up, we tended to make unconscious compromises to try to get the love we needed. Most of
us ended up with contractual relationships with family members as a means to find some stability amidst the whirl of issues, synergies, conflicts and personalities that make up every family life.

Ideally, our caregivers were open to receive us like the budding, young flowers we were. Yet, they too likely felt thwarted and unloved in their own way, perhaps feeling stressed to pay rent, alone to put food on the table, isolated in an dysfunctional marriage, or unhappy without the space they needed to deal with their own unresolved childhood issues amidst the work of childrearing. Whatever the situation was, often family life can be less than ideal for finding the unconditional love we hope to find. So we develop coping strategies.

Most children tend to be perceptive and creative. When we were young, we may have observed that by not speaking up, we added less stress to mom and dad's busy lives. We may have figured out that by not saying what we needed, we kept the peace, perhaps even avoiding being yelled at. So we concluded that to give voice to our needs created some discord, or in extreme cases, attack. In our early years, giving voice could have felt like a risky thing. So we learned to bury what we felt deep inside in the silence of our inner world and plow forward towards growing up.

As children, we discovered that hiding was a way to keep ourselves feeling safe and protected amidst a turbulent world. Our parents were our source of food and shelter. Our very survival was keyed into making that relationship work. Our coping strategies worked for a while. Perhaps in the world of our imagination, we could safely play in our room, or escape watching TV or run free playing at school or with our friends. But when we grew up to be independent adults, the silence we once hid behind started to become deafening.

We must move through the playing it small and hiding if we wish to fulfill our dreams and find the love we wish to find. Though, as adults, we have long since left our parents' home, we may still live with and react to them in our unconscious mind. In some sense, we carry them with us and see them wherever we go, until we face our deeper childhood fears and speak up and risk not being loved for who we are.

We bring our unconscious childhood fears into the boardroom or out on stage when we step up to the plate to share our work. We in essence do not see our colleagues in front of us as we start to present our work, but our childhood environment, be it sisters, brothers, or caregivers who we wanted to love us the way we needed. We do not see our boss evaluating our performance, but our mom or dad. We needed our parents' approval as children to survive, so we equate that need to survive with our performance today.

The thoughts and beliefs that exist in our unconscious drive our lives. So in effect, that compromised child is really the one who wears the business suit as we go off to our jobs, or who sits in the chair across from our spouse as we try to make sense of an argument, or who stands on the stage as we get up to perform. We will continue to allow this child to drive our lives until we make friends with her, let her know she can be who she is, that we will take care of her as she needs. As adults, we need to learn to embrace and befriend our whole self, care for and accept who we are so we may feel safe, relaxed and loved in this world.

(Continues tomorrow with "To Risk Speaking Up and Saying How You Feel")

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 1: What Is Stage Fright?

Letting Go Of Fear And "Playing It Small"

Dear Parvati,

I had to give a presentation at work last week and I almost threw up because I felt so anxious. I always start to shake when I have to do any kind of speaking or performing in front of a group. When I was a kid, I took piano lessons. I was pretty good, but when it came time to perform at a recital I would just freeze sitting there at the piano, my mind a blank, my hands cold and clammy. Eventually I'd remember the music, but my hands shook so much I could barely play. One time I just ran off the stage in tears because I'd gotten stuck on the same mistake over and over. (The teacher got really mad at me that time.) This extreme "stage fright" is starting to affect my ability to move forward in my career and I really wish I could change this about myself. As a performer, have you ever gotten stage fright? What did you do about it?

PART 1: WHAT IS STAGE FRIGHT?

Thank you for this question. I get it. The medical term for stage fright is "glossophobia", derived from the Greek words "glossa" (tongue) and "phobos" (fear or dread). Stage fright happens when we feel anxious about speaking or performing in public settings. This fear is one of the most common fears, right up there with the fear of dying.

When we anticipate a situation that we perceive to be threatening, we feel anxious. Physiologically, our body then reacts in a flight/flight response. The adrenal glands release the hormone adrenaline (epinephrine) into our bloodstream, resulting in an increased heart rate, higher blood pressure and irregular breathing. This surge of hormones can then lead to perspiration, uncontrollable shaking, shivers, flushing of the face, dry mouth, nausea and diarrhea, short-term memory loss, the weakening of the voice (resulting in stammering or stuttering), and in the extreme case disorientation or hyperventilation.

Our fear, that is, our emotional reaction to a perceived threat, is behind these physiological symptoms of stage fright. If we did not perceive the situation to be threatening and did not feel afraid, we would not have this surge of hormones, which comes from our primate days when we lived in a dangerous jungle. The fear and adrenaline surge protected our lives. 

Although the work environment and life in general can be compared to a jungle, it is unlikely that most situations in our day-to-day life are truly life-threatening. But our stage fright tells us something different. In our worrying, anxious mind, we fear that if we perform badly, we will get fired; and if that happens we would not have the funds to support ourselves and perhaps our family; and if that happens we may end up on the street; and if that happens, we may die. Any of these are possibilities, but are they likely? When we think rationally, they seem perhaps far-fetched. There are a lot of "ifs" there. But something in the back of our brain kicks in, and our irrational fears say all of those events are probable. Why is that so?

If we think about it, we go about our day every day with many risks. We could trip at any time and come to our demise. Anything could happen. So then why do these deep fears arise as stage fright in front of a crowd? This perceived threat is specifically the fear of looking foolish in front of others and the fear of public humiliation. Clammy hands, dry mouth, shaking knees, racing thoughts, nausea and diarrhea are signs that we are reacting to a situation, anticipating something bad to happen. But that fear may not be grounded in truth.

I like a popular acronym for fear, which you may have heard before: FEAR - False Expectations Appearing Real. I find remembering that to be helpful as I go out into a crowd. When we have stage fright, we anticipate something bad happening in this specific situation. So what makes performing in public different than other fears? Unlike the possible fear of potentially falling down a flight of stairs, the fear of speaking or performing in public asks us to put our own expression out in plain sight. Our ability to perform a task is visible for all to see, and potentially judge. For most people, what we do has value to us, so we hope it will be well received.

In this way, there is nothing really "wrong" with feeling anxious before we put ourselves out there. It is natural. A few years ago, I had an inspiring conversation with internationally respected modern dancer Margie Gillis about stage fright and how she deals with it. She said to me that she suffered from debilitating stage fright for years until she went deeper to understand it. She realized that the fear was a sign of how deeply she valued what she was doing. Once we was able to accept her fear as a sign of how much she cared, it became less menacing. It was no longer an obstacle to her performance. She was then able to effectively channel the deep care she has for her art form into her performance with greater ease and fluidity. Performance coach Roger Clown once said something similar to me about stage fright: "If you don't feel nervous before you go on stage, you are in the wrong profession." Stage fright can be a sign that we care about what we do.

If we choose to truly understand the reasons for stage fright, we need to go deeper, look at our core beliefs and expectations. We need to develop our self-esteem, find self-confidence and ultimately, rest in self-love. This week, I will take a more in-depth look at the psychological reasons behind stage fright and how understanding them can unlock our true brilliance so that our fear is not debilitating, but liberating.

(Continued tomorrow with The Fear Of Being Seen: Playing It Small And Hiding)