Tantra Yoga: What's Sex Got To Do With It? - Part 1: Hatha and Tantra Yoga

“Yoga teachers and how-to books seldom mention that the discipline began as a sex cult — an omission that leaves many practitioners open to libidinal surprise.”

 

Before reading the above comment by William J. Broad in a recent New York Times article, I thought of the Times as a resourceful newspaper with trustworthy articles that were well researched. That quickly changed, and I reminded myself that reporters are mere mortals who do make mistakes.

 

I wrote about Tantra in a previous blog entry, as it is a long-standing interest and integrated part of my life. I felt called to share a bit more on the topic in response to the article linked above.

 

Quantum physics tells us that the “I” we hold onto so dearly is just an illusion. It tells us that in reality, everything is interconnected, not separate as we perceive it to be. It says that our life is more like a creative projection than hard, factual truth.

 

These thoughts are not the propriety of modern science, but are at the root of mystical traditions world wide, and at the heart of Tantra, a spiritual tradition that, not unlike its offshoot Hatha Yoga, is greatly misunderstood today.

 

Tantrism, which made its appearance around the middle of the first millennium AD, pioneered the view, that quantum physicists now support, that the body is not the source of defilement, nor the enemy of spirit, as some ancient religions preach, but part of a continual flow of consciousness.

 

As with many Sanskrit words, there are various meanings of the word Tantra. Some understand it to mean “to weave”, though more commonly, it is understood as derived from the word “tan” meaning to extend or to stretch. As such, Tantra is generally interpreted as “that which extends understanding” (“tanyate vistaryate jnananam anena”, Buddhist Guhya-Samaja-Tantra), promoting a continuum of reality.

 

This is also seen in Mahayana Buddhism’s famous Tantric phrase “samsara equals nirvana”, which means, the temporal world of phenomenon is equal to the transcendental state of being-consciousness-bliss. Enlightenment is not then about leaving the world or suppressing natural impulses, but an interconnection of a lower reality contained within a higher reality and a higher reality guiding and transforming the lower.

 

Tantra then is about the integration of the temporal self with the eternal Self. This is done through powerful spiritual practices and rituals that purify the body/being so yogis may experience oneness with the divine. Hence, the flowering of Hatha Yoga, a practice designed to purify the subtle channels within the body/being so that the divine may freely express itself through us.

 

Just as Siva, the Nata-Raja (Lord of the Dance) who is eternally dancing the universal rhythms, is the master weaver of time and space, Tantrics see life as an interweaving of spirit and matter as one continuum, not a collection of separate pieces of form that are set apart from the divine. Matter and the Divine are one. This viewpoint was quite unlike a popular point of view at the time of the birth of Tantra that saw the body in direct opposition to spiritual goals.

 

The Kularnava-Tantra, an important Hindu Tantric text, highlights the importance of the body:

 

“Without the body, how can the [highest] human goal be reached? Therefore, having acquired a bodily abode, one should perform meritorious actions. (I.18)

Among the 840,000 types of embodied beings, the knowledge of Reality cannot be acquired except through a human [body]. (I.14)”

 

(Continued tomorrow with Hatha Yoga, Sex Rituals and Tantra’s Shadow)

 

Ask Parvati 43: The Present Is The Present - Part 1: The Bounty of Boundaries

Problems May Actually Be Opportunities

Dear Parvati,

Someone said to me the other day that even the things about myself that I don’t like are actually gifts. How can this be true?

Sometimes it’s easier to learn about ourselves by observing others. I have found watching people in my life, (at times working my way though judgment, blame, anger, guilt, envy or jealousy - the whole range of emotions one can project onto another), I have been inadvertently taught by those around me.

Take one friend of mine, let’s call her Suzie. She is a wonderfully sensitive person who loves the arts, nature and has a real affinity for healing. She also is an addict. Suzie courageously goes to SLA meetings (sex and love anonymous) to face her co-dependency tendencies and to help her find the inner strength to look at and heal her addictive patterns. Through her friendship, I have found myself learning to be present for her ups and downs, finding new ways to express understanding, compassion and patience. I have also had a powerful mirror to face parts of my shadow, such as tendencies to judge, become self-righteous or impatient.

Recently Suzie and I were talking, when suddenly I found myself suggesting that I felt her addiction could be seen as a tool, or even a gift, along her spiritual journey. I have seen how her movement towards sobriety provides her with a great opportunity for self-discovery. I have also seen how her addiction has been the perfect soil in which she has had to learn to grow into fullness.

She is one of the most gifted people I have met in terms of sensitivity to the unseen. She feels energies, presences in people, plants and animals like few people I know. Yet she also has problems with boundaries. Perhaps her challenge with learning healthy boundaries has also left her more open to the unseen. As she learns to heal her tendency towards broken boundaries, not only is she becoming more capable of having healthy human relationships, but she is even more able to navigate the unseen.

Some may see Suzie’s addiction as a hindrance for her to find lasting love and healing. At one level, I would agree it is. It has brought her to her knees, broken her heart open and continues to challenge every part of her being to grow. Through her healing, something bigger is going on. By the very fact that she is challenged to find clear, powerful and subtle boundaries through her recovery process, her addiction has been the fertile ground in which she can learn the subtle skill to maneuver in the unseen world, and in turn, amplify her natural gifts and sensitivities there. Her addiction on one level is a problem and must be healed. Yet by embracing it as an opportunity, it becomes a gift that also empowers the evolution of her unique soul voice and natural gifts.

EXERCISE

We all have gnarly bits and negative tendencies that seem to create pain and havoc in our lives. What are yours? Are you willing to embrace them without judgment and somehow consider them gifts? What is your soul learning through them? By lovingly accepting your shadow, ask yourself how it can be seen as fertile soil for your unique soul growth. Make a list of your painful tendencies and see if you can dig deeper into you heart wisdom and see the gifts there.

More tomorrow with “Turning Drama Into Fierce Discernment”

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 5: Getting The Love You Need

GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED

(Continued from Getting The Love You Want)

 

 

Relationships are a path for personal growth. In my opinion, they can be a fast track way for spiritual growth. Perhaps some of you have had the experience of feeling great when you are on your own, but when you get into a relationship, all of a sudden you find out all sorts of areas for personal growth as your shadow gets provoked. None of that seemed to exist when you were on your own. So where did it come from? The ego assumes it must be your partner, so you conclude you're with the wrong partner. Truth is, these vasanas (or negative tendencies) were within you all along and have been simply triggered by the relationship.

 

Of course, it is healthy to be in a relationship where you find the support and safety you need to explore and ultimately release these vasanas. This is why a healthy relationship is more like a co-creative workshop for spiritual growth than a walk in the park. They amplify our shadow and our potential. They bring out hidden tendencies and show us who we truly are. When we are willing to accept the fuel for growth and let our ego guard down, the workshop begins to feel more like a walk in the park, as we become more spiritually fit.

 

I have had my fair share of a range of relationship experiences, some painfully scary and others tender and divine. In hindsight, I can see in that all the while, I was being taught exactly what I needed to learn in exactly the way I needed to learn it. Sometimes when we resist lessons, life heats up the teachings and we find ourselves in painful situations. The intensity of the lesson may be a measure of our resistance to learning and the hardness of our ego. If we meet a relationship with humility, these tough lessons soften and our learning and evolution increases.

 

I have found when I am willing to let go of the grip of my ego and live in service to the creative flow, this moment as it is right now, I touch a level of love and joy that is not conditional upon circumstance. This is something I can choose. I can tap into that flow at any time.

 

Our partners may push our buttons, but the buttons are ours. Our old patterns exist within ourselves. They are not found inside the other person.

 

I believe it is humbling and healthy to know that we will be triggered at some point or another until we reach enlightenment. The triggers persist because they are part of our attachments to “mine”, the part of the human psyche that divides and individuates. Similarly our partner has the same tendencies. When we understand this, we can soften to what may seem intense, unfair, or "against me" in the moment and open to a bigger picture. We can laugh more at our tendency to grasp and push. We can let go and flow with greater joy.

 

No one person, no matter how perfect, could fill up a hole in our psyche. In some sense, it is not even really fair to ask that of anyone. No one person could make our distorted perceptions right. Maybe by their not giving us what we feel we want in the moment, we go inside and find it from our capacity for self-love and from our relationship with the Divine. Maybe by not being given the exact right response that we feel we want in this moment to make life seem perfectly shiny, maybe we are being given the greatest gift we could get. In that moment, we see our attachments to how we want life to be, rather than how life is. In that moment, our “me-ness” cracks a little, and a fissure of light slips in. We can see, in perfect reflection, our wanting, how our ego wants things to be a certain way to feel temporarily loved.

 

In truth, we are always loved. Our perception of such gets eclipsed, and we forget. That is ok. When we don’t get what we want, we have a chance to see what we really need. We have an opportunity to turn our awareness to the reality that we are already whole, loved, connected and interconnected to an intelligent whole that is far greater than our limited ego or will. We just temporarily got caught up, in the smallness of “me” and forgot the expanse of “I Am”. Our partner too is part of that intelligent whole. And whether our partner knows it or not, he/she just gave us a gift back home, to the One undivided state of continual bliss. Not bad for a relationship, huh?

 

Today is the last day to submit your question to be answered for next week's blog. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com.

I will post a new blog topic in answer to one of your questions throughout next week starting this Sunday.

Thanks for reading!

Be well till then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 4: Getting The Love You Want

GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT

(Continued from Acceptance and Insight)

 

Intimate relationships can be complex. We say we want to find love, yet we are often attracted to people from whom we find it hard to get what we feel we need. Some psychotherapists suggest that unconsciously, we seek to fix the wounds of our childhood through our intimate partners. It is like we want our mummy or we want our daddy through them. In fact, certain theories suggest that our unseen wounds help us find our "perfect" match. The problem is, the person we find at first to be "perfect", turns out to re-enact the very pains we experienced as a child. One morning, we wake up to find that we are not in relationship with our ideal mate, but with a replica of our clingy mother or our aggressive father. Then we ask, how did we get here? Unhappy, we push against what we see and inadvertently move into power struggles, trying to fix the other person, who once seemed to fill us up just the way we needed. We think of breaking up and may even choose to do so. Or we choose silent resignation, because, unwilling to risk change, we sum up that this is just the way relationships are - tough.

 

We are told we cannot change the other person, but can only change ourselves. Then what are we to do when we find our partner is not who we thought them to be? Do we break up, time and time again, until we find the one perfect person, with whom we interact perfectly? In search for the ideal, life could soon feel like a never-ending chase for Mr. Perfect or Miss Right. So we ask ourselves, do we stay unhappy in power struggles or in silent resignation, saying this is just what couples do?

 

In the absence of what we feel we want from our significant other, we are offered a tremendous gift to find what we may truly need to become whole. We are offered something that does not exist outside of ourselves in another person, to touch something that comes uniquely from the infinite. We cannot find this perfection from another person, who is limited and not whole. We can find it through inner awakening, when we embrace the perfection of this moment, and reside in the expansive experience of being the very fabric of life itself: love.

 

"Okay," you say. "What does that mean? My partner still drives me crazy!"

I say, You are love.

You say, "But I don’t feel loved."

I say, How can you feel loved when you don’t experience yourself as love itself? How can something broken, truly feel whole? It is only in the receptivity to and the realization of wholeness that we can feel whole. One who feels he/she wants to be filled up, because he/she feels broken, will not be filled up, but will only find temporary fixes that soften the pain of separation from the One source of infinite love.

 

When we realize that what we think is love is not love but wanting, we start to find the love we always hoped to find. What we call love is often attachments to forms of emotional bartering. They are more like contractual arrangements to suit our limited ego perception of reality. As such, they are bound to leave us empty and wanting more.

 

When we don't find the love we want, we are called to remember that we are to return to the One, the permanent, undivided state with the source of life. When we don't find the love we want, we are called to remember that we are love. It is our attachment to illusion that makes us think anything else.

 

These illusions are part of psychological distortions we carry from previous incarnations. We then attract the perfect family to exacerbate our disconnected tendency, to help us see it, so we may release our attachment to it and return to love. As children, we were dependent on our imperfect parents for our needs. But they were not one with the pure source of love, so they were bound to err. We then take that personally as a sign that love is imperfect. So we seek to fix that in our intimate relationships, seeking a fix for a disconnected wound we have from childhood (and previous incarnations). This is why we unconsciously look for mummy or daddy in our partners, so we can fix that deep wound.

 

But ultimately, we come to see that mom and dad were imperfect and so are all humans. Our source of love cannot depend on others, because everyone is flawed. Everyone will let us down at some point or another, if we expect them to be perfect. We are imperfect. So are others. This is why we are called through intimate relationships to tap into the source of love we are, not try to "get love" from outside.

 

So at some point our "perfect" partner will not give us what we want and let us down. We could keep looking for someone who will. And maybe that next relationship would be good -- up until we face our own feeling of inner lack.

 

Relationships are not meant to bring us infinite happiness. Only we can give that to ourselves. They are not meant to give us all the love we need. Only we can tap into that ourselves. So then why be in a relationship?

 

We will look at that question in Getting the Love you Need in tomorrow's entry.

See you then,

Parvati

 

PS: Don't forget tomorrow is the last day to submit your question to be answered for next week's blog. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 3: Acceptance and Insight

ACCEPTANCE AND INSIGHT

(Continued from Acceptance Versus Resignation)

 

Let's look at a simple relationship example, perhaps one you have experienced before. Your partner wants to go to the movies. You really want to stay home and tackle some unfinished household chores you both have left lingering that weigh on you. You don't get how he/she could want to go to the movies when these chores are pending. He/she does not get why you are so fixated on chores when there is fun to be had.

 

This pattern has been going on for some time in your relationship. In fact, when the topic of movies comes up, you feel resentment. In your eyes, your partner wants to "goof off" -- sigh! -- again. You want to be practical and move forward, unburden your lives by facing things that need attention. You don't want distractions. You want action.

 

From your partner's point of view, you don't have enough fun. You are too serious, wanting to plan for the future rather than live for the now and go out on the town and have fun. He/she feels you don't go out enough, and he/she needs more lightness in the relationship. Staying home and doing chores feels too confining.

 

If you were to give in, perhaps you would just go to the movie, telling yourself that it makes him/her happy. But then you begin to linger in resentment, because the house remains unattended and your needs are not met. This is not a win-win. To me, win-lose exchanges in a relationship are ultimately lose-lose. It is one of the poisons leading to eventual relationship demise. They are to be avoided.

 

If you were to quietly sit down and discuss together the options that make both of you happy and try to find a compromise, you may agree to do chores for part of the day, then take a break and go to the movies. If you feel good about that and so does he/she, then you have found a win-win.

 

Beyond compromise, is the notion of acceptance. If you are aware that your partner has a tendency to, in your opinion, want to "goof off", you must ask yourself what is really going on. Acceptance is your best friend. You must accept that your partner has this tendency, which is different than yours. You don't necessarily like this tendency, nor do you want to encourage it, but you accept it. Accepting it does not mean that you give in, and only go to the movies. Accepting means that you understand you have divergent tendencies and that in the co-creative flow, in a life-affirming relationship, in the state of balance there is room for both. Both of you are imperfect and evolving.

 

Different people with diverging tendencies often get together to help balance each other out and encourage personal growth. That may be the case in this example. If you feel rooted, vital and expansive when you go out to the movies a little more often than you usually would, and have a happy helper to tackle household chores, then your reality has expanded thanks to your relationship. We must strive for that kind of partnership, where our relationships help to broaden our sense of reality and our sense of self to include a bigger picture of life, to enrich who we are.

 

When you accept a tendency in your partner that is divergent from yours, you begin to see a bigger picture and feel less personally attacked when you partner does something that would not be your first choice. If you accept his/her tendency, you will see that likely, this weekend, the topic of a movie or going out on the town will come up. Rather than having your feathers ruffled, you will see your partner doing his/her thing, as it is. It may be an opportunity to see life through different eyes. It does not become a personal attack on your need to tend to household chores. In that place of acceptance, you can remain calm, understanding and ultimately loving for the need your partner is expressing. In that place of calm, you can also clearly express your needs: that even though you enjoy movies, and you would be open to that, you also want to make sure it does not eclipse the practical need for chores. By accepting your partner, you are also accepting yourself. In so doing you begin to see your partner more clearly and you also share yourself more fully.

 

If the need to go to the movies is all your partner ever wishes for and he/she does not want to do household chores, you need to vocalize this misbalance. If there is no budge, then perhaps you need to make a decision if this relationship is right for you. You may simply want different things, have different life priorities and personal goals. There is nothing wrong with that. People can part ways amicably. In fact, that is a sign that a breakup is the resolving of some unfinished karma. If you leave angry, judgmental or resentful, the likelihood is, you will meet similar patterns in your next partner until these patterns are clear in you.

 

When you start to accept a tendency in your partner, you begin to see beyond the need to go to the movies, for example, as an isolated issue. You begin to inquire into and ask yourself (or your partner, depending on how open he/she is), Where does this desire come from? Is it an expression of his/her joy? Is it a diversion? Does it help bring you out of your shell because you are scared to let loose? Is it actually a way he/she hides from his/her fear of making commitments and building for your future? Does the tendency come from hiding or opening?

 

Acceptance creates a seedbed for insight to grow. When we accept what is, our consciousness opens to meet it. We can then see the moment in fullness, for what it is and make wiser, more compassionate choices.

 

With greater compassion and understanding, the next time the topic of the movie comes up, you see the bigger picture. You see your flow, you see his/her flow. You also know that there is a whole, supporting each one of you together and individually. There is balance somewhere, waiting for you, that you can invite in.

 

Part of this week's question was when do you know if you should stay in a relationship. Tomorrow we will look at Getting The Love You Want.

 

Enjoy the day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 4: Discernment

DISCERNMENT

(Continued from Gossip Hurts)

 

You ask, "Is there a way to know when someone is truly practicing satya or they just talk a good game?" We need to learn discernment along the spiritual path.

 

I originally wrote the text below for my Seeing Past the Shimmer blog entry, but feel it applies here too, so I share it with some slight modification:

I believe we are all a lot more alike than different. I would say that the light you see in your friend is a reflection of the light you see in yourself. Conversely, the shadow you sense in him/her is a reflection of your own discomfort with your own inner shadow.

Whether you are acquaintances or are best of friends, whether you hang out every day for the rest of your life or never see the person again, is secondary to the opportunity to grow from any encounter and deepen your own spiritual awareness. I would see this person as a gift from the universe for you to learn greater discernment, practice tuning into what you are feeling in the moment and act in a way that honours your inner voice.

 

Next time you are around a person and you question their sincerity, ask yourself:

• Do I feel expansive now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• Do I feel safe now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• What wonderful qualities do I see in this person? How are these aspects of myself?
• What can I not stand in this person? How are those aspects of myself?
• Can I allow myself to just be, and watch this person/situation as he/she/it is, without reacting?
• Does it feel rooted, vital and expansive for me to stay with this person now? If yes, stay. If no, go.

 

As a tool to learn discernment and develop compassion, I mention above to ask yourself in the moment if it feels rooted, vital and expansive to stay with that person or move along. This question is a powerful litmus test to see if the "good game player" side in you (in your words) is in fact masking your own shadow, as you hang out with someone who may be doing the same.

 

If it does feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay, then do so and fully relax and meet the moment in all its wonder. If it does not feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay and you choose to stay, then you too would be playing a "good game" by remaining. It is far more honest and compassionate to all involved (which includes you!) to kindly choose to interact no longer, wish the other well, and move on.

 

The gift here is in the power to discern what feels expansive and supportive for you and learning to accept both yourself and others exactly where you each are at. We don’t need to hang out with everyone, but I believe we are called to learn to love everyone, equally. By “love” I don’t mean a sentimental attachment, but a commitment to be real, honest, open, humble and courageous in this moment. By “love” I mean developing the state of witness consciousness, to see all of life… the beautiful, the painful, the glorious, the ugly… unfold as it is.

 

Love is like a flower that blooms in the fertile soil of self-love. As we learn to love ourselves exactly as we are, we become able to love others as they are by seeing through appearances and being present for what is, without judgment, attachment, fear, guilt or trying to change the outside world to suit our needs. In every moment we have the choice to embrace our evolution or resist it in some way. By rooting our actions in self-love, by practicing discernment through non-attachment, we can learn to cultivate timeless love and see beyond temporal, manufactured sparkles into eternal, expansive light.

 

WIshing you much joy on your continued path.

My next post will be on Sunday.

Be well until then,

Parvati

 

PS: Please send in your questions for this Sunday's post to ask@parvatidevi.com. Thanks in advance!

Ask Parvati 28: Enlightenment and Emotions - Part 6: Guidance from the Enlightened

PART 6: GUIDANCE FROM THE ENLIGHTENED

(Continued from The Rise And Fall Of Emotions)

“He who sees all beings in his own Self

and his own Self in all beings,

by virtue of that realization, feels no hatred.

He who has known that all beings

have become one with his own Self,

and he who has seen the oneness of existence,

what sorrow and what delusion can overwhelm him?”

- Isavasya Upanishad

We have explored this week the relationship between enlightenment and emotions. Enlightenment is a topic that is beyond most of us, as most of us are not enlightened. The masters show us the way through the perils of the mind and our tendency for attachment.

When we look at dealing with emotions along the path, we must remember that to feel better than or more evolved than another person, immediately lets us know that we are in our ego. The masters tell us that in an enlightened state, we would see all as divinity. There is no greater than or lesser than feeling in the divine.

We are human beings, sentient beings, returning to love. Emotions will come. Emotions will go. Until we are enlightened, we learn to witness them in ourselves and in others, without attachment. This is our practice until we are established in an open, flowing field of wisdom-compassion. We learn to respond to our emotions rather than react to them.

A friend of mine found out I was writing on this topic this week and sent me the most perfect quote from Amma, that I feel answers this week’s question perfectly. In the words of a true master, who resides in the One, Amma says:

“Enlightenment is not a rock-like state where one loses all inner feelings. It is a state of mind, a spiritual attainment into which you can withdraw yourself and remain absorbed whenever you want. After you tap into the infinite source of energy, your capacity to feel and express everything gains a special, unearthly beauty and depth. If an enlightened person wishes, he or she can express emotions in whatever intensity he or she desires.

Sri Rama cried when the demon king, Ravana, kidnapped his holy consort, Sita. In fact, lamenting like a mortal human being, he asked every creature in the forest, "Have you seen my Sita, where did she go, leaving me alone?" Krishna's eyes were filled with tears when He saw his dear friend Sudama after a very long time. Similar incidents are there in Christ's and Buddha's lives as well. These Mahatmas were as expansive as limitless space and therefore could reflect any emotion they wanted. They were reflective, not reactive.

Like a mirror, Mahatmas respond to situations with perfect spontaneity. Eating when you are hungry is a response. Whereas, eating whenever you see food is a reaction. It is also a disease. Responding to a particular situation, remaining unaffected by it and then moving to the next moment is what a Mahatma does.

Feeling and expressing emotions and honestly sharing them without reservation only adds to an enlightened being's spiritual splendor and glory. It is wrong to see that as a weakness. It should rather be considered as an expression of their compassion and love in a much more human way. Otherwise, how could ordinary humans understand their concern and love?”

May you witness the flow of your emotions and learn to rest in the field of true compassion for self and all beings. May you serve love by witnessing the ebb and flow of your thoughts and emotions. May you learn to love and serve the greatest good in all as you express presence by being in non-resistance to what is. May you move swiftly along your evolutionary path to enlightenment.

Parvati

PS: My next post will be this Sunday.

 

Ask Parvati 28: Enlightenment and Emotions - Part 5: The Rise and Fall of Emotions

PART 5: THE RISE AND FALL OF EMOTIONS

(Continued from Body, Mind, Emotion And Compassion)

“The single most vital step on your journey toward enlightenment is this: learn to disidentify from your mind. Every time you create a gap in the stream of mind, the light of your consciousness grows stronger. One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.” - Eckhart Tolle

Learning to witness is essential as we learn to let go of our identification with our ego and our emotions. On the journey towards enlightenment, we will experience periods when the mind is still and pure. In this state, we can witness and watch life from a place of spacious presence. Life arises. We witness. We are part of life, also dancing, yet still, watching the dance.

This space between thoughts is where truth lies. In this, is the eternal, the reality of existence, the enlightened presence. As we learn to meditate and evolve, we learn to find more space between our thoughts and emotions, so that the grip of our mind softens and our emotional flux becomes more balanced.

There is a reality that exists beyond our mind and beyond the up and downs of our moods and our feelings. This is an infinite space that is, that always has been. Our purpose is to rest in the fullness of that space and allow ourselves to be one with it. In that space is pure consciousness. All of life is pure consciousness arising, yet we think, we separate, we identify with our minds and allow our ego to control our life. We become constrictive and we lose sight of that space.

As we progress along the path to enlightenment, our emotions provide us with humbling guideposts, mirroring the way we identify with our mind. We learn how involved we are with the story, rather than witnessing what is in the space of fullness. When we are a witness, we are not cold, but warm, connected, and ultimately compassionate. Witnessing does not mean not having feelings, not expressing vitality and interconnection. Witnessing means remaining rooted in the expansion, even when experiencing potentially constrictive situations. We see the constriction. We understand it for what it is. It is identification with the temporal, with the mind, with the passing.

There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is passing. We feel happy, then we feel sad. But joy is connected to the infinite space beyond the mind, to the eternal voice of the soul as it expresses itself in this human form.

Enlightened masters tell us to watch the rise and fall of the mind, like the waves of the ocean. The waves are not the ocean, just the surface agitation. The ocean is deep, powerful and vast, just like the space beyond thoughts.

I would imagine that perhaps enlightened masters do not feel emotions the way we do, but rest in the field of pure compassion. Based on the scriptural reference in the Bhagavad Gita, I would guess that an enlightened being is beyond the rise and fall of emotion, as he resides in the all-pervading field of pure consciousness: “When you have reached enlightenment, ignorance will delude you no longer. In the light of that knowledge you will see the entire creation within your own Atman and in me.” - Bhagavad Gita 4:35

Along our path to enlightenment, we learn to respond to, rather than react to emotions, until we are in a oneness state of pure consciousness, residing in pure compassion. Until such time, we witness the rise and fall of our emotional landscape, like waves upon an ocean. As we watch the waves, even delight in their dance, we remember that we are as vast as the ocean and as open as the sky.

(Continued tomorrow with Guidance From The Enlightened)

REMINDER: Don’t forget that today submissions are due for this week’s Ask Parvati blog. Send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com

 

Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 5: Helping Versus Enabling

PART 5: HELPING VERSUS ENABLING

(Continued from Getting Help)

For those who love a person who struggles with addiction, it is so very painful to see. Ultimately, we too need to admit that we are powerless over the addiction. We want to help. We see those we love in pain. We want to take that pain away. But we cannot make changes for anyone but ourselves. It is often hard enough to make changes for ourselves. We are powerless to make the changes for those we love.

Often addicts find themselves close to people that enable. Enablers are harder to see sometimes than addicts, because enablers seem kind and helpful. They are ever wiling to help, cover up, make excuses, clean up the mess, tippy-toe around addicts. There is a powerful yet very subtle ego force at play with enablers. They are doing “good deeds”, so they are “good” people, “helping” those “poor souls” with the problem. But they have a problem too.

Unfortunately, too often these good intentions end up feeding addiction and not in any way helping. Because addiction is based on consumption and wanting, it is insatiably hungry. It needs attention. It needs to ingest, to buy, to take, to feed. It feeds on attention as well. When we tippy-toe around it, the addiction energy feels powerfully important. When we cry for it, yell at it, rage at it, pray for it, plead with it, fight it, we are in fact feeding the addiction.

Tough love, clear boundaries and a no-nonsense attitude are the only way to be around anyone with addiction. Whether you are around someone with an addiction or whether you are questioning whether you yourself are an addict, a powerful tool is to ensure that your actions and your words are in alignment. Those with addictions are used to spin doctoring, twisting the truth, or outright lying to try to get their way, to try to satiate their feeling of wanting, to get the hit their disease needs.

This does not mean we need to be cold or cruel. Tough love means being rooted, clear and strong. And in fact, these are also qualities that you can find in compassionate action. When we are sentimentally involved, we become entangled. When we are compassionate, we are a clear witness to what is: present, open, available, but rooted in self-love. We must stay rooted in who we are and what we want from our lives, because we can easily get sucked into the vortex of addiction. Addiction has a gravitational pull. If we are too close and not grounded, soon we will get sucked into the drama too.

We must stand at a safe distance from someone with an addiction, be present for ourselves, available to support him or her, and get on with our own life. Ultimately, we can change ourselves. We cannot change anyone else. Too often our lives get put on hold while we focus on trying to fix the one with the problem, not realizing that in fact, we too have a problem.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Sobriety begins with taking a step towards self love, self worth, valuing yourself enough to let go of things that drag you down. People who are not addicts have the brain chemistry to know the difference between habits that are not useful and habits that are. Addicts have a harder time with that and must learn this discernment. The brain is plastic and can change. New habits are possible. Health, sobriety and a life that works are possible for everyone, even for an addict. As for everyone, we must be willing to admit we have a problem, look at our shadow and embrace the fullness of who we are.

EXERCISE
1) Are there addicts in your life that you are enabling?

2) In which way have you allowed someone’s addiction to rule your life?

3) What do you need to do to take the self-loving steps to focus on your own life?

4) If you find it hard to separate yourself from an addict, perhaps because you feel guilty, then you need professional help. You likely need to go to Al-Anon and/or work with a professional therapist that specializes in addiction.

REMINDER: Don’t forget that today submissions are due for this week’s Ask Parvati blog. Send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com

(Continued tomorrow with We Attract What We Know)

Ask Parvati 25: Depression and Despair - Part 2: Witnessing Despair

PART 2: WITNESSING DESPAIR

(Continued from Depression and Despair)

Whether we see it or not, we are constantly held within an intelligent, loving whole. We are not isolated islands, but vast interconnected beings. When we are depressed, we are temporarily unable to sense this interconnection. Masked by heavy clouds, we cannot see the light of the sun. All we see are the clouds. By contrast, when we are despaired, we are temporarily unwilling to see the sun, attached to the heaviness of the clouds. Our focus has locked on the clouds and all we believe to be real are those clouds. We have eclipsed the sun.

 

Through exploring my own emotional landscape, I have found that despair involves a giving up, a self-pity, an implosion, a co-creation with an impossibilities dynamic that pulls me away from my truest magnificence. Despair is like the kryptonite on our I Am journey. It pulls us into a black hole of nothingness that envelops the force of life.

I do not believe that there ultimately is any real benefit to the feeling of despair, other than courting interference and hindering our evolution. When we feel despair, we need to learn to see it as it is, like a trick in our consciousness that convinces us that something unreal is real. We need to accept despair as it is, while being rooted in the understanding that it is passing illusion. We learn to not fight it, push or pull at it. We learn to greet this moment in all its fullness just as it is. We learn to witness despair and allow it to release, without giving it undue energy. Eventually, the temporary spell of despair will pass if we are willing to see beyond that perspective and open to other possibilities.

Other than this mindful understanding of despair, and looking into why we feel that way, healing when we feel despair involves activation, like jumping up and down, going for a walk, looking at the trees, seeing a bigger picture. When we feel despair, we have given up on the goodness of life. Life has shrunk down to the size of our own self-importance, which at this time is convinced we suck and are worthless. We have lost the big picture. We have bought into the temptation to feel disconnected and hard done by.

When despair knocks at our door, we can welcome it, just like any other emotion, without attachment, without judgment. We watch our feelings, just like any other. There is nothing gained by judging them and saying to ourselves that we have failed or that we are bad. We learn to witness these feelings, just as they are.

When we witness things as they are, we do not add any story to what is. Despair simply is. We are co-creating with impossibilities and erroneous perceptions. We learn to not add any additional information that supports the feeling of despair. Instead, we patiently, quietly, sit and watch as the clouds of despair slip by, instead of trying to wrestle with them, or instead of crumpling into a pile of hopeless because we feel we can’t “get rid of them” while they remain in the sky. We learn to witness what is and know that these feelings will shift. Whatever is the emotional trigger for our temporary sense of despair will eventually pass. With quiet wisdom and self-compassion we will find a sense of internal space. When we are willing to give ourselves the gentleness, the love and the understanding we need, we will shift and the sun in our lives will once again shine.

 

 

(Continues tomorrow with Depression: Beyond The Veil And Into The Cave)

 

Ask Parvati 19: What Is Home? Part 5, Finding Home in Non-Resistance to What Is

 

WHAT IS HOME? PART 5: FINDING HOME IN NON-RESISTANCE TO WHAT IS

(Continued from What Is Home? Part 4: Home In The Vertical Hour)

 

These days, home for me has everything to do with non-resistance to what is. People have been asking me, especially as I have been blogging about it recently, what does it mean to be non-resistant to what is? To me, it has a lot to do with the “vertical hour”, the feeling of home being now.

 

When I feel unsettled, or somehow not quite in the flow, I realize that in some way, I am in resistance. So I go inside and practice non-resistance to what is. As with all things wise, it is really simple, though takes skill and practice. Here is what I do. Give it a try if you like.

 

Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, if I notice I feel disconnected I immediately pause. I notice that I feel unsettled and begin my non-resistance practice. I start simply, with just looking at my surroundings, and noticing what I see. I just watch, without adding stories to things. For example, I see a tree out the window. I just watch it. I notice the tree, the dancing leaves, the light and the colour. I just notice. Should I hear a car drive by, I just notice it. I hear it drive towards me then pass me. So it is. I notice it.

 

Then I feel my body within my surroundings. If I am sitting, I feel my body on the chair. If I am lying, I feel the weight of my body towards the ground. I just notice how I feel. I notice the softness or hardness of the surface supporting me.

 

Then I draw my attention to my breath. What does it feel like? I breathe in. I breathe out. I move my awareness inward and just notice. I feel the quality of breathing. Is it heavy? Is it light? Is it easy? Is it restricted? What is going on?

 

In this, everything begins to settle and I feel not limited to my thoughts, to the sense of being separate in a body. I begin to feel divisiveness dissolve, replaced by energy, flow and abundance. I feel connected and interconnected. I feel flow. I just stay with that, watching.

 

When I start to think about what I will have for dinner, or if I will get that call, or whatever, I notice I am going into thinking and simply and gently bring my attention back to the feeling of being rooted and expansive, here and now.

 

From this place of expansion, I am guided to the next steps in my life, without having to push, manipulate, fear or control. Life arises in each moment. All is unfolding in balanced perfection. All I have to do it get out of the way and enjoy being here, being now, being home.

 

May all beings feel at home.

May all beings feel home now.

May all beings feel home in all that is.

 

Parvati

 

 

 

Ask Parvati 17: Standing Your Ground, Part 3: Witness, Release

 

PART THREE: WITNESS, RELEASE

 

(Continued from: Standing Sacred Ground)

 

When we feel rooted, vital and expansive, our feet are like magnets that anchor us to the Earth, which in turn feeds us, supports us and gives us the foundation we need to build our lives. We then can receive the support we need to remain present, within ourselves, sensing our inner being for what we feel, what we need, how to move in each moment. We are connected.

 

From this vantage point, the person with whom we felt we needed to stand our ground becomes an opportunity to let go of feeling attacked, of feeling separate, of feeling unloved and unsupported. They become our teacher.

 

By practicing three simple steps when we feel attacked, scared or triggered, we can unwind our reactive tendency to defend, and learn to retrain our brain to see life from a whole new perspective.

 

Step One: Understanding

 

Understanding is our first step in moving from a fear-driven life to a life rooted in love and trust. When we understand the nature of the impossibilities, we understand that our reactivity and our defensiveness come from a limited sense of reality. When we react and are defensive, we are not seeing the whole picture. By having a limited perspective, we are short-changing ourselves of the fullness of this moment. We understand that what we see is a sort of mirage or illusion, like reflected light upon the sand looking like water. When a cloud covers the sun, we may only see the cloud, but we still know that the sun is still there, shining as bright as ever.

 

Step Two: Witness

 

Our second step in letting go of reactivity and defensiveness is learning to witness what is. When we learn to see things as they are without attaching an additional story over it, we free ourselves from becoming dramatically wrapped up in our perceptions and those of others. We begin to free ourselves of the grip of the ego and live in service to the flow.

 

Step Three: Release

 

Step three, release, happens as a result of step two. When we begin to see things as they are, we experience a letting go of the tendency to want to defend, to control, to see ourselves as separate. We realign ourselves with a much greater whole, of which we are a part.

 

Next time you find yourself feeling reactive, or having your buttons pushed, see if you can practice these three simple steps to keep you feeling rooted, vital and expansive:

 

1) Understanding

2) Witness

3) Release

 

(Concludes tomorrow: Yoga, Ground, Rebound)

 

Ask Parvati 6 - Seeing Past the Shimmer: Discernment on the Spiritual Path

Seeing Past the Shimmer: Discernment on the Spiritual Path

April 3, 2011

Thank you for all the questions submitted this past week. In this week's blog, we take a look at the shadow of spiritual seekers. Please send your questions to be picked for next week’s topic to ask@parvatidevi.com by Thursday, April 7.

If you have not yet done so, please listen to the meditation for Japan that I recorded recently to support those in need. I am grateful for your help in passing it on.

Peace,

Parvati

Dear Parvati,

I have a friend that I find confusing. She is sweet, an active spiritual seeker who volunteers and seems to care for others. But when I am around her, I feel uneasy. When I ask myself why, I feel in my gut that I can’t trust her. She seems spiritually wise, so I find it hard to understand the reaction I have. My gut tells me she is hiding something, like she is not what she seems. How can you tell when a person is truly the light they project or is shining light as a decoy to nasties in their personal basement?

The Shadow of the Spiritual Seeker

Thank you for this question. When I lived in India for a year where I eventually met my guru, I was known for saying that I was seeking yogis, not bogies. As they say, not all that shimmers is gold. And the world of a spiritual seeker is no exception. There are a lot of self-proclaimed prophets who are attached to power rather than learning to serve. As spiritual aspirants we need to learn to discern the fool’s gold from the real gems.

Sometimes people think being spiritual is being a Pollyanna, pretending to be perfect and ok with all that comes, while really feeling in knots on the inside. I am sure you have heard people say “it’s all good”, when you can see terror in their eyes, glazed by a thick dose of denial.

Other people misinterpret the spiritual phrase “we each are expressions of the Divine” and begin to think of themselves as gods, rather than energies in respectful and humble service to a wise, potent, co-creative, flowing force with immensity beyond our wildest imagination.

Thinking of yourself as either better than or worse than another is an expression of the ego and is an easy pitfall for anyone. I find the power of discernment, rather than judgment, to be a key tool on my spiritual journey. It fills me with the possibility to witness that which is, rather than separate myself from the moment and impose my own story on it. I can pause, enquire, feel, explore and see, before I act. Judging something closes my mind to it, whereas discernment supports my choice to co-create with energies that amplify the presence of I AM consciousness. Out of guilt, self-pity, loneliness or fear I may allow myself to get pulled into energies that are tricky and pull me off path. Discernment helps me see that.

Each one of us has a unique life force that flows through us. We each are the gatekeepers of that life force. When we experience energies that do not expansively support that life force, it is healthy to say no to them. It is essential to remember that everything that happens in our life is an opportunity for us to grow. That which we see in another is a reflection of ourselves. That which we cannot stand in another we cannot stand in ourselves. That which makes us judge another is some thing we judge in ourselves.

Trickiness Disguised as the Light

Here is a little anecdote to which you may relate:

I feel I have known Stephanie before. Perhaps it is a past life thing, or perhaps because I feel I have met many people like her on the spiritual path. On this journey to help heal the planet, it is no coincidence that I would meet a woman with such beauty that seems on the same wavelength but also seems to carry a darkness that I sense could act out hurtfully at any moment.

Having sought the Divine through drugs and alcohol, she came to yoga, meditation and healing naturally through her own painful journey. Born out of necessity, she is a good healer. But she must manage her shadow moment to moment lest it take over. When things don’t go her way, she explodes into temper tantrums and exhibits powerful rage. Yet once the heat has passed, she has forgotten all about it, as though it never happened.

In the minds of many people like Stephanie, it never really did. Deeply attached to her self-perception as a spiritual person, in denial about the depth of her own pain, she uses her spiritual insight and energy to try to control the moment, rather than humbly meeting it, because she is too afraid to see her own vulnerability and lack of control, and touch her inner wounds.

We all have an aspect of Stephanie in us but to varying degrees. Some people live by denial and don’t even know it has become their core identity. I have met very few people who I would say are evil. But I have seen evil energy come charging through people, even those I have called friends. Such is the risk when one opens, when one seeks. One must be ultimately discerning on the spiritual path.

Just because a person has a guru, and feels they are committed to the light, does not mean that they will act in righteous ways. I have seen practicing yogis and healers fly into a rage when their buttons get pushed, toke up before teaching a yoga class, eat a hamburger before giving a lecture on the necessity of being vegetarian. It takes a certain fierce courage to be willing to face one’s ego and meet the moment as it is, not as we want it to be. It is a kind of death, a death of the temporal to be born again into the infinite. A real gem of a spiritual aspirant will not be overly shiny, but will radiate a warm humility, a potent kindness, a strong, inner steadiness and fierce dispassion. By resting in vast stillness, the infinite light shines through.

Spin Doctors and ego tricks

The ego is a tricky place. It only seeks self-service. As such, it is a voracious consumer and life force constrictor. It can be trickiest to see the ego in people who are spiritually minded. Having adopted a certain skill in the unseen, it is easy for people with spiritual knowing to learn how to manufacture perceptions that manipulate and twist reality to suit their own shadow. They know how to turn situations around to make it seem like it is you who is off path. This is a powerful aversion technique, and sadly, it is really they who most lose out. Through manipulation and often heavy doses of denial, the opportunity to look within is side-stepped. I call these people Spin Doctors.

To help avoid this shadow tendency, yogis are classically taught by an enlightened guru who has the fierce ability to mould the aspirant’s consciousness so they may have purity of heart and use subtle spiritual power only for the good of all. Many spiritual aspirants are unaware that they use spiritual energy to amplify their ego attachments. Learning to navigate through that tendency is part of an ongoing aspect of spiritual maturation. Our shadows lie dormant in the corners of our personalities until situations that push our buttons and go against our will activate them, giving us a chance to see them, if we are humble and courageous enough to do so.

A Call to Compassion

I believe we are all a lot more alike than different. I would say that the light you see in your friend is a reflection of the light you see in yourself. And the shadow you sense in him/her is a reflection of your own discomfort with your own inner shadow.

Whether you are acquaintances or are best of friends, whether you hang out every day for the rest of your life or never see the person again, is secondary to the opportunity to grow from this now and deepen your own spiritual awareness. I would see this friend as a gift from the universe for you to learn greater discernment, practice tuning into what you are feeling in the moment and acting in a way that honours your inner voice.

Next time you are around this person, ask yourself:

• Do I feel expansive now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• Do I feel safe now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• What wonderful qualities do I see in this person? How are these aspects of myself?
• What can I not stand in this person? How are those aspects of myself?
• Can I allow myself to just be, watch this person/situation as it is, without reacting?
• Does it feel rooted, vital and expansive for me to stay with this person now? If yes, stay. If no, go.

As a tool to learn discernment and develop compassion, I mention above to ask yourself in the moment if it feels rooted, vital and expansive to stay with that person or move along. This question is a powerful litmus test to see if the sparkly, Pollyanna side in you is in fact masking your own shadow, as you hang out with someone who may be doing the same. If it does feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay, then do so and fully relax and meet the moment in all its wonder. If it does not feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay and you choose to stay, then you too would be playing the shimmer game by remaining. It is far more honest and compassionate to all involved (which includes you!) to kindly choose to interact no longer, wish the other well, and move on.

The gift here is in the power to discern what feels expansive and supportive for you and learning to accept both yourself and others exactly where you each are at. We don’t need to be friends with everyone, but I believe we are called to learn to love everyone, equally. By “love” I don’t mean a sentimental attachment, but a commitment to be real, honest, open, humble and courageous in this moment. By “love” I mean developing the state of witness consciousness, to see all of life… the beautiful, the painful, the glorious, the ugly… unfold as it is.

Love is like a flower that blooms in the fertile soil of self-love. As we learn to love ourselves exactly as we are, we become able to love others as they are by seeing through appearances and being present for what is, without judgment, attachment, fear, guilt or trying to change the outside world to suit our needs. In every moment we have the choice to embrace our evolution or resist it in some way. By rooting our actions in self-love, by practicing discernment through non-attachment, we can learn to cultivate timeless love and see beyond temporal, manufactured sparkles into eternal, expansive light.

The Presence of Challenging People In Our Lives

THE PRESENCE OF CHALLENGING PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES

We all meet people or experience circumstances in life that we find challenging. How we deal with those situations is a reflection of our rootedness in spiritual teachings. There are people in my life that I find challenging. Some friends have suggested that it seems a strange choice for me to maintain contact with these people, perhaps causing myself undue stress. I see things differently. Rather than seeing these people as doing something “to me” from a place of againstness, I choose to open to the experiences as a way to witness my own reactions, release painful habits, find inner space, and expand to meet the moment.

This story illustrates this well. There once was a great master who was leaving his village to meditate in isolation in the mountains for some time. The master said he would take someone with him to assist the journey. Many of his devoted students hoped that the saint would choose them for the special trip. But to everyone’s surprise, the master chose the most unlikely person in the village to accompany him: the pesky chai boy that ran the local tea stall. Due to his brusque manner and rough actions, the local community found this boy to be a difficult person. As the master and the boy prepared to leave for the trip, the baffled students approached their teacher to better understand his choice. “Master”, they asked, “why did you choose this annoying boy over all of us who have been devoted to you for so many years?” The master smiled and quietly answered: “This boy is my teacher. He teaches me humility, patience and compassion. Through him, I learn to see God everywhere.”

A traditional Tibetan shrine has an offering on it to feed hungry ghosts, the lost, roaming spirits of the universe, unable to meet the riches of this moment. This gesture is practiced as a sober reminder of what we could be, yet where we choose not to go.  When we align with our dharma through understanding righteous action and our soul purpose, we train ourselves to find spacious possibility when faced with dense constriction.

It is a natural, human reaction to experience stress, resistance and constriction when we are faced with people and situations that annoy us and push our buttons. We usually blame or judge another for their behaviour, making ourselves feel separate and even temporarily better than another. We distance ourselves from the circumstance, feeling somehow more clever than even Nature itself. Our ego, for the moment, has had an injection of self-serving, limited power that tells us we are good. Yet soon, we will experience a similar situation with a similarly irritating person and we will need to again, judge, blame and take a similar shot of a temporary ego-high to disconnect from the moment and find relief. Yet no lasting solution has been found to either free us from being in a challenging situation or free us from our buttons being pushed again.

Because we tend to experience life through the lens of our limited ego that only knows to divide, separate and categorize, we are conditioned to see things as happening “to” us until we learn otherwise. When we experience something we feel is bad, we tend to feel against it, as though it were an attack on our very being. We can feel, however unconsciously, that life is punishing us in some way, because we are unloved. These twisted roots of perception run deep in the human psyche. We fight what is rather than seeing the present moment as a consequence of our own karmic tendencies, lovingly offering us all we need to learn to evolve to the next stages in our unique soul journey.

From a yogic perspective, all that we experience is a result of our own state of consciousness. Painful experiences are the fruit of distorted perceptions and our own cloudy consciousness. As we refine our ability to truly perceive through the release of the lens of our ego-mind, our true, natural state, being one with pure consciousness, begins to expand. Actions then arise from clarity, releasing the experience of pain. Rather than our life being a consequence of distortions, which create more distortions, we begin to experience life an expansive opportunity for deeper awakening and joy. With openness and ease, we meet all of life as it is, rather than reacting to situations, seeing them as against us.

Take a moment to find your breath. Perhaps throughout the rush of this day, your awareness of this powerful life pulse has been masked by your attachment to the events of the day. Three deep breaths allows us to once again find inner space and begin to gain more perspective on what we are experiencing. One… deep… breath. Another… deep… breath. One more deep breath. Yes.

Then see if you can remember a situation or person that you found challenging. See if you can see this challenging situation or person from the vantage point that this moment is not happening “to” you. It simply is. Remind yourself that any sense of disconnection, separation from this moment, comes from a distorted sense of reality that only knows how to live through being separate. It continues, the more we feed it. So if you choose to feed it now, that suffering will just keep growing.

Instead, see if you can see this situation as the result of your own past actions. This may feel at first like a thought you want to resist. “What? This situation sucks! If I allow myself to see this as a reflection of my actions, then that would mean I suck!” This is a natural reaction, a way to protect our attachment to our ego and feeling separate. But remember, the notion of separation perpetuates suffering. So it is a good to soften here and let the grip of this kind of reaction loosen and ease.

Again, contemplate that this situation, all that you experience and see, is a result of your past actions. This ultimately is great news. If it is a result of your past, then you were part of co-creating it. Therefore, you can be part of co-creating change. The more alert and open you become, the more able you are to transform this experience of suffering into your natural state of spacious, pure consciousness.

What happens once you begin to expand your sense of awareness, rather than close? You gain greater insight. You see more. You experience more. You can begin to see into what really is. Say you remember an encounter with someone angrily yelling. You notice your immediate reaction to become tense and closed. You see what seems like danger. You want to shut down. Why do you see the angry person as danger? Perhaps they are yelling at you. This does not feel good, so you want to leave. Leaving is an option, but first, let us meet this moment.

You go deeper, and you see that this person yelling makes you feel unloved. It is this feeling unloved that signaled danger. We have primal wiring that tells us that we are dependent on our parents love to sustain us. We also have primal wiring that tells us to run when we meet a lion in the jungle. But is either of these situations true in this moment? Is this person a dangerous lion threatening our existence? Is this person a parent upon whom we are dependent? Is this person the source of love or of life? Likely this person is not a lion. So we can check that one off. If we go deeper, we see that no one person is the source of our love, no matter how close we may be to that person. Love comes from all, through all, in all. It is everywhere, always, even in the midst of an angry, emotional storm. Go deeper and you will find connection to that love that is so much bigger than this one, temporary experience. Maintain this big picture.

Breathing, allow tension to soften. More rooted in the big picture, you open more to also notice how the angry person is emitting more than anger, but deep, painful feelings. You know painful feelings. You can relate. No longer something foreign that you need to eject, you can understand more where this person is at and why they may be reacting this way. At the very least, you can see pain, and you understand the helpless feeling when you are faced with overwhelming pain. Within the sphere of mindful witnessing, you feel closer, less separate from what is. You have touched the heart, human connection.

Looking closer, you see how tense this person’s body has become. You see how much pain they are in. You see the disconnected state they are in. You then begin to realize that if you disconnect and react to their anger, you are adding fuel to a painful fire. You realize that would not cease the pain but only create more pain. Like reacting to a drowning person by jumping in with them, you would be two drowning people.

Going deeper, you see that this person’s expression of pain is a call for love. In this moment, this person does not feel connected to love. This person does not feel loved. You know this place. You know this pain. You also know that you are not the source of their love, just as they are not the source of yours. Quietly, you watch, breathing, feeling spacious. Quietly you witness this push-pull within them, this grasping at the notion of not being loved, and the pain it causes. You understand. You witness. You feel connected. But you are on the shore, rooted in the dharma of witness consciousness.

A feeling of spacious compassion arises, and you are present. You are not the source of love, but by being present, you can rest in the source of love, pure consciousness arising. When one is attached to the feeling of personal lack, the way one feels when they are taken over by such active pain, the greatest healing you can offer is presence. No one can fill the hole of deep pain, but the loving consciousness found in the energy of life itself can heal it. As you choose to rest here, you offer the other the greatest healing possible. You are a portal for transformation. You rest in who you are. You offer a quiet, humble reminder of what is. It is up to the other to choose to step out of the whirlwind they are creating and open. Presence is the healing you bring. By acting consciously, not only do you help to release the tendency to meet painful situations such as these that are the result of your own cloudy conscious behaviour from the past, but also you help to ease suffering in another by not adding unconscious fuel to their unconscious fire. In this, everyone wins.

Even broader still, by meeting this moment as it is, you send out a deep state of receptivity for peace and harmony that goes beyond this one incident. You signal to the universe that you are open, ready and willing to release all limited states of consciousness in you that perpetuate these kinds of painful situations. By learning to be present when faced with challenging people, you become a peaceful warrior, and a transformative alchemist of light and love in the midst of pain.

Practicing presence will ease most challenging situations. It is essential, however, to note that being present does not mean being roadkill, passively taking on hurtful behaviour. If you find that, despite your being present, another’s painful expressions continues, leaving the situation may be expansive. No one benefits if you find yourself exhausted or energetically depleted by a challenging circumstance. Sometimes people can become so attached to pain they can be addicted to drama and the erroneous perception of being disconnected. When faced with such deep pain, being present may lead us to removing ourselves from the immediate vicinity of these people, until they have become more balanced. There is no benefit to anyone when we sacrifice our own well-being to “help” another. This is no help at all. When we lose consciousness of our inner spaciousness in the moment, we too are in pain. We have become like the rescuer on the shore who has jumped in to save the person, jeopardizing our own safety. One must practice staying present.

In my life, meeting challenging experiences with presence is a test of my spiritual progress. Though I don’t welcome the painful behaviour in people in my life that can push my buttons, I do practice receiving the moment just as it is. When I do that, I find that there is room within this moment for it all: my feelings, my response and understand the other. I can see in the other, just like on the Tibetan shrine, the hungry ghost howling and human pain expressed. I know these places in myself. Through understanding our similar human tendencies, separation subsides. I rest within a broad knowing that all that is is held within a vast expanse of pure consciousness. And all this is teaching me, showing me how to evolve. Maintaining that big picture is essential to being present when faced with challenging people or circumstances. Like being around a drowning person, we need to maintain both feet solidly on the shore, lest we get pulled in. That shore is the rootedness of the teachings that show us that all human emotions and distorted states of consciousness are temporary. Any kind of perceived attack or sense of abandonment is an illusion. All that is in this present moment is absolute perfection. Rooted in this knowing, witnessing and true service can take place. In this state, I can see that deep aggregates from the human psyche have come to the surface to be released, both in the other, and in myself. The gift of presence, in all circumstances, offers all beings an opportunity to find lasting freedom from the painful cycle of suffering.

May all beings everywhere be free.

Lokah samastha sukhino bhavantu.

Jai Ma,

Parvati