Ask Parvati 43: The Present Is The Present - Part 1: The Bounty of Boundaries

Problems May Actually Be Opportunities

Dear Parvati,

Someone said to me the other day that even the things about myself that I don’t like are actually gifts. How can this be true?

Sometimes it’s easier to learn about ourselves by observing others. I have found watching people in my life, (at times working my way though judgment, blame, anger, guilt, envy or jealousy - the whole range of emotions one can project onto another), I have been inadvertently taught by those around me.

Take one friend of mine, let’s call her Suzie. She is a wonderfully sensitive person who loves the arts, nature and has a real affinity for healing. She also is an addict. Suzie courageously goes to SLA meetings (sex and love anonymous) to face her co-dependency tendencies and to help her find the inner strength to look at and heal her addictive patterns. Through her friendship, I have found myself learning to be present for her ups and downs, finding new ways to express understanding, compassion and patience. I have also had a powerful mirror to face parts of my shadow, such as tendencies to judge, become self-righteous or impatient.

Recently Suzie and I were talking, when suddenly I found myself suggesting that I felt her addiction could be seen as a tool, or even a gift, along her spiritual journey. I have seen how her movement towards sobriety provides her with a great opportunity for self-discovery. I have also seen how her addiction has been the perfect soil in which she has had to learn to grow into fullness.

She is one of the most gifted people I have met in terms of sensitivity to the unseen. She feels energies, presences in people, plants and animals like few people I know. Yet she also has problems with boundaries. Perhaps her challenge with learning healthy boundaries has also left her more open to the unseen. As she learns to heal her tendency towards broken boundaries, not only is she becoming more capable of having healthy human relationships, but she is even more able to navigate the unseen.

Some may see Suzie’s addiction as a hindrance for her to find lasting love and healing. At one level, I would agree it is. It has brought her to her knees, broken her heart open and continues to challenge every part of her being to grow. Through her healing, something bigger is going on. By the very fact that she is challenged to find clear, powerful and subtle boundaries through her recovery process, her addiction has been the fertile ground in which she can learn the subtle skill to maneuver in the unseen world, and in turn, amplify her natural gifts and sensitivities there. Her addiction on one level is a problem and must be healed. Yet by embracing it as an opportunity, it becomes a gift that also empowers the evolution of her unique soul voice and natural gifts.

EXERCISE

We all have gnarly bits and negative tendencies that seem to create pain and havoc in our lives. What are yours? Are you willing to embrace them without judgment and somehow consider them gifts? What is your soul learning through them? By lovingly accepting your shadow, ask yourself how it can be seen as fertile soil for your unique soul growth. Make a list of your painful tendencies and see if you can dig deeper into you heart wisdom and see the gifts there.

More tomorrow with “Turning Drama Into Fierce Discernment”

Ask Parvati 27: Addiction - Part 6: We Attract What We Know

PART 6: WE ATTRACT WHAT WE KNOW

(Continued from Helping Versus Enabling)

I believe that we attract people into our lives who reflect aspects of ourselves. Until we have taken a look at our childhood, our relationship with our parents, and how we felt growing up, we will either unconsciously attract a “mommy” or a “daddy” into our lives, from whom we still hope to get the love we feel we lack.

If you are attracted to a life-partner with an addiction tendency, it does not necessarily mean you too are an addict. But it may mean that one or both of your parents were and you are still trying to heal the childhood pain you likely felt. Perhaps your coping mechanism as a child was to be a fixer or a good kid, as a means to avoid the inevitable ups and downs of your addict parent. Perhaps you do the same with your partner. You tiptoe around his or her addiction and sidestep your own self, because fundamentally, you feel unsafe. Whatever the story may be, the relationship is a mirror for you to see yourself more clearly.

I believe that we all benefit from counseling and psychotherapy. I believe we are here, on this planet, to grow, to evolve, to become whole. The partners we choose are a powerful mirror into who we are. In relationship, we can see with greater clarity our compulsions, our tendencies, our fears and our desires. We can hide more easily from our shadow when we are on our own. In relationship, after the honeymoon phase is over, the proverbial shit hits the fan. We see our stuff. We are either willing to work it, or we leave and find likely another situation in which we will be faced with the same stuff until we heal.

I don’t necessarily believe there is the “right” partner out there. More important is the right attitude within. Of course, we need to be with kind people who are willing to grow and evolve. We must not stay in abusive situations that jeopardize our safety. We need to look with greater depth at ourselves and what we attract into our lives as a reflection of who we are.

I don’t necessarily believe we attract partners who are a literal mirror to ourselves, however. I once heard a woman say to me that she was supporting a partner who was going through issues related to being sexually abused as a child, and she felt this meant she had to uncover issues with her own sexuality. I don’t believe it is so cut and dried. Only ourselves, our relationship to the divine and our soul know exactly what we are learning in any given situation.

As is the case when we are in relationship with someone who struggles with addiction, we are likely learning more about boundaries, self-care, and letting go, if we are not dealing with the same addiction issues. So be gentle with yourself. Stay true to your word. Treat yourself and others with integrity, honesty, steadiness and respect. Make sure your actions meet your word. Be around those who have the same commitments. Above all, know that you are love. You are loved.

EXERCISE:
1) In which way do you respect your needs and honour your boundaries?

2) Are you true to your word?

3) Are your actions and words in alignment?

4) In which way can you be kinder, more loving to yourself?

5) Are you getting the help you need?

My next post will be this Sunday. Thank you for your submissions this week. If you would like to be considered for the following week’s blog topic, please send your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Much peace to you,

Parvati

 

Ask Parvati 12 - Psyched About Being Psychic?

PSYCHED ABOUT BEING PSYCHIC

I am often asked how to develop more intuition. Recently I received two questions on that topic. It seems as we embrace spring and clear out the old, making way for the new, people are looking to see more clearly as they make wiser, more inspired decisions. This week, we take a look at learning to navigate in the unseen. Thank you for your questions!

Dear Parvati,

How can I become more intuitive? I sense things sometimes about myself and about others and sometimes the hits turn out to be right. But other times I'm way off base or it's just totally blank. I wish I could see more. Can I do meditations to open my third eye or something to become more psychic?

Dear Parvati,

How do you know when 'angels' or other 'messages' are coming to you, as opposed to your own thoughts creating them? I find this dilemma to be a bit of a battle for me, which then interferes with 'faith'. How does one know if they are receiving guidance from an external source rather than creating it themselves? How do you differentiate? Or can you?

WE EXIST WITHIN THE WHOLE

We exist within a vast, multidimensional whole. I have said that in many other blog posts. What does it really mean? We can think of our interconnection with 'all that is' in a tangible way. Think of this: the air you are breathing right now is air I too am breathing right now. It is also the same air that someone in Africa, China and Chile is breathing right now. That air also flows right now in and out of plants, animals, humans, and all things living. Wow!

All that exists on Earth is affected by gravity. There is a force that keeps us here, literally. We know we are affected by the cycles of the sun. Light dims, we get sleepy. Not enough light through the day, we can get depressed. As the moon shifts, the ocean tides change, and so do the tides in our body, being, personality and perceptions.

The force that creates form, the material world as we see it, is not visible to our eyes. But we can see its effect. We can see how in spring, the flowers grow and new life is born to animals and plants. There is a force at work. We can see its effects, but we cannot see it. Or can we?

THE UNSEEN

Seers for millennia have been able to see that which is not visible to most. The vital energy of plants can be seen as rays of colour, sparkling auric fields, dancing life. People's thoughts and emotions project colour, texture and shape. Those who are particularly open and sensitive, such as children, are more likely to see an angel. Some people can see and communicate with the deceased or wandering spirits that have lost their way. What are they doing to access the unseen?

There is a whole heck of a lot going on in each moment, more than we commonly realize. Our brains are designed for survival to edit information so we can get the tasks at hand complete. But as we evolve spiritually, our minds become quieter and our thoughts slow down. The space between thoughts increases so that we are more receptive to possibility, the field of pure consciousness. Our minds become clearer windows into what is, less cluttered by a desire to control this moment. In this quiet, we can see, hear, feel, taste and smell more... not with our physical senses, but with latent senses designed specifically to connect with the unseen.

DEVELOPING A SIXTH SENSE

As we lessen our attachment and identification with our mundane, physical five senses, we awaken our senses that touch the unseen. The area between the eyebrows at the center of the forehead becomes internally quiet and expands so that we may see, not with our physical eyes, but with an inner, intuitive eye, that which is not physically present. The experience of seeing in this subtler way is not like seeing with our eyes. It can be like seeing multidimensional passageways of light, a high speed film, brilliant flashes of crystal clear insight into alternate possibilities, or visions of beings and realms beyond than which are limited by gravity... to name a few.

The same is true for the inner ear, a gift that allows us to hear that which is not audible; or subtle smell, to become aware of perfumes that are undetected by the nose; or subtle touch, to feel the non-physical. For example, in my early days doing energy work, part of my guidance came through smell. When energies that were present but not physically visible were benevolent, often a floral smell spontaneously appeared in the room. When malefic energies were present, usually a sulfuric or putrid smell would appear. Or I could hear voices that would either be guiding me or distracting me. Just like I said in a recent blog, discernment is key on the spiritual path. I had to learn what was created by my own personality, what was emerging from beyond me, what was guidance and what was distraction.

STAYING GROUNDED AND HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

A Vedic Astrologer once looked at my chart and exclaimed, "You have a very strong relationship with the unseen!" It is true. Ever since I can remember, I was one who was in touch with realms that others could not sense existed. One scene from my childhood was me excitedly calling my mom, saying, "Who is that lady in the blue dress in the living room?" To Mom, the living room was empty. The visiting woman looked different to me than people in the house, not only because she had very odd fashion sense (her Victorian dress was long since passé) but because she did not seem as thick, dense or solid.

My sensitivity, as predicted by the astrologer, continues to be an important and strong part of my life. It is a skill I was born with, yes, like those who have greater facility with math than others. But it is a potential we all have and one that can be developed with patience, non-attachment and humility. My work in the unseen has been an ongoing relationship, refined through trial and error and meeting teachers who could inspire my path.

One very important piece in my journey has been that I do not go looking for things in the unseen. Just as it is bad manners (and bad karma!) to read another's mail, so too it is not good psychic etiquette to try to read another's mind or see if you can see what colour underwear they are wearing. Boundaries are super important in our mundane world in order to have healthy relationships. It is even more important in the unseen. Just as you take on karma for peeking at someone's private diary, so too, it is a bad idea to go looking for psychic info without full consent.

When we learn to work with the unseen, we must learn to remain grounded, rather than jettisoning out of our body and out into other aspects of the universe. I firmly believe that we have all that we need right here, right now, in order to evolve. We don't need intuitive skills. In fact, they can greatly amplify one's ego, quicker than almost anything else on the spiritual path. So if you are desiring to be more intuitive, I would ask myself where that impulse comes from.

NO ATTACHMENTS, NO AGENDA

The ego is a tricky thing and ultimately we are on the planet to release our attachment to it. Many people who have asked me over the years about wanting to become more psychic I have felt were asking from ego, trying somehow to gain more control over their lives, more power over the moment rather than learning to open to what is. I deeply feel that psychic skills, if they are meant to be part of your life, will arise naturally, usually through a dedicated spiritual practice that is rooted in humility and non-attachment. When we express "wanting", there is ego. When there is ego, there is no clarity but a desire to distort what is to suit one's sense of need. When there is wanting and control, there is attachment and clouded perception.

True psychic skills happen completely without agenda. Firstly, when I have agreed to offer my intuitive skills for others’ insight, it is when I have been asked to do so. Secondly, I must be in a place of complete non-resistance to what is... non-attached to what I may see or to results I may want. As such, it takes greatest mastery to practice divination for oneself, close friends, family members, or for situations where we may have a vested interest. It is possible, but only after years of practice and discernment, for one to see beyond desire. A true psychic is an impartial witness to what is with no agenda, a simple, humble servant to the Divine. This is very important.

In the realm of the unseen, there is much trickiness. There are drifting spirits, like your dead uncle who sees himself now as an enlightened being just waiting for someone to open themselves up to share his "insights". Though that information would come from the non-physical, it would not necessarily be clear or accurate. There are also dark, ignorant and deluded energies, which one would want to avoid, that convolute, distort and feed on others’ ignorance... in this case, yours. There are also energies that only love and serve. One's impartiality is the only means to navigate a world of such potential stickiness.

Psychic and paranormal skills called (in Sanskrit) Siddhis, do naturally develop along the spiritual path. But they are not the goal and must not be confused as such. For some, they are just a passing phase along the road to return to the One. Is not our spiritual goal to embody bliss and pure divine love, and not to read tea leaves? Just like all things that have form (and the unseen has form, just of a subtler construct) these intuitive skills will come and go, dissolve and pass as we evolve. We must not be attached to them.

DIVINE GUIDANCE

So how do you know it is not just you making it all up? Just as you must learn to act without attachments if you are to interact safely with the unseen, benevolent beings that are worthy of interaction also have no "wanting", attachment energy or controlling agenda. I have heard of channels who encounter entities with a very strong directive that eventually take control over their lives. This is unhealthy. Benevolent beings like angels do not push, pull or control a meeting. One's ability to remain grounded, unattached and neutral is essential to safely contact the unseen. When grace happens, is it just there, without any stickiness, constriction or fear.

In some ways, it does not really matter if what you are hearing or sensing is coming from an angelic force or from you, as long as you are serving the highest good in all and are continuing to practice the release of the ego's grip as expressed through your attachments. I can say that what comes from within one's body is usually the voice of the soul. What rattles in one's head is usually the mind creating a narrative. What is expressed outside and around your body are entities, whether clear ones or not.

For years I said that my body is my guru. It never lies. By learning to understand different physical signs, my body constantly keeps me in alignment with my soul and spirit. I feel sitting meditation is key to awakening one's intuitive skills, if not just for the simple reason that sincere meditation is a process of dissolving the ego and purifying the body. When I sense the unseen, I am grounded and relaxed. Being rooted in one's self, feeling vital and expansive are all important starting points.

Once I feel centered, I see/hear things in terms of quadrants in my energy field. I know from experience that hearing voices or seeing images through different places in and around my body, will be either tricky or benevolent energies. So you can ask yourself, is the voice or sense in the front of your head? Within your heart? In your gut? Outside your body? To your upper left? Upper right? Where and how is information being communicated? For me, things I feel/see I can relate to in terms of quadrants as to where I am feeling/seeing them. Over the years, I have a developed a multidimensional map-like system in the unseen with specific benchmarks and signposts. My way of communicating within the unseen landscape is constantly evolving as I evolve.

SUMMARY

Everyone will have their own way to sense/feel/see the unseen. It takes practice and humility to discover your own way. There are however some universal points that are worth mentioning here:

1. MEDITATION: Develop a meditation practice where you sit for five, ten, twenty minutes, however long you feel you can while maintaining an uninterrupted focus on your breath or your mantra. If you want to start meditating but are not sure how, I wrote a blog recently on that. Please take a look.
2. INTEGRITY: Ask yourself why you want to become more psychic. Make sure you are not in some way trying to skirt around perhaps some uncomfortable feelings or trying to feel more powerful in some way.
3. BOUNDARIES: Never try to read someone's mind or eavesdrop on conversations. Respect boundaries.
4. NON-ATTACHMENT: Never have an agenda about what you want to see, hear or feel. Remember that you are not the doer. You are in humble service to the Divine.
5. STAY GROUNDED: Your body/being/emotions must feel neutral at all times. Otherwise in some way your own personality and ego are getting involved and trying to control information.
6. RECEPTIVITY: Do not leave your body to see if you can meet other beings, or see/feel/hear more. Allow any information come to you, not you going to it.
7. ALL IS PERFECT: You have everything you need to know right here, right now. Feel quiet and content with what is rather than wanting more. Keep focusing on that which feels rooted, vital and expansive. The rest will take care of itself.

EXERCISE

The only exercise I will suggest is this. Go to the park. Sit quietly near some flowers. Watch them and see if you can let go of creating a story about them such as, "Oh, I love this type of flower. My boyfriend gave me them last Valentines..." Just watch the flowers. See how they are in space, how the wind touches them, how they root to the Earth... just watch, no narrative.

After some time, rather than moving your energy deeper into the flowers (as though you want to read it... Remember? Boundaries!), pull your energy and mind back a bit, as though you were receiving the flowers' energy. Open to the flowers. Politely ask if they have anything to say. Remain quiet, receptive and unattached. Actively listen with your heart.

You may feel nothing. You may just feel warmth, or kindness. Or you may hear words like your own voice saying this is stupid or you are hungry. Or perhaps there is something else... Whatever it is, it does not matter. Should you feel you have received a message, watch the tendency for the ego to potentially constrict around it and own it. The information was already there before you became conscious of it. It is not yours. Again, whatever it is, it does not matter. Remember, you are not attached, but a compassionate witness to what is.

After some time, thank the flowers and move along. 

Enjoy the flowers,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 2 - Family Relationships - Breaking Free of Feeling Judged

Family Relationships – Breaking Free of Feeling Judged

March 6, 2011

Thank you very much for your comments to my past post and for your submissions this round.

If you would like your question to be in a draw to be answered next Sunday, please send it to me by Thursday March 10^th at ask@parvatidevi.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

Have a super week and enjoy the week’s read.

Parvati

QUESTION:

Dear Parvati, I have been brought up in a very controlling family, with very dogmatic religious beliefs. Even though I am an adult now and have been living on my own for a long time, I still feel this fear of being controlled and judged by them, to the point where I don't even want to talk to them or visit them anymore. How can I move past that and have a healthy, balanced relationship with them?

REPLY:

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your sincere question. Many, I am sure, can relate. No matter what kind of family we are born into, good, loving, kind, abusive, indifferent, we have an opportunity to grow. At a soul level, deeper then the personality, our family members are very powerful teachers that I believe are perfectly matched for what we need to learn in this life. Whether or not you have a postcard happy relationship with your family, whether you speak to them every day or once in ten years, all that is in your life is there to support you learning and evolving.

Learning to see a situation as it is, beyond hurt and the grip of emotional reactivity, is to me the first step to finding healing. When you look deeper, you see that a judgmental person is a fearful person. We can all relate to being afraid. We all share deep, primal fear of not being loved.

Being able to see a person as they are helps us to understand what really is, and in so doing, we to learn to love. A judgmental person likely does not feel loved. Knowing that behind a judgmental person is a fearful one helps us to feel more connected to them at a soul level. Maybe our personalities don’t jive, but somehow, we can relate to another’s human experience. We too can feel afraid. We too can judge. Rather than falling into the trap of judging those who are judging us, which just perpetuates the cycle of suffering, we learn to be present for their fear of not being loved, which mirrors our own fear of not being loved. So in essence, you really are not dealing with judgment at all. You are learning to let go of identifying with the fear of not feeling loved and not taking someone else’s fear of the same personally.

Once we know what is really going on, we can find much greater inner peace. We can be more honest within ourselves about how we are afraid of not being loved by the people who were our primary caregivers. Biologically, our very life depended on these people when we were children. So we wanted and needed to feel loved – for survival. But as adults, our life no longer depends on them the same way. Instead, we learn to connect inwardly to the true source of love, which is not our parents, but the universal flow of pure consciousness that is in all things, all the time. We learn to see ourselves as a reflection of that love, and our family also.

So, you may ask, if my judgmental family is a reflection of that pure consciousness, why do they act in a way that I find hurtful? A judgmental person is not plugged into the reality that he/she is a reflection of pure consciousness. Nor is that person seeing you as such. The key is, it does not matter if they see you that way or not. You find freedom by seeing it yourself. You cannot control when they wake up to seeing things as they are. But you can control when you can. They may never see you as you are. But you can learn to see them as they are right now. In seeing them as they are, you are actually seeing yourself more clearly, because you are tapping into unconditional love. And your true nature is Love.

When you plug into the reality that you are love, that you are loved, when you choose to live in the positive possibilities, you can see that their fear is a reminder, a teacher that guides your choices. Their judgment shows you that acting in disconnect causes pain for everyone. So you learn not to do the same. Their pain teaches you to let go of the hurtful cycle of judgment so that you love yourself and others, something they, at this time, are not able to do, likely not because they are mean, but because they don’t yet know how.

We are geared to see our biological family as our safe place, as our source of love. As children, we needed our families to be that for us. But now, we learn to see ourselves as part of a much bigger family, the human family, and find our source of love from the timeless universal rather than from the limited personal. As we grow older, we must leave the nest to find our own expression of I AM. We can fear that we will surpass our parents, and that then we will not get the love we had hoped we would as children. But being able to see our parents and siblings as they are is essential in becoming who we are. As we see them for who they are, as they are, rather than as we want them to be, we learn to accept them as they are, and love who we are. Our source of love no longer is held captive within them, limited mortals that they are, but found beyond all things temporal. Life then becomes a co-creative dance with the timeless source of love, through the temporal expression of it. We learn to see that what is before us in our lives is teaching us to love better, but is not the source of love.

All that happens, happens for a reason. We are part of a much greater, intelligent infrastructure than what our little ego can perceive. As such, what happens in our life, offers us an opportunity to grow beyond the grasp of our ego. I believe that our family members provide us with the perfect setting to learn to truly love and realize who we are.

EXERCISE

1) The essential questions

No matter what happens in life, we can choose to grow. We can choose for life to break our heart closed or break it open. So as a starting point, I would be asking myself some key questions:

•  What am I learning here?
•  What is this situation gifting me with that only this situation could offer?

2) Seeing things as they are

We are distracted from the present by being attracted to what we like (thinking that will bring us happiness, however fleeting) and repulsed by what we don’t like (running from what we fear). Both attraction and repulsion are based on running: running to, and running from the fullness of life. When we allow ourselves to see things – as they are – without a story attached to it, we begin to experience that which is.

All relationships provide us with a very powerful mirror. If we like what we see, we tend to say: “I like that.” If we don’t like what we see, we say: “I don’t like that.” We tend to attract again and again similar people, who at some point we don’t like, because we have not learned to accept that part inside ourselves.

Perhaps, having grown up in a judgmental family, you may find yourself prone to being judgmental. Even when we tend to not like things in our family, sooner or later, we find they exist in us. Being judgmental about judgmental people is a quick and easy trap to fall into. Practice finding a neutral point of view, to the best of your ability. Practice seeing your family members as they are with no story attached.

For example, when you hear one of your family members being judgmental, do you immediately think, “Oh! There he/she goes again, being so judgmental!”? By reacting to another’s judgmental nature, in effect, you are judging. Instead, see if you can develop a point of view to see things as they are. So he/she judges and you say to yourself, with neutrality, “Ok. There is judgment.” As though you were saying, “The sky is blue.”

3) The power of raw and real

By learning to pause when you tend to react to feeling judged, you can begin to truly feel what you are feeling. Beyond the discomfort of feeling judged, you may feel disconnected from the person who you feel is judging you. And in that disconnection, you may realize that you feel sad and alone. In that aloneness, you may notice that you feel afraid. In that fear, you may doubt that that you will ever feel love or loved. In that feeling of disconnection you are left raw, real and honest in that moment. The reactivity of being judgmental was masking that vulnerability of your naked, open honesty.

The question you may be asking is, why would I want to feel naked, raw and vulnerable, any time especially around people who I feel judge me? True power comes from honesty, not from masks. We can say nothing to someone who hurts us, and pretend it does not matter, but all the while, our stomach is churning and inner pain builds within. Our masks grow heavy and are tiresome to carry. We think we are protecting ourselves, but in effect, we are hiding ourselves from ourselves and the world. How can we feel love in that state of hiding?

We hide because we are afraid that who we really are is not good enough. And that feeling of not good enough is easy to feel when we are around judgmental people. But the cycle stops cold when we stop giving it energy. In being honest, raw, vulnerable and real with ourselves and with others, we stop the cycle of disconnect. We have taken the leap into connecting with ourselves. And once we do, we can tune in, powerfully, to find out if it is right for us to share that feeling with others.

4) Share what feels expansive and witness the rest

It is not always right to share with another person all and everything that you are feeling. But it is always right to share whatever feels expansive to share of what you are feeling, from a place of personal connection and honesty with who you are. Whatever you say from that vantage point, everyone has the opportunity to gain, whether they decide to open to that opportunity or wish to continue to judge. What they do, you cannot control. But what you see and say, you totally can.

5) Manage your relationship

Define the relationship as it suits you. You are in charge of all relationships in your life. You never need to feel, in any relationship, that you are powerless. All relationships in your life need to work for you. So ask yourself, with regard to your family,

• What kind of relationship do I need in order to feel healthy?
• What changes do I need to make in my behaviour with them to honour my needs?
• In what way am I still looking for their approval?
• How do I give them power?
• In which way do I still see them as the source of my love?
• At what point do I start to feel like I am losing my energy when I am around them?
• Do I feel this way with all my family members or just a few in particular?

If you are learning new self-management techniques, let your family know that you are changing things in your life so they can expect changes. They may not understand. They may even react. That does not matter. If you need to, you can let them know that you need some space to figure things out and that it is not personal.

Take care of yourself first. Unless you have a positive possibilities relationship with yourself, you cannot have a healthy relationship with others. And just because you have a positive possibilities relationship with yourself, that doesn’t mean you will ever have a positive possibilities relationship with certain people. Those people just may not want to go there.

I do believe it is not possible or even healthy to have relationships with certain people. It is always healthy to wish people well, to sincerely wish them happiness. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is not interact. No one benefits when two drowning people cling to each other and pull each other down.

TIPS:

Next time you know you are going to interact with people who tend to judge you, see if you can set up boundaries that support you having space to keep tuned into how you feel. Also make sure you have the space you need to leave, if you need to.

1. Before you engage with any of your family members, prepare yourself to practice seeing their behaviour as a reflection of their own state of consciousness and not as a reflection of you.
2. When you feel people judge you, take a deep breath and go within to shift your perspective. It is not “happening” to you. Their judging reflects their own state of fear and subsequent desire to control.
3.  Ask for clarification. “You said [this]. Is that what you mean?”
4. Should you feel judged, take a deep breath and shift your perspective into seeing that the judgment is a reflection of their own disconnect and fear and has nothing to do with you. Then you can choose to voice, if it feels expansive to do so, that you feel judged by what was said. Not because you want their approval, but out of self-love; it is healthy for you to be honest with who you are. Being honest ultimately mirrors back to them how their behaviour makes you feel and provides them with an opportunity to see you better and to learn to love.
5.  If you do choose to voice how you feel, practice being not attached to what they say in response. Remember, you are doing it for yourself, not for approval.If you choose not to voice how you feel, continue to practice witnessing how the other is behaving. If you feel like you are losing energy by being in that environment, leave. Doing what feels expansive for you is best for everyone.

SACRED LAWS

• Everyone in your life is a teacher.
• Everything in life provides an opportunity for you to embody wisdom-compassion and realize your true nature as Love.
• Set healthy boundaries. You don’t need to hang out with anyone that does not make you feel expansive. Sometimes people come into your life to teach you to say no.
• Being real, honest and raw is powerful. The more honest you are with yourself, the more honest you can be with others. The more you live by honesty in all you do, the less burdens you carry and the freer you will feel. The freer you feel, the more love you will feel, and therefore, the more able you will be to share and enjoy living.