A Light Goes Home: Thank You, Debbie Ford

Years ago, I was beginning to notice a pattern in my life: I was attracting people who often left me feeling depleted. I knew it was a pattern, but I did not know what the pattern was trying to teach me about myself.

During my quest to find insights into this pattern, I went to a local bookstore where I came across Debbie Ford’s book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I instantly bought it, went home, tucked myself in and started to read. What followed was an opening of an inner window that had long been forgotten. Debbie’s kindness and care leapt off the pages and gave me the courage to enter into a new realm of self-understanding.

As a child I was taught, perhaps like many, to break up my world into “good” and “bad”. I wanted the world to only see my “good”, and learned to shove, like we tend to do, those things I judged as “bad” somewhere into the recesses of my being. Yet from the power they gained stored away in the dark, those severed places continued to wreak havoc in my life. The disowned parts of me needed attention and integration in order for me to learn to become whole. It was not until I began, with self-love and humility, to welcome these forgotten places into my heart, that I began to truly grow.

Following my first encounter with Debbie Ford, I have found comfort and guidance in her subsequent offerings. Always honest, wise and compassionate in the way that can only come from someone who is walking their talk, Debbie has been a partner to many of my personal inner adventures. If you have been reading along on my blog, you may remember that I referred to Debbie Ford's book "The Right Questions" in a 2012 blog entry about fulfilling your heart's desires.

I grew even more fond of Debbie Ford when I noticed in "The Right Questions" that she thanks my guru, Amma, and speaks of her as "an amazing teacher and a living example of service".

As one who is devoted to consciousness through art, I also appreciated knowing that Debbie’s work has spread to support others with a powerful, international voice, such as Alanis Morissette, who openly refers to their friendship and whose name comes up in Debbie’s books.

On February 17, 2013, Debbie Ford passed away due to cancer. She will be greatly missed by the thousands of people she has touched and inspired to live their best life with her groundbreaking work on the human shadow. I will miss her wisdom and compassionate offerings. Yet I take comfort in the legacy that she leaves behind, work that in essence is never really done, because we are constantly growing, until our inner light, like hers, returns home to rest in lasting peace.

In addition to her body of work, she leaves behind The Collective Heart Foundation in partnership with the Just Like My Child Foundation, offering important programs to help women and children.
If you feel so moved, there is a beautiful page to post your personal memories and stories about Debbie at RememberingDebbieFord.com. 



And if you have never yet had the joy of meeting Debbie, here is a great video introducing you to her, from her website:

With love and gratitude to you, Debbie.
May your light shine on.

Lokah samastha sukhino bhavantu.

Jai Ma,
Parvati 

Ask Parvati 42: Healing Shame - Part 2: Bringing the Wounded Bits to the Light

(Continued from "Toxic Shame")

The misperception that we are fundamentally flawed, which feeds our sense of shame, does need healing, but not because we are wrong, bad, ugly, awful or damaged. The misperception needs healing simply because it is untrue. It is an illusion perpetuated by our wounded self-perception. It exists because we give it power. We fear that it's the truth, so we hide it away.

As we reveal our broken bits from the darker recesses of our psyche, we eventually see that we are all beings of light that cast shadows, on an evolutionary journey back to the One place of undivided consciousness of pure love. In every moment, no matter what shame binds our perception temporarily, we are loved and supported beyond what we can habitually and consciously see.

If you feel you suffer from debilitating shame, other than reading John Bradshaw’s book, I would recommend professional help from a skilled therapist who can help create a safe place in which you can allow your feelings of low self-worth to emerge, without judgment. Because shame exists in the severed places in our self that we fear, the process of revealing them in a safe environment is powerfully healing, just in itself. We need to be seen, just as we are. When we bring our wounded bits to the light and we see we will not die, we will not be punished, we will not be annihilated but are loved and accepted, we feel more alive and whole than ever before.

If you suffer from an addiction of any kind, the twelve-step programs are very powerful and transformative. If you have not yet given a meeting a try, then please look up your local AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) or NA (Narcotics Anonymous) or SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) or OA (Overeaters Anonymous) or WA (Workaholics Anonymous) – depending on your particular tendency - and show up for a meeting. When you go, you likely will feel that you don’t belong and will want to turn around and leave. This is natural. Many other people at the meetings likely feel the same way. But this is also part of the denial that keeps you acting out and feeding the shame that binds you. That inner voice that whispers “I don’t belong here” or “this is not me” is spoken from that severed places in your psyche that keeps you feeling disempowered, broken and doing things you really don’t want to do. Children of addicts often too develop either borderline or addictive tendencies and would benefit from groups like Al-Anon, where meetings are specifically designed for friends and families of addicts. I discuss addiction more in Ask Parvati 27.

Healing your inner child is an essential component in healing toxic shame. You can read about how to do that in a variety of blogs I have written, such as my recent post on the power of the inner child. Once you open to your inner child, you will be more inclined to follow your bliss, and create the life you truly love.

Most of all be gentle with yourself in this deep and powerful healing process. The pain that caused you to bury the shame deep in the recesses of your psyche was real for you. There is an essential grieving component to healing shame and healing your inner child. This takes time and patience. As most addict support groups would say, “easy does it” and “take it one day at a time”.

Thank you for this week’s question. Please send me your questions by Thursday this week so it may be answered in this Sunday’s post. Until then, be very well.

Ask Parvati 42: Healing Shame - Part 1: Toxic Shame

Dear Parvati,
My life looks good on the surface - I'm intelligent, good looking, have a decent job, a good relationship - but I feel like a loser. I can't seem to stop doing things I'm not proud of, like spending evenings playing World of Warcraft instead of working on my writing (I want to publish a novel), or letting the vegetables rot in the fridge while I eat chips for supper or order pizza... meanwhile I'm paying $100/month for a gym membership and not using it. I think most people who know me are really fooled and they think I have it so much more together than I really do. I'm afraid that if they found out the reality, they'd all get disgusted and drift away from me. My significant other has brought up the idea of living together, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if she sees how I really live. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in shame for not being a better person. How do I fix this?

Thank you for your question. Hiding is hard to do at any time, especially on an ongoing basis. Hiding our true self from our self and the world is extra hard, even painful. You may think you are the only one who does things you want to hide from others and your self. But in truth, many people struggle with similar feelings of personal shame and self-disgust. Because hiding supports shame, it's important to remember that the more down on yourself you feel, the more you feed the shame, that is usually fueled by feelings of low self-esteem or a wounded sense of self-worth.

Shame is quite common. It is a fundamental motivator behind our pain-driven behaviours, such as compulsions, co-dependency, addictions and the drive to over- or under-achieve. These compulsions can break down families and friendships and destroy our personal lives. To some extent or another, most people suffer from some degree of shame, hidden in the recesses of their psyches. That is what shame does. It hides in the dark where we cannot see it. Yet out of our conscious sight, it wreaks havoc on our lives. Shame undermines the expression of our authentic self and our ability to live our true potential.

John Bradshaw, author of “Healing the Shame That Binds You”, reminds us that there two kinds of shame: toxic shame binds us into toxic behaviors; healthy shame helps us feel balanced remorse for things we do, think and say that do not support our highest good or the good of all. The shame I address here is toxic. It is the kind that thwarts our brilliance, joy and fulfillment in some capacity or another.

If you feel you suffer from toxic shame, you may consider reading John Bradshaw’s very helpful book on the topic. Written 17 years ago but still selling more than 13,000 copies a year, the book is considered a classic authority on the subject. It has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address the root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past. I would recommend it for pretty much anyone who is on a personal, healing journey and wishes to live a life of balanced wholeness.

The roots for toxic shame can be traced to our youngest years, when our true self was judged not good enough by our primary caregivers. We were made to feel that there was a fundamental lack in our being, that we are fundamentally flawed at our core. Because of this, shame exists because of our fundamental misperception that we are flawed. So thoughts of “fixing” shame, as the question suggests here, only exacerbates the notion that we are broken.

Shame is not to be fixed, but gently revealed. The energy caught in our hidden, severed and disowned places needs to be slowly brought back from the dark and moved into the light. As we learn to witness our hidden, shameful bits with self-love, kindness and understanding, we integrate them into who we are. In that place of whole self-acceptance, the grip we have around them organically releases and our sense of internal split is healed.

 

Continues tomorrow with "Bringing The Wounded Bits To The Light".

PS - the latest Parvati Magazine is live. This month's issue is on love, including self-love. Please go and check it out.

 

 

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 5: Taking Up Space

PART 5: TAKING UP SPACE: THE CO-CREATIVE FLOW

When I posted my blog Ask Parvati 23: The Voice - To Speak or Be Silent?, I
received a comment requesting more detailed information about the topic. The question was: "I am sometimes struggling with finding that right balance and express what is in my heart with authenticity and respect and not just blurting it out. Can you please say a little more about how to find that balance, if not in this blog, then perhaps in the next?" I feel, while we conclude the topic of stage fright, it is important to explore a little about how to find balance and flow when we take up more space. We live in a society with rules of conduct that help us to flow and not go bumping up against each other continually. But when the rules get out of hand and squelch the flow, then we need to take a step back and reassess the rules. Oppressive rules are a bit like having an overactive inner critique or judge inside our head.

It is easy to think that the pain and discomfort we feel is because of something that is happening "out there". Just like the thought, "it's happening to me", leads us into a place of victimhood and powerlessness, so too, the idea that others are the source of our pain will keep us from growing.

Playing it small is like an inner prison that once kept us feeling safe, but now keeps us trapped. We can free ourselves from this inner world of hiding when we learn to disarm our beliefs that the outside world is against us (happening "to" us). We tend to take things personally until we realize they are not about us. Our parents' bad day, when they yelled at us and had no time to hear our funny joke or new story, or see the drawing we made at school, becomes a reflection of us not being loved. But that is not true. Our parents, at that moment, were disconnected and did not feel love from themselves. So from an empty well of love, how could they share love with us?

But we do take things personally. The world then becomes an antagonistic place, where we unconsciously fear we will be judged for speaking up, or we will be taking up too much space or somehow upsetting the apple cart by giving voice to how we feel. But nothing could be further from the truth.

The universe moves towards greater expansion. We are called to be our fullest selves, the greatest expression of who we are and share our inner light with the world. In doing so, we need to overcome our "old stories", the limiting beliefs that we hold on to, out of fear that if we let them go, we will not be loved.

When we learn to take up our rightful space in the world, we find our power and life flows. When we keep ourselves small, hiding from life, from our selves, from our voice, our life becomes a mere shadow of who we are. In every given moment, there is an opportunity for balanced living. We get so hung up on trying to do things to please or dart from others, we lose ourselves.

Stage fright can be seen as a gift from our soul calling us back to wholeness. It is something that, in my opinion, should not generally be medically treated, but inwardly and psychologically explored. The proverbial skeletons in our closet are clamouring to come out to be shaken and dusted… and perhaps thrown into the trash bin. Time for spring cleaning of our psyche!

My suggestion is embrace the call to overcome stage fright, not by thinking of it as wrong or a problem, but a voice from your soul saying it needs more room to breathe. I believe that in each moment there is an opportunity for perfect balance. We can have the room we need, and give to others what is rightfully theirs. We can feel joyful, inspired, energized and relaxed. There is a flow that is an expression of our soul. It looks different for each one of us. Each one of us is the guardian of its care. Only we can bring it out of the shadow, love it, and give it the soul food it needs. Please consider stage fright as a call from your soul to shake off old thinking patterns and embrace taking up more space. Your soul needs it.

I will be posting again next Sunday on a new topic. Don't forget today is the last day to send in your questions to be answered next week. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com

Enjoy the rest of the week,
Parvati

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 3: To Risk Speaking Up

PART 3: TO RISK SPEAKING UP AND SAYING HOW YOU FEEL

Hiding, not speaking up and playing it small may feel like a safe option. But in most situations we face throughout the day, when we hide and silence ourselves, we lose touch with the voice of our soul and our true source of power. When we hide and remain mute when we are inwardly called to express, we are acting from a place that believes that the world does not want us. We are acting from a place that
believes that love does not exist. When we act from a place rooted in those beliefs, we strengthen them.

To overcome our deep core beliefs takes humility, determination, and a self-kindness so that we may look within, understand our inner patterning and make different choices. When we go within and embrace change, we are taking a risk. We are moving away from the familiar into the unknown and new. We must admit to ourselves that this is scary and treat ourselves with appropriate patience and tenderness.

When we go deeper into what holds us back from growth, we face the grips of fear. When we touch that fear with gentleness, and begin to accept it being there with love and attention, we notice that what we deeply fear, ultimately, is that we will not be loved just as we are. This quickly transforms from our unconscious thoughts into a physical experience when we are called to express ourselves in public. We fear,
deeply, that when we express what we want to express, we will not be loved. We can say, we fear that we will be judged, not accepted, and ridiculed. But all of these are part of the same fear of not being loved. When we are judged, we don't feel loved. When we are ridiculed, we don't feel loved. When we feel cast out, we don't feel loved. If we can remember that this deep fear of not being loved stems from our
past and has no bearing on the present moment, we begin to free up our voice and overcome stage fright.

Stage fright is normal. So cut yourself some slack when you feel it. Almost everyone would, when faced with putting themselves out there. It is true, that as a performer, I have had to look deeply into this, and overcome my own tendency to feel afraid. There is not one show I do that I don't feel nervous. I mean, let's think about it. I dress up in gold spandex, wear a crazy outfit, sing positive, electronic songs while dancing around on stage in an alternate universe… yes! I am afraid of being judged! But what I have come to find, is that my love for what I do, that my need to express who I am, is greater than the fear that would hold me back. I have also come to understand that the fear that causes stage fright, when I dial it down, also comes in part from a place that really values what I do. I do want to communicate effectively. I do want to be heard. I do want to reach out and touch others. I don't want to be randomly rhyming off gibberish on a soapbox on a street corner. I am here to communicate. So I value what I say and the fear keeps me alert to that. If I were to let that fear get the better of me, I would not perform and would lose contact with the voice of my soul. I would also not be a vehicle for the joy my shows bring to those who attend. So overcoming the fear is a win-win.

I believe we are all on this planet to shine and shine brightly. Remind yourself of this. Your light is your natural self. Sure, we cast a shadow. Being able to be humble and self-caring when we face our shadow helps us find a rooted strength. Being open to our light and humble faced with our shadow helps us to get out of our own way and enjoy the God-given talents and voice we each uniquely have. When we show up for life, life shows up for us. By playing it small, we give power to our small beliefs. By saying how we feel, and expressing ourself, we risk appearing a fool, we risk upsetting the status quo, but we find a freedom and honesty that transcends adversity. As I say in one of my songs "Love Is Real", "You find your wings when you risk the fall, and you see there never was a drop after all, 'cause love is real." Here is a quote that I really like that speaks of the value of risk:

To Laugh is to Risk Appearing the Fool

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental,
To reach out for another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self,
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure,
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to
risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,

But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave;
He has forfeited freedom,
Only a person who risks is free.

-- William Arthur Ward, "To Risk"

(Continued tomorrow with "The Inner Critique And Self-Love")

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 2: The Fear of Being Seen

Playing It Small And Hiding

We all had coping strategies when we were children. No matter how loving our parents were, they were not perfect. No one is perfect. Everyone on this planet casts a shadow and is also somehow growing and evolving. We may have hoped to find the perfect love from these imperfect beings. But how can we find absolute love from people who were also learning to love? In the process of growing up, we tended to make unconscious compromises to try to get the love we needed. Most of
us ended up with contractual relationships with family members as a means to find some stability amidst the whirl of issues, synergies, conflicts and personalities that make up every family life.

Ideally, our caregivers were open to receive us like the budding, young flowers we were. Yet, they too likely felt thwarted and unloved in their own way, perhaps feeling stressed to pay rent, alone to put food on the table, isolated in an dysfunctional marriage, or unhappy without the space they needed to deal with their own unresolved childhood issues amidst the work of childrearing. Whatever the situation was, often family life can be less than ideal for finding the unconditional love we hope to find. So we develop coping strategies.

Most children tend to be perceptive and creative. When we were young, we may have observed that by not speaking up, we added less stress to mom and dad's busy lives. We may have figured out that by not saying what we needed, we kept the peace, perhaps even avoiding being yelled at. So we concluded that to give voice to our needs created some discord, or in extreme cases, attack. In our early years, giving voice could have felt like a risky thing. So we learned to bury what we felt deep inside in the silence of our inner world and plow forward towards growing up.

As children, we discovered that hiding was a way to keep ourselves feeling safe and protected amidst a turbulent world. Our parents were our source of food and shelter. Our very survival was keyed into making that relationship work. Our coping strategies worked for a while. Perhaps in the world of our imagination, we could safely play in our room, or escape watching TV or run free playing at school or with our friends. But when we grew up to be independent adults, the silence we once hid behind started to become deafening.

We must move through the playing it small and hiding if we wish to fulfill our dreams and find the love we wish to find. Though, as adults, we have long since left our parents' home, we may still live with and react to them in our unconscious mind. In some sense, we carry them with us and see them wherever we go, until we face our deeper childhood fears and speak up and risk not being loved for who we are.

We bring our unconscious childhood fears into the boardroom or out on stage when we step up to the plate to share our work. We in essence do not see our colleagues in front of us as we start to present our work, but our childhood environment, be it sisters, brothers, or caregivers who we wanted to love us the way we needed. We do not see our boss evaluating our performance, but our mom or dad. We needed our parents' approval as children to survive, so we equate that need to survive with our performance today.

The thoughts and beliefs that exist in our unconscious drive our lives. So in effect, that compromised child is really the one who wears the business suit as we go off to our jobs, or who sits in the chair across from our spouse as we try to make sense of an argument, or who stands on the stage as we get up to perform. We will continue to allow this child to drive our lives until we make friends with her, let her know she can be who she is, that we will take care of her as she needs. As adults, we need to learn to embrace and befriend our whole self, care for and accept who we are so we may feel safe, relaxed and loved in this world.

(Continues tomorrow with "To Risk Speaking Up and Saying How You Feel")