Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 6: We Attract What We Know

PART 6: WE ATTRACT WHAT WE KNOW

(Continued from Helping Versus Enabling)

I believe that we attract people into our lives who reflect aspects of ourselves. Until we have taken a look at our childhood, our relationship with our parents, and how we felt growing up, we will either unconsciously attract a “mommy” or a “daddy” into our lives, from whom we still hope to get the love we feel we lack.

If you are attracted to a life-partner with an addiction tendency, it does not necessarily mean you too are an addict. But it may mean that one or both of your parents were and you are still trying to heal the childhood pain you likely felt. Perhaps your coping mechanism as a child was to be a fixer or a good kid, as a means to avoid the inevitable ups and downs of your addict parent. Perhaps you do the same with your partner. You tiptoe around his or her addiction and sidestep your own self, because fundamentally, you feel unsafe. Whatever the story may be, the relationship is a mirror for you to see yourself more clearly.

I believe that we all benefit from counseling and psychotherapy. I believe we are here, on this planet, to grow, to evolve, to become whole. The partners we choose are a powerful mirror into who we are. In relationship, we can see with greater clarity our compulsions, our tendencies, our fears and our desires. We can hide more easily from our shadow when we are on our own. In relationship, after the honeymoon phase is over, the proverbial shit hits the fan. We see our stuff. We are either willing to work it, or we leave and find likely another situation in which we will be faced with the same stuff until we heal.

I don’t necessarily believe there is the “right” partner out there. More important is the right attitude within. Of course, we need to be with kind people who are willing to grow and evolve. We must not stay in abusive situations that jeopardize our safety. We need to look with greater depth at ourselves and what we attract into our lives as a reflection of who we are.

I don’t necessarily believe we attract partners who are a literal mirror to ourselves, however. I once heard a woman say to me that she was supporting a partner who was going through issues related to being sexually abused as a child, and she felt this meant she had to uncover issues with her own sexuality. I don’t believe it is so cut and dried. Only ourselves, our relationship to the divine and our soul know exactly what we are learning in any given situation.

As is the case when we are in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction, we are likely learning more about boundaries, self-care, and letting go, if we are not dealing with the same addiction issues. So be gentle with yourself. Stay true to your word. Treat yourself and others with integrity, honesty, steadiness and respect. Make sure your actions meet your word. Be around those who have the same commitments. Above all, know that you are love. You are loved.

EXERCISE:
1) In which way do you respect your needs and honour your boundaries?

2) Are you true to your word?

3) Are your actions and words in alignment?

4) In which way can you be kinder, more loving to yourself?

5) Are you getting the help you need?

My next post will be this Sunday. Thank you for your submissions this week. If you would like to be considered for the following week’s blog topic, please send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Much peace to you,

Parvati

 

Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 5: Helping Versus Enabling

PART 5: HELPING VERSUS ENABLING

(Continued from Getting Help)

For those who love a person who struggles with addiction, it is so very painful to see. Ultimately, we too need to admit that we are powerless over the addiction. We want to help. We see those we love in pain. We want to take that pain away. But we cannot make changes for anyone but ourselves. It is often hard enough to make changes for ourselves. We are powerless to make the changes for those we love.

Often addicts find themselves close to people that enable. Enablers are harder to see sometimes than addicts, because enablers seem kind and helpful. They are ever wiling to help, cover up, make excuses, clean up the mess, tippy-toe around addicts. There is a powerful yet very subtle ego force at play with enablers. They are doing “good deeds”, so they are “good” people, “helping” those “poor souls” with the problem. But they have a problem too.

Unfortunately, too often these good intentions end up feeding addiction and not in any way helping. Because addiction is based on consumption and wanting, it is insatiably hungry. It needs attention. It needs to ingest, to buy, to take, to feed. It feeds on attention as well. When we tippy-toe around it, the addiction energy feels powerfully important. When we cry for it, yell at it, rage at it, pray for it, plead with it, fight it, we are in fact feeding the addiction.

Tough love, clear boundaries and a no-nonsense attitude are the only way to be around anyone with addiction. Whether you are around someone with an addiction or whether you are questioning whether you yourself are an addict, a powerful tool is to ensure that your actions and your words are in alignment. Those with addictions are used to spin doctoring, twisting the truth, or outright lying to try to get their way, to try to satiate their feeling of wanting, to get the hit their disease needs.

This does not mean we need to be cold or cruel. Tough love means being rooted, clear and strong. And in fact, these are also qualities that you can find in compassionate action. When we are sentimentally involved, we become entangled. When we are compassionate, we are a clear witness to what is: present, open, available, but rooted in self-love. We must stay rooted in who we are and what we want from our lives, because we can easily get sucked into the vortex of addiction. Addiction has a gravitational pull. If we are too close and not grounded, soon we will get sucked into the drama too.

We must stand at a safe distance from someone with an addiction, be present for ourselves, available to support him or her, and get on with our own life. Ultimately, we can change ourselves. We cannot change anyone else. Too often our lives get put on hold while we focus on trying to fix the one with the problem, not realizing that in fact, we too have a problem.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Sobriety begins with taking a step towards self love, self worth, valuing yourself enough to let go of things that drag you down. People who are not addicts have the brain chemistry to know the difference between habits that are not useful and habits that are. Addicts have a harder time with that and must learn this discernment. The brain is plastic and can change. New habits are possible. Health, sobriety and a life that works are possible for everyone, even for an addict. As for everyone, we must be willing to admit we have a problem, look at our shadow and embrace the fullness of who we are.

EXERCISE
1) Are there addicts in your life that you are enabling?

2) In which way have you allowed someone’s addiction to rule your life?

3) What do you need to do to take the self-loving steps to focus on your own life?

4) If you find it hard to separate yourself from an addict, perhaps because you feel guilty, then you need professional help. You likely need to go to Al-Anon and/or work with a professional therapist that specializes in addiction.

REMINDER: Don’t forget that today submissions are due for this week’s Ask Parvati blog. Send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com

(Continued tomorrow with We Attract What We Know)

Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 4: Getting Help

PART 4: GETTING HELP

(Continued from Hitting Bottom)

In the case of people who have not yet hit bottom, such as Amy Winehouse, it is very hard to help them at all. An example of resistance to admitting you have a problem are her famous lyrics, “They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no’”. Sadly, she did not hit her personal bottom before she died.

This is tragically the case with many addicts. The disease that is about consumption, insatiable wanting, consumes its host. It does not have to be that way. Step one in an addiction recovery program is to admit that you are powerless over your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable. It takes humility to get to step one, because the addict must come to see that the choices her or she is making are in fact not working. No one wants to admit that their life is a mess. Whether you are an addict or not, you need to admit things are not working as they are if you are going to make changes.

For some, bottom can be very ugly. It can involve losing absolutely everything, loved ones, friends, family, possessions, career, and reputation. For some, it involves even losing your life. But if you come close to the edge and wake up to see that you do not want to go any further, you are lucky. You have hit your bottom. For some, that bottom is a near-death experience. For others, it is the reality of losing what they love.

Only when the addict has hit their personal bottom, which is different for everyone, will that person be willing to get the professional help they need for a serious, potentially life-threatening illness. Addicts need professional help.

Deep wounds, fear, rage and shame are at the root of addiction. These shadow emotions when unmet become the feeding ground for addiction. There needs to be a willingness to embrace the darker side of ourselves so that our shadow does not run wild in addiction. Everyone has painful emotions. Everyone can experience fear, rage and shame. The addict must find the courage and humility to open to these painful parts within their shadow so that those places no longer fuel their addict behavior. Looking into these painful places usually requires the support of professionals who are used to supporting addiction recovery.

If you are an addict, the 12 step programs are very powerful and effective. I have seen many, many people benefit from them. But they only work if you are willing to go and do the work to heal and change. There is a saying in the program, “It works if you work it. So work it! You’re worth it!”

You may feel tremendous resistance to going to getting help and to going to your first meeting. That is normal. But just like with any growth edge, we must face our fear and walk through it. If you know someone in the program, call him or her up and ask if you can go together. If you have a friend who would be willing to go, ask him or her to join you. Or simply go. This would be the best thing you would have done for yourself so far.

When there, you may have thoughts like, “I don’t belong here. This is not me. Look at all these losers!” Tell yourself that this is your addict speaking. There is a part of you that has fed on your shadow for likely years. It wants to still feed. But your sober self knows better. You want to make different choices. You want to empower a different part of you now.

You must find the inner strength to no longer feed that part of your psyche. You know that allowing your addict to rule your life does not work. You can hear the voice that doubts and ridicules your healthy choices, but you must give it no energy. Keep going, move towards sobriety and health. There will be ups and downs. But this will be the most important journey you have ever made in your life. At the 12 step programs, you will meet some of the most inspiring people you will ever meet. Those people are a reflection of you.

If you are the child of an addict, I would suggest you to go to an Al-Anon meeting or a support group to help you find the freedom from the pain you likely experienced growing up. You need the support just as much as the addict does. Being around an addict, especially as a child, we tend to internalize the pain they feel and take it on. This also needs professional support. Get the help you need.

EXERCISE

1) Ask yourself, do you need to do any therapy? Could you use more emotional support to help you transition through different aspects of your life?

2) Do you need to go to Al-Anon? If you are a child of an addict, the answer is, yes!

3) Do you need to go to a 12-step meeting? If your life has become unmanageable due to addiction, the answer is, yes!

REMINDER:Don’t forget that tomorrow (Thursday) is the last day for submissions for this week’s Ask Parvati blog. Send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com

(Continued tomorrow with Helping Versus Enabling)