Finding Compassion For Those Who Hate

When you put yourself out there, share your heart and voice with the world, there will inevitably be those who love you, those who hate you and those who just don’t care. Being on the spiritual path, I find this to be an excellent teacher and a perfect ego grinder, because whatever people think of me, it does not matter. Of course, my ego says, I would love everyone to like me. But I have no control over what people think and do, or how people judge. I can only do my best, love as best I can and humbly continue to open to each moment and learn the lessons each one brings. In the end, what matters most is my relationship with the divine, which affects how I treat others and myself. What is essential, lasting and true is that I practice seeing the divine in all, even in those who may not like me.

It is hard to understand the motivation of hate, but in essence, we all have the capacity for it. No one is immune to its seduction. When I am lucidly honest with myself, I can openly say that I have felt it rise in me and take me over. I have felt its burn singe my heart. I have fallen into the indulging thrill and delusional self-importance that it conveniently provides. I have felt pumped up, important and proud through it. And I have also felt immensely alone and in pain because of it.

It is hard when we fall out with someone we once called a friend. It is extra hard to see someone close turn into someone who expresses hatred toward us. Hopefully, we do our best to understand each other, talk about the misunderstandings, heal, make amends and return to love. But without both parties being willing to return to a place of humility, little healing can take place. Walls are built, misunderstandings grow and pain festers. Whether friends or strangers, people who do not like us are still our valuable teachers. They teach us what Amma asks us to embody: “Progress is being made when you can retain evenness of mind in the face of praise and shame, honor and dishonor.”

I recall an encounter that reminds me of this. As I watched spiteful venom come my way from people I had considered friends, I had to take pause and witness the propulsion of pain. I noticed that I did not feel hatred towards them. After I worked through my initial shock and hurt at meeting this kind of dark energy, I found myself watching others hold onto their pain as they seemed to wish it upon others. I noticed that ultimately, it seemed they just wanted to feel loved, but were going about it in an upside-down manner. They were indirectly asking for love through hate, which simultaneously was pushing love away.

In that moment, I understood their suffering. By holding onto and identifying with their pain, the people they were hurting most was themselves. Amma says, “When you harm anyone, you harm everyone, especially your own self.” It was clear they were just in pain, and no amount of painful thoughts from me projected their way was going to help them, or me. I did not want to add more pain to the fabulous job they were already doing to themselves.

Amma advises, “Communication begins when you fully understand the other person's point of view.” What was the other people’s point of view? They were hurting and felt I was the source of that hurt. No apology was helping, no reaching out was received, no healing was of interest. They seemed attached to feeling “right”, hard done by, and wanted to hold onto their sense of hurt. With one party unwilling, there could be no discussion. So their pain continued. But I did not need to hold on. So I walked away and still wish them well. Amma says, “If you cannot speak with love and respect, wait until you can.” In the case of haters, the best option is silence.

The exchange was ultimately a gift, another piece along my path. Whether I am at the top of the electronic charts (where I now have been for many weeks, thank you for your generous support!) or whether people love or hate me, I cannot rest my happiness on other’s opinions. My job is to love, understand and serve each moment as best I can with a sense of receptivity to what it brings.

The deeper gift in that exchange for me is found in Amma’s wise words: “If someone is doing something that you find really offensive, check to see whether you are doing something similar to someone else or to yourself.” People who direct ill will our way can be divine mirrors to ways we may be relating to others or ourselves. In my case, I was reminded of how hard I am on myself, which I have been in the midst of seeing more clearly these past months. I don’t always speak to myself with kindness. I don’t always treat myself with love. I don’t always offer myself compassionate understanding. I can allow my self-confidence to be undermined by an old habit of self-doubt. Through that exchange, further contents of my psyche were stirred for me to see and ultimately release. So thank you, even to those who hate me, because you bring me back to the divine and teach me to love.

This day opens with a clear intention to continue to practice feeling ok being me, regardless of what others think. Because ultimately, I will only love others as well as I love myself. Amma says, “Don't just apologize for hurting someone; make the firm resolve that you will never again do that painful act to anyone.” So my sincere prayer is to continue to learn to care for, befriend, honour, love and be gentle with myself. May I have a rich relationship with the divine and may this inform a loving relationship with self and all beings.

When my grandmother was on her deathbed, I asked her what was the meaning of life. She said to me so wisely: “It is all about being yourself. It is so simple, most people miss it.” I can miss it, get caught up in thinking I “should” be/do/think/act in some other way than what feels most relaxed and myself. My true nature is love. So I learn to relax more deeply into trusting that divine truth. I go continue to allow it to flower within me and simply be, no second-guessing. Trust the arising.

The divine love that Amma shows us is within us all. It is our true nature. The rest is just temporary clouds passing through the pure and vast sky. Sometimes the clouds are dark thunderclouds, like when we meet the energy of hatred. But that has no real lasting power. Pain is perpetuated when we hold on and won’t come back to the reality that our true nature is love. I cannot make someone who is attached to pain treat me with love and respect. But I can love and respect myself and learn to treat everyone that way, without condition. That will bring me the joy and lasting happiness I seek and create the best offering I can bring to the world.

May we all know our divine nature and love!

Jai Ma,

Parvati

From Resentment to Forgiveness - Part 3: Painful Experiences As An Opportunity

We have been exploring the topic of resentment and how we can begin to heal deeply held emotions. Last week we touched upon the idea that we tend to project onto others what we want to see in them, rather than see actually what is. When we feel hurt by another person’s actions, in some way we have not seen them clearly, and have lost sight of our connection to the divine.

 

The great news is, another person’s actions are their choice. Our response to their actions is our own choice. Through my meditation practice, I saw how I lost myself in taking another person’s choices personally and in wanting them to be other than they are. There is tremendous power in these realizations. In seeing them, we reclaim the energy we have lost in being attached to incorrect perceptions of reality.

 

Rather than seeing painful happenings as a punishment that could build resentment, what my quiet meditation sit showed me was that a hurtful experience was an opportunity to recalibrate around deeper truths, greater clarity and fuller wisdom. It was the universe’s love showing me to be bigger, to let go of wanting, to let go of hoping someone would be the way I wanted them to be and that they would be my source of unconditional love. The universe was giving me an opportunity to develop a deeper sense of self-love, self-respect and self-care. 

 

What I saw was that this experience was ultimately an opportunity for me to connect to a deeper source of love than one that comes through someone else’s flawed and temporal personality. Everyone is flawed. Relying on another human, rather than the divine, to be the source of love is like relying on a weathervane to guide me. It will constantly change direction. 

 

But if I rely on a deeper source of love and tap into the divine in every moment, then all that which changes over time, the temporal, becomes fuel for my personal growth. The temporal is the way the eternal is teaching me how to return to the One. Through daily experiences, I can move from the personal to the transpersonal, from the conditional to the unconditional. 

 

I look forward to sharing more here next week with the final entry on this topic, “Part 4: Awakening Unconditional Love and Forgiveness”.

 

Until then, keep having fun and seeing life as an opportunity, even the uncomfortable stuff. This life is a gift!

 

Parvati 

It Is Up To Me: Cultivating Self-Love

From Self-Betrayal To Self-Love: Steadiness and Gratitude On The Path

Part 3: It Is Up To Me

Over the last few weeks, I have been sharing here what I learned when I recently found that I was being unkind to myself. My last post was during the first period of Lent, as Christians prepare for Easter. Today I post this blog entry as we enter into the week of Passover, a Jewish festival that celebrates the miraculous release from slavery.

To some extent, we all have parts of ourselves that feel enslaved, whether we are conscious of them or not. It is also a tendency for most of us to want others to free us from these painful places.

But as I was reminded in my recent experience, when I saw that I was turning myself black and blue, it is not for anyone else to “save” me, take away my pain or fix my perceived broken bits. I need to face my inner demons just as you do, just as the next person does – on my own, in my own time, in my own way.

It is a kind of miracle to realize that we have the ability to free ourselves in this way. By turning on our inner light, we invite grace, transformation and spiritual expansion into our lives.

Just as I don’t like to be judged for the pace of my own growth, I cannot judge the way another chooses to evolve. My shadow, after all, is exactly that: my own. It hurts me when my shadow’s energy squeaks through my body, as it would for anyone. Perhaps the shadow is backlogged emotions, or painful thoughts that are trying to move through my system. But they are moving through my system, no one else’s. So it is totally up to me to cultivate an unconditional self-love relationship at a pace and in a way that is true to myself.

More than ever, I see how this process begins by accepting where I am, right now. It does not come from wishing my life were different, or struggling against what is. By embracing this moment as it is, we inspire growth.

Maybe I don’t like what is. That is ok. All of it is a reflection of my choices and my karma. So to not like what is, is actually to not like myself. To not like myself is to cause harm to someone: myself. To turn negatively towards myself is like turning negatively towards anything in nature or the divine. The real pain lies there.

It would be easy to see this kind of pain if I were to act out against a flower. I would be able to see the petals wilt under the onslaught of my recriminations. Yet, I do this to myself! So I need to stop it, because it hurts me.

It does not matter how I ended up with the shadow stuff. I could spend a lot of time trying to figure it all out, finding it’s source, wanting to pin point blame, all of which would defer me making, in this moment, the sober choice to let painful thoughts go.

What matters most is to fully understand that my shadow is a conglomerate of my belief systems that works against the force of life, which is love. Feeding the shadow, and beating myself up through it, is like putting the brakes on feeling the love I ultimately desire.

Each one of us is a receptacle for universal love. Some receptacles are full of cracks, maybe even holes, so the love comes, goes and does not stay in. Others’ receptacles are strong vessels for the divine. These people can bathe in a mutually loving relationship, warmed by the loving rays of the sun, nurtured by the rain. Through them, I can see a wholeness, a humility and a state of gratitude for all that is. No resistance. Just love.

So this is my prayer for myself from now on:

May I stand rooted in this moment and feel at peace.
May I be in non-resistance to what is.
May I feel a divine, loving embrace in this moment, and feel supported and nurtured.
May I open to receive love and let go of that which does not serve love.
May I know that I am love, that I am loved.

So please, my friends, go to a mirror and say a few loving words to yourself. Or try my new personal prayer out for yourself. Treat yourself with the love you deserve and see how love begins to grow up in and around you. Begin a new life today, a life that is rooted in self-love. Why? For the very simply reason that you are absolutely worth it.

Transforming Pain into Love

From Self-Betrayal To Self-Love: Steadiness and Gratitude On The Path 

Part 2: Transforming Pain into Love

Today is Maha Sivaratri, an annual Hindu celebration in praise of Lord Siva who out of compassion drank poison and in so doing, saved the world. “Om Namah Sivaya!” to all those who honour this festival.

Every year this celebration happens during Lent, when Christians turn their hearts and prayers towards Easter. Though my spiritual teacher was born in the Hindu tradition, I grew up in a Christian home. I went to Sunday school every weekend, said grace at meals and was guided by parents who openly discussed their faith. My father had a daily morning contemplative practice and my grandmother was the first to introduce me to meditation and practiced for over 50 years. 

After a year living in India, having left my career as an architect to deepen my understanding of yoga and meditation, though circumstance I ended up working part time as a lay assistant minister (non-ordained) for the church where I was baptized in Montreal. I have felt a close relationship with this spiritual path and have felt very grateful for the guidance I received as a child to be open to spiritual “otherness”, no matter what spiritual path we may choose.

Yet, the whole Judas betraying Jesus thing never really made sense to me. In the Christian story, Jesus was betrayed the night before he was crucified, by one of his closest followers, Judas. So here is this wise master who can perform all sorts of miracles, who so happens to have in his closest entourage a guy that ends up betraying him. How could that be? And what is the supposed Grace in such a betrayal?

Last week, I shared how I watched myself turn myself “black and blue” though hurtful self-talk and by holding onto painful feelings. That incident guided me to contemplate self-love more deeply and has helped me understand more fully how we create our reality. 

What has transpired for me, since then, is a feeling of gratitude for the “toxic” people who have come and gone through my life over the years. And no, contrary to many popular “manifesting” manifestos, I am not planning on attracting more people like that into my life by feeling grateful for them. On the contrary, I feel that through gratitude and self-forgiveness, I am letting them go so that they no longer need to come back into my life and mirror back aspects of myself I do not see.

It is like the famous saying: “There but by the Grace of God go I.” We are far more similar than we realize, and all so inter-connected. What I see as painful in another person is potentially something I could do to myself, or maybe even something I am doing to myself or to another. By being witness to another person’s painful energy, I am given a gift: I can see my own shadows more clearly so I can accept them and let them go.

When I recently recorded this “aha” moment in my diary, I wrote the word “toxic” to describe the people that have hurt me in the past. I could feel a part of me want to judge them for being “bad” and “wrong”. But as my pen touched the page, the opposite flowered in my heart. I felt closer to them than I ever had. 

Then it came to me: I had a deeper understanding of Judas. His betrayal of Jesus was actually a part of how Jesus fulfilled his life’s work. Through Judas, Jesus transcended into eternal life. Because Judas “told on” Jesus, Jesus was crucified. And because Jesus was crucified, Jesus showed his followers that he was not limited to the body but was beyond. Similarly, on Maha Sivaratri, Siva drank poison and shows us that we are not limited by day and night, that is, time, but that our true nature is beyond all things and is eternal.

What crystallized in my cells in that moment is something that has floated around my thoughts before: there is NO-thing (nothing) that is not part of the greater whole. In other words, everything that happens has a purpose and is part of a greater whole. So how could I but feel gratitude? This whole is me. I am the whole. That other person is also the whole. We are the whole together.

Painful acts by others, and those that I have acted upon myself and others, have brought me face to face with my own shadow, so that I could forgive myself, let resentments go, and transcend into the fullness of love. 

By no means does this justify painful acts. But it reminds us that flowers grow out of manure and compost. The lotus, a symbol in the East for enlightenment, blooms in murky waters. I do not believe that pain is a pre-requisite for growth. After all, there are exquisite things that grow hydroponically! But if we meet painful things with openness and humility, they could become fuel for the most powerful expansion experiences we may ever have.

I look forward to sharing more about this “aha” moment next week when I take a look at cultivating self-love.

Until then, be well,

Parvati 

Beating Myself Black And Blue

From Self-Betrayal To Self-Love: Steadiness and Gratitude On The Path 
Part 1: Beating Myself Black And Blue

A couple of weeks ago, I watched myself react dramatically when I felt I had made a mistake. It was not a big thing, but I made it into one. The situation triggered me. I became so angry with myself and felt like a failure. I dove into the deep end of beating myself up, talking to myself with such aggressive criticism that inwardly, I was turning myself black and blue.

I reached out to my partner for help. But he did not stand a chance to get through to me, faced with my attachment to auto-destruct. So then I reacted and blamed him for not giving me what I wanted. Ultimately, I was hell-bent on feeling that everything in this moment, including me, was not good enough. I was so attached to feeling this way that I even cleverly used my partner’s response to me to fuel how I was feeling. So I felt worse. Now I was not only feeling not good enough; I also felt alone.

Then I remembered something my spiritual teacher Amma teaches. The words rang in my being as though a meditation bell had been struck within my soul:

“Progress is being made when you maintain evenness of mind in the face of praise and shame, honour and dishonour.”

The message was crystal clear. I, who aspire to live a conscious life, was in no even state of mind! A cold bucket of water had just been splashed over my hot head. Immediately I asked myself what turn in the road I had taken that had led me to this painful place. I sat myself down, took a quiet moment, and went within to find out.

What came to mind were some of the people I had met over the years who had lashed out at me or others in their own suffering. Interestingly, my overt reactivity reminded me of them. I have seen people be so hard on themselves, then explode and blame others for their misery. And here I was, not really being all that different. I was being so hard on myself, then imploding and hurting myself.

It reminded me that I had recently read a tweet by a modern spiritual author that said something like, the universe will sweep away all your character defects. I replied to the tweet (though I never heard back), to the effect that sometimes the universe exacerbates our negative tendencies so we can see them and choose to let them go. This was clearly what was happening through the consequences of my self-judging mood. I was being given an opportunity to look at my shadow more closely.

Next week, I would like to share a revelation that has come to me through this experience. Please join me here again next Sunday.

 

A Light Goes Home: Thank You, Debbie Ford

Years ago, I was beginning to notice a pattern in my life: I was attracting people who often left me feeling depleted. I knew it was a pattern, but I did not know what the pattern was trying to teach me about myself.

During my quest to find insights into this pattern, I went to a local bookstore where I came across Debbie Ford’s book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I instantly bought it, went home, tucked myself in and started to read. What followed was an opening of an inner window that had long been forgotten. Debbie’s kindness and care leapt off the pages and gave me the courage to enter into a new realm of self-understanding.

As a child I was taught, perhaps like many, to break up my world into “good” and “bad”. I wanted the world to only see my “good”, and learned to shove, like we tend to do, those things I judged as “bad” somewhere into the recesses of my being. Yet from the power they gained stored away in the dark, those severed places continued to wreak havoc in my life. The disowned parts of me needed attention and integration in order for me to learn to become whole. It was not until I began, with self-love and humility, to welcome these forgotten places into my heart, that I began to truly grow.

Following my first encounter with Debbie Ford, I have found comfort and guidance in her subsequent offerings. Always honest, wise and compassionate in the way that can only come from someone who is walking their talk, Debbie has been a partner to many of my personal inner adventures. If you have been reading along on my blog, you may remember that I referred to Debbie Ford's book "The Right Questions" in a 2012 blog entry about fulfilling your heart's desires.

I grew even more fond of Debbie Ford when I noticed in "The Right Questions" that she thanks my guru, Amma, and speaks of her as "an amazing teacher and a living example of service".

As one who is devoted to consciousness through art, I also appreciated knowing that Debbie’s work has spread to support others with a powerful, international voice, such as Alanis Morissette, who openly refers to their friendship and whose name comes up in Debbie’s books.

On February 17, 2013, Debbie Ford passed away due to cancer. She will be greatly missed by the thousands of people she has touched and inspired to live their best life with her groundbreaking work on the human shadow. I will miss her wisdom and compassionate offerings. Yet I take comfort in the legacy that she leaves behind, work that in essence is never really done, because we are constantly growing, until our inner light, like hers, returns home to rest in lasting peace.

In addition to her body of work, she leaves behind The Collective Heart Foundation in partnership with the Just Like My Child Foundation, offering important programs to help women and children.
If you feel so moved, there is a beautiful page to post your personal memories and stories about Debbie at RememberingDebbieFord.com. 



And if you have never yet had the joy of meeting Debbie, here is a great video introducing you to her, from her website:

With love and gratitude to you, Debbie.
May your light shine on.

Lokah samastha sukhino bhavantu.

Jai Ma,
Parvati 

Ask Parvati 42: Healing Shame - Part 1: Toxic Shame

Dear Parvati,
My life looks good on the surface - I'm intelligent, good looking, have a decent job, a good relationship - but I feel like a loser. I can't seem to stop doing things I'm not proud of, like spending evenings playing World of Warcraft instead of working on my writing (I want to publish a novel), or letting the vegetables rot in the fridge while I eat chips for supper or order pizza... meanwhile I'm paying $100/month for a gym membership and not using it. I think most people who know me are really fooled and they think I have it so much more together than I really do. I'm afraid that if they found out the reality, they'd all get disgusted and drift away from me. My significant other has brought up the idea of living together, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if she sees how I really live. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in shame for not being a better person. How do I fix this?

Thank you for your question. Hiding is hard to do at any time, especially on an ongoing basis. Hiding our true self from our self and the world is extra hard, even painful. You may think you are the only one who does things you want to hide from others and your self. But in truth, many people struggle with similar feelings of personal shame and self-disgust. Because hiding supports shame, it's important to remember that the more down on yourself you feel, the more you feed the shame, that is usually fueled by feelings of low self-esteem or a wounded sense of self-worth.

Shame is quite common. It is a fundamental motivator behind our pain-driven behaviours, such as compulsions, co-dependency, addictions and the drive to over- or under-achieve. These compulsions can break down families and friendships and destroy our personal lives. To some extent or another, most people suffer from some degree of shame, hidden in the recesses of their psyches. That is what shame does. It hides in the dark where we cannot see it. Yet out of our conscious sight, it wreaks havoc on our lives. Shame undermines the expression of our authentic self and our ability to live our true potential.

John Bradshaw, author of “Healing the Shame That Binds You”, reminds us that there two kinds of shame: toxic shame binds us into toxic behaviors; healthy shame helps us feel balanced remorse for things we do, think and say that do not support our highest good or the good of all. The shame I address here is toxic. It is the kind that thwarts our brilliance, joy and fulfillment in some capacity or another.

If you feel you suffer from toxic shame, you may consider reading John Bradshaw’s very helpful book on the topic. Written 17 years ago but still selling more than 13,000 copies a year, the book is considered a classic authority on the subject. It has helped millions identify their personal shame, understand the underlying reasons for it, address the root causes and release themselves from the shame that binds them to their past. I would recommend it for pretty much anyone who is on a personal, healing journey and wishes to live a life of balanced wholeness.

The roots for toxic shame can be traced to our youngest years, when our true self was judged not good enough by our primary caregivers. We were made to feel that there was a fundamental lack in our being, that we are fundamentally flawed at our core. Because of this, shame exists because of our fundamental misperception that we are flawed. So thoughts of “fixing” shame, as the question suggests here, only exacerbates the notion that we are broken.

Shame is not to be fixed, but gently revealed. The energy caught in our hidden, severed and disowned places needs to be slowly brought back from the dark and moved into the light. As we learn to witness our hidden, shameful bits with self-love, kindness and understanding, we integrate them into who we are. In that place of whole self-acceptance, the grip we have around them organically releases and our sense of internal split is healed.

 

Continues tomorrow with "Bringing The Wounded Bits To The Light".

PS - the latest Parvati Magazine is live. This month's issue is on love, including self-love. Please go and check it out.

 

 

Ask Parvati 39: Overcoming Stage Fright and Performance Anxiety - Part 4: The Inner Critique and Self-Love

(Continued from To Risk Speaking Up And Saying What You Feel)

I have a saying that gets me through every show. If there are three people in a room, one person will hate what I do; another will love it; while another will not care. I find this very helpful. Everyone will have their own, personal experience and opinion of what I do. My job is not to worry about what others think, but to do the best job I feel I can do and have fun while I do it.

People may not like what we say, and react to it. But that is their stuff and is no reflection of who we are. Our job is not to try to fix or change anyone, but get on and do what we are each here to do. We do not need to try to convince someone we are worthy of love, because we already are worthy, simply by being.

If we look deeply into the root of stage fright, we will find that we may need to cultivate a bit more self-love. Self-love is different from self-confidence. Self-confidence can get us to the stage. Self-love will help us enjoy delivering the show. If we don't have self-love, our self-confidence becomes bravado - thick on the outside and hollow within. Once the test comes, we crack.

When we face the risk to give voice and overcome stage fright, we must face our inner critique. It is my understanding that the inner critique is a summary of our limiting beliefs that were sealed into our psyche as children. The louder the inner critique, the lower the self-esteem, the more afraid we feel of being who we are. Self-love is closely linked to self-esteem. Self-esteem comes when we have a strong
sense of self-love. I looked at how to cultivate self-esteem and self-love in more depth than I will do here, in my previous blog entry I Suck, Please Love Me. It is important to understand how to cultivate self-love when we wish to overcome performance anxiety and stage fright. So please take a look at it.

It is often the case that those with low self-esteem project their inner critique onto the world. Those with a strong inner critique tend to have a tougher time with stage fright and performance anxiety. The inner critique is an extension of our childhood patterns that kept us ducking how we really felt in an effort to placate our caregivers. We began to overwrite our natural impulses, which soon felt wrong. When the inner critique is in overdrive, we can become compulsively afraid that we will displease, even simply by being. The inner critique is an inner voice that repeatedly lets us know what we "should" and "should not" do in order to measure up, and ultimately, be loved. But listening to this voice will not bring us happiness. We cannot find the love we truly seek through self-effacing acts. We must be naturally ourselves and cultivate a rich life in a world we feel welcomes us wholly to blossom into our fullest being.

We all have a voice. We all are called to speak up and say how we feel daily. It takes a certain self-confidence, and healthy self-esteem to do so. These come from understanding our own inherent worth. We all likely have had some experience of stage fright, from the more obvious situations like office presentations and public speaking, to the subtler, when we are asked how we feel and clam up. When we don't show up for ourselves and our lives, we rob life of the richness of who we are. We need to be rooted in our own inherent personal value to live life fully.

There is no doubt that there are mean-spirited and negative people out there who are toxic to be around. It is best to move on should we find ourself engaging with such people. But at a more psychological level, the criticisms we feel from others hurt because we are good at criticizing ourselves. If we really stop and think about it, if we were truly rooted in LOVE, and I mean self-love, love for others - love, not wanting - then would we not just see the person criticizing us as doing just that - criticizing? It would not feel like a personal attack, because we would see them in their own pain, their own suffering. Is a person who criticizes feeling loved and fulfilled themselves? No. Remember that when you next feel criticized.

Criticizing is not okay. I am not condoning it. I am simply saying that when you feel criticized, remember that it comes from someone who is distorted, and not rooted in love.

Feedback is different from criticism. Feedback gives us a clear idea where we excel and where we can grow. It provides information about a specific task with specific details. Criticism directly attacks a person's nature, not a specific task. When we criticize, we indicate that a person is bad or is not worthy. When we give feedback, we indicate how a specific tasks does not work for us and suggest possible ways a person may improve that specific task, if they so choose. Criticism is toxic and erodes our self-esteem, whereas feedback supports our growth.

As you learn to overcome stage fright and performance anxiety, focus on developing a loving relationship with your own self, and letting go of the voice of your inner critique. Understand that the inner critique comes from a wounded place that does not see the world in wholeness or balance, but from a place of fear and disconnect. When we understand that the inner critique really is a wounded place looking to create more wounded experiences, it no longer has power over us and loses its grip over our mind. Once we let go of attachment to our inner critique, the criticisms we may experience from others will roll off our back. We will be rooted in self-love, where distorted perceptions like criticism will have no meaning and will not be able to take root. We can get on with enjoying and sharing the light we are in a fertile world that fully receives our whole self.

(Continued tomorrow with "Taking Up Space: The Co-Creative Flow")

PS: Tomorrow is the last day to send your questions to be answered next
week. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 5: Getting The Love You Need

GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED

(Continued from Getting The Love You Want)

 

 

Relationships are a path for personal growth. In my opinion, they can be a fast track way for spiritual growth. Perhaps some of you have had the experience of feeling great when you are on your own, but when you get into a relationship, all of a sudden you find out all sorts of areas for personal growth as your shadow gets provoked. None of that seemed to exist when you were on your own. So where did it come from? The ego assumes it must be your partner, so you conclude you're with the wrong partner. Truth is, these vasanas (or negative tendencies) were within you all along and have been simply triggered by the relationship.

 

Of course, it is healthy to be in a relationship where you find the support and safety you need to explore and ultimately release these vasanas. This is why a healthy relationship is more like a co-creative workshop for spiritual growth than a walk in the park. They amplify our shadow and our potential. They bring out hidden tendencies and show us who we truly are. When we are willing to accept the fuel for growth and let our ego guard down, the workshop begins to feel more like a walk in the park, as we become more spiritually fit.

 

I have had my fair share of a range of relationship experiences, some painfully scary and others tender and divine. In hindsight, I can see in that all the while, I was being taught exactly what I needed to learn in exactly the way I needed to learn it. Sometimes when we resist lessons, life heats up the teachings and we find ourselves in painful situations. The intensity of the lesson may be a measure of our resistance to learning and the hardness of our ego. If we meet a relationship with humility, these tough lessons soften and our learning and evolution increases.

 

I have found when I am willing to let go of the grip of my ego and live in service to the creative flow, this moment as it is right now, I touch a level of love and joy that is not conditional upon circumstance. This is something I can choose. I can tap into that flow at any time.

 

Our partners may push our buttons, but the buttons are ours. Our old patterns exist within ourselves. They are not found inside the other person.

 

I believe it is humbling and healthy to know that we will be triggered at some point or another until we reach enlightenment. The triggers persist because they are part of our attachments to “mine”, the part of the human psyche that divides and individuates. Similarly our partner has the same tendencies. When we understand this, we can soften to what may seem intense, unfair, or "against me" in the moment and open to a bigger picture. We can laugh more at our tendency to grasp and push. We can let go and flow with greater joy.

 

No one person, no matter how perfect, could fill up a hole in our psyche. In some sense, it is not even really fair to ask that of anyone. No one person could make our distorted perceptions right. Maybe by their not giving us what we feel we want in the moment, we go inside and find it from our capacity for self-love and from our relationship with the Divine. Maybe by not being given the exact right response that we feel we want in this moment to make life seem perfectly shiny, maybe we are being given the greatest gift we could get. In that moment, we see our attachments to how we want life to be, rather than how life is. In that moment, our “me-ness” cracks a little, and a fissure of light slips in. We can see, in perfect reflection, our wanting, how our ego wants things to be a certain way to feel temporarily loved.

 

In truth, we are always loved. Our perception of such gets eclipsed, and we forget. That is ok. When we don’t get what we want, we have a chance to see what we really need. We have an opportunity to turn our awareness to the reality that we are already whole, loved, connected and interconnected to an intelligent whole that is far greater than our limited ego or will. We just temporarily got caught up, in the smallness of “me” and forgot the expanse of “I Am”. Our partner too is part of that intelligent whole. And whether our partner knows it or not, he/she just gave us a gift back home, to the One undivided state of continual bliss. Not bad for a relationship, huh?

 

Today is the last day to submit your question to be answered for next week's blog. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com.

I will post a new blog topic in answer to one of your questions throughout next week starting this Sunday.

Thanks for reading!

Be well till then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 3: Gossip Hurts

GOSSIP HURTS
(Continued from Cultivating Compassion)

At the core of the practice of satya (truthfulness) is non-gossip. Non-gossip is also part of the five Buddhist precepts, rules by which to live. These precepts are analogous to the yogic Yamas and Niyamas and to the Ten Commandments. They are:

1. Do not kill (including non-harming, the absence of violence)

2. Do not steal (including taking that which is not rightfully yours)

3. Do not lie (including name calling and gossip)

4. Do not misuse sex (including adultery, harassment, exploitation; for renunciates, this means celibacy)

5. Do not consume intoxicants (including drugs, alcohol; for some this can even mean do not engage in mind-numbing activities such as movies and TV)

Gossip is idle talk or rumours, especially about the personal or private affairs of others. Gossip is prolific in our society, something we often take for granted. In extreme cases, it is considered a trustworthy source of information.

It seems gossip is practiced when we do not feel "enough". It comes from scarcity. It is not an expression of abundance, plenty, joy and fulfillment. We all have the capacity to gossip about what "they" did "over there", because that makes us feel temporarily better than "them". But we only do that for the temporary fix of feeling "better", because we fundamentally don't feel enough. If we knew truly that we were love, that each moment is perfection, we would understand our and others' shortcomings so that we could only experience compassion. Instead, we gossip.

I am guilty of gossip. Inadvertently, or in moments of spite, I have surely spread untruths. I have coveted that which "they have" out of feeling lack. These are poisons driven by our human ego. They cease only when we begin to notice them and understand that they are rooted in ignorance. Once we see the suffering they create, we chose to stop promoting pain. When we see the pain we cause in another through spreading untruths, our hearts break open to express our humanity, our capacity to love. No one wants to be subject to false accusations and lies.

I personally understand how gossip hurts. I have experienced it in various situations, even in groups that are supposedly spiritual. Despite the hurt I have felt, these painful times have also provided me with an unsurpassed opportunity to grow, evolve, learn and ultimately love.

Recently I was in a situation where a close friend of mine felt threatened by her next steps on her path and was not ready to face her problem with addiction. So she felt compelled to blame someone for her shadow, because she was too afraid and proud to hold herself accountable for her painful actions. This is natural and perhaps we have all done this to some degree or another. When we cannot deal with what we have done, it becomes someone else's fault. We all also tend to hurt the people closest to us. Since I was one of the people close to her, I was in her ego's line of fire and became the target of her hungry shadow. What followed was a gross misrepresentation of events, blaming me for her own choices.

I am sure that many can relate to the experience of a friend acting in ways that hurt or even betray us. These painful things happen. Likely too, many can relate to feeling inner turmoil as people harbour incorrect and unfavourable opinions about us. Our discomfort is part of our own shadow, driven by our own feeling of "I am not enough", that keeps us attached to feeling we need others’ approval in order to feel good. Part of satya is to find rooting in our truth that is not driven by approval from others, but only from our quiet, humble and unique connection with the divine.

In the case of my friend spreading gossip, it hurt my feelings deeply to feel judged and misrepresented. It hurt that she had made a radical about-face after the deep friendship we had shared. It hurt that others in our community took her word at face value, never checking in with me about how I was feeling or if any of what she said was true. In fact, the opposite occurred. When I reached out to people who had joined the gossip bandwagon to express how I was feeling, I received judgmental, finger-wagging "advice" back. There was no openness, humility, interest or receptivity.

The poison of this gossip extended to people who had been close friends with me for years as well as to acquaintances and spiritual renunciates that I greatly admired. It was as though a plague had spread. So I went into my heart, my soul, and inwardly called to my guru and asked, "How come? What am I to learn in this?"

It took me several months of tears, rage, inner processing, and deep soul searching to finally find the lotus flower blossoming in the proverbial mud. It had all felt like mud till then, layers of unclear complications created by someone who did not want to face her pain. Where was the flower that rises above the swamp? I could not see it.

Eventually, I saw that the entire gossip train was the most perfect gift I could receive. The present came to me like the fresh fragrance wafting above pond scum. Close friends around me who were also hurt by the gossip began to have similar realizations. The gift in gossip was making itself seen.

Though the process was a very painful one, I learned some of the most valuable lessons in my life. I learned that any judgement I feel from others provides me with an opportunity to release self-judgement. It is a gift, a way I can cultivate more compassion, space, and support for myself through my unique connection with the divine. It is also a way I can learn to truly love others, witnessing them doing their thing in this moment, just as they are, which has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I also saw that the person who had betrayed me was a gift from my guru. She was inadvertently mirroring ways in which I was betraying myself. She turned her back on my heart and on our sacred bond of friendship. She twisted truths, making lies seem like a good thing. Is this not exactly what the ego does? There were parts of my ego that were busy doing this -- to myself! Through the painful experience, I saw the subtler ways I still was suppressing my soul voice, silencing it, or twisting it around to support an ego driven fear. This was really big, deep stuff! What Grace!

The gift in gossip became a fantastic lesson in the subtlety and potency of satya. My life-long commitment is to soulful evolution and spiritual growth. I now see that being at the centre of this gossip was a gift perfectly orchestrated by my guru to help me evolve and love. It strengthened my ability to stay true to my truth, not buying into other people's fears and perceptions, and to have compassion for all of our weaknesses. It has helped me love better by accepting the murkiness of the pond for what it is and focusing on the truth and eternal light of the lotus flower.

I still watch the hoo-ha go on around. Now this former friend of mine who started the gossip train is in a situation where she gets lots of attention, coddling, ego stroking and addiction enabling, which is exactly what she wanted all along. So in some way, she is temporarily happy. She still is in denial of what went on, of the gossip she spread and of the pain she caused. But that is ok. There is a far bigger picture than I can see. I cannot change her. I cannot change anyone. All I can do is learn from the situation and humbly grow. I am open to an honest, heart to heart discussion with her or anyone from the community we shared, should anyone be willing. Until such time, I practice accepting them all with all their varied colours, just as they are, not the way I want them to be. When life dishes you lemons, you make lemonade!

Gossip hurts. So next time you mechanically begin to propagate gossip, look within and notice in what way your ego is getting a boost. Drop it, immediately. There is no gain in false speech or in the support of illusory perceptions. That is not satya. Give thanks to the universe for noticing this tendency and let it go.

When you find yourself on the receiving end of gossip, give thanks for the gift of insight into your shadow and into the shadow of others. The ego only dies when it merges with the light. For this to happen, we must let go. Being on the receiving end of gossip shows you that you have something others fear and covet. It shows that their consciousness is rooted in scarcity. They cannot love or see you as you are because ultimately, they do not love themselves enough to do so.

We all know scarcity, so we all can find compassion for those who are mired in it. When others judge you, see it as a mirror for how you can judge yourself and may be holding yourself back. Being hurt by others’ small-mindedness mirrors an aspect of your small mind for you to see. Receive the gift. Give thanks and let it go.

Life is full of mud and flowers. Where we choose to focus is up to us. We can get mired in the mud by buying into it through spreading gossip or feeling the victim of it, or we can see it all as the illusion of scarcity and let it all go. The best choice we can make is to focus on the flowers and rise above the mud and merge with the pure light of undivided consciousness. It is that light that fuels the blossoming flower to grow from the mud. That light is our true nature, not the mud. May we all be the flowers we are!

There are no perfect humans, only people evolving. Even those wearing holy robes have foibles and can err, unless they are fully realized masters. Until we are fully realized, we will cause pain. How quickly we see our folly and how quickly we amend our ways makes the difference between the wise and the ignorant.

We will take a look at the final entry on gossip in part 4 tomorrow on Discernment.

Enjoy the rest of the day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 5, Moving Through Depression And Attracting The Love You Want

PART FIVE: MOVING THROUGH DEPRESSION AND ATTRACTING THE LOVE YOU WANT
(Continued from Letting Go of Wounds)

Question: It seems I have this pending topic 12 years ago and I fell on a depression state but in that moment I didn't follow a therapy or anything. How can I deal with that and start trusting myself and a possible future partner, from a difference perspective out of ego?
It hurts so bad and I feel blackened...

My answer: If you still struggle with depression, it is best to work with a trained therapist to help support your healing. I would also suggest taking a look at the blog entries I wrote in the past specifically on depression and despair. You may find them very useful.

We are only going to attract the partner that we wish to have in our life, once we have found a true loving connection with ourself. I leave that as a single paragraph to emphasize how important this is! We are only going to attract the partner that we wish to have in our life once we have found a true loving connection to ourself. So important!

We all have to face a deep wound: feeling lack of love. It seems to be part of the human condition. The problem is, most people think that another person is going to fill their need for love. But that will never work. We look for that perfect person, but remain unfulfilled. Even if we find the person we think we wanted, eventually, we find out that it too leaves us feeling empty. The emptiness inside can only be filled by ourselves and our relationship to the Divine. No one but ourselves can do that. We must cultivate self-love in order to love.

So my sense is you must work on developing your own sense of self-worth and self-love in order to be in a lasting relationship. Relationships are not two halves making a whole. That will not last. Relationships are two whole people coming together to celebrate the gift of life. The love and respect they feel for themselves is amplified in their connection. The other one does not fill the other up. Each one already is full, ready to share, learn and grow. It is a bit like how a fruit needs to ripen before it is savoured. We must each ripen in our own way to be ready to truly love. To have a solid, loving, lasting relationship, we must learn to love ourselves.

From my experience, in a committed relationship for the past seven years (my anniversary comes up this month), even when we meet our partner with fullness, there is lots of room for growth. A partnership is like two universes coming together. Jointly, we co-create possibility. If we are not ripe in ourselves, if we are wanting, we will co-create impossibilities and pull each other down. We must be rooted in the positive possibilities of being, in order to co-create with another person in the positive possibilities. Then, when the proverbial "shit hits the fan" and we encounter conflict, we can look at the conflict from a healthy, rooted and expansive point of view, not one that threatens our very existence. If our self esteem revolves around another person loving us, we have placed our relationship to ourselves in something that is non-permanent and bound to change and cause pain. If our self-love is founded on our relationship with the Divine, then we have a rooted sense of self that is fed by the infinite. We then begin to see relationship as a spacious process of shared witnessing. We each are called in a co-creative relationship, to witness each other's fullness of being with delight and joy, and to be compassionately present when there is suffering and the opportunity for growth. That process of witnessing is the foundation of eternal love.

I go over the issue of self love and relationships in depth in the blog entry "I Suck, Please Love Me".

Thank you for this week's questions. I hope you have found my answers useful in some way.

Don't forget that today is the last day to send in your questions to be drawn by lottery for next week's blog topic. Please send in your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Have a wonderful weekend,
Parvati

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 3, Transcending Anger And Low Self-Esteem

PART THREE: TRANSCENDING ANGER AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM

(Continued from Faith and the Unfaithful)

Question: How can I transcend anger, lack of confidence and self esteem when I know it's the ego playing tricks in my mind? 

My answer: The process of transcending anger, lack of confidence and low self-esteem are a slow and deep process. Lifetimes slow. If his Holiness the Dalai Lama says he has transcended anger, well there is hope for us all. Yet we must remember that he is in a state of Buddha Mind. So it takes a lot of time and practice! 

My experience tells me that learning to meet life with humility is a very powerful tool to cultivate self-esteem and self-confidence. When we are willing to learn from our mistakes and painful situations, we begin to see life as a gift, as a supportive process, rather than something "happening to me". We then feel we have choice, and the ability to create a life we love. If we are willing to admit our own faults and shortcomings, we can feel more compassionate for the shortcomings of others as well. 

It is natural to feel angry when someone hurts us. But it is a reactive reflex, like you would get if you stepped on a lion's paw. Anger is not a considerate and compassionate response. If we are willing to go deeper, slowly, with mindful practice, our human tendency to have that knee-jerk reaction will subside. We will develop more God-like qualities, such as understanding, compassion, wisdom and love. 

Compassion requires the cultivation of self-love, so that we can see ourselves in others. Through the eyes of compassion, we would see the ignorance in others as the same ignorance we also have. We may not be acting it out in this moment, but we certainly have that potential. So really, we are not that different. When we see our similarities rather than our differences, forgiveness begins to happen. Then there is undemanding, connection, humility, love. Anger cannot live in that kind of environment. But this takes time and practice. It does not develop overnight.

You may find the six blog entries I posted on anger very useful. You can begin with Part One and follow the links at the end of each post to go to the next section.

(Continued tomorrow with Letting Go of Wounds)

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 2, Faith And The Unfaithful

PART TWO: FAITH AND THE UNFAITHFUL

(Continued from Jealousy and the Ego)

Question: What relation is there between unfaithful and cheated on past experiences? 

My answer: I am not sure what you mean. If you mean what is the relationship between us cheating and then being cheated on, then I would say, you can call it instant karma. But I think you mean, why do we experience being cheated on? Is that some past karma of ours? I think we need to ask that question. That which happens in our life is a result of our karmas. This is a good thing. If we are willing to see life as a mirror, we will find life teaches us all we need to know.

I have had to go deeply into that question myself as I too have experienced that, as I am sure many have as well. Even recently, I experienced one of my closest friends deeply betraying me in a public setting. It was like being cheated on because we had had a sacred contract of love and trust as super close friends. In any intimate relationship, we have faith in the contract and bonds we have made. But not all people have the same relationship to their word.

People will do what they feel they must do. What they choose is not about us at all. My friend did what she felt she needed to do. At that level, her choice to be adharmic, to act in an unrighteous manner, had absolutely nothing to do with me. In fact, before she did what she did, I had asked her to reconsider, that what she was about to do was not in alignment with love. But she made her choice.

In the midst of my healing, my heart wounded, raw and cracked open, I had to ask myself, what is this experience teaching me? What is life mirroring back to me to witness, to learn and to let go? I realized that at some level, there was a play of ego I had with this friend, that was not balanced. She was in a lot of pain, and I realized that I was subtly trying to "help" her, do the work for her. I had unconsciously taken on some of her job of healing herself. That was subtly stroking my ego. She loved it. When I started to catch on that this was at play, I shared it with her. But she did not want to make the shift. She chose instead to feel victimized by my call for rebalance and personal responsibility. She did what she felt she needed to do. Again, I had nothing to do with that. 

Deeper still, I had to see that her betrayal of our bond was ultimately a gift to me to see the subtle ways I still betray myself. I was brought face to face with the questions: "Am I truly, fully, wholeheartedly in service to my soul voice?" I had to answer no, that I still sabotage myself. I still get in the way. I still betray my own magnificence. I wanted to say that the problem was all hers, but it was not. Her choice to betray our friendship was totally hers. But the gift in the experience was for me to see part of my own shadow and ultimately move beyond it. 

In the end, I feel grateful to her for being a catalyst in my growth. Sometimes life has big explosions to blow open parts of our ego that are in resistance, so we can see parts of our shadow that are in our blind spot. In that way, I feel the situation was Grace, a purification process, helping me be far more discerning with whom I share so deeply and teaching me to honour with much deeper reverence the voice of my soul.

To explore more deeply the ins and outs of relationships and how we can grow from them, I think you may find my blog entry Finding Balance In Relationships very helpful. 

(Continued tomorrow with Transcending Anger and Low Self-Esteem)

Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 6: We Attract What We Know

PART 6: WE ATTRACT WHAT WE KNOW

(Continued from Helping Versus Enabling)

I believe that we attract people into our lives who reflect aspects of ourselves. Until we have taken a look at our childhood, our relationship with our parents, and how we felt growing up, we will either unconsciously attract a “mommy” or a “daddy” into our lives, from whom we still hope to get the love we feel we lack.

If you are attracted to a life-partner with an addiction tendency, it does not necessarily mean you too are an addict. But it may mean that one or both of your parents were and you are still trying to heal the childhood pain you likely felt. Perhaps your coping mechanism as a child was to be a fixer or a good kid, as a means to avoid the inevitable ups and downs of your addict parent. Perhaps you do the same with your partner. You tiptoe around his or her addiction and sidestep your own self, because fundamentally, you feel unsafe. Whatever the story may be, the relationship is a mirror for you to see yourself more clearly.

I believe that we all benefit from counseling and psychotherapy. I believe we are here, on this planet, to grow, to evolve, to become whole. The partners we choose are a powerful mirror into who we are. In relationship, we can see with greater clarity our compulsions, our tendencies, our fears and our desires. We can hide more easily from our shadow when we are on our own. In relationship, after the honeymoon phase is over, the proverbial shit hits the fan. We see our stuff. We are either willing to work it, or we leave and find likely another situation in which we will be faced with the same stuff until we heal.

I don’t necessarily believe there is the “right” partner out there. More important is the right attitude within. Of course, we need to be with kind people who are willing to grow and evolve. We must not stay in abusive situations that jeopardize our safety. We need to look with greater depth at ourselves and what we attract into our lives as a reflection of who we are.

I don’t necessarily believe we attract partners who are a literal mirror to ourselves, however. I once heard a woman say to me that she was supporting a partner who was going through issues related to being sexually abused as a child, and she felt this meant she had to uncover issues with her own sexuality. I don’t believe it is so cut and dried. Only ourselves, our relationship to the divine and our soul know exactly what we are learning in any given situation.

As is the case when we are in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction, we are likely learning more about boundaries, self-care, and letting go, if we are not dealing with the same addiction issues. So be gentle with yourself. Stay true to your word. Treat yourself and others with integrity, honesty, steadiness and respect. Make sure your actions meet your word. Be around those who have the same commitments. Above all, know that you are love. You are loved.

EXERCISE:
1) In which way do you respect your needs and honour your boundaries?

2) Are you true to your word?

3) Are your actions and words in alignment?

4) In which way can you be kinder, more loving to yourself?

5) Are you getting the help you need?

My next post will be this Sunday. Thank you for your submissions this week. If you would like to be considered for the following week’s blog topic, please send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Much peace to you,

Parvati

 

Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 5: Helping Versus Enabling

PART 5: HELPING VERSUS ENABLING

(Continued from Getting Help)

For those who love a person who struggles with addiction, it is so very painful to see. Ultimately, we too need to admit that we are powerless over the addiction. We want to help. We see those we love in pain. We want to take that pain away. But we cannot make changes for anyone but ourselves. It is often hard enough to make changes for ourselves. We are powerless to make the changes for those we love.

Often addicts find themselves close to people that enable. Enablers are harder to see sometimes than addicts, because enablers seem kind and helpful. They are ever wiling to help, cover up, make excuses, clean up the mess, tippy-toe around addicts. There is a powerful yet very subtle ego force at play with enablers. They are doing “good deeds”, so they are “good” people, “helping” those “poor souls” with the problem. But they have a problem too.

Unfortunately, too often these good intentions end up feeding addiction and not in any way helping. Because addiction is based on consumption and wanting, it is insatiably hungry. It needs attention. It needs to ingest, to buy, to take, to feed. It feeds on attention as well. When we tippy-toe around it, the addiction energy feels powerfully important. When we cry for it, yell at it, rage at it, pray for it, plead with it, fight it, we are in fact feeding the addiction.

Tough love, clear boundaries and a no-nonsense attitude are the only way to be around anyone with addiction. Whether you are around someone with an addiction or whether you are questioning whether you yourself are an addict, a powerful tool is to ensure that your actions and your words are in alignment. Those with addictions are used to spin doctoring, twisting the truth, or outright lying to try to get their way, to try to satiate their feeling of wanting, to get the hit their disease needs.

This does not mean we need to be cold or cruel. Tough love means being rooted, clear and strong. And in fact, these are also qualities that you can find in compassionate action. When we are sentimentally involved, we become entangled. When we are compassionate, we are a clear witness to what is: present, open, available, but rooted in self-love. We must stay rooted in who we are and what we want from our lives, because we can easily get sucked into the vortex of addiction. Addiction has a gravitational pull. If we are too close and not grounded, soon we will get sucked into the drama too.

We must stand at a safe distance from someone with an addiction, be present for ourselves, available to support him or her, and get on with our own life. Ultimately, we can change ourselves. We cannot change anyone else. Too often our lives get put on hold while we focus on trying to fix the one with the problem, not realizing that in fact, we too have a problem.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Sobriety begins with taking a step towards self love, self worth, valuing yourself enough to let go of things that drag you down. People who are not addicts have the brain chemistry to know the difference between habits that are not useful and habits that are. Addicts have a harder time with that and must learn this discernment. The brain is plastic and can change. New habits are possible. Health, sobriety and a life that works are possible for everyone, even for an addict. As for everyone, we must be willing to admit we have a problem, look at our shadow and embrace the fullness of who we are.

EXERCISE
1) Are there addicts in your life that you are enabling?

2) In which way have you allowed someone’s addiction to rule your life?

3) What do you need to do to take the self-loving steps to focus on your own life?

4) If you find it hard to separate yourself from an addict, perhaps because you feel guilty, then you need professional help. You likely need to go to Al-Anon and/or work with a professional therapist that specializes in addiction.

REMINDER: Don’t forget that today submissions are due for this week’s Ask Parvati blog. Send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com

(Continued tomorrow with We Attract What We Know)