Finding Compassion For Those Who Hate

When you put yourself out there, share your heart and voice with the world, there will inevitably be those who love you, those who hate you and those who just don’t care. Being on the spiritual path, I find this to be an excellent teacher and a perfect ego grinder, because whatever people think of me, it does not matter. Of course, my ego says, I would love everyone to like me. But I have no control over what people think and do, or how people judge. I can only do my best, love as best I can and humbly continue to open to each moment and learn the lessons each one brings. In the end, what matters most is my relationship with the divine, which affects how I treat others and myself. What is essential, lasting and true is that I practice seeing the divine in all, even in those who may not like me.

It is hard to understand the motivation of hate, but in essence, we all have the capacity for it. No one is immune to its seduction. When I am lucidly honest with myself, I can openly say that I have felt it rise in me and take me over. I have felt its burn singe my heart. I have fallen into the indulging thrill and delusional self-importance that it conveniently provides. I have felt pumped up, important and proud through it. And I have also felt immensely alone and in pain because of it.

It is hard when we fall out with someone we once called a friend. It is extra hard to see someone close turn into someone who expresses hatred toward us. Hopefully, we do our best to understand each other, talk about the misunderstandings, heal, make amends and return to love. But without both parties being willing to return to a place of humility, little healing can take place. Walls are built, misunderstandings grow and pain festers. Whether friends or strangers, people who do not like us are still our valuable teachers. They teach us what Amma asks us to embody: “Progress is being made when you can retain evenness of mind in the face of praise and shame, honor and dishonor.”

I recall an encounter that reminds me of this. As I watched spiteful venom come my way from people I had considered friends, I had to take pause and witness the propulsion of pain. I noticed that I did not feel hatred towards them. After I worked through my initial shock and hurt at meeting this kind of dark energy, I found myself watching others hold onto their pain as they seemed to wish it upon others. I noticed that ultimately, it seemed they just wanted to feel loved, but were going about it in an upside-down manner. They were indirectly asking for love through hate, which simultaneously was pushing love away.

In that moment, I understood their suffering. By holding onto and identifying with their pain, the people they were hurting most was themselves. Amma says, “When you harm anyone, you harm everyone, especially your own self.” It was clear they were just in pain, and no amount of painful thoughts from me projected their way was going to help them, or me. I did not want to add more pain to the fabulous job they were already doing to themselves.

Amma advises, “Communication begins when you fully understand the other person's point of view.” What was the other people’s point of view? They were hurting and felt I was the source of that hurt. No apology was helping, no reaching out was received, no healing was of interest. They seemed attached to feeling “right”, hard done by, and wanted to hold onto their sense of hurt. With one party unwilling, there could be no discussion. So their pain continued. But I did not need to hold on. So I walked away and still wish them well. Amma says, “If you cannot speak with love and respect, wait until you can.” In the case of haters, the best option is silence.

The exchange was ultimately a gift, another piece along my path. Whether I am at the top of the electronic charts (where I now have been for many weeks, thank you for your generous support!) or whether people love or hate me, I cannot rest my happiness on other’s opinions. My job is to love, understand and serve each moment as best I can with a sense of receptivity to what it brings.

The deeper gift in that exchange for me is found in Amma’s wise words: “If someone is doing something that you find really offensive, check to see whether you are doing something similar to someone else or to yourself.” People who direct ill will our way can be divine mirrors to ways we may be relating to others or ourselves. In my case, I was reminded of how hard I am on myself, which I have been in the midst of seeing more clearly these past months. I don’t always speak to myself with kindness. I don’t always treat myself with love. I don’t always offer myself compassionate understanding. I can allow my self-confidence to be undermined by an old habit of self-doubt. Through that exchange, further contents of my psyche were stirred for me to see and ultimately release. So thank you, even to those who hate me, because you bring me back to the divine and teach me to love.

This day opens with a clear intention to continue to practice feeling ok being me, regardless of what others think. Because ultimately, I will only love others as well as I love myself. Amma says, “Don't just apologize for hurting someone; make the firm resolve that you will never again do that painful act to anyone.” So my sincere prayer is to continue to learn to care for, befriend, honour, love and be gentle with myself. May I have a rich relationship with the divine and may this inform a loving relationship with self and all beings.

When my grandmother was on her deathbed, I asked her what was the meaning of life. She said to me so wisely: “It is all about being yourself. It is so simple, most people miss it.” I can miss it, get caught up in thinking I “should” be/do/think/act in some other way than what feels most relaxed and myself. My true nature is love. So I learn to relax more deeply into trusting that divine truth. I go continue to allow it to flower within me and simply be, no second-guessing. Trust the arising.

The divine love that Amma shows us is within us all. It is our true nature. The rest is just temporary clouds passing through the pure and vast sky. Sometimes the clouds are dark thunderclouds, like when we meet the energy of hatred. But that has no real lasting power. Pain is perpetuated when we hold on and won’t come back to the reality that our true nature is love. I cannot make someone who is attached to pain treat me with love and respect. But I can love and respect myself and learn to treat everyone that way, without condition. That will bring me the joy and lasting happiness I seek and create the best offering I can bring to the world.

May we all know our divine nature and love!

Jai Ma,

Parvati

It Is Up To Me: Cultivating Self-Love

From Self-Betrayal To Self-Love: Steadiness and Gratitude On The Path

Part 3: It Is Up To Me

Over the last few weeks, I have been sharing here what I learned when I recently found that I was being unkind to myself. My last post was during the first period of Lent, as Christians prepare for Easter. Today I post this blog entry as we enter into the week of Passover, a Jewish festival that celebrates the miraculous release from slavery.

To some extent, we all have parts of ourselves that feel enslaved, whether we are conscious of them or not. It is also a tendency for most of us to want others to free us from these painful places.

But as I was reminded in my recent experience, when I saw that I was turning myself black and blue, it is not for anyone else to “save” me, take away my pain or fix my perceived broken bits. I need to face my inner demons just as you do, just as the next person does – on my own, in my own time, in my own way.

It is a kind of miracle to realize that we have the ability to free ourselves in this way. By turning on our inner light, we invite grace, transformation and spiritual expansion into our lives.

Just as I don’t like to be judged for the pace of my own growth, I cannot judge the way another chooses to evolve. My shadow, after all, is exactly that: my own. It hurts me when my shadow’s energy squeaks through my body, as it would for anyone. Perhaps the shadow is backlogged emotions, or painful thoughts that are trying to move through my system. But they are moving through my system, no one else’s. So it is totally up to me to cultivate an unconditional self-love relationship at a pace and in a way that is true to myself.

More than ever, I see how this process begins by accepting where I am, right now. It does not come from wishing my life were different, or struggling against what is. By embracing this moment as it is, we inspire growth.

Maybe I don’t like what is. That is ok. All of it is a reflection of my choices and my karma. So to not like what is, is actually to not like myself. To not like myself is to cause harm to someone: myself. To turn negatively towards myself is like turning negatively towards anything in nature or the divine. The real pain lies there.

It would be easy to see this kind of pain if I were to act out against a flower. I would be able to see the petals wilt under the onslaught of my recriminations. Yet, I do this to myself! So I need to stop it, because it hurts me.

It does not matter how I ended up with the shadow stuff. I could spend a lot of time trying to figure it all out, finding it’s source, wanting to pin point blame, all of which would defer me making, in this moment, the sober choice to let painful thoughts go.

What matters most is to fully understand that my shadow is a conglomerate of my belief systems that works against the force of life, which is love. Feeding the shadow, and beating myself up through it, is like putting the brakes on feeling the love I ultimately desire.

Each one of us is a receptacle for universal love. Some receptacles are full of cracks, maybe even holes, so the love comes, goes and does not stay in. Others’ receptacles are strong vessels for the divine. These people can bathe in a mutually loving relationship, warmed by the loving rays of the sun, nurtured by the rain. Through them, I can see a wholeness, a humility and a state of gratitude for all that is. No resistance. Just love.

So this is my prayer for myself from now on:

May I stand rooted in this moment and feel at peace.
May I be in non-resistance to what is.
May I feel a divine, loving embrace in this moment, and feel supported and nurtured.
May I open to receive love and let go of that which does not serve love.
May I know that I am love, that I am loved.

So please, my friends, go to a mirror and say a few loving words to yourself. Or try my new personal prayer out for yourself. Treat yourself with the love you deserve and see how love begins to grow up in and around you. Begin a new life today, a life that is rooted in self-love. Why? For the very simply reason that you are absolutely worth it.

Ask Parvati 38: Finding Centre in the Busy Day - Part 3: Seeing Others As A Reflection Of Yourself

I shared in last week's blog how it is easy to point fingers at others and criticize people for their shortcomings while overlooking our own. How quickly we forget that we too can fly into a rage, call people nasty names, judge, or take our feelings inappropriately out on those around us when hurtful things may be directed our way. We are all imperfect, evolving beings just finding our way through life.

 

As you move through the day today, practice seeing others as a reflection of yourself. Practice putting yourself in the other person's shoes. See if you can do this before you may habitually react either by thinking or doing things that are less than divine.

 

Our ego will try to convince us that what we perceive as outside ourselves has nothing to do with us. But at its root, life is one flow of pure consciousness, arising. We are not separate but in a oneness flow. So see if you can see others as a part of yourself or as a reflection of yourself. Notice that street person who is asking for change and know that you too could be there. And perhaps, in some ways, you are. Perhaps there are parts of yourself that you have abandoned and ways in which you feel hopeless, a beggar, just like the way that person on the street may feel. Look for connections and similarities, rather than divisions and differences. We are part of one Earth family. I do believe we are far more similar than different.

 

Today, ask yourself, "In which way am I like this person?"

 

More mindfulness tips tomorrow.

Enjoy each precious moment of this day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack - Part 3: Understanding and Compassion

PART 3: UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION

(Continued from "The Big Picture: It's Not Personal")

 

Here are some powerful thoughts I ask you to consider. Find a quiet place and allow yourself to go deeper with these:

 

"Everyone wants to be loved."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow.

 

"Everyone wants to be loved. And everyone fears they will not be loved."

 

 

 

Think about that.

 

 

 

 

 

Think about that some more. Breathe it in. Let it resonate.

 

"Everyone wants to be loved and everyone fears they will not be."

 

 

 

 

Apply that thought to your boss. Think of him that way, just wanting love, fearing he will not be. Think of how you want to feel loved. Perhaps, you two are not that different.

 

 

 

Think of your mother that way, just wanting love, fearing she will not be. Try to feel the fear your mother has, and know you too feel the same. Perhaps, you are not so different. The love you seek is also the love she wants. The fear you have that you won't find love, is also the very same fear she has.

 

 

 

Think of your friends and other family members that same way. See the way they hope for love, the way they feel disconnected from love, the way they do love. Where is the love in all these relationships? In which way do you love? It may not be so much, perhaps, about how much love you get, but about what you give. When  you see yourself, the fears, the hopes, the desires you have for love in others, when you see you are not that different, then perhaps love blossoms, like a flower in the mud. We are left full, feeling connected, loved, even in the face of adversity.

 

 

 

Now think of yourself. Touch that place of "I just want to be loved, and I fear I will not be." It is deep stuff. It has been there likely a very long time. Perhaps it was exacerbated by your mother, or your father or someone else. But it is a wound you carry. No one made it. It is yours. If it is yours, then you can heal it. Since you are the one holding on to it, you can let it go. We hold onto wounds, feeling almost precious about them, as they form our identities and create who we are. As we grow, we must let go and move beyond these divisive states so we may emerge into wholeness. But this only happens as we understand the wounds we have, how they are born from ignorance, just as when another hurts us, their actions are born from ignorance. When we understand and have compassion for our ignorance, we will feel more understanding and compassion for the ignorance in others.

 

In my experience, we all have a deep place within where we fear that we will not be loved. Sometimes, around that raw and fragile feeling, is the feeling of vacant hopelessness. But this will not last. Beyond all these painful, dry, and desolate places is a fountain of unending love. The goodness of life is within even the most desolate times if we allow ourselves to settle in and open, patiently, to the flowering spring. The force of life emerges again and again, without compromise. It simply is. Beyond our fear of not being loved, is love. In our fear of not being loved, is love. Around our fear of not being loved, is love. The fear itself is love, as it shows us our very humanity, our potential for openness, receptivity to that which I would simply call Grace… the force that is beyond our ego's grasp and comprehension.

 

When we are willing to rest, in stillness, quietly, without fighting, with this fear of not being loved, we find tremendous creativity. It is in some ways the linchpin of the psyche that moves us from the grip of the ego into a place of oneness and compassion. Rest there and you will find love and all will change.

 

(Continued tomorrow with "Giving Voice and Making Changes")

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack - Part 2: The Big Picture/ It's Not Personal

(Continued from "The Power of Patience")

 

We tend to take people's bad moods, emotional reactions, judgment, criticism and attacks personally. Of course, toxic energy directed towards us hurts. But it does not have to.There is tremendous power in not taking things personally. In doing so, we peel away the dramatic story that masks the moment to reveal deeper truths. When we let go of taking things personally, we ultimately see that everyone is wounded, everyone needs love and everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment.

 

Hurtful exchange and nasty comments usually happen so quick, that we hardly know what really has gone on. When we practice patience and take a bit of breathing room from a volatile situation, we can slow down the tape of our reactive mind and see the subtler pathway of our knee-jerk reactions. We can move our awareness inward and ask ourselves, "What buttons of mine did this person push? What did I feel? Why did I react like that? What about this did I find hurtful? Is there something else I could see that am not seeing?"

 

It is my belief that most people are just trying to get through their day with, likely, a whole lot of mental fog, swirling unhappiness and unresolved desires. When we are unconscious, we are very selfish beings, consumed with our own wants and needs that tend to eclipse our ability to perceive the happenings in our environment and the needs of others. To become sensitive to the world beyond our ego, and the needs of others, is a skill that is cultivated through spiritual awakening. If we were all more sensitive to the needs of others, well, our world would not quite be in the mess it is in!

 

That being said, I believe it is a rare thing that someone is deliberately malicious. There is a lot of unconscious malice, but deliberate hurtfulness requires a certain mental instability or insanity that is not, thankfully, that common.

 

This week, I had an experience that reminded me to not take things personally. Soon after I woke up and before I started my morning meditation practice, I took a peek at my emails. I rarely do that as I prefer to keep my mind untouched by external things and dive directly into the deeper space of still thoughts. But for some reason, that day, I did. I had received an angry email from an acquaintance, a spiritually dedicated practitioner who was also a fan of my blogs. She had accused me of stealing one of her social media postings and writing a blog entry about it. Her words were sharp and hurtful, accusing me of being unspiritual and dishonest. I was shocked. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. I had not even seen any of her social media posts recently.

 

I went to my morning meditation practice, admittedly, a bit shaken. As my mind settled, I felt it best to simply reply to her and say that I had no idea what she was talking about. After my sit, with the calm of my practice still fresh, I went to my computer with a calm and honest reply. My message was sent only with the intention to clarify any possible confusion and assumption. However, what came back were further irrational accusations and a request that I stop the "childishness" and admit my fault. Again, I had no idea what this person was going on about.

 

For whatever reason, one that only that person can know, my blog clearly had pushed one of her buttons and she was reacting. She had made me the source of her injury, rather than owning her own reactivity and inner wounds. I did what I could by voicing my truth. Her decision to not believe me was entirely her own, something over which I had absolutely no control.

 

With hindsight, I now feel a sense of inward, open warmth at the folly of the human mind, the depths of our attachments that make coiled ropes look like snakes so that we go running. I now also chuckle at how I had best add a disclaimer to all my blog entries: "All characters, places and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental." LOL

 

What I have come to conclude is that every drama has a hero and antagonist. It is what makes dramatic stories move forward in plot. If we wish to be free of life's dramas, we must free ourselves from seeing ourselves as the hero and others as villains; or ourselves as victims seeking a hero.

 

So when you next meet an antagonist in life's drama, take a moment to ask yourself a few questions to avoid taking their misery personally. Is it possible, for example, that the supervisor who got angry at you during your presentation had an argument with his wife that morning? He perhaps left the house fuming and took it out on the next available person: you. Who knows what his reasons were for acting hurtfully or why he did what he did. It however has nothing to do with you. He may need to communicate something which may or may not have validity, but his choice to do so in a way that causes pain is a choice he made that reflects the person he is. His choices do not reflect who you are.

 

I have quoted this before, which I feel sums up life relationships so beautiful: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”

 

Everyone, like you, carries wounds around, deep childhood hurts that lay gaping until we inadvertently pour our own salty tears into them. We mean no harm. We bump into each other like diamonds in the rough, polished by life unfolding. It is healthy to try to see the good in others, that is, to see that each person is doing the best they can with the skills they have at this time. When we avoid taking things personally and rest in the bigger picture, our hearts will flower into the fullness of compassion and we will no longer hurt or feel hurt by our ignorance or the ignorance in others.

 

(Continued tomorrow with "Understanding and Compassion")

Ask Parvati 37: Feeling Under Attack - Part 1: The Power of Patience

Dear Parvati,

I am having difficulty managing angry feelings toward one of my supervisors. He criticized me harshly during a presentation I was giving in front of a crowd. I know that it was meant to be personal. What made me even more angry than the slag was that I couldn't fight back or defend myself in that moment. I felt powerless, and I had to swallow the anger that came up. I have been fuming over it for days. In my less angry moments, I absolutely recognize my role in this conflict and the attachments and distorted boundaries that I helped to build, which have led to this. I also know that what feels rooted, vital and expansive is if I were able to let go of these attachments, and with that, the anger and hurt. But my ego is still fuming, and I can't "get over it". I also feel some anxiety about having to work with him again, which I will have to do regularly. Help!

I think I need to re-build boundaries that were violated, but I feel so vulnerable right now. No doubt this kind of attack brings up feelings of being attacked by my mother when I was a child and feeling powerless and afraid. My question relates to handling these difficult feelings during circumstances that are less than ideal. Do you have suggestions or insight?

 

PART 1: THE POWER OF PATIENCE

Dealing with difficult people is a skill that takes practice. Encountering a person that pushes our buttons can feel like running headlong into a wall. We end up with wounds and bruises until we learn to slow down, see more clearly and make different choices. Once we slow down and choose differently, we begin to see that others' hurtful choices have nothing to do with us. When we slow down and make different choices, we also open to the wisdom that arises as we care for ourselves. We get to know ourselves better as we nurse our long-standing wounds, that have been reopened inadvertently, back to health.

 

As we explore this week how to deal with difficult people, patience comes to my mind. Yet, when we hear the word "patience", we may subconsciously think that it only applies to wimps. We are in a society that does not necessarily praise patience, but tends to cheer us on as we roar into battle. We have all heard the phrase "patience is a virtue". It is a term that has stood the test of time. There must be a reason for such -- perhaps, because it is true.

 

Patience requires particular skill and spiritual evolution. Often falsely associated with passivity and resignation, patience provides a quiet power that helps us avoid getting caught up in life's dramas. It helps us see that behind the intensity of our experiences, there are eternal truths at play. It helps us to not take things so personally, and see more fully into what is really going on beyond our reactive ego.

 

Patience, however, is not easily cultivated and often grows through adversity. When we feel like life is a battering ram directed straight at our hearts and things are just not going our way, we are called to soften, surrender and cultivate patience. When we get all out of sorts because life throws us curve balls, we inevitably suffer. Our reactions add fuel to an already raging fire. Patience helps quell any excess heat and keeps our hearts warm and open, while our minds remain cool and calm. With this internal balance, we can meet the present moment more fully.

 

The dictionary defines the quality of being patient as "the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like; an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner; quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast."

 

When we read "to have patience with a slow learner", we may immediately think that the slow learner we are asked to have patience for is "that fool over there who hurt me". It is true that patiences teaches us to see all beings as evolving, however rough, unsteady, prone to err and imperfect they may be. However, is it possible that the slow learning we are being asked to have patience for is also our own? Here we are again, faced with adversity and getting all bent out of shape. We know there is a more balanced way to live. We want to be free of suffering. We have come this far on our spiritual path. Too often, when we face adversity, we add insult to injury by criticizing ourselves for events over which we have no control. Not only have we felt criticized by another, we may criticize ourselves with thoughts like, "How could I have reacted again? When will I transcend these emotional reactions and live with greater steadiness?"

 

Though we may experience hurtful judgements and moods in others, the way we judge ourselves in reaction to them also hurts. If we truly loved ourselves and rested in a place of wholeness, the ups and downs of others moods would pass over us like changing weather patterns. But we are attached to what others think of us and to approval and praise we hope to receive. So criticism hurts doubly.

 

When we face adversity and in life in general, we need humility and patience for our own folly. We all tend to point fingers at "that person over there" who is behaving "so badly". But we too have a tendency to act hurtfully. We know we can hurt someone, because likely we are masters at criticizing ourselves. Perhaps, as someone pours negativity towards us, we reactively pour it right back at them. We tend to treat others the way we treat ourselves. As we practice patience for our own humanity, the way we err, the way we hurt, the way we buy into others' miseries and take them on as our own, we evolve and have greater patience and understanding of the very same in others.

 

Spiritual texts of all world religions praise patience. It is a quality we must learn as we evolve spiritually. Here are some quotes from the "big books" that may inspire:

 

"The patient man shows much good sense, but the quick-tempered man displays folly at its height." (Proverbs 14:29, NAB)

"An ill-tempered man stirs up strife, but a patient man allays discord." (Proverbs 15:18, NAB)

"A patient man is better than a warrior, and he who rules his temper, than he who takes a city." (Proverbs 16:32).

"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:21-23, NIV)

"No one will be granted such goodness except those who exercise patience and self-restraint, none but persons of the greatest good fortune." (Quran, 41:35).

 

When we face a challenging person, our knee-jerk reaction may be to fight back. But this often gets us pulled into dramas and away from our centre. We find ourselves putting fuel on an existing fire of anger or hate by acting vengefully or impulsively. The need for fight and flight exists as a primal instinct that kept us out of harm's way when we were in the jungle. But we no longer live in that jungle.

 

When we cultivate patience, we give ourselves the space to find the cool waters of wisdom-compassion. We see a much fuller picture of what is going on beyond our knee-jerk reactions when our buttons get pushed. Patience's steadiness teaches us resilience when we face adversity. Patience shows us how to become quiet in the face of hardship and remain rooted in a bigger picture. From that point of view, we see that life is not happening "to me", but perfectly teaching us how to grow into the compassionate beings we are meant to be.

 

(Continued tomorrow with "The Big Picture: It's Not Personal")

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 3: Gossip Hurts

GOSSIP HURTS
(Continued from Cultivating Compassion)

At the core of the practice of satya (truthfulness) is non-gossip. Non-gossip is also part of the five Buddhist precepts, rules by which to live. These precepts are analogous to the yogic Yamas and Niyamas and to the Ten Commandments. They are:

1. Do not kill (including non-harming, the absence of violence)

2. Do not steal (including taking that which is not rightfully yours)

3. Do not lie (including name calling and gossip)

4. Do not misuse sex (including adultery, harassment, exploitation; for renunciates, this means celibacy)

5. Do not consume intoxicants (including drugs, alcohol; for some this can even mean do not engage in mind-numbing activities such as movies and TV)

Gossip is idle talk or rumours, especially about the personal or private affairs of others. Gossip is prolific in our society, something we often take for granted. In extreme cases, it is considered a trustworthy source of information.

It seems gossip is practiced when we do not feel "enough". It comes from scarcity. It is not an expression of abundance, plenty, joy and fulfillment. We all have the capacity to gossip about what "they" did "over there", because that makes us feel temporarily better than "them". But we only do that for the temporary fix of feeling "better", because we fundamentally don't feel enough. If we knew truly that we were love, that each moment is perfection, we would understand our and others' shortcomings so that we could only experience compassion. Instead, we gossip.

I am guilty of gossip. Inadvertently, or in moments of spite, I have surely spread untruths. I have coveted that which "they have" out of feeling lack. These are poisons driven by our human ego. They cease only when we begin to notice them and understand that they are rooted in ignorance. Once we see the suffering they create, we chose to stop promoting pain. When we see the pain we cause in another through spreading untruths, our hearts break open to express our humanity, our capacity to love. No one wants to be subject to false accusations and lies.

I personally understand how gossip hurts. I have experienced it in various situations, even in groups that are supposedly spiritual. Despite the hurt I have felt, these painful times have also provided me with an unsurpassed opportunity to grow, evolve, learn and ultimately love.

Recently I was in a situation where a close friend of mine felt threatened by her next steps on her path and was not ready to face her problem with addiction. So she felt compelled to blame someone for her shadow, because she was too afraid and proud to hold herself accountable for her painful actions. This is natural and perhaps we have all done this to some degree or another. When we cannot deal with what we have done, it becomes someone else's fault. We all also tend to hurt the people closest to us. Since I was one of the people close to her, I was in her ego's line of fire and became the target of her hungry shadow. What followed was a gross misrepresentation of events, blaming me for her own choices.

I am sure that many can relate to the experience of a friend acting in ways that hurt or even betray us. These painful things happen. Likely too, many can relate to feeling inner turmoil as people harbour incorrect and unfavourable opinions about us. Our discomfort is part of our own shadow, driven by our own feeling of "I am not enough", that keeps us attached to feeling we need others’ approval in order to feel good. Part of satya is to find rooting in our truth that is not driven by approval from others, but only from our quiet, humble and unique connection with the divine.

In the case of my friend spreading gossip, it hurt my feelings deeply to feel judged and misrepresented. It hurt that she had made a radical about-face after the deep friendship we had shared. It hurt that others in our community took her word at face value, never checking in with me about how I was feeling or if any of what she said was true. In fact, the opposite occurred. When I reached out to people who had joined the gossip bandwagon to express how I was feeling, I received judgmental, finger-wagging "advice" back. There was no openness, humility, interest or receptivity.

The poison of this gossip extended to people who had been close friends with me for years as well as to acquaintances and spiritual renunciates that I greatly admired. It was as though a plague had spread. So I went into my heart, my soul, and inwardly called to my guru and asked, "How come? What am I to learn in this?"

It took me several months of tears, rage, inner processing, and deep soul searching to finally find the lotus flower blossoming in the proverbial mud. It had all felt like mud till then, layers of unclear complications created by someone who did not want to face her pain. Where was the flower that rises above the swamp? I could not see it.

Eventually, I saw that the entire gossip train was the most perfect gift I could receive. The present came to me like the fresh fragrance wafting above pond scum. Close friends around me who were also hurt by the gossip began to have similar realizations. The gift in gossip was making itself seen.

Though the process was a very painful one, I learned some of the most valuable lessons in my life. I learned that any judgement I feel from others provides me with an opportunity to release self-judgement. It is a gift, a way I can cultivate more compassion, space, and support for myself through my unique connection with the divine. It is also a way I can learn to truly love others, witnessing them doing their thing in this moment, just as they are, which has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I also saw that the person who had betrayed me was a gift from my guru. She was inadvertently mirroring ways in which I was betraying myself. She turned her back on my heart and on our sacred bond of friendship. She twisted truths, making lies seem like a good thing. Is this not exactly what the ego does? There were parts of my ego that were busy doing this -- to myself! Through the painful experience, I saw the subtler ways I still was suppressing my soul voice, silencing it, or twisting it around to support an ego driven fear. This was really big, deep stuff! What Grace!

The gift in gossip became a fantastic lesson in the subtlety and potency of satya. My life-long commitment is to soulful evolution and spiritual growth. I now see that being at the centre of this gossip was a gift perfectly orchestrated by my guru to help me evolve and love. It strengthened my ability to stay true to my truth, not buying into other people's fears and perceptions, and to have compassion for all of our weaknesses. It has helped me love better by accepting the murkiness of the pond for what it is and focusing on the truth and eternal light of the lotus flower.

I still watch the hoo-ha go on around. Now this former friend of mine who started the gossip train is in a situation where she gets lots of attention, coddling, ego stroking and addiction enabling, which is exactly what she wanted all along. So in some way, she is temporarily happy. She still is in denial of what went on, of the gossip she spread and of the pain she caused. But that is ok. There is a far bigger picture than I can see. I cannot change her. I cannot change anyone. All I can do is learn from the situation and humbly grow. I am open to an honest, heart to heart discussion with her or anyone from the community we shared, should anyone be willing. Until such time, I practice accepting them all with all their varied colours, just as they are, not the way I want them to be. When life dishes you lemons, you make lemonade!

Gossip hurts. So next time you mechanically begin to propagate gossip, look within and notice in what way your ego is getting a boost. Drop it, immediately. There is no gain in false speech or in the support of illusory perceptions. That is not satya. Give thanks to the universe for noticing this tendency and let it go.

When you find yourself on the receiving end of gossip, give thanks for the gift of insight into your shadow and into the shadow of others. The ego only dies when it merges with the light. For this to happen, we must let go. Being on the receiving end of gossip shows you that you have something others fear and covet. It shows that their consciousness is rooted in scarcity. They cannot love or see you as you are because ultimately, they do not love themselves enough to do so.

We all know scarcity, so we all can find compassion for those who are mired in it. When others judge you, see it as a mirror for how you can judge yourself and may be holding yourself back. Being hurt by others’ small-mindedness mirrors an aspect of your small mind for you to see. Receive the gift. Give thanks and let it go.

Life is full of mud and flowers. Where we choose to focus is up to us. We can get mired in the mud by buying into it through spreading gossip or feeling the victim of it, or we can see it all as the illusion of scarcity and let it all go. The best choice we can make is to focus on the flowers and rise above the mud and merge with the pure light of undivided consciousness. It is that light that fuels the blossoming flower to grow from the mud. That light is our true nature, not the mud. May we all be the flowers we are!

There are no perfect humans, only people evolving. Even those wearing holy robes have foibles and can err, unless they are fully realized masters. Until we are fully realized, we will cause pain. How quickly we see our folly and how quickly we amend our ways makes the difference between the wise and the ignorant.

We will take a look at the final entry on gossip in part 4 tomorrow on Discernment.

Enjoy the rest of the day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 2: Cultivating Compassion

CULTIVATING COMPASSION: WE ALL SIN

(Continued from Honesty and Truthfulness)

 

You ask, "How do we practice satya when we encounter gossip - particularly if the gossip is taking place among people we respect, or even among people who claim to be practicing yogis?"

 

I finally saw the 1982 movie Gandhi last night. It was incredible. I was impressed by one of the things that the character Gandhi said in this regard. He said he could not act violently against anyone who was acting unrighteously, because he too had faults. Instead, he chose to humbly stand up to what he felt was right through an active resistance to partaking in that which was unrighteous. Very importantly, standing up to unrighteousness started within his own self. He held himself up to the same standards that he inspired the world to live by.

 

All of us, unless you are a fully realized being, have vasanas (negative tendencies). No one is "free from sin", so to speak. No one has the right to judge or criticize anyone, because likely they too likely possess the very traits (to some degree or another) that they tend to criticize.

 

As I said last week, to me, the foundation of yoga practice is humility. Spiritual evolution seems to start there. Through humility, we become receptive to that which is much greater than our ego; and we can allow ourselves to be guided by it.

 

No one is perfect. Part of our journey as an aspiring yogi is to understand that and practice compassion. Do you have a tendency to gossip? Yes, likely you do. Does your yoga teacher? Yes, likely they do too. So does everyone who is not realized. We all have that tendency. The difference between an aspiring yogi and one who is still completely unawake is the willingness to work that vasana muscle.

 

With regards to your ashtanga teacher, you can do a few things:

 

- You can choose to simply watch your teacher's tendency to gossip and understand that it is a mirror providing you with an opportunity to practice the release of your own tendency to do so.

- Upon this understanding and from the vantage point of interconnection (not from a place of judgment or self-righteousness), you can quietly speak with your teacher about how you feel uncomfortable about that tendency and ask for more information as to why he/she tends to do that. It is often through the understanding of tendencies, finding out the story behind the action, that we can quickly develop compassion for others' habits. As Longfellow said: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Through understanding, we build compassion.

- You can learn these lessons within yourself and move to find another teacher.

 

Remember that whatever you choose, it is likely that you will need to continue to practice satya yourself. Be humble enough to see that there is no one perfect and, as such, you have a million opportunities a day to let go of your own negative tendencies (vasanas) and practice compassion for all the ignorance and suffering you see within and around you.

 

Tomorrow, we will look a bit more at gossip and how it hurts in Gossip Hurts.

See you then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 4, Letting Go Of Wounds

PART FOUR: LETTING GO OF WOUNDS

(Continued from Transcending Anger and Low Self-Esteem)

Question: How can I heal past relationships wounds and let go to start living my life? 

My answer: Everything in life has a cycle. There are seasons for flowers and season for snow. Everything plays a part of the greater whole. There is a time in our healing process for anger and a time for grief. Then there is a time for forgiveness. Only when you have had the humility to be honest with your feelings and see your part in the situation, only when you can see yourself in the other person and cultivate understanding, will you be able to let go. Letting go happens when you feel ready. When you become tired of holding on to the anger and hurt, you will let go. The other person, the situation, nothing but yourself is holding on to the hurt and anger. No one is choosing that, other than you. You cannot blame anyone. There are no victims here. When you feel you have had enough of ultimately hurting yourself and creating the feeling of hurt, will you let go. There is no judgement in what I say. It is totally natural to feel dark, painful emotions. Everything has its place and season. You will let it go, when you choose to love yourself enough to treat yourself with the love and kindness you deseve.

You may find the blog I wrote that explores childhood wounds very helpful. It is called Be A Mother to Yourself.

(Continued tomorrow with Moving through Depression and Attracting the Love You Want)

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 3, Transcending Anger And Low Self-Esteem

PART THREE: TRANSCENDING ANGER AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM

(Continued from Faith and the Unfaithful)

Question: How can I transcend anger, lack of confidence and self esteem when I know it's the ego playing tricks in my mind? 

My answer: The process of transcending anger, lack of confidence and low self-esteem are a slow and deep process. Lifetimes slow. If his Holiness the Dalai Lama says he has transcended anger, well there is hope for us all. Yet we must remember that he is in a state of Buddha Mind. So it takes a lot of time and practice! 

My experience tells me that learning to meet life with humility is a very powerful tool to cultivate self-esteem and self-confidence. When we are willing to learn from our mistakes and painful situations, we begin to see life as a gift, as a supportive process, rather than something "happening to me". We then feel we have choice, and the ability to create a life we love. If we are willing to admit our own faults and shortcomings, we can feel more compassionate for the shortcomings of others as well. 

It is natural to feel angry when someone hurts us. But it is a reactive reflex, like you would get if you stepped on a lion's paw. Anger is not a considerate and compassionate response. If we are willing to go deeper, slowly, with mindful practice, our human tendency to have that knee-jerk reaction will subside. We will develop more God-like qualities, such as understanding, compassion, wisdom and love. 

Compassion requires the cultivation of self-love, so that we can see ourselves in others. Through the eyes of compassion, we would see the ignorance in others as the same ignorance we also have. We may not be acting it out in this moment, but we certainly have that potential. So really, we are not that different. When we see our similarities rather than our differences, forgiveness begins to happen. Then there is undemanding, connection, humility, love. Anger cannot live in that kind of environment. But this takes time and practice. It does not develop overnight.

You may find the six blog entries I posted on anger very useful. You can begin with Part One and follow the links at the end of each post to go to the next section.

(Continued tomorrow with Letting Go of Wounds)

Ask Parvati 29: Art As Soul Food - Part 3: The Source of Creativity - Ego or Selflessness

PART 3: THE SOURCE OF CREATIVITY: EGO OR SELFLESSNESS
(Continued from The Power of Intention)

Some people create art through pain and tension. Some thrive on tight deadlines and panic. Others need relaxed quiet in which to create. Though I can meet a painful situation and create, I tend to use the creative force to move through the pain towards expansion. Though some artists rest in pain and seem to need it to create, pain to me is passing. At best, it is a catalyst to propel me towards healing. It is not an end in itself.

When I wrote the song for 9/11, the pain I witnessed and the compassion I felt cracked open a well of goodness and interconnection. I could have written about injustice and anger, but more sincerely for me, more powerful for me was the call to rest in the field of interconnection.

I have written angry songs, judgmental songs, indignant songs, sad songs and happy songs, but if they do not come from a place of sincerity and honesty, they never make it past my song book and into a recording. I am very picky that way. For me, art is a spiritual practice, a way to challenge my ego and grind it down, so that it dissolves back to the One source.

Some are fueled by accolade and fame, while others hold themselves back and hide in the shadows wondering why. Both are an expression of the ego and living in fear. You can be on stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people and never further from your soul voice. If an artistic expression is fueled by the ego, an audience member who seeks to hide and mask pain in their own life will likely resonate with it; while those that seek honesty and humility will not find it appealing.

The source of creativity plays a major part in the end artistic product. I feel artists either create from wanting approval, love, acceptance, etc… or from selflessness, service, surrender, love. The voice of the soul is connected to the infinite. When the artist’s soul speaks, their ego dies a little and so can the ego of the audience. But when the artist’s neuroses drive the creative process, we end up with a potentially catchy piece that can amplify the neuroses in others.

For the most part, I write and create music and produce my shows from a place of joy. Often with a smile on my face while at the computer producing, I am told I am like a kid in a toyshop. I can be seen literally jumping up and down when a certain resonance comes together in a song or a production. I just feel so aligned, so alive, so purposeful and complete. I watch my body to see if I feel expansive or constrictive. I consciously choose to create through expansion.

I wrote and produced my CD and show by following my joy. I am not talking about being happy without sincerity. I speak of the expansive expression of my soul that feels positive and tuned into life. I feel that when I connect to my joy, I contribute to the vibration of joy on the planet.

I wish deeply for all beings to be free, for all to be happy, for all to be without suffering. As such, I must first align my consciousness with these qualities so that I may serve others. I am part of a continual inner purification process in so doing. Housecleaning always starts at home. If we are to truly serve others, we must empty ourselves to be vessels for the divine. For me, emptiness comes from the dissolving of the ego, when we get out of our own way and allow Grace to flow. I feel both empty and full when creating and performing.

I am inspired by what my guru Mata Amritanadamayi Devi (Amma) says about music:

Q: Amma, being an artist, a musician, I would like to know what my attitude toward my profession should be and how to express more and more of my musical talents?

Amma: Art is God’s beauty manifested in the form of music, painting, dance and so forth. It is one of the easiest ways to realize one’s inherent divinity.
There are many saints who found God through music. So, you are specially blessed to be a musician. In regards to your attitude toward your profession, be a beginner, a child in front of God, in front of the divine. This will enable you to tap into the infinite possibilities of your mind. And this, in turn, will help you manifest more and more of your musical talents in a much deeper way.

Q: But, Amma, how to be a child, a beginner?

Amma: Just by accepting and recognizing your ignorance, you automatically become a beginner.

Q: I understand that, but I am not completely ignorant. I am a trained musician.
Amma: How much training do you have?

Q: I studied music for six years and have been a performing artist for the last 14 years.

Amma: How big is space?

Q (sounding a little puzzled): I don’t understand Your question.

Amma (smiling): You don’t understand the question because you don’t understand space, isn’t it?

Q (shrugging his shoulders): Maybe.

Amma: Maybe?

Q: But what is the connection between my question and Your asking, “How big is space?”

Amma: There is a connection. Pure music is as big as space. It is God. It is pure knowledge. It is the secret of allowing the pure sound of the universe to flow through you. You cannot learn music in 20 years. You may have been singing for the last 20 years, but to truly understand music means to realize music as your own Self. In order to realize music as your Self, you need to allow music to completely possess you. For more music to occupy your heart, you need to create more space within. More thoughts mean less space. Now, contemplate on this, “How much space do I have within me to spare for pure music?”
If you really wish more and more of your musical talents to manifest, lessen the quantity of unnecessary thoughts and allow more space for the energy of music to flow through you.

- From Amma’s Heart


(Continues tomorrow with A New Generation of Multi-Media Artist: the Multi-Dimensional Co-Creator)

Ask Parvati 28: Enlightenment and Emotions - Part 5: The Rise and Fall of Emotions

PART 5: THE RISE AND FALL OF EMOTIONS

(Continued from Body, Mind, Emotion And Compassion)

“The single most vital step on your journey toward enlightenment is this: learn to disidentify from your mind. Every time you create a gap in the stream of mind, the light of your consciousness grows stronger. One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means that you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.” - Eckhart Tolle

Learning to witness is essential as we learn to let go of our identification with our ego and our emotions. On the journey towards enlightenment, we will experience periods when the mind is still and pure. In this state, we can witness and watch life from a place of spacious presence. Life arises. We witness. We are part of life, also dancing, yet still, watching the dance.

This space between thoughts is where truth lies. In this, is the eternal, the reality of existence, the enlightened presence. As we learn to meditate and evolve, we learn to find more space between our thoughts and emotions, so that the grip of our mind softens and our emotional flux becomes more balanced.

There is a reality that exists beyond our mind and beyond the up and downs of our moods and our feelings. This is an infinite space that is, that always has been. Our purpose is to rest in the fullness of that space and allow ourselves to be one with it. In that space is pure consciousness. All of life is pure consciousness arising, yet we think, we separate, we identify with our minds and allow our ego to control our life. We become constrictive and we lose sight of that space.

As we progress along the path to enlightenment, our emotions provide us with humbling guideposts, mirroring the way we identify with our mind. We learn how involved we are with the story, rather than witnessing what is in the space of fullness. When we are a witness, we are not cold, but warm, connected, and ultimately compassionate. Witnessing does not mean not having feelings, not expressing vitality and interconnection. Witnessing means remaining rooted in the expansion, even when experiencing potentially constrictive situations. We see the constriction. We understand it for what it is. It is identification with the temporal, with the mind, with the passing.

There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is passing. We feel happy, then we feel sad. But joy is connected to the infinite space beyond the mind, to the eternal voice of the soul as it expresses itself in this human form.

Enlightened masters tell us to watch the rise and fall of the mind, like the waves of the ocean. The waves are not the ocean, just the surface agitation. The ocean is deep, powerful and vast, just like the space beyond thoughts.

I would imagine that perhaps enlightened masters do not feel emotions the way we do, but rest in the field of pure compassion. Based on the scriptural reference in the Bhagavad Gita, I would guess that an enlightened being is beyond the rise and fall of emotion, as he resides in the all-pervading field of pure consciousness: “When you have reached enlightenment, ignorance will delude you no longer. In the light of that knowledge you will see the entire creation within your own Atman and in me.” - Bhagavad Gita 4:35

Along our path to enlightenment, we learn to respond to, rather than react to emotions, until we are in a oneness state of pure consciousness, residing in pure compassion. Until such time, we witness the rise and fall of our emotional landscape, like waves upon an ocean. As we watch the waves, even delight in their dance, we remember that we are as vast as the ocean and as open as the sky.

(Continued tomorrow with Guidance From The Enlightened)

REMINDER: Don’t forget that today submissions are due for this week’s Ask Parvati blog. Send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com

 

Ask Parvati 28: Enlightenment and Emotions - Part 2: Enlightenment Now

PART 2: ENLIGHTENMENT NOW

(Continued from What Is Enlightenment?)

“Self-realization is the knowing - in body, mind and soul - that we are one with the omnipresence of God; that we do not have to pray that it come to us, that we are not merely near it at all times, but that God's omnipresence is our omnipresence; that we are just as much a part of Him now as we ever will be. All we have to do is improve our knowing.” - Paramahamsa Yogananda

It is my understanding from my meditation practice, and from guidance from great teachers, that our state of unity with the One already exists, but we, for the most part, cannot see it because we are so busy, so caught up with our mind. This is why great masters tell us, it already is, that we can rest into the perfection of the now.

We on the other hand are used to identifying with our mind, to feeling that our ego is in control. We do not allow ourselves to trust and to let go. It is a bit like we are so focused on a tiny speck of cloud, thinking that it is the entire world, we miss the vastness of the sky and the infinite expanse of the universe. Amma describes this attachment to our ego so beautifully:

“Nobody likes to let go of the ego - it is so precious to everyone. However, once you have attained the state of egolessness, the world won't disappear, as you may think it will. The world will continue, but a chance takes place within you. Something is uncovered. You start seeing everything with the wonder and innocence of a child.”

We know that we are evolving, and that through evolution, we change. So we know that change is part of the process of moving towards enlightenment. However, the greats tell us that enlightenment does not actually involve change in the way most of us would think it to mean.

Most of us see change as to mean “be other than you are”, a sort of moving away from and moving towards something else. Yet the enlightened masters tell us that what we seek does not exist “out there”, but only in the infinite expanse of the now. We are told that what we seek is already here. We are told that what we are is already perfection. Great teachers like Eckhart Tolle say, “You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God.”

Those kinds of thoughts can quickly become mentally confusing. Like the famous Zen koan by the Japanese teacher Hakuin Ekaky, “Two hands clap and there is a sound. What is the sound of one hand?” designed to throw a wrench in the mind’s sense of control, statement from the enlightened can leave us feeling confused, our minds reeling. For example, how can we become enlightened and also not change?

Most of us who are seeking to better ourselves or who consider enlightenment as a goal know that we have bad habits that must be overcome in order for us to evolve. In Sanskrit, teachers refer to these as our “vasanas”, our negative tendencies. We know we get ourselves into painful situations and we would like to stop doing so. So how can we already be in a state of perfection?

It seems that most of us get caught up in “wanting” to be other than we are, and therein lies the rub. We “want” to be free. We “want” to be happy. We “want” enlightenment. We “want” to have fewer emotional reactions or more emotional connection, so we live with anticipations and expectations, in dissonance with the fullness of the present moment. How many of us know how to let go and be with what actually is, now?

Eckhart Tolle says, “Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.”

The benevolent group of channeled guides from the Causal Realm known warmly as The Team beautifully repeat in most of their teachings that we are to practice non-resistance to what is. In previous blog entries, I have explored this idea in many different ways. If we are to move into an enlightened state and flow with emotions with wisdom compassion, we must practice non-resistance to what is.

We tend to live in a push/pull dynamic, resisting what is because we deem it “bad”, or we grab onto it because we deem it “good”. This is what the mind does. It divides. It categorizes. It tries to control, so that we feel important. But we are told that enlightenment is beyond the mind, so we know that somehow, the mind, our thoughts and our ego interfere with the experience of enlightenment.

We speak of the mind easily, as though we understand what it is. But what is the mind? How does it interfere with our evolutionary journey towards the One? And how do we get beyond it?

(Continued tomorrow with What Is The Mind?)

Ask Parvati 28: Enlightenment and Emotions - Part 1: What Is Enlightenment?

ENLIGHTENMENT AND EMOTIONS

Dear Parvati,

When a person is enlightened do they still respond to human emotions the same way that, lets say, the average person would?

PART 1: WHAT IS ENLIGHTENMENT?

Thank you for this question. It is an important question in that there are many misconceptions about enlightenment, mostly because most of us are not yet fully enlightened. If we are lucky, we may have glimpses. But enlightenment is something most of us actually know very little about from personal experience.

They say that only the enlightened can recognize an enlightened being. So not yet being fully realized myself, I can only imagine what the end “goal” would be and how a fully realized being would respond to emotions. I have a sense based on what I have experienced and through learning from great masters.

Due to this, I feel it appropriate to talk about emotions and enlightenment in this blog referring to the body of experience that I can offer and in drawing upon to wisdom of the great masters that guide our way.

Unlike book learning, wisdom that comes from experience resonates in complete understanding through our entire being. There have been periods in my life of blissful flow and oneness, but not in a permanent way. I also experience states of division, separation and suffering. My journey is not yet complete. So we rely on the guidance of the great masters such as the Buddha and Christ to provide us with the tools and roadmaps to direct our journey to enlightenment.

So what is enlightenment? I understand enlightenment to be part of every human being’s destiny. We each are called to this state, to reach the “goal” (as some traditions call it) at some point through our many incarnations. In truth, we are one with pure consciousness. The process of our soul’s evolution involves a purification of our distorted perceptions so that we may realize our true, divine nature. This process is of personal benefit, and also of benefit to all beings, as we are all connected.

In the Hindu tradition, there is an understanding of four primary goals of human existence: dharma (righteousness), artha (wealth), kama (desire) and moksha (liberation). It is said that of these, the highest dharma is moksha, the experience of full realization.

There are various stages of enlightenment. In the early stages, we begin to awaken and realize that there is more to life than wanting and our perceptions. We start to question the nature of the mind and the grip of the ego. Then there are various stages of purification of the mind as the ego dissolves and we feel more interconnection. As we evolve, the ego holds less power and we slowly merge back to the One. Finally, we reside in a permanent state of oneness with pure, divine consciousness and feel a unity with all that is. In this final stage, we are no longer identified with the body or the mind. We have transcended even death itself.

The fully realized being, my guru, Mata Amritanandamayi Devi, lovingly known as Amma or Mother, speaks eloquently of the dissolution of the ego:

“Within the bud of the ego, it is dark and narrow. When the bud gives way and the flower emerges, everything becomes beautiful and pervaded by the most glorious light. You come out of the dark into radiant light, from imprisonment to freedom, from ignorance to true knowledge. This world of diversity is transformed into perfect oneness. It happens within you, not externally.”

It is my understanding that when we return to the One, the final stage of enlightenment, we see all that is as a reflection of pure consciousness. All that is, is divine. In this state, we don’t have emotional reactions but still have the capacity for emotion, while abiding in the equanimous state of pure compassion.

This is a very sophisticated state of being, one very few know, one that is true mastery. Such a state involves the absolute dissolution of the ego, of any notion of duality or separation and the complete merging into the flow of pure consciousness. When we are in the One, it is my understanding that we are in a permanent state of unity with the world, with the universe and with all of creation.

Amma speaks of this state of being with first hand experience:

“As the realization that everything is pervaded with Divine Consciousness dawns within you, you also see that every human being, everything in creation, is already Divine. The only difference is that you know that you and they are one with Divinity, but they do not. It is only a question of uncovering the truth.”

In the Bhagavad Gita, the sacred Hindu text, Krishna tells Arjuna that an enlightened being sees all things equally and loves all things equally. This passage expresses some of this notion:

“By seeing the Ultimate Consciousness equally everywhere, impartially situated, one does not degrade the embodied self, by the self; therefore reaching the supreme goal.” (Bhagavad Gita, 13:29)

So then how do we embody such a sophisticated state of equanimity and balance? The masters tell us, the answers lie right here, in the eternal now.

(Continued tomorrow with Enlightenment Now)

Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 5: Helping Versus Enabling

PART 5: HELPING VERSUS ENABLING

(Continued from Getting Help)

For those who love a person who struggles with addiction, it is so very painful to see. Ultimately, we too need to admit that we are powerless over the addiction. We want to help. We see those we love in pain. We want to take that pain away. But we cannot make changes for anyone but ourselves. It is often hard enough to make changes for ourselves. We are powerless to make the changes for those we love.

Often addicts find themselves close to people that enable. Enablers are harder to see sometimes than addicts, because enablers seem kind and helpful. They are ever wiling to help, cover up, make excuses, clean up the mess, tippy-toe around addicts. There is a powerful yet very subtle ego force at play with enablers. They are doing “good deeds”, so they are “good” people, “helping” those “poor souls” with the problem. But they have a problem too.

Unfortunately, too often these good intentions end up feeding addiction and not in any way helping. Because addiction is based on consumption and wanting, it is insatiably hungry. It needs attention. It needs to ingest, to buy, to take, to feed. It feeds on attention as well. When we tippy-toe around it, the addiction energy feels powerfully important. When we cry for it, yell at it, rage at it, pray for it, plead with it, fight it, we are in fact feeding the addiction.

Tough love, clear boundaries and a no-nonsense attitude are the only way to be around anyone with addiction. Whether you are around someone with an addiction or whether you are questioning whether you yourself are an addict, a powerful tool is to ensure that your actions and your words are in alignment. Those with addictions are used to spin doctoring, twisting the truth, or outright lying to try to get their way, to try to satiate their feeling of wanting, to get the hit their disease needs.

This does not mean we need to be cold or cruel. Tough love means being rooted, clear and strong. And in fact, these are also qualities that you can find in compassionate action. When we are sentimentally involved, we become entangled. When we are compassionate, we are a clear witness to what is: present, open, available, but rooted in self-love. We must stay rooted in who we are and what we want from our lives, because we can easily get sucked into the vortex of addiction. Addiction has a gravitational pull. If we are too close and not grounded, soon we will get sucked into the drama too.

We must stand at a safe distance from someone with an addiction, be present for ourselves, available to support him or her, and get on with our own life. Ultimately, we can change ourselves. We cannot change anyone else. Too often our lives get put on hold while we focus on trying to fix the one with the problem, not realizing that in fact, we too have a problem.

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Sobriety begins with taking a step towards self love, self worth, valuing yourself enough to let go of things that drag you down. People who are not addicts have the brain chemistry to know the difference between habits that are not useful and habits that are. Addicts have a harder time with that and must learn this discernment. The brain is plastic and can change. New habits are possible. Health, sobriety and a life that works are possible for everyone, even for an addict. As for everyone, we must be willing to admit we have a problem, look at our shadow and embrace the fullness of who we are.

EXERCISE
1) Are there addicts in your life that you are enabling?

2) In which way have you allowed someone’s addiction to rule your life?

3) What do you need to do to take the self-loving steps to focus on your own life?

4) If you find it hard to separate yourself from an addict, perhaps because you feel guilty, then you need professional help. You likely need to go to Al-Anon and/or work with a professional therapist that specializes in addiction.

REMINDER: Don’t forget that today submissions are due for this week’s Ask Parvati blog. Send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com

(Continued tomorrow with We Attract What We Know)

Ask Parvati 16: Anger As An Ally, Part 5: Anger Is Natural, But Never Justified

 

ANGER IS NATURAL, BUT NEVER JUSTIFIED

(Continued from Anger, What a Pain!)

There is a wonderful story that illustrates the effects of anger.

 

There once was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and said every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail in the fence.

 

The first day the boy had pounded over fifty nails into the fence. As the days went on, the number of nails driven into the fence became fewer. The boy grew tired and began to realize that it was easier to let go of his temper than to drive nails into the fence.

 

Finally one day, the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He proudly told his father about his success. The father quietly asked that the boy now pull out one nail for each day he was able to curb his temper.

 

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father then took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. The father said:

 

"Son, you have done well. Look now at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You may say cutting, hurtful words to someone. You may even throw punches. But no won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound from your actions will still be there."

 

If we could all see the effects of our ignorant and hurtful actions, our hearts surely would burst into sincere remorse with the desire to be forgiven and act only in compassion. Anger is natural, but it is not enough to leave it there. Part of our call on this human journey is to embody wisdom-compassion as the saints and sages did. When we see a bigger picture, we see that anger is always born out of ignorance.

 

His Holiness the Dalai Lama reminds us of the power of our emotions: “Hatred can be the greatest stumbling block to the development of compassion and happiness. If you learn to develop patience and tolerance towards your enemies, then everything becomes much easier–your compassion towards all others begins to flow naturally. Happiness cannot come from hatred or anger. Nobody can say, ‘Today I am happy because this morning I was angry.’ On the contrary, people feel uneasy and sad and say, ‘Today I am not very happy, because I lost my temper this morning.’”

 

Anger can become addictive, like a bad habit on overdrive. Seduced by its surging heat, for a moment we feel like kings. But we will not find there the happiness we deeply seek. The Buddha says, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

 

When the heat of anger arises, it takes a humble willingness and profound courage to release the notion of againstness, feeling hard done by, feeling life is happening to me; and open to love. We must truly understand that there is no health or evolution or good that comes from blame or judgment. When we truly understand this, anger looses its attractiveness. We see life from a broader vantage point, as a bigger picture, one that is rooted in love, trust and interconnection. When we live in this, we become truly wealthy. In the Bible, Psalm 37: 14-16 reads:

 

"The angry ones draw their swords, the angry ones aim their bows

To put down the poor and the weakened and to kill those who walk on the path of righteousness.

But their sword hits their own heart, their bows will be broken.

With his poverty, the righteous one is richer than all the angry ones in their abundance."

 

(More tomorrow: The Angry Liver: How to Make Your Liver Hum)

 

Ask Parvati 6 - Seeing Past the Shimmer: Discernment on the Spiritual Path

Seeing Past the Shimmer: Discernment on the Spiritual Path

April 3, 2011

Thank you for all the questions submitted this past week. In this week's blog, we take a look at the shadow of spiritual seekers. Please send your questions to be picked for next week’s topic to ask@parvatidevi.com by Thursday, April 7.

If you have not yet done so, please listen to the meditation for Japan that I recorded recently to support those in need. I am grateful for your help in passing it on.

Peace,

Parvati

Dear Parvati,

I have a friend that I find confusing. She is sweet, an active spiritual seeker who volunteers and seems to care for others. But when I am around her, I feel uneasy. When I ask myself why, I feel in my gut that I can’t trust her. She seems spiritually wise, so I find it hard to understand the reaction I have. My gut tells me she is hiding something, like she is not what she seems. How can you tell when a person is truly the light they project or is shining light as a decoy to nasties in their personal basement?

The Shadow of the Spiritual Seeker

Thank you for this question. When I lived in India for a year where I eventually met my guru, I was known for saying that I was seeking yogis, not bogies. As they say, not all that shimmers is gold. And the world of a spiritual seeker is no exception. There are a lot of self-proclaimed prophets who are attached to power rather than learning to serve. As spiritual aspirants we need to learn to discern the fool’s gold from the real gems.

Sometimes people think being spiritual is being a Pollyanna, pretending to be perfect and ok with all that comes, while really feeling in knots on the inside. I am sure you have heard people say “it’s all good”, when you can see terror in their eyes, glazed by a thick dose of denial.

Other people misinterpret the spiritual phrase “we each are expressions of the Divine” and begin to think of themselves as gods, rather than energies in respectful and humble service to a wise, potent, co-creative, flowing force with immensity beyond our wildest imagination.

Thinking of yourself as either better than or worse than another is an expression of the ego and is an easy pitfall for anyone. I find the power of discernment, rather than judgment, to be a key tool on my spiritual journey. It fills me with the possibility to witness that which is, rather than separate myself from the moment and impose my own story on it. I can pause, enquire, feel, explore and see, before I act. Judging something closes my mind to it, whereas discernment supports my choice to co-create with energies that amplify the presence of I AM consciousness. Out of guilt, self-pity, loneliness or fear I may allow myself to get pulled into energies that are tricky and pull me off path. Discernment helps me see that.

Each one of us has a unique life force that flows through us. We each are the gatekeepers of that life force. When we experience energies that do not expansively support that life force, it is healthy to say no to them. It is essential to remember that everything that happens in our life is an opportunity for us to grow. That which we see in another is a reflection of ourselves. That which we cannot stand in another we cannot stand in ourselves. That which makes us judge another is some thing we judge in ourselves.

Trickiness Disguised as the Light

Here is a little anecdote to which you may relate:

I feel I have known Stephanie before. Perhaps it is a past life thing, or perhaps because I feel I have met many people like her on the spiritual path. On this journey to help heal the planet, it is no coincidence that I would meet a woman with such beauty that seems on the same wavelength but also seems to carry a darkness that I sense could act out hurtfully at any moment.

Having sought the Divine through drugs and alcohol, she came to yoga, meditation and healing naturally through her own painful journey. Born out of necessity, she is a good healer. But she must manage her shadow moment to moment lest it take over. When things don’t go her way, she explodes into temper tantrums and exhibits powerful rage. Yet once the heat has passed, she has forgotten all about it, as though it never happened.

In the minds of many people like Stephanie, it never really did. Deeply attached to her self-perception as a spiritual person, in denial about the depth of her own pain, she uses her spiritual insight and energy to try to control the moment, rather than humbly meeting it, because she is too afraid to see her own vulnerability and lack of control, and touch her inner wounds.

We all have an aspect of Stephanie in us but to varying degrees. Some people live by denial and don’t even know it has become their core identity. I have met very few people who I would say are evil. But I have seen evil energy come charging through people, even those I have called friends. Such is the risk when one opens, when one seeks. One must be ultimately discerning on the spiritual path.

Just because a person has a guru, and feels they are committed to the light, does not mean that they will act in righteous ways. I have seen practicing yogis and healers fly into a rage when their buttons get pushed, toke up before teaching a yoga class, eat a hamburger before giving a lecture on the necessity of being vegetarian. It takes a certain fierce courage to be willing to face one’s ego and meet the moment as it is, not as we want it to be. It is a kind of death, a death of the temporal to be born again into the infinite. A real gem of a spiritual aspirant will not be overly shiny, but will radiate a warm humility, a potent kindness, a strong, inner steadiness and fierce dispassion. By resting in vast stillness, the infinite light shines through.

Spin Doctors and ego tricks

The ego is a tricky place. It only seeks self-service. As such, it is a voracious consumer and life force constrictor. It can be trickiest to see the ego in people who are spiritually minded. Having adopted a certain skill in the unseen, it is easy for people with spiritual knowing to learn how to manufacture perceptions that manipulate and twist reality to suit their own shadow. They know how to turn situations around to make it seem like it is you who is off path. This is a powerful aversion technique, and sadly, it is really they who most lose out. Through manipulation and often heavy doses of denial, the opportunity to look within is side-stepped. I call these people Spin Doctors.

To help avoid this shadow tendency, yogis are classically taught by an enlightened guru who has the fierce ability to mould the aspirant’s consciousness so they may have purity of heart and use subtle spiritual power only for the good of all. Many spiritual aspirants are unaware that they use spiritual energy to amplify their ego attachments. Learning to navigate through that tendency is part of an ongoing aspect of spiritual maturation. Our shadows lie dormant in the corners of our personalities until situations that push our buttons and go against our will activate them, giving us a chance to see them, if we are humble and courageous enough to do so.

A Call to Compassion

I believe we are all a lot more alike than different. I would say that the light you see in your friend is a reflection of the light you see in yourself. And the shadow you sense in him/her is a reflection of your own discomfort with your own inner shadow.

Whether you are acquaintances or are best of friends, whether you hang out every day for the rest of your life or never see the person again, is secondary to the opportunity to grow from this now and deepen your own spiritual awareness. I would see this friend as a gift from the universe for you to learn greater discernment, practice tuning into what you are feeling in the moment and acting in a way that honours your inner voice.

Next time you are around this person, ask yourself:

• Do I feel expansive now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• Do I feel safe now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• What wonderful qualities do I see in this person? How are these aspects of myself?
• What can I not stand in this person? How are those aspects of myself?
• Can I allow myself to just be, watch this person/situation as it is, without reacting?
• Does it feel rooted, vital and expansive for me to stay with this person now? If yes, stay. If no, go.

As a tool to learn discernment and develop compassion, I mention above to ask yourself in the moment if it feels rooted, vital and expansive to stay with that person or move along. This question is a powerful litmus test to see if the sparkly, Pollyanna side in you is in fact masking your own shadow, as you hang out with someone who may be doing the same. If it does feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay, then do so and fully relax and meet the moment in all its wonder. If it does not feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay and you choose to stay, then you too would be playing the shimmer game by remaining. It is far more honest and compassionate to all involved (which includes you!) to kindly choose to interact no longer, wish the other well, and move on.

The gift here is in the power to discern what feels expansive and supportive for you and learning to accept both yourself and others exactly where you each are at. We don’t need to be friends with everyone, but I believe we are called to learn to love everyone, equally. By “love” I don’t mean a sentimental attachment, but a commitment to be real, honest, open, humble and courageous in this moment. By “love” I mean developing the state of witness consciousness, to see all of life… the beautiful, the painful, the glorious, the ugly… unfold as it is.

Love is like a flower that blooms in the fertile soil of self-love. As we learn to love ourselves exactly as we are, we become able to love others as they are by seeing through appearances and being present for what is, without judgment, attachment, fear, guilt or trying to change the outside world to suit our needs. In every moment we have the choice to embrace our evolution or resist it in some way. By rooting our actions in self-love, by practicing discernment through non-attachment, we can learn to cultivate timeless love and see beyond temporal, manufactured sparkles into eternal, expansive light.