Sacred Sexuality: Beyond Wanting - Part 3: Wanting Fulfillment or Open to Divine Love

(Continued from Body Language)

 

Sex is part of the cycle of life. It is a sacred thing. When the sacred is confused for the fulfillment of desires, confusion begins. The sacred does not fulfill our desires. It does not give us all we want but gives us what we need. The divine shows us the ways in which we identify with feeling disconnected and shows us a way to return to our more authentic state of wholeness.

 

It is not up to our lovers, husbands, wives and partners to make us whole. It is up to us to turn our attention to the divine and tap into that eternal light. It is our job to focus on and celebrate the divine within our partners, and forgive their shadow, as we too have shadows.

 

When we engage in sexuality, it is a time for heightened consciousness, not the release of such. When we let go of our spiritual attention and engage in sexuality, we amplify our already present tendency to want. Whenever there is wanting, there is interference. When we want through sex, we become downloading stations for interference and amplify our own state of disconnection. Though a momentary feeling of bliss through orgasm feels great, most of us have no idea what really went on in the unseen while we temporarily reached such heights.

 

When we feel whole, relaxed and are willing to be free of wanting while we engage sexually, sex becomes an opportunity to release wanting at its root so that we may feel closer to the divine. Sex then is not about peaks, highs and lows, but about a rooted, vital and expansive exploration of life force, while letting go of our ego so that we may return to the One state of pure consciousness.

 

Understanding the force that runs through sexuality helps us eventually learn to touch the sacred everywhere. Historically, the enlightened ones do not engage sexually to meet the divine, but seem to go into bliss just at the sight of a flower, or from the simple touch of Kleenex. The divine is everywhere and the opportunity to find lasting, expansive bliss is also everywhere.

 

Through our human form, we have been given a gift that sacred texts tell us is universally unmatched. Since the body has the capacity to be a conduit for the divine, channeling the pure consciousness of the Cosmic Intelligence into Nature and form, we are charged with the ability to tap into power that is so much greater than our limited sense perceptions and tricks of our ego. We can tap into the power of the infinite through sexuality and embody our true nature, only as long as we are willing to let go of wanting. Wanting is our human super-power kryptonite. Watch for it. Whatever we channel through our sexual act takes shape on our planet.

 

(Continues with The Body Channel: The Art of Love)

Sacred Sexuality: Beyond Wanting - Part 2: Body Language

(Continued from Sex and Spirituality)

 

Whether we are heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, a polygamist, a monogamist, or celibate, our physical body is part of a vast, multidimensional whole. What we do, think, feel, taste, smell and touch is never limited in isolation to our immediate sense of self, but has ripple effects throughout the entire universe.

 

When we communicate, we take in and impart information. For most, this is thought of as a verbal exchange. But for those who are sensitive to otherness, we understand that there is no such thing as purely verbal information. In addition to what we speak, we are also sharing our emotional presence, all the contents of our body language, the subtle innuendos, and our vibrational intentions.

 

When we share with someone, we are in contact not just with the physical being that we see, but with all that person’s past thoughts, experiences and actions, as well as all energies with which they have been in contact. We are in touch with the totality of their soul's evolutionary journey. Even when we are physically alone, we are never truly alone. Whatever we think, feel or do, we are continually in communication with an immense universe that comes home to us through our physical body.

 

The body is literally a channel for unseen forces. We know we need to take care to communicate appropriately when we share our ideas and our heart, whether silently to ourselves, thoughtfully through prayer or orally to others. We know we must be attentive to our audience and communicate appropriately so that we may be understood and so we may fully feel connected.

 

The same is true with sex. It is a form of communication, communication with self, and/or with other(s). Sexuality in the positive possibilities is about receptivity and trust, because in order to fully meet the divine, that is, the pure consciousness that runs through our being, and share in its presence that runs through everything, we must lay down our ego, rest in humility and let go of wanting. This takes spiritual maturity.

 

If we were deeply honest with ourselves and looked courageously into the recesses of our psyche, we would find that for most, sex is an expression of seeking external fulfillment, getting or giving to get, which are forms of our ego attempting to gain approval, feel safe and find control. Sex for most is a form of trying to find connections while feeling disconnected. Even when we feel we love someone, we need to be careful we are not still seeking their approval, playing out childhood patterns and being inauthentic in the moment. In this way, the sober truth is that for most, sex is more of an expression of the impossibilities, because it often comes from a place of scarcity, wanting and lack, rather than genuine and pure love.

 

Just like anything in the universe, when we approach life from a perspective of lack, we will continue to feel unfulfilled no matter how many fast cars we buy, how many shiny shoes are in our closets, how big our house is, or how many multiple orgasms we have. Unless we embody the courage to face our inner emptiness and switch internal dials so that we may let go of our inner wounds that tell us we are unloved and unlovable, we will not find the fullness we ultimately seek. Similar to the rules of abundance that tells us that riches cannot be made from feeling not enough, we cannot meet the eternal and divine through sexuality if we are in a disconnected state of wanting. Love comes when we love ourselves.

 

Sex transmits information. It is a form of communication - communing with self, others and otherness. It brings us beyond our limited sense of self and opens us to something else, be it the divine, or more wanting. (As a transmitter, sex also gives us STDs, which sadly have affected many, many people all around the world.)

 

When we look at sex from a spiritual perspective, we also understand that sex transmits information from the unseen to the seen. When we are spiritually centered, we realize that sexuality opens a multidimensional portal and has the capacity to transmit beauty, peace, joy, as well as unseen STDs, that is, interference patterns that take root in our physical form.

 

When I was living in Montreal and ran a yoga studio there, I went away one weekend on a meditation retreat by myself for personal recharge. When I came back, I was greeted by my then boyfriend and a swirling array of women I could see in his energy field... three to be exact. As soon as I saw him, I exclaimed, "Who are these women?” I knew he had been unfaithful to our monogamous relationship while I was away. I could see their energy imprint in his energy field. I knew that if we were to be intimate again, I would be interacting with him, his unseen field, as well as all those with whom he had been in contact. For me, the spiritual path is complicated enough, full of promise and pitfalls. Engaging in such complicated and unclear energy systems was not for me, so we parted ways.

 

That partner and I practiced at that time what most people popularly understood to be Tantra. It is from experiences like that relationship and others that I came to develop a deeper understanding of Tantra and know intimately the power of sexuality to touch the divine or to add complication to our lives. Sex can support our evolution if the energy is handled with absolute awareness and true understanding of wanting and desire. For most, sex either keeps us in cycles of wanting providing temporary highs, like white sugar rushes that do not ultimately feed our soul and body/being, or (when sexual desire is misunderstood as love, rather than seen as tricky wanting) it adds layers of complications to our path, and brings into our body/being energies from which we will eventually, in this life or the next, need to release.

 

(Continues tomorrow with Wanting Fulfillment or Open to Divine Love)

Sacred Sexuality: Beyond Wanting - Part 1: Sex and Spirituality

Sex is everywhere in our media. It sells. It builds brands. It feeds consumerism. It is not a surprise that it does, as the energy of sexuality is the very energy that creates life. It is a very powerful force that is best used with conscious understanding.

 

Sex is a powerful vehicle for the divine. As I celebrate in my song Sanctified Skin (which I will officially release early this summer), the light of pure consciousness dances within us. Our body is a temple for divine play. But if we are to play, we must be aware of who or what we are playing with.

 

There are interference patterns in the universe that do not have physical form, but covet our physical bodies. Because a physical body is subject to natural laws, it creates the experience of polarity that provides an opportunity to add jet fuel to the process of evolutionary process. To have form, means having the gift of spiritual alchemy. But we must be aware what base metal we wish to transform into gold, hence the power of free will.

 

We have all been there, freely expressing our wants. Crushes and heartbreaks, great sex, bad sex, the partner we wished we had, the one we once loved but now hate, the one we are with and no longer want. But what is behind the roller coaster of sexual desire and how does it fit in with our spiritual path?

 

Tantra and sacred sexuality are not the same. As I said in my recent blog entries, Tantra as a whole does not condone the use of sexuality while on the spiritual path. But not everyone is meant to be a hard-core yogi where celibacy is usually considered essential. Most often, people wish to find a more integrated approach to their spirituality and their modern, family life. So where does sex fit into that?

 

(Continues tomorrow with Body Language)

Ask Parvati 43: The Present Is The Present - Part 3: Gold Trapped In A Rock

(Continued from “Turning Drama Into Fierce Discernment”)

Being able to see these unlikely opportunities in others’ lives has helped me to find the gifts in my own. It is like finding gold trapped inside of a rock. We can find hidden treasures in the most unlikely places.

Today I had an “a-ha” moment. My mind stopped. Life sprang open into technicolour and multiple dimensions. The daily hum-drum spontaneously blossomed into full life-presence. For a moment I felt through my whole being that all, yes, absolutely all is perfection. It seemed as though all that is, is grace, a gift, a perfect teaching, giving me exactly what I need to evolve in this moment. In this moment, the Universe, God, pure consciousness (whatever you want to call it) is reflected back to me through my life situations, perhaps even most powerfully in areas of my life that seem painful.

I love my partner. He also can drive me crazy at times. We have a profound, unique connection, one I know without any doubt I could not replicate with another person. In this way, I know he is perfect for me. Despite that knowing, there are times I have been very much challenged.

Last night, I was able to see that even his gnarly bits, when I am willing to be fully present, provide me perfectly with what I need to know and learn in order to evolve. “Oh! What? Are you crazy?” I can hear some part of me immediate speak up as I type that. But yes, it is true. In his gnarly bits, I am given a perfect present in the present, when I am willing to see this moment exactly as it is - now.

Much of our time, as I am sure many would agree, can be spent wishing this moment were this way or that way. “If only I had more of this and less of that” - then my life would be great. We can get so busy wishing for things in the future or attached to things of the past, we miss what is right before us.

Sometimes I can fall into thinking, “if only I had outsmarted what happened in my life, figured out a better way, been faster, more clever…, I would have been able to...”. But I am learning to see that this moment offers me everything I need. Everything. There is no there or then. This now is everything I need. Even my partner’s gnarly tendencies are the perfect recipe to help me love myself and the world more fully. I grow stronger by not resisting what is.

EXERCISE

Take a moment now. Look around you. Notice what you see.  Settle into this moment. Imagine it were perfect. Give yourself that leap of faith just for a moment. Test drive perfection. See what it feels like. What do you notice? Do you really see? Do you really smell, taste, touch, and feel? Can you allow yourself to relax a bit more, here, now, exactly where you are so that you sense of perception broadens to welcome all that is before you, in this moment? Can you welcome this moment, exactly as it is? What are you afraid of? What pain keeps you running so that this moment is too painful to be in? What are you hiding from by being here? What are you resisting?

Ask yourself these questions, with gentleness and self-acceptance. It is important to be gentle here, as often we are tense, resistant to the moment because we are afraid and somehow in pain. So let yourself slowly expand to meet this moment so that you can see it more fully, open, ready and willing to be here now.

See if you can welcome this moment so that the present becomes the greatest gift of your life. Think of it this way: if the present is the present, and your whole life is made up of zillions and billions of moments, think of how many presents are waiting for you if each moment is a gift! When we open to what is, we become the wealthiest person alive. And that is the kind of wealth that stays with you for an eternity.

PS. A reminder that Thursday is the last day to send your questions for the next Ask Parvati to ask@parvatidevi.com. Also, I have some news: this blog format is going to be changing soon with more inspiring stuff to come. Stay tuned!

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 5: Getting The Love You Need

GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED

(Continued from Getting The Love You Want)

 

 

Relationships are a path for personal growth. In my opinion, they can be a fast track way for spiritual growth. Perhaps some of you have had the experience of feeling great when you are on your own, but when you get into a relationship, all of a sudden you find out all sorts of areas for personal growth as your shadow gets provoked. None of that seemed to exist when you were on your own. So where did it come from? The ego assumes it must be your partner, so you conclude you're with the wrong partner. Truth is, these vasanas (or negative tendencies) were within you all along and have been simply triggered by the relationship.

 

Of course, it is healthy to be in a relationship where you find the support and safety you need to explore and ultimately release these vasanas. This is why a healthy relationship is more like a co-creative workshop for spiritual growth than a walk in the park. They amplify our shadow and our potential. They bring out hidden tendencies and show us who we truly are. When we are willing to accept the fuel for growth and let our ego guard down, the workshop begins to feel more like a walk in the park, as we become more spiritually fit.

 

I have had my fair share of a range of relationship experiences, some painfully scary and others tender and divine. In hindsight, I can see in that all the while, I was being taught exactly what I needed to learn in exactly the way I needed to learn it. Sometimes when we resist lessons, life heats up the teachings and we find ourselves in painful situations. The intensity of the lesson may be a measure of our resistance to learning and the hardness of our ego. If we meet a relationship with humility, these tough lessons soften and our learning and evolution increases.

 

I have found when I am willing to let go of the grip of my ego and live in service to the creative flow, this moment as it is right now, I touch a level of love and joy that is not conditional upon circumstance. This is something I can choose. I can tap into that flow at any time.

 

Our partners may push our buttons, but the buttons are ours. Our old patterns exist within ourselves. They are not found inside the other person.

 

I believe it is humbling and healthy to know that we will be triggered at some point or another until we reach enlightenment. The triggers persist because they are part of our attachments to “mine”, the part of the human psyche that divides and individuates. Similarly our partner has the same tendencies. When we understand this, we can soften to what may seem intense, unfair, or "against me" in the moment and open to a bigger picture. We can laugh more at our tendency to grasp and push. We can let go and flow with greater joy.

 

No one person, no matter how perfect, could fill up a hole in our psyche. In some sense, it is not even really fair to ask that of anyone. No one person could make our distorted perceptions right. Maybe by their not giving us what we feel we want in the moment, we go inside and find it from our capacity for self-love and from our relationship with the Divine. Maybe by not being given the exact right response that we feel we want in this moment to make life seem perfectly shiny, maybe we are being given the greatest gift we could get. In that moment, we see our attachments to how we want life to be, rather than how life is. In that moment, our “me-ness” cracks a little, and a fissure of light slips in. We can see, in perfect reflection, our wanting, how our ego wants things to be a certain way to feel temporarily loved.

 

In truth, we are always loved. Our perception of such gets eclipsed, and we forget. That is ok. When we don’t get what we want, we have a chance to see what we really need. We have an opportunity to turn our awareness to the reality that we are already whole, loved, connected and interconnected to an intelligent whole that is far greater than our limited ego or will. We just temporarily got caught up, in the smallness of “me” and forgot the expanse of “I Am”. Our partner too is part of that intelligent whole. And whether our partner knows it or not, he/she just gave us a gift back home, to the One undivided state of continual bliss. Not bad for a relationship, huh?

 

Today is the last day to submit your question to be answered for next week's blog. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com.

I will post a new blog topic in answer to one of your questions throughout next week starting this Sunday.

Thanks for reading!

Be well till then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 4: Getting The Love You Want

GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT

(Continued from Acceptance and Insight)

 

Intimate relationships can be complex. We say we want to find love, yet we are often attracted to people from whom we find it hard to get what we feel we need. Some psychotherapists suggest that unconsciously, we seek to fix the wounds of our childhood through our intimate partners. It is like we want our mummy or we want our daddy through them. In fact, certain theories suggest that our unseen wounds help us find our "perfect" match. The problem is, the person we find at first to be "perfect", turns out to re-enact the very pains we experienced as a child. One morning, we wake up to find that we are not in relationship with our ideal mate, but with a replica of our clingy mother or our aggressive father. Then we ask, how did we get here? Unhappy, we push against what we see and inadvertently move into power struggles, trying to fix the other person, who once seemed to fill us up just the way we needed. We think of breaking up and may even choose to do so. Or we choose silent resignation, because, unwilling to risk change, we sum up that this is just the way relationships are - tough.

 

We are told we cannot change the other person, but can only change ourselves. Then what are we to do when we find our partner is not who we thought them to be? Do we break up, time and time again, until we find the one perfect person, with whom we interact perfectly? In search for the ideal, life could soon feel like a never-ending chase for Mr. Perfect or Miss Right. So we ask ourselves, do we stay unhappy in power struggles or in silent resignation, saying this is just what couples do?

 

In the absence of what we feel we want from our significant other, we are offered a tremendous gift to find what we may truly need to become whole. We are offered something that does not exist outside of ourselves in another person, to touch something that comes uniquely from the infinite. We cannot find this perfection from another person, who is limited and not whole. We can find it through inner awakening, when we embrace the perfection of this moment, and reside in the expansive experience of being the very fabric of life itself: love.

 

"Okay," you say. "What does that mean? My partner still drives me crazy!"

I say, You are love.

You say, "But I don’t feel loved."

I say, How can you feel loved when you don’t experience yourself as love itself? How can something broken, truly feel whole? It is only in the receptivity to and the realization of wholeness that we can feel whole. One who feels he/she wants to be filled up, because he/she feels broken, will not be filled up, but will only find temporary fixes that soften the pain of separation from the One source of infinite love.

 

When we realize that what we think is love is not love but wanting, we start to find the love we always hoped to find. What we call love is often attachments to forms of emotional bartering. They are more like contractual arrangements to suit our limited ego perception of reality. As such, they are bound to leave us empty and wanting more.

 

When we don't find the love we want, we are called to remember that we are to return to the One, the permanent, undivided state with the source of life. When we don't find the love we want, we are called to remember that we are love. It is our attachment to illusion that makes us think anything else.

 

These illusions are part of psychological distortions we carry from previous incarnations. We then attract the perfect family to exacerbate our disconnected tendency, to help us see it, so we may release our attachment to it and return to love. As children, we were dependent on our imperfect parents for our needs. But they were not one with the pure source of love, so they were bound to err. We then take that personally as a sign that love is imperfect. So we seek to fix that in our intimate relationships, seeking a fix for a disconnected wound we have from childhood (and previous incarnations). This is why we unconsciously look for mummy or daddy in our partners, so we can fix that deep wound.

 

But ultimately, we come to see that mom and dad were imperfect and so are all humans. Our source of love cannot depend on others, because everyone is flawed. Everyone will let us down at some point or another, if we expect them to be perfect. We are imperfect. So are others. This is why we are called through intimate relationships to tap into the source of love we are, not try to "get love" from outside.

 

So at some point our "perfect" partner will not give us what we want and let us down. We could keep looking for someone who will. And maybe that next relationship would be good -- up until we face our own feeling of inner lack.

 

Relationships are not meant to bring us infinite happiness. Only we can give that to ourselves. They are not meant to give us all the love we need. Only we can tap into that ourselves. So then why be in a relationship?

 

We will look at that question in Getting the Love you Need in tomorrow's entry.

See you then,

Parvati

 

PS: Don't forget tomorrow is the last day to submit your question to be answered for next week's blog. Please send yours to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 3: Acceptance and Insight

ACCEPTANCE AND INSIGHT

(Continued from Acceptance Versus Resignation)

 

Let's look at a simple relationship example, perhaps one you have experienced before. Your partner wants to go to the movies. You really want to stay home and tackle some unfinished household chores you both have left lingering that weigh on you. You don't get how he/she could want to go to the movies when these chores are pending. He/she does not get why you are so fixated on chores when there is fun to be had.

 

This pattern has been going on for some time in your relationship. In fact, when the topic of movies comes up, you feel resentment. In your eyes, your partner wants to "goof off" -- sigh! -- again. You want to be practical and move forward, unburden your lives by facing things that need attention. You don't want distractions. You want action.

 

From your partner's point of view, you don't have enough fun. You are too serious, wanting to plan for the future rather than live for the now and go out on the town and have fun. He/she feels you don't go out enough, and he/she needs more lightness in the relationship. Staying home and doing chores feels too confining.

 

If you were to give in, perhaps you would just go to the movie, telling yourself that it makes him/her happy. But then you begin to linger in resentment, because the house remains unattended and your needs are not met. This is not a win-win. To me, win-lose exchanges in a relationship are ultimately lose-lose. It is one of the poisons leading to eventual relationship demise. They are to be avoided.

 

If you were to quietly sit down and discuss together the options that make both of you happy and try to find a compromise, you may agree to do chores for part of the day, then take a break and go to the movies. If you feel good about that and so does he/she, then you have found a win-win.

 

Beyond compromise, is the notion of acceptance. If you are aware that your partner has a tendency to, in your opinion, want to "goof off", you must ask yourself what is really going on. Acceptance is your best friend. You must accept that your partner has this tendency, which is different than yours. You don't necessarily like this tendency, nor do you want to encourage it, but you accept it. Accepting it does not mean that you give in, and only go to the movies. Accepting means that you understand you have divergent tendencies and that in the co-creative flow, in a life-affirming relationship, in the state of balance there is room for both. Both of you are imperfect and evolving.

 

Different people with diverging tendencies often get together to help balance each other out and encourage personal growth. That may be the case in this example. If you feel rooted, vital and expansive when you go out to the movies a little more often than you usually would, and have a happy helper to tackle household chores, then your reality has expanded thanks to your relationship. We must strive for that kind of partnership, where our relationships help to broaden our sense of reality and our sense of self to include a bigger picture of life, to enrich who we are.

 

When you accept a tendency in your partner that is divergent from yours, you begin to see a bigger picture and feel less personally attacked when you partner does something that would not be your first choice. If you accept his/her tendency, you will see that likely, this weekend, the topic of a movie or going out on the town will come up. Rather than having your feathers ruffled, you will see your partner doing his/her thing, as it is. It may be an opportunity to see life through different eyes. It does not become a personal attack on your need to tend to household chores. In that place of acceptance, you can remain calm, understanding and ultimately loving for the need your partner is expressing. In that place of calm, you can also clearly express your needs: that even though you enjoy movies, and you would be open to that, you also want to make sure it does not eclipse the practical need for chores. By accepting your partner, you are also accepting yourself. In so doing you begin to see your partner more clearly and you also share yourself more fully.

 

If the need to go to the movies is all your partner ever wishes for and he/she does not want to do household chores, you need to vocalize this misbalance. If there is no budge, then perhaps you need to make a decision if this relationship is right for you. You may simply want different things, have different life priorities and personal goals. There is nothing wrong with that. People can part ways amicably. In fact, that is a sign that a breakup is the resolving of some unfinished karma. If you leave angry, judgmental or resentful, the likelihood is, you will meet similar patterns in your next partner until these patterns are clear in you.

 

When you start to accept a tendency in your partner, you begin to see beyond the need to go to the movies, for example, as an isolated issue. You begin to inquire into and ask yourself (or your partner, depending on how open he/she is), Where does this desire come from? Is it an expression of his/her joy? Is it a diversion? Does it help bring you out of your shell because you are scared to let loose? Is it actually a way he/she hides from his/her fear of making commitments and building for your future? Does the tendency come from hiding or opening?

 

Acceptance creates a seedbed for insight to grow. When we accept what is, our consciousness opens to meet it. We can then see the moment in fullness, for what it is and make wiser, more compassionate choices.

 

With greater compassion and understanding, the next time the topic of the movie comes up, you see the bigger picture. You see your flow, you see his/her flow. You also know that there is a whole, supporting each one of you together and individually. There is balance somewhere, waiting for you, that you can invite in.

 

Part of this week's question was when do you know if you should stay in a relationship. Tomorrow we will look at Getting The Love You Want.

 

Enjoy the day,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Relationships: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 2: Acceptance Versus Resignation

ACCEPTANCE VERSUS RESIGNATION

(Continued from Balanced Compromise)

Compromise is different from acceptance. After we make a compromise, we learn to accept our choices. If we choose not to compromise, we also must accept our choices. We can easily mistake acceptance for powerlessness, as though the word were synonymous with "throwing in the towel" and resignation. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Acceptance is a powerful place. In fact, true change only begins once acceptance occurs. We may want to change our partner. We can try to push him/her into doing what we want over and over again. But that will only lead to two people feeling unhappy. If we want change, we must soberly look at what is and accept it, which means not trying to push our will into trying to change the way things are to suit our needs.

To accept is to be in non-resistance to what is. Acceptance is active in a non-forceful way. It is dynamic in a quiet way. Acceptance is alive, because when we are acceptant, we flow with the force of life. Think of nature. The flower is. It is in a state of acceptance of its flower nature. It is not trying to change things. It is in flow with the force of life.

Being passive is closer to being resigned. When we are passive, we could be very much in discord with what is, resistant to it, angry at it, hating it, resenting it. In this passive state, there is no acceptance. We are energetically against what is. In this, there is much unhappiness.

When we are acceptant of what is, we can meet the moment. We open. We can see more options, feel more joy, share more love, tap into the infinite source of love that is all around. When we are acceptant, we love.

Being acceptant does not mean that we like all this moment brings. Maybe this moment is full of horror and atrocities. If we are passive in the face of such, we immobilize ourselves and thwart the possibility of change. If we are aggressive in the face of such, we may implicate ourselves into the whirlwind of the horror. When we accept what is, without necessarily agreeing with it, we find tremendous creativity and possibility.

Intimate relationships are active, alive entities that exist between two people. It is part one person, part the other person and part something that is from neither. I do not think that relationship are two halves that make a whole, but two wholes that co-create possibility. We can find this kind of "positive possibilities" relationship only when we are willing to accept what is and be responsible to manage our own energies, not try to change others.

I have never understood the term "agree to disagree". It just does not make sense. Where is the co-creation in that? To me, that is resignation said politely. To me, that is relationship death. I believe in every moment there is a place of golden resonance, where two people can expand and tap into vitality. If both people are not willing to go there, it can be harder to find together. But it does not mean that you cannot find that place of expansion and beauty. Perhaps, once you have tapped into that bounty, your partner will be more inspired to go there as well, without you trying to make that decision for him/her.

When we are fixated on trying to choose between an either/or, we tend to feel unhappy with both. I am sure you have been there. You are caught in a dilemma. You feel you have to choose between option A or option B. Neither feels right. But you cannot see any other option. You feel pressure to make a decision. From my experience, if A and B both feel off, then you must choose C. The thing is, we often cannot see C so we don't know how to choose it.

The third option is born out of acceptance and non-resistance. It is often somewhere between two extremes. Our mind tends to work in opposites. We think good/bad, ugly/beautiful, happy/sad… It is part of our human nature to think in extremes.

The Buddha, thousands of years ago called his path "The Middle Way". The expansive, enlightened choice often is the third option, the middle way, somewhere between A and B. Not necessarily as a literal cutting down the middle, but a third option that feels balanced between two. Acceptance opens us to the middle way so that we do not get stuck with A or B. When we are not stuck on either, C may arise. C was always there. We were just too busy thinking only A or B existed to see it.

There is a wonderful story in traditional yogic teachings of the monkey and the banana. How do you trap a monkey? You place a banana in a metal cage and wait for the monkey to come and grab it. When it does, it cannot pull the long thin banana through the cage bars. Its mind so fixated on wanting that banana, it does not see if it turned the banana sideways, its arm would slip right through the bars. We are often like that, because we are busy fighting what is, due to our attachments. When we practice acceptance, we gain insight and option C opens to us.

Tomorrow I will look at what finding insight through acceptance looks like with a real life example in Acceptance and Insight.

Till then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 36: Compromise, Acceptance and Getting the Love You Want - Part 1: Balanced Compromise

Dear Parvati,

I'm in a long-term relationship with someone I love, but I find my partner challenging at times, which makes me sometimes doubt whether I'm in the right relationship. Some people tell me I give too much -- others tell me I need to give more! I'm confused. How do you know if you're in the right relationship? When is compromise and acceptance letting yourself get walked all over, and when are they part of spiritual growth and learning to truly love? Thanks for your insight.

 

PART 1: BALANCED COMPROMISE

 

Thank you for these questions. Whether you are in a long term relationship or simply moving through the day interacting with people around you, learning how to compromise, when to accept and when to move on, are skills we all must learn along our path to wholeness.

 

We have all met people who do not like to compromise and resist doing so. They somehow manage to manipulate situations to get their way, either through twisted charm, temper tantrums, dramatic diversions, guilt strategies, bullying techniques or passive denial. Even if these people are supposedly "getting what they want", I don't believe that they truly are happy if they behave that way.

 

In each moment, there is perfect balance. When we give more than what is in rightful balance, another person is taking more than what is their fair share. If you feel taken advantage of, or left with more than what is rightfully yours, then something is out of balance. These kind of energy exchanges happen every day of our lives. We pay the ticketed price for a purchase. We thank people for their hard work or we get a pay cheque for the hours we have put in. We take what is rightfully ours and give what feels sincere. Acting this way keeps our lives in balance and keeps us whole, spiritual beings.

 

In each moment, we are individuals held within a perfect whole. So though we are here, living our lives on this earth, there is also a huge, expansive intelligence which is within us and surrounds us. In fact, we are part of a vast universe, never alone. We are always part of that wholeness, loved, supported, complete. It is our habit to see ourselves as separate.

 

Being able to compromise is a skill that comes from understanding this bigger picture, beyond what is just before us. When we are rooted in the bigger picture, we can tap into the fullness of abundance, rather than grasping at scarcity. The bully, the one who always gets his or her way, is in scarcity, not in abundance, even if they seem to always get what they want and may even live in the lap of luxury. When we look at life from the vantage point of wholeness, any given situation becomes less about "you" and "me" and more about balanced flow within a greater whole. When we are simultaneously aware of our flow and the greater whole, we feel balanced, loved and alive. From this perspective, compromise must feel balanced in order for it to be rooted in dharmic (righteous) spiritual alignment. True compromise is not born from feeling "less than".

 

When we think, eat, speak and do things that are not in alignment with our highest good, we lose our vital energy. If you tune in, you will see that when you are out of alignment, you start to feel spaced out, listless, weak or ungrounded. When you are in flow, in your centre, you will feel rooted, vital and expansive. To make compromises that are in alignment, that are both personally  empowering and win-win, we must understand what alignment feels like.

 

Each person, in every situation, will have different responses. No two people are alike. But I believe we all feel aligned when we feel energized and as though we are growing. Not forcibly, but through feeling tapped into life's immense river. Sure, there are growing pains at times, but when we are in alignment with evolution, the expansion we experience brings us energy, fullness, not depletion. So compromise must feel ultimately rooted, vital and expansive for it to be in alignment.

 

Next time you begin to make a compromise, ask yourself this simple question: "Does this make me feel rooted, vital and expansive?" If your answer is no, you need to go deeper and find a different solution. If your answer is yes, go ahead and make that choice.

 

Compromise is different than acceptance, though they are closely linked. Tomorrow we will look at the nature of acceptance, and how that differs from resignation in Acceptance Versus Resignation.

 

Thanks again for this question. I look forward to answering it throughout the week.

Enjoy!

Parvati

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 5, Moving Through Depression And Attracting The Love You Want

PART FIVE: MOVING THROUGH DEPRESSION AND ATTRACTING THE LOVE YOU WANT
(Continued from Letting Go of Wounds)

Question: It seems I have this pending topic 12 years ago and I fell on a depression state but in that moment I didn't follow a therapy or anything. How can I deal with that and start trusting myself and a possible future partner, from a difference perspective out of ego?
It hurts so bad and I feel blackened...

My answer: If you still struggle with depression, it is best to work with a trained therapist to help support your healing. I would also suggest taking a look at the blog entries I wrote in the past specifically on depression and despair. You may find them very useful.

We are only going to attract the partner that we wish to have in our life, once we have found a true loving connection with ourself. I leave that as a single paragraph to emphasize how important this is! We are only going to attract the partner that we wish to have in our life once we have found a true loving connection to ourself. So important!

We all have to face a deep wound: feeling lack of love. It seems to be part of the human condition. The problem is, most people think that another person is going to fill their need for love. But that will never work. We look for that perfect person, but remain unfulfilled. Even if we find the person we think we wanted, eventually, we find out that it too leaves us feeling empty. The emptiness inside can only be filled by ourselves and our relationship to the Divine. No one but ourselves can do that. We must cultivate self-love in order to love.

So my sense is you must work on developing your own sense of self-worth and self-love in order to be in a lasting relationship. Relationships are not two halves making a whole. That will not last. Relationships are two whole people coming together to celebrate the gift of life. The love and respect they feel for themselves is amplified in their connection. The other one does not fill the other up. Each one already is full, ready to share, learn and grow. It is a bit like how a fruit needs to ripen before it is savoured. We must each ripen in our own way to be ready to truly love. To have a solid, loving, lasting relationship, we must learn to love ourselves.

From my experience, in a committed relationship for the past seven years (my anniversary comes up this month), even when we meet our partner with fullness, there is lots of room for growth. A partnership is like two universes coming together. Jointly, we co-create possibility. If we are not ripe in ourselves, if we are wanting, we will co-create impossibilities and pull each other down. We must be rooted in the positive possibilities of being, in order to co-create with another person in the positive possibilities. Then, when the proverbial "shit hits the fan" and we encounter conflict, we can look at the conflict from a healthy, rooted and expansive point of view, not one that threatens our very existence. If our self esteem revolves around another person loving us, we have placed our relationship to ourselves in something that is non-permanent and bound to change and cause pain. If our self-love is founded on our relationship with the Divine, then we have a rooted sense of self that is fed by the infinite. We then begin to see relationship as a spacious process of shared witnessing. We each are called in a co-creative relationship, to witness each other's fullness of being with delight and joy, and to be compassionately present when there is suffering and the opportunity for growth. That process of witnessing is the foundation of eternal love.

I go over the issue of self love and relationships in depth in the blog entry "I Suck, Please Love Me".

Thank you for this week's questions. I hope you have found my answers useful in some way.

Don't forget that today is the last day to send in your questions to be drawn by lottery for next week's blog topic. Please send in your questions to ask@parvatidevi.com.

Have a wonderful weekend,
Parvati

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 3, Transcending Anger And Low Self-Esteem

PART THREE: TRANSCENDING ANGER AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM

(Continued from Faith and the Unfaithful)

Question: How can I transcend anger, lack of confidence and self esteem when I know it's the ego playing tricks in my mind? 

My answer: The process of transcending anger, lack of confidence and low self-esteem are a slow and deep process. Lifetimes slow. If his Holiness the Dalai Lama says he has transcended anger, well there is hope for us all. Yet we must remember that he is in a state of Buddha Mind. So it takes a lot of time and practice! 

My experience tells me that learning to meet life with humility is a very powerful tool to cultivate self-esteem and self-confidence. When we are willing to learn from our mistakes and painful situations, we begin to see life as a gift, as a supportive process, rather than something "happening to me". We then feel we have choice, and the ability to create a life we love. If we are willing to admit our own faults and shortcomings, we can feel more compassionate for the shortcomings of others as well. 

It is natural to feel angry when someone hurts us. But it is a reactive reflex, like you would get if you stepped on a lion's paw. Anger is not a considerate and compassionate response. If we are willing to go deeper, slowly, with mindful practice, our human tendency to have that knee-jerk reaction will subside. We will develop more God-like qualities, such as understanding, compassion, wisdom and love. 

Compassion requires the cultivation of self-love, so that we can see ourselves in others. Through the eyes of compassion, we would see the ignorance in others as the same ignorance we also have. We may not be acting it out in this moment, but we certainly have that potential. So really, we are not that different. When we see our similarities rather than our differences, forgiveness begins to happen. Then there is undemanding, connection, humility, love. Anger cannot live in that kind of environment. But this takes time and practice. It does not develop overnight.

You may find the six blog entries I posted on anger very useful. You can begin with Part One and follow the links at the end of each post to go to the next section.

(Continued tomorrow with Letting Go of Wounds)

Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 1, Jealousy and the Ego

RELATIONSHIP COMPLICATIONS

Dear Parvati:

I know jealous thoughts and feelings come from our ego but why, if I know that, do they hurt so badly? What part of my ego is in resistance? What relation is there between unfaithful and cheated on past experiences? How can I transcend anger, lack of confidence and self esteem when I know is ego playing tricks in my mind and these situation is unresolved? How can I heal past relationships wounds and let go to start living my life? It seems I have this pending topic 12 years ago and I fell on a depression state but in that moment I didn't follow a therapy or anything. How can I deal with that and start trusting myself and a possible future partner, from a difference perspective out of ego?? It hurts so bad and I feel blackened...

Thanks for your kind advice.

Thank you very much for your question this week, which really is a series of many questions! I will be answering them over the course of this week. I answered in a more conversational tone, like a question answer discussion, due to the many questions that were sent in here. I also reference other blog posts I wrote as this question touches upon many topics I have looked at over the past year. Please send in your questions to be answered for next week at ask@parvatidevi.com.

Relationships are complicated for most of us. We hardly have a handle on how to relate to ourselves in a healthy manner, let alone to another person. And perhaps, that is part of the problem. Because we look for fulfilment outside ourselves, we end up not focusing on developing a strong foundation for inter-personal relationships. All relationships that last must be built on a strong relationship to our self, one that is rooted in self-respect and self-love. We can only love another as well as we love ourselves. Yet even when relationships don't work out the way we had hoped, we can find healing and personal growth. Our capacity to love can deepen. If we are willing to have humility and look at what life is mirroring back to us, we may just find that the person we once loved, then hated, we can still love, in gratitude for the lessons they brought into our life. Life is constantly teaching us and supporting our evolution. All things that happen are Grace. If you have not read last week's blog topic on Creating Your Reality, you may find it helpful.

PART ONE: JEALOUSY AND THE EGO

Question: I know jealous thoughts and feelings come from our ego but why, if I know that, do they hurt so badly?

My answer: Things hurt because we are attached to that which is impermanent. We want things to be exactly as we want them to be. That is our ego. But life is full of change. It is ever evolving. If we hinge our happiness on that which is impermanent, we had best be prepared to learn to let go, or we will get hurt.

We identify with things happening "to me", rather than feeling we are part of a much greater whole. We think life is someone else's doing, rather than our thoughts reflected back to us. If your thoughts hurt, then you are identifying with those thoughts as real. Jealous thoughts are just a reaction from a wounded place that does not yet see the full picture of what is. If we were to reveal the hidden mysteries in each moment, we could only love. When we feel pain, we have not yet found Truth.

If you feel jealousy, then you are feeling a lack of love. Jealousy only comes when we feel we are not enough, not loved enough, not talented enough, not good looking enough… If you are identified with not enough in any way, you will feel jealous.

Question: What part of my ego is in resistance?

My answer: I appreciate the desire to ask this question. However, I feel that to ask what part of the ego is in resistance ultimately does not matter. The question in itself come from the ego's trickiness. If you are asking this question, your attention is focused on trying to figure out the ego, and in so doing (the ego loves this!) your consciousness moves deeper towards the ego. Is it not enough to simply know it is ego, a sense of "me" that is living in disconnected defensiveness? Is that not enough to let it go? When we focus on trying to find what part of the ego is in resistance, it can be a trick, because we are focusing on the ego, the temporal, the divided, rather than focusing on the divine, the eternal, the universal.

When you find yourself focusing on trying to figure out what part of the ego is in resistance, simply pause. Be still within and embrace this moment as it is. Allow yourself to see that you are face to face with your ego. Do not try to push it away. Do not run from it. Just stay right there, with it in stillness. Breathe. Breathe more. Allow yourself to be. My sense is, in that stillness, when you shift your focus from from trying to pin or attack or conquer the ego, to a space that embraces the ego, you will find insight and possibility begin to flow. There will be awakened spaciousness. You will see, from a place of witnessing, what lies behind the jealousy and hurt. If you gently rest your focus on the space around the ego, you will allow the voice of your soul to speak. Give yourself room to feel the space around the ego. In that space is the flow of self love. That way you are present for the ego without getting entangled in it.

You may find the blog I wrote on jealousy very helpful: , especially the entry that looks at the notion of "It's happening TO me".

(Continued tomorrow with Faith and the Unfaithful)

Ask Parvati 13: I Suck. Please Love Me.

I SUCK. PLEASE LOVE ME.

Self-Love and All That Fun Stuff

May 22, 2011

Dear Parvati,

I really want a life partner but just can’t seem to find the right person. I have been told I need to work on my self before I can find my life partner, but I must admit I don’t totally get why. Are we not supposed to grow with our partner? I feel like I need to be somehow perfect to attract the right person into my life. I find all this stressful so I thought you could shed some light on this. Thanks.

Thank you for the question. Most of us grow up with the idea that someone ‘out there’ will come along some day to fill us up. Mesmerized by fairy tale myths of a perfect prince or princess who will transform our lives into magic, we look (and perhaps are looking) for the one person who would make our lives perfect and bring us the happiness we feel we have been deeply missing.

Just like with all fairy tales, “real life” is something different. For the most part, what we commonly call love is some form of unspoken contractual relationships, where “if I act in a certain way, I will get this and that from you, and vice versa”. Contracts are not love but arrangements.

Getting real about love means learning to face our own lives and look at our values, our hopes, our dreams, our tender places, our relationships with friends, family and peers and most importantly, our relationship with ourselves.

THE CATCH

Trying to find a lasting relationship feeling lousy about oneself is like trying to catch rain with a sieve. We simply don’t have the containment to attract the nectar we seek to quench our hungry and lonely hearts. If we look within, we may feel a hunger that is deeply insatiable. This is a feeling that only we can satisfy. It would be impossible for anyone to do that for us.

Until we feel we are worthy of love, we are unable to sustain the true love we ultimately seek. When we feel incomplete within ourselves, our sense of partiality tends to attract partial relationships that last for some time and then dissolve. It is only when we feel whole within ourselves that we attract the wholesome love that provides the meaty sustenance to accompany and enhance our lives.

When we learn to love our self, we become like an open cup ready to receive the bounty of life. Perhaps, to some, that seems like bitter irony. You may ask, “If I feel whole, why would I want to find love?” Love is organic and infinite. It is not an end point, but an ongoing, alive, evolving force. Love does not arise though “wanting”. When we are “wanting”, we are identified as separate from that which we want. How can we attract something from which we feel disconnected? When we we feel that we are not separate from, but exist within, love, we are able to receive and sustain it.

Love flourishes as an ever-present force to be witnessed. For most, love is to be found, to be had or to be lost. But for the wise, love is to witness an unfolding. As we love ourself or as we love another, we learn not to grasp or to control, but to appreciate with inner spaciousness the blossoming, the evolution of this moment as it is.

It is not someone else’s job to make you feel loved, but up to you to tap into the love within yourself. Friends, family, lovers, spouses can amplify that connection within you, but they are not the source. To put that job on someone else would be to sidestep your own spiritual responsibility.

Feeling disconnected from love can be a deeply unconscious thing, due to wounds we carry from childhood and/or from past lives. There may be a very young place within us that still feels unmet by our mother, our father or both. From this place, we tend to express a wanting for love. We may be feeling unconsciously, “I want daddy to make it all ok,” or “I want mommy to love me in the way I need”, which then gets projected onto any potential partner we may attract. How could a partner fill that void?

A mature, lasting love relationship is not two halves making a whole, but two wholes dancing in the infinite. We must do our own inner work on our deeper issues before we can have a lasting and meaningful relationship with another person.

WE ARE LOVE, WE ARE LOVED

It is up to each one of us to realize that within us exists an unbroken tie to the universe, an unending tap that flows with love. The problem is, most of us are standing on the ‘cosmic hose’ that is pumping love our way, while we scratch our heads bewildered, wondering where all the love has gone. When we are developing self-love, we need to look within at the ways in which we are blocking the flow to feel love, to feel loved.

Love is all around, within, always. The very fabric of the universe pulsates at the frequency of love, of joy, of abundance. In each moment we are loved beyond what we could ever imagine. It is our own distorted thoughts, wounds and attachments that make us believe otherwise. So why do we hold on to feeling disconnected, searching for love ‘to fill me up’ from ‘out there’, rather than within?

Perhaps it is habit, socialized patterns, a sort of cosmic amnesia that keeps us asleep rather than truly empowered. Perhaps it is easier to blame than take responsibility. There is a subtle power we get from feeling powerless, from feeling like a victim. It is scary to let go of blame and take responsibility for our happiness, because we have to look within and change things that hold us back from growing. Stepping into the new, the unknown, is scary, when we are attached to things being as they are. That involves being accountable for our life and letting go of blaming everyone, even our parents, or the universe, for our wounds. We each chose our parents and every aspect of our lives. Everything that exists in our lives is a reflection of our thoughts and beliefs and provides perfect support for our growth. There are no mistakes, only opportunities.

In order to embrace change, we need courage. Self-love takes courage to develop. It is only when we have the courage to welcome ourselves into our hearts that we find the love we seek. In welcoming our full self into our self, that is, in opening ourself up to the totality of who we are, we learn to welcome the love from the universe, and then from others, into our lives. When we love ourself, we discover how to co-create with the love from another. Our life then becomes like a house built on a solid foundation.

Without self-love, we tend to graft ourselves onto another person’s energy, because we are not rooted in who we are. Our rootedness comes from our personal relationship with the cosmos, the divine and the reality (not the myth) of love. One’s relationship to the divine is a deeply personal thing, something no one but oneself can truly understand.

WHAT IS SELF-LOVE ANYWAY?

Self-love is different from self-confidence or having a good self-esteem, though they can be related. Self-confidence is when one feels certitude in their ability to discern or act, whereas self-esteem involves a quiet assurance in one’s place within the whole, a feeling of being a valuable and welcome part of the universe. Self-love involves the ability to treat oneself with understanding, kindness, patience and gentle perseverance. Deeper still, self-love involves one’s ability to know that one’s true nature is love and that our human destiny is to embody that love and express it in all we do.

The notion of self-love conjures images for many of being overly indulgent, narcissistic, egotistical, vain or selfish. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. It is only when we love our self that we learn to truly love others.

When we love ourself, we begin to look at life not as something happening ‘to me’, but as a reflection of who we are. We don’t feel separate from people, places and things, but we see our self in our surroundings. We feel closer to, even a part of, everything. There is a gentle sense of containment, or embrace, that surrounds us at all times, no matter what. In this, we feel rooted, vital and expansive, able to participate in life and follow our true joy with openness and courage.

Self-love is not about being overly attached and fascinated with the notion of “mine”. Self-love is a sacred thing. It brings us close to the divine. It allows us to see our Self as a reflection of the sacred, a part of a much greater whole. Self-love requires a paradigm shift. It involves being able to feel connected at some level to something greater than our ego.

When we allow ourselves to be wholly who we are, we embody the Divine. Our deepest joy is our way into the realm of possibility, a guiding light into our true, infinite nature. I have often contemplated on the meaning of the phrase “It is God’s Will”. Does that mean that some force outside of me could potentially disapprove of my choices? What I have come to realize is that there is no force ‘out there’ that is separate from my true self. The will of the universe dances to the rhythm of love and is supported by joy. In essence, my true joy is the universe’s joy. I know without a shadow of doubt that so it is for you too. We are all beings of love. Let us remember our true nature and set ourselves free. Love, love, love. It is all about love.

May we each remember our true nature, embody love and set the world’s heart ablaze.

Love,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 4 - Spring Cleaning: Change Happens Where You Are

Spring Cleaning: Change Happens Where You Are

March 20, 2011

Happy Spring to everyone. Thank you for your comments on my last blog and your question submissions. May we all continue to pray for Japan and the health of our planet and all beings.

Dear Parvati,

There are things in my life I want to change but can’t seem to figure out how. For example, I love my partner who also has some bad habits I really want to change. I also have been trying for years to make more money, but continue to make the same income and not get ahead in debt payments. How do I change things I don’t like in my life?

Thank you for this question. I am sure many can relate. How does change happen? We often say we want change, when really we are afraid of change. Holding on for dear life to old patterns in our thoughts, in our cells, in our action, we find ourselves without the results we want and repeatedly back in similar situations. We blame circumstance, others, even God, for the events in our life and can easily get stuck in self-criticism. Try and try as we do, here we are again right back to where we don’t want to be! So what is going on?

Often our knee jerk reaction, when we want something to change, is to see the problem as ‘out there’ so we go out and try to fix the situation or person to our liking. But this leads to further unhappiness. The funny thing about change is that it does not happen ‘over there’, but exactly where we are. If we could stop the inner push/pull that goes on endlessly within for a moment, the ‘wanting’ for things to be different, we just might find that the steps we thought were an absent mystery beyond are in fact right under our feet.

I love the word “understanding”. To me it shows us that when we fully see what is happening in this moment, we become aware of how we are fully supported. We are standing under, rooted in reality. And there we find sincere inspiration, momentum and traction to meet the possibility of change.

Life is in constant change. What in nature stays exactly as it is? Change happens when we are willing to see things as they are, rather than how we want them to be. By accepting what is, we are not giving in, but tapping into the flow of Nature, which is ever changing. By not resisting, we are open to the flow of life that always moves in the direction of evolution, which is in our highest good and in the good of all beings.

By being unwilling to see what is in this moment, we perpetuate our feeling of dissatisfaction and as a consequence, pain grows. By resisting what is we create a push/pull dynamic in which we are identified with being the doer rather that a co-creative participant or an unattached witness. As such, we become frustrated, feel alone and experience a roller coaster of highs and lows from conquest to defeat. This cycle is draining and does not serve anyone.

So then what really is change? Change arises from a place of active beingness, when we are willing to live fully awake and surrendered to the moment. What is so great about the moment anyway, you ask? Life. In the moment, there is a spark that guides us to our next evolutionary step that is perfect and uniquely tailor-made just for us.

The next time you move to inwardly or outwardly criticize your partner’s behaviour, pause for a moment. Practice instead seeing that person exactly as they are.  You may not like what you see. That is ok. You may feel uncomfortable. That is ok. You may want to run and hide. That is ok. You may feel alone, angry, sad, etc. That is ok. Whatever is right there, be with it.

The same goes for your finances. The next time that bill comes in the mail, notice your feelings about it. Rather than making a joke of it to push away any feelings of discomfort, or rather than getting angry about it and feeling like a helpless victim, just see it, for what it is. Notice the situation with eyes awake. Only by being willing to truly see, can you truly see what is the expansive course of action. Knee-jerk reactions cause pain. Rooted, surrendered, expansive responses are a win-win for everyone, even if some people may not see it that way. It is a win-win because in that choice, you are in flow with the very force of life itself and in so doing, you are in support of the good of all beings everywhere.

EXERCISE IN CHANGE

1) Acceptance is not blind and resigned, but active and awake. Life is not happening to you; you are an active co-creator in actualizing what is. You are not an isolated island, but part of an intelligent whole. So try this exercise to help you feel more rooted, expansive and vital in your life and embrace the possibility of change:

2) Find a quiet place to lie on your back, so that you can relax without the risk of falling asleep. Bend your knees and place your feet flat on the floor about hip width apart so that your breathing is easy, deep and relaxed.

3) Breathe into your belly, allowing the rhythm of the breath to bring your mind deeper into this moment, into your body, into the feeling of the here and now. Go deeper into yourself and feel the connection your body has with the floor. Then feel the connection your breath has with the outside air and how it flows into your body. Know that the air you breathe that feeds your being is also connected to all of life, all animals, all humans, all things alive.

Take a moment to feel that interconnection between you, life and all things. Feel the immense possibility of life itself. Allow your being to expand, to open to this life force that is in you, around you, everywhere. Stay rooted in your body by still feeling the ground, your breath, and include the expansive awareness you also feel. Allow yourself to open to receive this possibility in this moment, feel it in your breath and in your cells. While maintaining that presence, say to yourself:

• I am supported. I am open, ready and willing to receive support. I am. I am. I am.

Feel that truth in your whole being. Repeat it like you were feeding your cells with this lush, rich, expansive place. Repeat it until you truly feel it. Then say:

• I am open to abundance. I am open, ready and willing to receive abundance. I am. I am. I am.

Feel that truth in your whole being. Repeat it like you were feeding your cells with this lush, rich, expansive place. Repeat it until you truly feel it.

Keep going, making statements that feel expansive and are about yourself. Keep the focus within and on yourself, not on another. Focus on the positive possibilities of being you, not on wanting to change either someone else’s or your own impossibilities. Be present with the possibilities of the now because change happens exactly where you are.

Ask Parvati 2 - Family Relationships - Breaking Free of Feeling Judged

Family Relationships – Breaking Free of Feeling Judged

March 6, 2011

Thank you very much for your comments to my past post and for your submissions this round.

If you would like your question to be in a draw to be answered next Sunday, please send it to me by Thursday March 10^th at ask@parvatidevi.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

Have a super week and enjoy the week’s read.

Parvati

QUESTION:

Dear Parvati, I have been brought up in a very controlling family, with very dogmatic religious beliefs. Even though I am an adult now and have been living on my own for a long time, I still feel this fear of being controlled and judged by them, to the point where I don't even want to talk to them or visit them anymore. How can I move past that and have a healthy, balanced relationship with them?

REPLY:

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your sincere question. Many, I am sure, can relate. No matter what kind of family we are born into, good, loving, kind, abusive, indifferent, we have an opportunity to grow. At a soul level, deeper then the personality, our family members are very powerful teachers that I believe are perfectly matched for what we need to learn in this life. Whether or not you have a postcard happy relationship with your family, whether you speak to them every day or once in ten years, all that is in your life is there to support you learning and evolving.

Learning to see a situation as it is, beyond hurt and the grip of emotional reactivity, is to me the first step to finding healing. When you look deeper, you see that a judgmental person is a fearful person. We can all relate to being afraid. We all share deep, primal fear of not being loved.

Being able to see a person as they are helps us to understand what really is, and in so doing, we to learn to love. A judgmental person likely does not feel loved. Knowing that behind a judgmental person is a fearful one helps us to feel more connected to them at a soul level. Maybe our personalities don’t jive, but somehow, we can relate to another’s human experience. We too can feel afraid. We too can judge. Rather than falling into the trap of judging those who are judging us, which just perpetuates the cycle of suffering, we learn to be present for their fear of not being loved, which mirrors our own fear of not being loved. So in essence, you really are not dealing with judgment at all. You are learning to let go of identifying with the fear of not feeling loved and not taking someone else’s fear of the same personally.

Once we know what is really going on, we can find much greater inner peace. We can be more honest within ourselves about how we are afraid of not being loved by the people who were our primary caregivers. Biologically, our very life depended on these people when we were children. So we wanted and needed to feel loved – for survival. But as adults, our life no longer depends on them the same way. Instead, we learn to connect inwardly to the true source of love, which is not our parents, but the universal flow of pure consciousness that is in all things, all the time. We learn to see ourselves as a reflection of that love, and our family also.

So, you may ask, if my judgmental family is a reflection of that pure consciousness, why do they act in a way that I find hurtful? A judgmental person is not plugged into the reality that he/she is a reflection of pure consciousness. Nor is that person seeing you as such. The key is, it does not matter if they see you that way or not. You find freedom by seeing it yourself. You cannot control when they wake up to seeing things as they are. But you can control when you can. They may never see you as you are. But you can learn to see them as they are right now. In seeing them as they are, you are actually seeing yourself more clearly, because you are tapping into unconditional love. And your true nature is Love.

When you plug into the reality that you are love, that you are loved, when you choose to live in the positive possibilities, you can see that their fear is a reminder, a teacher that guides your choices. Their judgment shows you that acting in disconnect causes pain for everyone. So you learn not to do the same. Their pain teaches you to let go of the hurtful cycle of judgment so that you love yourself and others, something they, at this time, are not able to do, likely not because they are mean, but because they don’t yet know how.

We are geared to see our biological family as our safe place, as our source of love. As children, we needed our families to be that for us. But now, we learn to see ourselves as part of a much bigger family, the human family, and find our source of love from the timeless universal rather than from the limited personal. As we grow older, we must leave the nest to find our own expression of I AM. We can fear that we will surpass our parents, and that then we will not get the love we had hoped we would as children. But being able to see our parents and siblings as they are is essential in becoming who we are. As we see them for who they are, as they are, rather than as we want them to be, we learn to accept them as they are, and love who we are. Our source of love no longer is held captive within them, limited mortals that they are, but found beyond all things temporal. Life then becomes a co-creative dance with the timeless source of love, through the temporal expression of it. We learn to see that what is before us in our lives is teaching us to love better, but is not the source of love.

All that happens, happens for a reason. We are part of a much greater, intelligent infrastructure than what our little ego can perceive. As such, what happens in our life, offers us an opportunity to grow beyond the grasp of our ego. I believe that our family members provide us with the perfect setting to learn to truly love and realize who we are.

EXERCISE

1) The essential questions

No matter what happens in life, we can choose to grow. We can choose for life to break our heart closed or break it open. So as a starting point, I would be asking myself some key questions:

•  What am I learning here?
•  What is this situation gifting me with that only this situation could offer?

2) Seeing things as they are

We are distracted from the present by being attracted to what we like (thinking that will bring us happiness, however fleeting) and repulsed by what we don’t like (running from what we fear). Both attraction and repulsion are based on running: running to, and running from the fullness of life. When we allow ourselves to see things – as they are – without a story attached to it, we begin to experience that which is.

All relationships provide us with a very powerful mirror. If we like what we see, we tend to say: “I like that.” If we don’t like what we see, we say: “I don’t like that.” We tend to attract again and again similar people, who at some point we don’t like, because we have not learned to accept that part inside ourselves.

Perhaps, having grown up in a judgmental family, you may find yourself prone to being judgmental. Even when we tend to not like things in our family, sooner or later, we find they exist in us. Being judgmental about judgmental people is a quick and easy trap to fall into. Practice finding a neutral point of view, to the best of your ability. Practice seeing your family members as they are with no story attached.

For example, when you hear one of your family members being judgmental, do you immediately think, “Oh! There he/she goes again, being so judgmental!”? By reacting to another’s judgmental nature, in effect, you are judging. Instead, see if you can develop a point of view to see things as they are. So he/she judges and you say to yourself, with neutrality, “Ok. There is judgment.” As though you were saying, “The sky is blue.”

3) The power of raw and real

By learning to pause when you tend to react to feeling judged, you can begin to truly feel what you are feeling. Beyond the discomfort of feeling judged, you may feel disconnected from the person who you feel is judging you. And in that disconnection, you may realize that you feel sad and alone. In that aloneness, you may notice that you feel afraid. In that fear, you may doubt that that you will ever feel love or loved. In that feeling of disconnection you are left raw, real and honest in that moment. The reactivity of being judgmental was masking that vulnerability of your naked, open honesty.

The question you may be asking is, why would I want to feel naked, raw and vulnerable, any time especially around people who I feel judge me? True power comes from honesty, not from masks. We can say nothing to someone who hurts us, and pretend it does not matter, but all the while, our stomach is churning and inner pain builds within. Our masks grow heavy and are tiresome to carry. We think we are protecting ourselves, but in effect, we are hiding ourselves from ourselves and the world. How can we feel love in that state of hiding?

We hide because we are afraid that who we really are is not good enough. And that feeling of not good enough is easy to feel when we are around judgmental people. But the cycle stops cold when we stop giving it energy. In being honest, raw, vulnerable and real with ourselves and with others, we stop the cycle of disconnect. We have taken the leap into connecting with ourselves. And once we do, we can tune in, powerfully, to find out if it is right for us to share that feeling with others.

4) Share what feels expansive and witness the rest

It is not always right to share with another person all and everything that you are feeling. But it is always right to share whatever feels expansive to share of what you are feeling, from a place of personal connection and honesty with who you are. Whatever you say from that vantage point, everyone has the opportunity to gain, whether they decide to open to that opportunity or wish to continue to judge. What they do, you cannot control. But what you see and say, you totally can.

5) Manage your relationship

Define the relationship as it suits you. You are in charge of all relationships in your life. You never need to feel, in any relationship, that you are powerless. All relationships in your life need to work for you. So ask yourself, with regard to your family,

• What kind of relationship do I need in order to feel healthy?
• What changes do I need to make in my behaviour with them to honour my needs?
• In what way am I still looking for their approval?
• How do I give them power?
• In which way do I still see them as the source of my love?
• At what point do I start to feel like I am losing my energy when I am around them?
• Do I feel this way with all my family members or just a few in particular?

If you are learning new self-management techniques, let your family know that you are changing things in your life so they can expect changes. They may not understand. They may even react. That does not matter. If you need to, you can let them know that you need some space to figure things out and that it is not personal.

Take care of yourself first. Unless you have a positive possibilities relationship with yourself, you cannot have a healthy relationship with others. And just because you have a positive possibilities relationship with yourself, that doesn’t mean you will ever have a positive possibilities relationship with certain people. Those people just may not want to go there.

I do believe it is not possible or even healthy to have relationships with certain people. It is always healthy to wish people well, to sincerely wish them happiness. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is not interact. No one benefits when two drowning people cling to each other and pull each other down.

TIPS:

Next time you know you are going to interact with people who tend to judge you, see if you can set up boundaries that support you having space to keep tuned into how you feel. Also make sure you have the space you need to leave, if you need to.

1. Before you engage with any of your family members, prepare yourself to practice seeing their behaviour as a reflection of their own state of consciousness and not as a reflection of you.
2. When you feel people judge you, take a deep breath and go within to shift your perspective. It is not “happening” to you. Their judging reflects their own state of fear and subsequent desire to control.
3.  Ask for clarification. “You said [this]. Is that what you mean?”
4. Should you feel judged, take a deep breath and shift your perspective into seeing that the judgment is a reflection of their own disconnect and fear and has nothing to do with you. Then you can choose to voice, if it feels expansive to do so, that you feel judged by what was said. Not because you want their approval, but out of self-love; it is healthy for you to be honest with who you are. Being honest ultimately mirrors back to them how their behaviour makes you feel and provides them with an opportunity to see you better and to learn to love.
5.  If you do choose to voice how you feel, practice being not attached to what they say in response. Remember, you are doing it for yourself, not for approval.If you choose not to voice how you feel, continue to practice witnessing how the other is behaving. If you feel like you are losing energy by being in that environment, leave. Doing what feels expansive for you is best for everyone.

SACRED LAWS

• Everyone in your life is a teacher.
• Everything in life provides an opportunity for you to embody wisdom-compassion and realize your true nature as Love.
• Set healthy boundaries. You don’t need to hang out with anyone that does not make you feel expansive. Sometimes people come into your life to teach you to say no.
• Being real, honest and raw is powerful. The more honest you are with yourself, the more honest you can be with others. The more you live by honesty in all you do, the less burdens you carry and the freer you will feel. The freer you feel, the more love you will feel, and therefore, the more able you will be to share and enjoy living.