Production Mode, Book Excerpt: On Seeing Our Vasanas

Dear friends,
I am in full on production mode as we get ready to go live with my new website. I look forward to sharing it with you! It will feature fresh content and a new community portal.

In the meantime, here is another excerpt from my book Confessions of a Former Yoga Junkie. This is the opening of the chapter entitled The Dirty Work.

Image courtesy of Erwin Plug

Amma speaks of how, when we sweep a floor, we may think it is clean, but then upon washing it, we find more dirt. We go through a similar process in purifying our minds. We may feel that we have “gotten somewhere” and no longer have a certain tendency, only to discover that it still exists within us in a subtler form. We may even feel that our negative tendencies have increased after we have been doing spiritual practice for a while. As we cultivate inner light, our vasanas will arise to be witnessed, understood and released.

We do not need to be discouraged when we discover that there is yet more to be done in the process of purification. Our attachments will naturally be brought to our attention in subtler and subtler ways as we continue along the path.

To avoid becoming a yoga junkie, we must be willing to accept that we are imperfect beings in an evolutionary process. We don’t have it all figured out. Byron Katie has the wonderful remark, “Don’t pretend yourself beyond your evolution.” When we try to hide the dirt of our tendencies from our self and others, we only create suffering and greater complication.

This section and the three following are an invitation to begin to wade into the muddy areas of our psyches, roll up our sleeves and start the “dirty work” of unearthing our tendencies, understanding them for what they are. Once we see them clearly, we can practice witnessing them as they arise on a moment-to-moment basis, so we may ultimately release them.

Until we become fully enlightened, we all tend to resist the moment in some way. Throughout the day, our minds are busily working out creative ways to keep the illusion of separateness alive, so that we may feel temporarily important, in control and powerful. Our ego loves to build and sustain the mirage of divisiveness to keep itself alive. But the fullness, perfection and beauty of life is unfolding all the while beyond our self-sustained delusions.

There are four primary ways we resist the moment: defending, holding onto, justifying or relishing in “mine”. Some of these we do passively, other aggressively, while others through stasis. Each will yield the same result: temporarily supporting the illusion of being separate from this moment and from our true divine nature.

Anger is easily seen as an active defense of “mine”. When we get angry, we mark our territory and defend what we feel is ours with vigour.

We passively hold onto “mine” in various ways. When we resent, for example, we hold onto the idea that life is “happening to me”. We feel victimized and powerless by a situation or a person. Resentment passively incubates the feeling of “mine” more deeply into our psyche.

Similarly, when we feel jealous, we hold onto the self-perception of “mine”, because it feels threatened and unfulfilled. We are convinced that someone else has what we feel we lack.

In shame, we are attached to our shadowy self, as though it were our identity. We passively hold onto the shadow, which we feel we deserve, eclipsing the truth that we are divine light.

When we are depressed, we feel helpless beneath the weight of our identity. We hold onto it, listlessly afraid of letting it go, because we are attached to it being who we are.

Both justifying “mine” and relishing in “mine” are driven by the same static energy, that is, by the desire to keep things unmoving. When we judge, we justify “mine”. We maintain a divisive perception by either putting our self above or below another.

We relish in “mine” when we are proud. Through pride, we attempt to maintain a lavish, over-inflated self-perception, which we feel we need to boast about to uphold. This keeps us ultimately feeling alone in our ivory tower.

Whether we are defending, holding onto, justifying or relishing in “mine”, each is a way we keep unhappiness alive in our lives. These tendencies, when left unchecked, can even develop into addictions, in which we find it very difficult to renounce certain behaviours – or even realize they are a problem - because we have a deeply ingrained sense of our self as flawed, dirty, incomplete, incapable or bad, and in need of something external to take away the pain of it all. It is only through the willingness to to bring these tendencies to the light that we free the energy stuck there within. In so doing, we find the fulfillment we have been wanting all along.

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The second edition of Confessions of a Former Yoga Junkie will be available soon. To add your name to the pre-orders list, click here. 

Wishing you peace and joy on your journey,

Parvati

Sacred Sexuality: Beyond Wanting - Part 2: Body Language

(Continued from Sex and Spirituality)

 

Whether we are heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, a polygamist, a monogamist, or celibate, our physical body is part of a vast, multidimensional whole. What we do, think, feel, taste, smell and touch is never limited in isolation to our immediate sense of self, but has ripple effects throughout the entire universe.

 

When we communicate, we take in and impart information. For most, this is thought of as a verbal exchange. But for those who are sensitive to otherness, we understand that there is no such thing as purely verbal information. In addition to what we speak, we are also sharing our emotional presence, all the contents of our body language, the subtle innuendos, and our vibrational intentions.

 

When we share with someone, we are in contact not just with the physical being that we see, but with all that person’s past thoughts, experiences and actions, as well as all energies with which they have been in contact. We are in touch with the totality of their soul's evolutionary journey. Even when we are physically alone, we are never truly alone. Whatever we think, feel or do, we are continually in communication with an immense universe that comes home to us through our physical body.

 

The body is literally a channel for unseen forces. We know we need to take care to communicate appropriately when we share our ideas and our heart, whether silently to ourselves, thoughtfully through prayer or orally to others. We know we must be attentive to our audience and communicate appropriately so that we may be understood and so we may fully feel connected.

 

The same is true with sex. It is a form of communication, communication with self, and/or with other(s). Sexuality in the positive possibilities is about receptivity and trust, because in order to fully meet the divine, that is, the pure consciousness that runs through our being, and share in its presence that runs through everything, we must lay down our ego, rest in humility and let go of wanting. This takes spiritual maturity.

 

If we were deeply honest with ourselves and looked courageously into the recesses of our psyche, we would find that for most, sex is an expression of seeking external fulfillment, getting or giving to get, which are forms of our ego attempting to gain approval, feel safe and find control. Sex for most is a form of trying to find connections while feeling disconnected. Even when we feel we love someone, we need to be careful we are not still seeking their approval, playing out childhood patterns and being inauthentic in the moment. In this way, the sober truth is that for most, sex is more of an expression of the impossibilities, because it often comes from a place of scarcity, wanting and lack, rather than genuine and pure love.

 

Just like anything in the universe, when we approach life from a perspective of lack, we will continue to feel unfulfilled no matter how many fast cars we buy, how many shiny shoes are in our closets, how big our house is, or how many multiple orgasms we have. Unless we embody the courage to face our inner emptiness and switch internal dials so that we may let go of our inner wounds that tell us we are unloved and unlovable, we will not find the fullness we ultimately seek. Similar to the rules of abundance that tells us that riches cannot be made from feeling not enough, we cannot meet the eternal and divine through sexuality if we are in a disconnected state of wanting. Love comes when we love ourselves.

 

Sex transmits information. It is a form of communication - communing with self, others and otherness. It brings us beyond our limited sense of self and opens us to something else, be it the divine, or more wanting. (As a transmitter, sex also gives us STDs, which sadly have affected many, many people all around the world.)

 

When we look at sex from a spiritual perspective, we also understand that sex transmits information from the unseen to the seen. When we are spiritually centered, we realize that sexuality opens a multidimensional portal and has the capacity to transmit beauty, peace, joy, as well as unseen STDs, that is, interference patterns that take root in our physical form.

 

When I was living in Montreal and ran a yoga studio there, I went away one weekend on a meditation retreat by myself for personal recharge. When I came back, I was greeted by my then boyfriend and a swirling array of women I could see in his energy field... three to be exact. As soon as I saw him, I exclaimed, "Who are these women?” I knew he had been unfaithful to our monogamous relationship while I was away. I could see their energy imprint in his energy field. I knew that if we were to be intimate again, I would be interacting with him, his unseen field, as well as all those with whom he had been in contact. For me, the spiritual path is complicated enough, full of promise and pitfalls. Engaging in such complicated and unclear energy systems was not for me, so we parted ways.

 

That partner and I practiced at that time what most people popularly understood to be Tantra. It is from experiences like that relationship and others that I came to develop a deeper understanding of Tantra and know intimately the power of sexuality to touch the divine or to add complication to our lives. Sex can support our evolution if the energy is handled with absolute awareness and true understanding of wanting and desire. For most, sex either keeps us in cycles of wanting providing temporary highs, like white sugar rushes that do not ultimately feed our soul and body/being, or (when sexual desire is misunderstood as love, rather than seen as tricky wanting) it adds layers of complications to our path, and brings into our body/being energies from which we will eventually, in this life or the next, need to release.

 

(Continues tomorrow with Wanting Fulfillment or Open to Divine Love)

Ask Parvati 41: The Power of the Inner Child - Part 3: Let The Child Take You Home

(Continued from "An Apple in an Orange Grove")

 

Recently I was out with a friend in a mall. She was asking me a similar question, feeling a bit stuck with her attachments to her family. I said to her, look around. Beside us is not a 24 year old guy and a 35 year old woman but a two year old boy and a three year old girl. This mall is full of two and three year olds. Many of the fundamental decisions we make every day likely come from our unconscious mind, that is, the unresolved inner child that continues to rule our life until we give it the love and attention it needs and turn towards the Divine, the source of unconditional love. Anyone who has tried setting long term goals knows this to be true. We need to have our unconscious mind in alignment with our conscious mind, or else we inevitably meet an inner saboteur and fail. That is because our unconscious mind is ultimately in charge. Our primary commitments live in the depth of our unconscious, so we had best befriend these in order to evolve.

 

Most of us live with a buried inner child, held captive by the grip of our ego that is committed to getting limited power through whatever means it can, such as people pleasing, power plays, expectations and disappointments, lofty then thwarted dreams -- anything to keep the wanting mommy and daddy dynamic alive, that is, the wanting to find the infinite in the finite.

 

Our inner child is the summation of the joys, dreams and wounds we carried from our previous lives and our life in this incarnation. He/she is connected to the voice of our soul. Because in truth we are children of the infinite, our inner child remembers the purity of that connection. When we listen to our inner child, he/she can lead us there.

 

We can easily blame our parents, our circumstance, our life out there that is "happening to me" for our hurts and unhappiness. Then, we are like sour apples in an orange grove. Or we can hold our parents or external things in the highest light, making them like gods, thinking that those oranges are so much better than our apple-self, our authentic nature. Only when we see our parents and all external sources of happiness as they truly are, in their temporal humanity, beautiful and frail, perfect and flawed, can we be the apples we are and leave the orange grove, so we may blossom in our own apple orchard.

 

We need to leave the illusion of the finite being infinite in order for us to contact our true self. This process is the process of coming into contact and healing our inner child. Through the eye of our inner child, we can reconnect to the infinite, which we once knew implicitly. Our inner child, in essence, guides us home to wholeness.

 

What we experience in our lives is a reflection of our core beliefs and our previous karmic tendencies. Our parents and our current life, that was created by the choices we have made since infancy, are a reflection of these, all the while guided by a loving universe to help us see the errors in our ways, the root of ignorance we carry as well as the love we truly are.

 

The wounds we experience from childhood are like ruptures in the mirage of finite perfection, so that we can break through our slumber and attachments to ignorant wanting, that keeps us disconnected. This happens so we may return to the one source of true unconditional love. In this way, love always was, even through the painful moments, even when we thought it was not. Love always is. Just ask your inner child. Those sparkling, deep, infinite eyes are still with you. Look deeply. Look deeper still. There you will find your inner child with open arms, ready to take you home. If you need some help contacting your inner child, you may refer to the exercise given in my Be A Mother To Yourself post.

 

Much peace to you,

Parvati

 

PS. A reminder that Thursday is the deadline to send your questions for the next Ask Parvati. In the meantime, stay tuned for the next issue of Parvati Magazine.

Ask Parvati 41: The Power of the Inner Child - Part 1: Trading the Infinite for the Finite

Dear Parvati,

Is it important to get in touch with your inner child in order to live, as you would say, a "rooted, vital and expansive" life?

 

PART 1: TRADING THE INFINITE FOR THE FINITE

 

Thank you for this question. My immediate answer is, yes. The following explains why.

 

I believe that we are born like a hunk of flesh with pure consciousness. At birth and soon thereafter, most of us are still consciously connected to the infinite source of love and consciousness from which we came. Hence the raw purity we can easily see in a newborn. It is as though we can see the infinite in the depth of an infant's eyes. If you look deeply into them, they seem almost formless, dark and vast, like deep space.

 

As we mature, our personality forms, and so do our features, including eye colour and facial expressions. In this process, our egos take shape, through which our individuality is born. Our personalities are a reflection of two concurrent forces: our own previous karmic tendencies (the soul information with which we were born), and the way these tendencies bump up against our life experiences.

 

Our mother is the first person with whom we come into contact. As such, our relationship with our mother is at the root of our life experience and our relationship to our inner child. Most of us also come into contact soon after birth with our father, and he too helps create the foundation of our life. Our mother forms the nurturing presence to support our maturation, while our father supports the structure to help us grow and get out in the world. Though this is usually the case, a man or someone who is a primary caregiver other than our biological mother can take the role of a mother in our life, just as a woman or primary caregiver can take the role of our father. It is not about gender but about energetic presence.

 

As we mature, our personalities form in response to our environment. How they form is a reflection of our karmic tendencies, that is, the way we perceive and choose to respond to our environment, based on the wisdom and skill we have acquired from previous incarnations. Because we are imperfect beings, still evolving, we do not respond to life with the wisdom and compassion of an awakened Buddha. Rather than remaining in touch with the vast field of pure consciousness, the true source of unconditional love, we become attached to our primary caregivers and our environment as the source of all our needs, including our need for love. This bond with our primary caregivers is necessary, even essential for our survival. We need our mother and/or father's care, attention and love in order to get through our early years until we can care for our basic needs. But in the process of survival, we traded our relationship with the infinite for the illusion of fulfilment in the finite. Our relationship with the infinite weakens as we grow. We forget the source from which we came, until our soul stirs and our true nature held within our inner child cries and we begin to awaken to who we truly are.

 

(Continues tomorrow with An Apple in an Orange Grove)

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 2: What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?

(Continued from "What motivates your choices?")

 

If we are to create the life we want, we must look within and understand our early childhood tendencies that stay with us until we learn different behaviour. When we explore how we felt as children, we tend to see patterns present in how we related to our mother and father. Our relationship with our mothers generally shape our patterns towards our inner world, the world of love, nurturing, self-care and sustenance. Our relationship with our father usually sets the stage for our relationship with our career and outer, social life.

 

When we take a look at what went on in our childhood, how we felt in relationship to each of our parents, we can see the early seeds for what drives our unconscious choices that created our current life. For example, we may have felt abandoned by our mother, so we tend to recreate, unconsciously, situations in which we do not feel supported or nurtured. Maybe we felt aggressed by our father, so we tend to attract work or society situations that are dissonant with who we are or even abusive. Or maybe we just feel unwelcome in our work environment and become an overachiever or workaholic. Every person again will be entirely unique.

 

If you feel you want to look at aspects of your early childhood, I found personal therapy very useful. Finding a skilled therapist is like finding a torch to help illuminate our path. They do not do the work for us. We do our own work. But when we go into our inner basement, it is useful to walk with someone who has done their own inner work and can help shed light on our findings so we may integrate and heal.

 

I also found a couple books in particular helped me touch places in my psyche's basement that I hardly knew existed. One is Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child. She suggests that many children tend to develop aspects of their personality in reaction to their environment, and as such, lose aspects of their true selves. Because we want to please mommy or daddy, we do something that is not in alignment with our highest self and develop tendencies that eventually sabotage our deepest joys. The book suggests steps to move towards understanding, grieving and healing.

 

I also feel a lot of respect and love for Wayne Muller's Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood. Muller suggests a gentle and mindful approach to uncovering our hidden scars, from which, we may find spiritual strength. This book is more spiritually driven, unlike Alice Miller's more psychological approach.

 

In order for us to make decisions that will inspire lasting change, we must understand the unconscious tendencies that affect our choices and bring them to the light. So ask yourself, What are my unconscious tendencies that may be blocking my joy? Do I easily feel like a victim? Do I feel unworthy? Do I feel thwarted by life so that I feel the need to fight back? Do I give up? What drives your choices?

 

Looking at our early tendencies will reveal our inner saboteur, the aspect of our shadow that stands in the way of our fullest joy. Tomorrow, we will look at this inner saboteur and will provide a powerful exercise I use every day to help realize your dreams.

 

(Continued tomorrow with "Facing your inner saboteur")

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 1: What Motivates Your Choices?

Happy New Year!  May you experience the fulfilment of your deepest joys and true, heart's desires. For many, meeting our heart's desires may seem like trying to realize a fairy tale illusion, or trying to touch a mirage that always feels out of reach. Yet we often come to New Year's with hope that this year we will finally get the love we want, get that perfect job, make millions or experience glowing health. Whatever it is that you seek to bring fulfilment to your life, may you find it now and live it always. But how do you do that?

 

About nine years ago, I came across a hot-off-the-press book that greatly helped me get my life on track. It helped me stop trying to fulfill other people's dreams and helped me find the courage and get-up-and-go to start fulfilling my own. It is New York Times best selling author Debbie Ford's book The Right Questions. If you have not read it, I recommend you do. It is short, to the point and very useful.

 

In it, Debbie reminds us that where we are today is not the result of a single decision, but the result of repeated choices we have made over time, usually at an unconscious level. When we consider this, we may conclude that this could be a reason why many New Year's resolutions don't succeed. Perhaps, despite our best resolve, we find it hard to live the life we want because we have not been asking "the right questions" to help us understand the thoughts and choices that brought us to where we are today.

 

If we are to understand what drives our choices, we must look within. We must understand our fears, shame and doubts that thwart our ability to fulfill our dreams. Everyone will have different interference patterns that block their joy. We usually can see these patterns taking shape in our early childhood in relation to our primary caregivers. I do not believe it is wise to blame our parents for our current life. But exploring how we interacted with them will shine light on our unconscious tendencies that created our life today.

 

We all come to this planet with a predisposition towards certain tendencies. These tendencies will unconsciously drive all our choices until we wake up to the story of our life. When we explore our early relationships, we can see our tendencies. Any child would react differently in any given situation because we are all unique. Where one child would have fought back, another would have run to hide, and another would have not noticed any issue at all. How did you react to your early environment?

 

(Continued tomorrow with "What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?")