Ask Parvati 40: Distractions - Keeping Your Eye On The Prize - Part 2: Is It An Opportunity, Or A Distraction?

(Continued from Focus, Discipline and Courage)

 

Every moment in every day counts. It is a valuable and powerful asset that we can use to build our dreams or squander our joy. We each have our own way to remain focused on our goals. Some will journal while others will visualize while others will self-talk and perhaps others do a combination of those. Whatever works for you, put that first in your day, every day. Make sure your goals are right up front and central in your life. Every day, give your life to yourself fully and completely, so you may serve the world. A closed hand cannot receive and an empty heart cannot give.

 

This brings to mind basketball. I enjoy basketball. The players have an agility and rhythm that I also see in dancers. The athletes in this game can at times seem to transcend time and gravity in a way that amazing artists can do. If you have been to a basketball game, you know that when a player is given the chance for a point shot, fans in the stands just behind the basket often furiously wave brightly coloured or neon wands to distract the shooter.

 

Sometimes it can feel like life is doing that to us, waving colourful, distracting wands by bringing forward all sorts of events and happenings that seem to pull our focus from our desired goal. But as a trained athlete knows, focus is an acquired skill: keep your mind in the game and eye on the prize. As we face the unfolding of our New Year's plans and resolutions, we too must learn to keep our eye on the prize.

 

Sometimes it seems we want life to be uni-dimensional, easy to predict and singular. But it is not. Every moment is filled with possibility, which is part of the magnificence and divine beauty of being alive. As I mentioned in an earlier blog on discernment, we must learn to clearly see along our path the difference between an opportunity that moves us towards our desired goals and a distraction that pulls us away from our true joy.

 

A few months ago, I was in a focused creative flow in my studio, working on new musical material. It was nothing short of feeling like I was in heaven. The project was time-sensitive and was due for submission the following day. I was totally committed to that success. Or was I?

 

While I was in the thick of the creative process, my doorbell rang. It was a friend who had spontaneously dropped by unannounced with a friend of his he really wanted me to meet. At first, I felt happy to see my friend and open to meeting his new friend, but then quickly realized that this meant that I was not in my studio creating. I did not know what to do.

 

My old habits kicked in, and the overly "nice" girl, who is afraid to say how she really feels and wants to make everyone happy, came out with a smile. Rather than making the visit short and saying it was not an ideal time for me, I offered them tea, then dinner and even a long visit in my studio. The new friend is a electronic music producer, so I was even further tempted and sidetracked by shop-talk and technical trick swapping.

 

One could argue that the visit was useful in terms of keeping me on path, because we did share information that could have helped my project. But why then, once they left, did I feel so depleted?

 

When we follow our path and do what is in alignment with our highest good, we feel rooted, vital and expansive, no matter what our mind may think or our emotional self may feel. Truth is always clear like a sharp sword.

 

With the unexpected visit, my emotional self kicked in with feelings of guilt, fuelled by my old childhood people-pleasing patterns. My mental self was seduced by the tempting tech talks, which I rationalized as being potentially useful. Meanwhile, my heart and soul were sinking. If I had a true commitment to the success of my goals and my deepest joy, I would have made a short visit and been more honest with my needs. In hindsight, I see that would have been completely fine. And frankly, people that I would consider friends would understand.

 

Where I got confused was in thinking that perhaps the spontaneous appearance was grace, helping me to fulfill my goals. But the grace was not in saying yes to the visit, but to learn to say no.

 

If we look at the basketball game, it is clear to us that the player is to keep his eye on his target and should not get distracted by the wiggling wands. Could you imagine if the athlete stopped the game, muscle tested, went inside, asked himself if the wiggling wands were a sign from God that he was supposed to miss his shot and instead pull out a dinner spread? We see that the idea is clearly ridiculous. But we can do that to ourselves daily, and many times a day.

 

Every day, take a moment first thing in the morning to review your goals for your life, your goals for this year and your goals for this day. Know what brings you joy. Imagine the day fully supporting your heart's desire.

 

You will be tested, but that is part of life. The wiggling wands will show up in the most unsuspected ways, like spontaneous knocks at your door that pull you away from your truest joy. Be your own world-class athlete and focus on shooting to score, in whatever way fills you with inspired grace.

 

Enjoy the gift of this day.

Parvati

 

PS: A reminder that Thursday is the deadline to submit questions for next week's Ask Parvati.

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 3: Facing Your Inner Saboteur

(Continued from "What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?")

 

The choices we have made over years have carved the lives we have today. Most of these choices were made unconsciously, until we wake up to the story of our lives. We all carry personal tendencies that shape the way we make our decisions. We can see these tendencies clearly in the way we reacted to our parents. Each one of us has unique interference patterns that thwart our joy. These interference patterns are like an inner saboteur that blocks our ability to live our greatest joy.

 

We all carry a saboteur within us until we find the courage to befriend ourself and get to know our shadows. When we befriend ourselves, we begin to listen to the full story of our lives: our hopes and dreams, and the scary, painful bits. If we are to fulfill our dreams, we must acknowledge our shadow, which has a huge impact on the shape of our lives. When we befriend ourselves, we listen to the little girl or little boy within that holds secrets to our unfulfilled desires. When we befriend ourselves, we hear our deepest joys and activate the inner courage to realize our true heart's desires.

 

An exercise that I include every day in my morning meditation practice helps me get in touch with my saboteur. After I have meditated for some time, I quietly breathe in the feeling, the sensation, the reality that all my heart's desires are fulfilled. When I first started to do this exercise, I got a sort of blank, "uh, I don't know", feeling. After some time, my surface joys started to appear. Then I met layers of frustrations, shame, fear, doubt, rage and pain that were blocking deeper joys. I sat with the interference for some time and allowed myself to welcome it all into my heart, realizing that the interference patterns were created by myself, so they could be healed by myself as well. I quietly watched and let them soften. No fighting.

 

After some time in this practice, deeper joys began to express themselves. I felt more abundance radiate through my being. I felt more possibility. I started to allow myself to fully feel what the realization of my joys would feel like, how that would affect every aspect of my life and how it would touch everyone in my life. I let myself expand into the fullness of my heart's desires.

 

I still do this every day. I love it. I find I learn new things about myself every day and feel it is one way I can get out of my own way so that my inner light can shine. I believe that this visualization is powerful. It helps us get in touch with our most authentic self and clear out gently, painlessly and completely the energies that stand in our way.

 

It is my belief that the universe patiently awaits us saying a whole hearted "Yes" to our self. All the help we need is right here, welcoming our fullest joy. I believe that the universe conspires not against us, but in support of us. When we say "Yes" to ourselves, we find all the support we need to realize our dreams.

 

This new year, consider saying "Yes" to yourself and your joys by incorporating this visualization - that all your heart's desires are fulfilled - for a few minutes every day into your life. If you like, keep a journal beside you as you do it so you may jot down what may arise. Go to the source of what you truly desire and get out of your own way so that you may realize it. This practice sets in motion, at a vibrational level, all the support required for your life to be just as you wish it to be.

 

May 2012 be your best year yet!

Many blessings to you,

Parvati

 

 

PS: The next Ask Parvati will appear on Sunday, January 8. To have your question included in the random draw, please send it to ask@parvatidevi.com by Thursday, January 5.

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 2: What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?

(Continued from "What motivates your choices?")

 

If we are to create the life we want, we must look within and understand our early childhood tendencies that stay with us until we learn different behaviour. When we explore how we felt as children, we tend to see patterns present in how we related to our mother and father. Our relationship with our mothers generally shape our patterns towards our inner world, the world of love, nurturing, self-care and sustenance. Our relationship with our father usually sets the stage for our relationship with our career and outer, social life.

 

When we take a look at what went on in our childhood, how we felt in relationship to each of our parents, we can see the early seeds for what drives our unconscious choices that created our current life. For example, we may have felt abandoned by our mother, so we tend to recreate, unconsciously, situations in which we do not feel supported or nurtured. Maybe we felt aggressed by our father, so we tend to attract work or society situations that are dissonant with who we are or even abusive. Or maybe we just feel unwelcome in our work environment and become an overachiever or workaholic. Every person again will be entirely unique.

 

If you feel you want to look at aspects of your early childhood, I found personal therapy very useful. Finding a skilled therapist is like finding a torch to help illuminate our path. They do not do the work for us. We do our own work. But when we go into our inner basement, it is useful to walk with someone who has done their own inner work and can help shed light on our findings so we may integrate and heal.

 

I also found a couple books in particular helped me touch places in my psyche's basement that I hardly knew existed. One is Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child. She suggests that many children tend to develop aspects of their personality in reaction to their environment, and as such, lose aspects of their true selves. Because we want to please mommy or daddy, we do something that is not in alignment with our highest self and develop tendencies that eventually sabotage our deepest joys. The book suggests steps to move towards understanding, grieving and healing.

 

I also feel a lot of respect and love for Wayne Muller's Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood. Muller suggests a gentle and mindful approach to uncovering our hidden scars, from which, we may find spiritual strength. This book is more spiritually driven, unlike Alice Miller's more psychological approach.

 

In order for us to make decisions that will inspire lasting change, we must understand the unconscious tendencies that affect our choices and bring them to the light. So ask yourself, What are my unconscious tendencies that may be blocking my joy? Do I easily feel like a victim? Do I feel unworthy? Do I feel thwarted by life so that I feel the need to fight back? Do I give up? What drives your choices?

 

Looking at our early tendencies will reveal our inner saboteur, the aspect of our shadow that stands in the way of our fullest joy. Tomorrow, we will look at this inner saboteur and will provide a powerful exercise I use every day to help realize your dreams.

 

(Continued tomorrow with "Facing your inner saboteur")

New Year's Resolutions: Fulfilling Your Heart's Desires - Part 1: What Motivates Your Choices?

Happy New Year!  May you experience the fulfilment of your deepest joys and true, heart's desires. For many, meeting our heart's desires may seem like trying to realize a fairy tale illusion, or trying to touch a mirage that always feels out of reach. Yet we often come to New Year's with hope that this year we will finally get the love we want, get that perfect job, make millions or experience glowing health. Whatever it is that you seek to bring fulfilment to your life, may you find it now and live it always. But how do you do that?

 

About nine years ago, I came across a hot-off-the-press book that greatly helped me get my life on track. It helped me stop trying to fulfill other people's dreams and helped me find the courage and get-up-and-go to start fulfilling my own. It is New York Times best selling author Debbie Ford's book The Right Questions. If you have not read it, I recommend you do. It is short, to the point and very useful.

 

In it, Debbie reminds us that where we are today is not the result of a single decision, but the result of repeated choices we have made over time, usually at an unconscious level. When we consider this, we may conclude that this could be a reason why many New Year's resolutions don't succeed. Perhaps, despite our best resolve, we find it hard to live the life we want because we have not been asking "the right questions" to help us understand the thoughts and choices that brought us to where we are today.

 

If we are to understand what drives our choices, we must look within. We must understand our fears, shame and doubts that thwart our ability to fulfill our dreams. Everyone will have different interference patterns that block their joy. We usually can see these patterns taking shape in our early childhood in relation to our primary caregivers. I do not believe it is wise to blame our parents for our current life. But exploring how we interacted with them will shine light on our unconscious tendencies that created our life today.

 

We all come to this planet with a predisposition towards certain tendencies. These tendencies will unconsciously drive all our choices until we wake up to the story of our life. When we explore our early relationships, we can see our tendencies. Any child would react differently in any given situation because we are all unique. Where one child would have fought back, another would have run to hide, and another would have not noticed any issue at all. How did you react to your early environment?

 

(Continued tomorrow with "What are the unconscious tendencies that affect your choices?")