Beating Myself Black And Blue

From Self-Betrayal To Self-Love: Steadiness and Gratitude On The Path 
Part 1: Beating Myself Black And Blue

A couple of weeks ago, I watched myself react dramatically when I felt I had made a mistake. It was not a big thing, but I made it into one. The situation triggered me. I became so angry with myself and felt like a failure. I dove into the deep end of beating myself up, talking to myself with such aggressive criticism that inwardly, I was turning myself black and blue.

I reached out to my partner for help. But he did not stand a chance to get through to me, faced with my attachment to auto-destruct. So then I reacted and blamed him for not giving me what I wanted. Ultimately, I was hell-bent on feeling that everything in this moment, including me, was not good enough. I was so attached to feeling this way that I even cleverly used my partner’s response to me to fuel how I was feeling. So I felt worse. Now I was not only feeling not good enough; I also felt alone.

Then I remembered something my spiritual teacher Amma teaches. The words rang in my being as though a meditation bell had been struck within my soul:

“Progress is being made when you maintain evenness of mind in the face of praise and shame, honour and dishonour.”

The message was crystal clear. I, who aspire to live a conscious life, was in no even state of mind! A cold bucket of water had just been splashed over my hot head. Immediately I asked myself what turn in the road I had taken that had led me to this painful place. I sat myself down, took a quiet moment, and went within to find out.

What came to mind were some of the people I had met over the years who had lashed out at me or others in their own suffering. Interestingly, my overt reactivity reminded me of them. I have seen people be so hard on themselves, then explode and blame others for their misery. And here I was, not really being all that different. I was being so hard on myself, then imploding and hurting myself.

It reminded me that I had recently read a tweet by a modern spiritual author that said something like, the universe will sweep away all your character defects. I replied to the tweet (though I never heard back), to the effect that sometimes the universe exacerbates our negative tendencies so we can see them and choose to let them go. This was clearly what was happening through the consequences of my self-judging mood. I was being given an opportunity to look at my shadow more closely.

Next week, I would like to share a revelation that has come to me through this experience. Please join me here again next Sunday.

 

Ask Parvati 33: When Are We Being Too Rational?

Dear Parvati,

I'm still having a really hard time thinking outside of the box and thinking about possible experiences. I am not happy in my current work situation but fear taking risks. I know the kind of person I am. I need to feel financially stable before I make a move. I won't throw all my money to the wind and say, "let's travel the world". But I want to travel and take courses but I need to feel like I have an interest in the travel and there is a reason why I'm there (besides just the experience). Am I being too rational about all this? Do I just need to take a plunge? That scares me to no end. Please advise.

ALONG THE SPIRITUAL PATH, WHEN ARE WE BEING TOO RATIONAL?

Being rational is an impediment to the spiritual path when it squelches joy and stops us from expanding and evolving. Joy is expansive. Joy amplifies evolution, as evolution in its very nature is in alignment with the fundamental vibration of the universe, which is love. Joy is one of the things we bring when we pass from this Earth. When our body disintegrates and all matter that we thought was who we were is no longer, our spirit soars and our soul moves on to its next evolutionary phase. What is rooted in the soul are the experiences that have led us to expand. The soul is enriched by how well we have loved, how fully we have lived.

We do not take the contents of our bank account. I love the image of Alexander the Great who realized this at his deathbed and ordered a casket built for him where his hands were left open and visible. That way, during the funeral processional through the village, everyone could see that he did not bring with him any material riches. But experiences, love, laughter, travel, adventure, sharing, caring, openness, joy....  we take all those things with us. Perhaps you have noticed that with painful times, once they have passed, we often look back at them and laugh at what craziness that was. Hindsight is 20/20.

Being rational is important when we need to make practical decisions, like whether we by that new piece of clothing or pay our bills. This is very useful. Yet it sounds to me like the word "rational" may be a way you justify living in fear. Fear comes in many forms. Here it may be the fear of not getting "it right", measuring our life by an external yardstick that acts like a judge that squelches our impulses, joy and soul voice.

When we look more deeply at the "gotta get it right" voice that so many of us have in varying degrees, we can ask, get it "right" according to what? "Right" for whom? Usually this stems back to figures of authority from our childhood, teachers, parents, priests, people whose approval we wanted at the expense of our soul voice. These are the voices that keep up bound to the past and keep us living small and unhappy. We must challenge these voices to live fully.

To me, getting life right is to live it! Yes, of course, if you are 5'6" and wanted to be 6'5", no matter how much you wanted it, it is good to be rational and see that it will not be so. Or if you were to strap wings to your back and jump off a cliff, it would be good to have done all the research to see if those wings will work.

Taking courses and traveling are experiences that add value and riches to our life. They may not pay the bills right away, but they add riches to our life at a soul level which helps us live with greater joy and fulfilment. This may also contribute to bill paying down the road. Experiences help us grow, live, find out who we are. They are the things that make us expand. Hanging back and not trying things out is living in fear. It is not being rational. I have never regretted any course I  have taken. I studied architecture at university. Look at my life now. I have no regrets. Those studies made my life much richer. I feel I use those skills every day in the most creative ways. It is in part those skills that make me a good music producer and producer of shows. It is partly those skills that support me being a good healer, seeing things multidimensionally. Experience makes us richer. In that richness we see opportunities we would not otherwise see.

As an independent artist, I get the money thing. Each day I seek a balance between the rational and the intuitive. My bank account is not yet brimming full. There are months I squeak by. But I am ok with this for now, because I know I am building things that mean the world to me, that add value to my life and to the world. Pursing my music, singing, writing, producing, serving others, bring me infinite amounts of joy that a Prada purse could never in a million years. Or even a regular haircut. I let some of those "normal" priorities go because I have other priorities that to me are way more valuable.

Money does come when we follow our joy. The universe is governed by love, not fear. If you believe in God, God is love! God loves us. God wants us to be happy, fulfilled, full of joy. Or if you don't like the word God - then use the word pure consciousness or the universe or life itself. There is an intelligence that runs through everything. That intelligence is pure compassion. We are loved and supported beyond what we can imagine.

I cannot tell you if a course or traveling is right for you or not. You need to decide that. Just make sure that you do not block yourself with a limited vision of what you can offer life and what life can offer you. There is infinite possibility. What makes life fun is you can choose what you like and life will support you. We are part of a huge infrastructure of loving intelligence that is saying "Go for it! You can do it!" -- what ever it is that brings you joy.

Hope that helps in some way. Keep opening and exploring! Life is so very rich. There is a true abundance of love everywhere always.

Big hug,

Parvati

 

PS: My next blog entry will be next Sunday with a new Ask Parvati question. Please send me your questions (ask@parvatidevi.com) by Thursday, October 27 to have them included in the draw. In the meantime, if you haven't yet checked out the latest issue of Parvati Magazine, please do so!

PPS: My show "Natamba" at the St. Pete Yoga Festival went great!