Ask Parvati 35: The Gift in Gossip - Part 2: Cultivating Compassion

CULTIVATING COMPASSION: WE ALL SIN

(Continued from Honesty and Truthfulness)

 

You ask, "How do we practice satya when we encounter gossip - particularly if the gossip is taking place among people we respect, or even among people who claim to be practicing yogis?"

 

I finally saw the 1982 movie Gandhi last night. It was incredible. I was impressed by one of the things that the character Gandhi said in this regard. He said he could not act violently against anyone who was acting unrighteously, because he too had faults. Instead, he chose to humbly stand up to what he felt was right through an active resistance to partaking in that which was unrighteous. Very importantly, standing up to unrighteousness started within his own self. He held himself up to the same standards that he inspired the world to live by.

 

All of us, unless you are a fully realized being, have vasanas (negative tendencies). No one is "free from sin", so to speak. No one has the right to judge or criticize anyone, because likely they too likely possess the very traits (to some degree or another) that they tend to criticize.

 

As I said last week, to me, the foundation of yoga practice is humility. Spiritual evolution seems to start there. Through humility, we become receptive to that which is much greater than our ego; and we can allow ourselves to be guided by it.

 

No one is perfect. Part of our journey as an aspiring yogi is to understand that and practice compassion. Do you have a tendency to gossip? Yes, likely you do. Does your yoga teacher? Yes, likely they do too. So does everyone who is not realized. We all have that tendency. The difference between an aspiring yogi and one who is still completely unawake is the willingness to work that vasana muscle.

 

With regards to your ashtanga teacher, you can do a few things:

 

- You can choose to simply watch your teacher's tendency to gossip and understand that it is a mirror providing you with an opportunity to practice the release of your own tendency to do so.

- Upon this understanding and from the vantage point of interconnection (not from a place of judgment or self-righteousness), you can quietly speak with your teacher about how you feel uncomfortable about that tendency and ask for more information as to why he/she tends to do that. It is often through the understanding of tendencies, finding out the story behind the action, that we can quickly develop compassion for others' habits. As Longfellow said: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." Through understanding, we build compassion.

- You can learn these lessons within yourself and move to find another teacher.

 

Remember that whatever you choose, it is likely that you will need to continue to practice satya yourself. Be humble enough to see that there is no one perfect and, as such, you have a million opportunities a day to let go of your own negative tendencies (vasanas) and practice compassion for all the ignorance and suffering you see within and around you.

 

Tomorrow, we will look a bit more at gossip and how it hurts in Gossip Hurts.

See you then,

Parvati

Ask Parvati 28: Enlightenment and Emotions - Part 2: Enlightenment Now

PART 2: ENLIGHTENMENT NOW

(Continued from What Is Enlightenment?)

“Self-realization is the knowing - in body, mind and soul - that we are one with the omnipresence of God; that we do not have to pray that it come to us, that we are not merely near it at all times, but that God's omnipresence is our omnipresence; that we are just as much a part of Him now as we ever will be. All we have to do is improve our knowing.” - Paramahamsa Yogananda

It is my understanding from my meditation practice, and from guidance from great teachers, that our state of unity with the One already exists, but we, for the most part, cannot see it because we are so busy, so caught up with our mind. This is why great masters tell us, it already is, that we can rest into the perfection of the now.

We on the other hand are used to identifying with our mind, to feeling that our ego is in control. We do not allow ourselves to trust and to let go. It is a bit like we are so focused on a tiny speck of cloud, thinking that it is the entire world, we miss the vastness of the sky and the infinite expanse of the universe. Amma describes this attachment to our ego so beautifully:

“Nobody likes to let go of the ego - it is so precious to everyone. However, once you have attained the state of egolessness, the world won't disappear, as you may think it will. The world will continue, but a chance takes place within you. Something is uncovered. You start seeing everything with the wonder and innocence of a child.”

We know that we are evolving, and that through evolution, we change. So we know that change is part of the process of moving towards enlightenment. However, the greats tell us that enlightenment does not actually involve change in the way most of us would think it to mean.

Most of us see change as to mean “be other than you are”, a sort of moving away from and moving towards something else. Yet the enlightened masters tell us that what we seek does not exist “out there”, but only in the infinite expanse of the now. We are told that what we seek is already here. We are told that what we are is already perfection. Great teachers like Eckhart Tolle say, “You find God the moment you realize that you don't need to seek God.”

Those kinds of thoughts can quickly become mentally confusing. Like the famous Zen koan by the Japanese teacher Hakuin Ekaky, “Two hands clap and there is a sound. What is the sound of one hand?” designed to throw a wrench in the mind’s sense of control, statement from the enlightened can leave us feeling confused, our minds reeling. For example, how can we become enlightened and also not change?

Most of us who are seeking to better ourselves or who consider enlightenment as a goal know that we have bad habits that must be overcome in order for us to evolve. In Sanskrit, teachers refer to these as our “vasanas”, our negative tendencies. We know we get ourselves into painful situations and we would like to stop doing so. So how can we already be in a state of perfection?

It seems that most of us get caught up in “wanting” to be other than we are, and therein lies the rub. We “want” to be free. We “want” to be happy. We “want” enlightenment. We “want” to have fewer emotional reactions or more emotional connection, so we live with anticipations and expectations, in dissonance with the fullness of the present moment. How many of us know how to let go and be with what actually is, now?

Eckhart Tolle says, “Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.”

The benevolent group of channeled guides from the Causal Realm known warmly as The Team beautifully repeat in most of their teachings that we are to practice non-resistance to what is. In previous blog entries, I have explored this idea in many different ways. If we are to move into an enlightened state and flow with emotions with wisdom compassion, we must practice non-resistance to what is.

We tend to live in a push/pull dynamic, resisting what is because we deem it “bad”, or we grab onto it because we deem it “good”. This is what the mind does. It divides. It categorizes. It tries to control, so that we feel important. But we are told that enlightenment is beyond the mind, so we know that somehow, the mind, our thoughts and our ego interfere with the experience of enlightenment.

We speak of the mind easily, as though we understand what it is. But what is the mind? How does it interfere with our evolutionary journey towards the One? And how do we get beyond it?

(Continued tomorrow with What Is The Mind?)

Ask Parvati 6 - Seeing Past the Shimmer: Discernment on the Spiritual Path

Seeing Past the Shimmer: Discernment on the Spiritual Path

April 3, 2011

Thank you for all the questions submitted this past week. In this week's blog, we take a look at the shadow of spiritual seekers. Please send your questions to be picked for next week’s topic to ask@parvatidevi.com by Thursday, April 7.

If you have not yet done so, please listen to the meditation for Japan that I recorded recently to support those in need. I am grateful for your help in passing it on.

Peace,

Parvati

Dear Parvati,

I have a friend that I find confusing. She is sweet, an active spiritual seeker who volunteers and seems to care for others. But when I am around her, I feel uneasy. When I ask myself why, I feel in my gut that I can’t trust her. She seems spiritually wise, so I find it hard to understand the reaction I have. My gut tells me she is hiding something, like she is not what she seems. How can you tell when a person is truly the light they project or is shining light as a decoy to nasties in their personal basement?

The Shadow of the Spiritual Seeker

Thank you for this question. When I lived in India for a year where I eventually met my guru, I was known for saying that I was seeking yogis, not bogies. As they say, not all that shimmers is gold. And the world of a spiritual seeker is no exception. There are a lot of self-proclaimed prophets who are attached to power rather than learning to serve. As spiritual aspirants we need to learn to discern the fool’s gold from the real gems.

Sometimes people think being spiritual is being a Pollyanna, pretending to be perfect and ok with all that comes, while really feeling in knots on the inside. I am sure you have heard people say “it’s all good”, when you can see terror in their eyes, glazed by a thick dose of denial.

Other people misinterpret the spiritual phrase “we each are expressions of the Divine” and begin to think of themselves as gods, rather than energies in respectful and humble service to a wise, potent, co-creative, flowing force with immensity beyond our wildest imagination.

Thinking of yourself as either better than or worse than another is an expression of the ego and is an easy pitfall for anyone. I find the power of discernment, rather than judgment, to be a key tool on my spiritual journey. It fills me with the possibility to witness that which is, rather than separate myself from the moment and impose my own story on it. I can pause, enquire, feel, explore and see, before I act. Judging something closes my mind to it, whereas discernment supports my choice to co-create with energies that amplify the presence of I AM consciousness. Out of guilt, self-pity, loneliness or fear I may allow myself to get pulled into energies that are tricky and pull me off path. Discernment helps me see that.

Each one of us has a unique life force that flows through us. We each are the gatekeepers of that life force. When we experience energies that do not expansively support that life force, it is healthy to say no to them. It is essential to remember that everything that happens in our life is an opportunity for us to grow. That which we see in another is a reflection of ourselves. That which we cannot stand in another we cannot stand in ourselves. That which makes us judge another is some thing we judge in ourselves.

Trickiness Disguised as the Light

Here is a little anecdote to which you may relate:

I feel I have known Stephanie before. Perhaps it is a past life thing, or perhaps because I feel I have met many people like her on the spiritual path. On this journey to help heal the planet, it is no coincidence that I would meet a woman with such beauty that seems on the same wavelength but also seems to carry a darkness that I sense could act out hurtfully at any moment.

Having sought the Divine through drugs and alcohol, she came to yoga, meditation and healing naturally through her own painful journey. Born out of necessity, she is a good healer. But she must manage her shadow moment to moment lest it take over. When things don’t go her way, she explodes into temper tantrums and exhibits powerful rage. Yet once the heat has passed, she has forgotten all about it, as though it never happened.

In the minds of many people like Stephanie, it never really did. Deeply attached to her self-perception as a spiritual person, in denial about the depth of her own pain, she uses her spiritual insight and energy to try to control the moment, rather than humbly meeting it, because she is too afraid to see her own vulnerability and lack of control, and touch her inner wounds.

We all have an aspect of Stephanie in us but to varying degrees. Some people live by denial and don’t even know it has become their core identity. I have met very few people who I would say are evil. But I have seen evil energy come charging through people, even those I have called friends. Such is the risk when one opens, when one seeks. One must be ultimately discerning on the spiritual path.

Just because a person has a guru, and feels they are committed to the light, does not mean that they will act in righteous ways. I have seen practicing yogis and healers fly into a rage when their buttons get pushed, toke up before teaching a yoga class, eat a hamburger before giving a lecture on the necessity of being vegetarian. It takes a certain fierce courage to be willing to face one’s ego and meet the moment as it is, not as we want it to be. It is a kind of death, a death of the temporal to be born again into the infinite. A real gem of a spiritual aspirant will not be overly shiny, but will radiate a warm humility, a potent kindness, a strong, inner steadiness and fierce dispassion. By resting in vast stillness, the infinite light shines through.

Spin Doctors and ego tricks

The ego is a tricky place. It only seeks self-service. As such, it is a voracious consumer and life force constrictor. It can be trickiest to see the ego in people who are spiritually minded. Having adopted a certain skill in the unseen, it is easy for people with spiritual knowing to learn how to manufacture perceptions that manipulate and twist reality to suit their own shadow. They know how to turn situations around to make it seem like it is you who is off path. This is a powerful aversion technique, and sadly, it is really they who most lose out. Through manipulation and often heavy doses of denial, the opportunity to look within is side-stepped. I call these people Spin Doctors.

To help avoid this shadow tendency, yogis are classically taught by an enlightened guru who has the fierce ability to mould the aspirant’s consciousness so they may have purity of heart and use subtle spiritual power only for the good of all. Many spiritual aspirants are unaware that they use spiritual energy to amplify their ego attachments. Learning to navigate through that tendency is part of an ongoing aspect of spiritual maturation. Our shadows lie dormant in the corners of our personalities until situations that push our buttons and go against our will activate them, giving us a chance to see them, if we are humble and courageous enough to do so.

A Call to Compassion

I believe we are all a lot more alike than different. I would say that the light you see in your friend is a reflection of the light you see in yourself. And the shadow you sense in him/her is a reflection of your own discomfort with your own inner shadow.

Whether you are acquaintances or are best of friends, whether you hang out every day for the rest of your life or never see the person again, is secondary to the opportunity to grow from this now and deepen your own spiritual awareness. I would see this friend as a gift from the universe for you to learn greater discernment, practice tuning into what you are feeling in the moment and acting in a way that honours your inner voice.

Next time you are around this person, ask yourself:

• Do I feel expansive now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• Do I feel safe now? If not, how come? If yes, how come?
• What wonderful qualities do I see in this person? How are these aspects of myself?
• What can I not stand in this person? How are those aspects of myself?
• Can I allow myself to just be, watch this person/situation as it is, without reacting?
• Does it feel rooted, vital and expansive for me to stay with this person now? If yes, stay. If no, go.

As a tool to learn discernment and develop compassion, I mention above to ask yourself in the moment if it feels rooted, vital and expansive to stay with that person or move along. This question is a powerful litmus test to see if the sparkly, Pollyanna side in you is in fact masking your own shadow, as you hang out with someone who may be doing the same. If it does feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay, then do so and fully relax and meet the moment in all its wonder. If it does not feel rooted, vital and expansive to stay and you choose to stay, then you too would be playing the shimmer game by remaining. It is far more honest and compassionate to all involved (which includes you!) to kindly choose to interact no longer, wish the other well, and move on.

The gift here is in the power to discern what feels expansive and supportive for you and learning to accept both yourself and others exactly where you each are at. We don’t need to be friends with everyone, but I believe we are called to learn to love everyone, equally. By “love” I don’t mean a sentimental attachment, but a commitment to be real, honest, open, humble and courageous in this moment. By “love” I mean developing the state of witness consciousness, to see all of life… the beautiful, the painful, the glorious, the ugly… unfold as it is.

Love is like a flower that blooms in the fertile soil of self-love. As we learn to love ourselves exactly as we are, we become able to love others as they are by seeing through appearances and being present for what is, without judgment, attachment, fear, guilt or trying to change the outside world to suit our needs. In every moment we have the choice to embrace our evolution or resist it in some way. By rooting our actions in self-love, by practicing discernment through non-attachment, we can learn to cultivate timeless love and see beyond temporal, manufactured sparkles into eternal, expansive light.

Ask Parvati 4 - Spring Cleaning: Change Happens Where You Are

Spring Cleaning: Change Happens Where You Are

March 20, 2011

Happy Spring to everyone. Thank you for your comments on my last blog and your question submissions. May we all continue to pray for Japan and the health of our planet and all beings.

Dear Parvati,

There are things in my life I want to change but can’t seem to figure out how. For example, I love my partner who also has some bad habits I really want to change. I also have been trying for years to make more money, but continue to make the same income and not get ahead in debt payments. How do I change things I don’t like in my life?

Thank you for this question. I am sure many can relate. How does change happen? We often say we want change, when really we are afraid of change. Holding on for dear life to old patterns in our thoughts, in our cells, in our action, we find ourselves without the results we want and repeatedly back in similar situations. We blame circumstance, others, even God, for the events in our life and can easily get stuck in self-criticism. Try and try as we do, here we are again right back to where we don’t want to be! So what is going on?

Often our knee jerk reaction, when we want something to change, is to see the problem as ‘out there’ so we go out and try to fix the situation or person to our liking. But this leads to further unhappiness. The funny thing about change is that it does not happen ‘over there’, but exactly where we are. If we could stop the inner push/pull that goes on endlessly within for a moment, the ‘wanting’ for things to be different, we just might find that the steps we thought were an absent mystery beyond are in fact right under our feet.

I love the word “understanding”. To me it shows us that when we fully see what is happening in this moment, we become aware of how we are fully supported. We are standing under, rooted in reality. And there we find sincere inspiration, momentum and traction to meet the possibility of change.

Life is in constant change. What in nature stays exactly as it is? Change happens when we are willing to see things as they are, rather than how we want them to be. By accepting what is, we are not giving in, but tapping into the flow of Nature, which is ever changing. By not resisting, we are open to the flow of life that always moves in the direction of evolution, which is in our highest good and in the good of all beings.

By being unwilling to see what is in this moment, we perpetuate our feeling of dissatisfaction and as a consequence, pain grows. By resisting what is we create a push/pull dynamic in which we are identified with being the doer rather that a co-creative participant or an unattached witness. As such, we become frustrated, feel alone and experience a roller coaster of highs and lows from conquest to defeat. This cycle is draining and does not serve anyone.

So then what really is change? Change arises from a place of active beingness, when we are willing to live fully awake and surrendered to the moment. What is so great about the moment anyway, you ask? Life. In the moment, there is a spark that guides us to our next evolutionary step that is perfect and uniquely tailor-made just for us.

The next time you move to inwardly or outwardly criticize your partner’s behaviour, pause for a moment. Practice instead seeing that person exactly as they are.  You may not like what you see. That is ok. You may feel uncomfortable. That is ok. You may want to run and hide. That is ok. You may feel alone, angry, sad, etc. That is ok. Whatever is right there, be with it.

The same goes for your finances. The next time that bill comes in the mail, notice your feelings about it. Rather than making a joke of it to push away any feelings of discomfort, or rather than getting angry about it and feeling like a helpless victim, just see it, for what it is. Notice the situation with eyes awake. Only by being willing to truly see, can you truly see what is the expansive course of action. Knee-jerk reactions cause pain. Rooted, surrendered, expansive responses are a win-win for everyone, even if some people may not see it that way. It is a win-win because in that choice, you are in flow with the very force of life itself and in so doing, you are in support of the good of all beings everywhere.

EXERCISE IN CHANGE

1) Acceptance is not blind and resigned, but active and awake. Life is not happening to you; you are an active co-creator in actualizing what is. You are not an isolated island, but part of an intelligent whole. So try this exercise to help you feel more rooted, expansive and vital in your life and embrace the possibility of change:

2) Find a quiet place to lie on your back, so that you can relax without the risk of falling asleep. Bend your knees and place your feet flat on the floor about hip width apart so that your breathing is easy, deep and relaxed.

3) Breathe into your belly, allowing the rhythm of the breath to bring your mind deeper into this moment, into your body, into the feeling of the here and now. Go deeper into yourself and feel the connection your body has with the floor. Then feel the connection your breath has with the outside air and how it flows into your body. Know that the air you breathe that feeds your being is also connected to all of life, all animals, all humans, all things alive.

Take a moment to feel that interconnection between you, life and all things. Feel the immense possibility of life itself. Allow your being to expand, to open to this life force that is in you, around you, everywhere. Stay rooted in your body by still feeling the ground, your breath, and include the expansive awareness you also feel. Allow yourself to open to receive this possibility in this moment, feel it in your breath and in your cells. While maintaining that presence, say to yourself:

• I am supported. I am open, ready and willing to receive support. I am. I am. I am.

Feel that truth in your whole being. Repeat it like you were feeding your cells with this lush, rich, expansive place. Repeat it until you truly feel it. Then say:

• I am open to abundance. I am open, ready and willing to receive abundance. I am. I am. I am.

Feel that truth in your whole being. Repeat it like you were feeding your cells with this lush, rich, expansive place. Repeat it until you truly feel it.

Keep going, making statements that feel expansive and are about yourself. Keep the focus within and on yourself, not on another. Focus on the positive possibilities of being you, not on wanting to change either someone else’s or your own impossibilities. Be present with the possibilities of the now because change happens exactly where you are.

Ask Parvati 1: Getting Unstuck and Finding Your Passion

Getting Unstuck and Finding Your Passion
February 27, 2011


Thank you very much for your submissions to this first in a series of ‘Ask Parvati’ blogs. The lucky winner of the first draw asked a wonderful question that I believe many can relate to about finding your life’s passion.


If you would like your question answered next Sunday, make sure you send it to me by Thursday, March 3rd at: ask@parvatidevi.com. I will draw one question to answer each week.


Have a super week and enjoy the read.
Parvati


QUESTION:


Dear Parvati,


I feel stuck. I want to find my life passion, something that makes me spark, but I feel like I am in the dark. I have many ideas, but none really stick. I'm capable of doing many things, but nothing seems like it could develop into a passion. Why do I feel like I'm destined to be in search of a passion for the rest of my life without ever finding it?

REPLY:


Dear Friend,


Thank you for reaching out, especially when you are feeling in the dark. There are many who would harbor resentment and live in that darkness for the rest of their lives. The fact that you are open to asking questions, to searching, to knowing yourself better, to discovering what brings you joy, is wonderful. It means that you are at some level moving, growing and receptive to possibility.

The desire to find your passion is beautiful. I do believe we each are born with unique talents and gifts that we are called to both personally enjoy and also share with the world. Due to conditioning from our past, we can learn to suppress our inner voice. We can live our lives for others rather than being inwardly guided by our unique soul voice. It usually takes time and practice to learn to honour an authentic expression of our true self. So please, take heart and give yourself a gentle pat on the back for being open to finding your voice.

The idea of “finding your passion” may feel a bit overwhelming because perhaps you have set up an all-or-nothing scenario for yourself. With that pressure on, you may find it hard to give yourself the permission to explore and trust how things make you feel. From my experience, life is constantly evolving and unfolding. Most of us are taught to think in terms of ‘arriving’, like we will ‘get there’ and our lives will be perfect and all will be in order. But it is not so. Just like nature is always responding to change, we grow, we shift and we evolve. Change and evolution are life.

When life feels dizzying, my motto is to put my feet on the ground. When inner stakes feel high, it is useful to start doing something that makes you feel expansive, right now. Chasing illusions of perfection tomorrow can lead to an empty and endless search. So choose to do something today that makes you feel like you want to get out of bed this morning.

Doing one simple activity that makes you feel alive is like switching yourself on to what makes you feel connected, in this moment. From that choice in the moment to connect to your joy, a life based on inner connection can flower. It is like the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. A single step feeling connected to something begins a life feeling connected. Life is one moment unfolding after another. In that place of greater lightness and expansion, your deeper joys will become clearer to you, one breath at a time.

It is very powerful to remind ourselves that we are constantly co-creating our life. We are not victims of something "happening to us". What we experience in the outer world is a reflection of what we think and believe. Inside and out are beautifully interconnected. If we are willing, open and ready, life provides us with a powerful opportunity to learn and grow deeply. Life is like a mirror that constantly reflects ourselves back to ourselves. Trouble is, most of us are attached to seeing things or living things the way we want them to be, the way we think will make us happy.


Many people think that one thing will make them happy, like that one perfect partner, or that one ideal job, that one glam outfit or car or hair cut or whatever! But it won't. All things in life are fleeting. We tend to "want" rather than be. When we let go of the grip of "wanting" (like a closed fist) and allow ourselves to truly begin to open (like an open palm), we touch a place of infinite fulfillment that is not limited to the activity we are doing in that moment. Our lives flower from the inside out as an expression of our deepest joy, our interconnection to all of life. Our lives become soul-directed, in service, expansive and alive, rather than wanting-directed, based on fear, disconnect and constriction.


EXERCISE:


I believe in the power of writing your own obituary. I don’t mean this in a morbid way whatsoever. I find it a very powerful exercise. Make a list and keep it in a safe place, like on your shrine, or in your diary, or frame it to see it every day. Write down how you want to be remembered. Answer these questions:

• What do you leave behind when you go?
• How do you want to feel when you leave this fabulous planet?
• What do you need to do now to feel that way?
• What do you want to do, see, touch, feel like?

Life is temporal. We all leave at some point. So why not know what you want to feel like when you do and start today working towards that goal? I find this keeps a strong life-focus. It is like working with the idea that hindsight is 20/20. And start there. Forget the rest. Life does go quickly. So it is good to keep focused on things that make you say yes to life.


SUMMARY / TIPS


I do believe that you are meant to live your heart’s joy. There is time to enjoy, to do what you love. In this way, life is perfect. Start right here, right now, exactly where you are. Take small steps, one foot after the other, with an open heart, a ready mind and in a willing state. Your life then unfolds, one moment after the other, into a deep joy that you can share with the world.

Here are some things I know to be true from my life that you may find useful along your path:


1) We are complete, infinite, abundant beings that are attached to the illusion of separation, fear and scarcity
2) All actions from a place of wanting and disconnection create suffering
3) All actions from a place of joy bring healing, connection, abundance and fulfillment to ourselves and all beings
4) When you have a choice to make, ask yourself, ‘Does this make me feel rooted, vital and expansive?’ Only do things that make you feel grounded, alive and evolving.
5) There is no job that is too small or unimportant. If you love it (and it does not break any law), then it is perfect.

Finding Balance in Relationships: Challenging Your Core Beliefs

Finding Balance in Relationships: Challenging Your Core Beliefs

Why Relationships

Unless we live in a total isolated vacuum, we encounter relationships. We have relationships with everything, be it friends, family, spouses, our communities as well as all that exists within nature and the world around us. We also have the very important relationship with our own self, which from a spiritual perspective sets the foundation for the way we interact in all our relationships.

As an extension of my last blog, I would like to go a bit deeper into understanding relationships, in particular, looking at how to find balance in relationships. Likely we all have experienced at some point or another feeling unheard or unloved, or we have found ourselves in power struggles with another. Sometimes painful relationships can become life patterns, revisiting the same scenarios again and again, yet we do not know how to get out of them. We want change but we are not sure where to begin. Most often we try to change the other person into who we want them to be, rather than witnessing them as they are. Or perhaps we get fed up with them not changing, so we try to find the “right” person who will better fit our desires. Yet often the very same unconscious forces that got us into those initial relationships still drive our decisions, so our relationships may continue in a similar manner. Meanwhile, deep within, a still, quiet voice may be trying to tell us through our dreams, or the rising of painful emotions or through health issues, that our lives are not in balance with our true potential.

Relationships themselves are an abundant source of learning, when we understand what we are doing in them. When we see relationships as a gift and opportunity to learn to truly love and for enriched personal growth, we can evolve deeply and quickly. By interacting with others and sharing the gift of this moment, by being open and receptive to meet the other as they are, we live enrich our lives. The Chinese Taoist master Lao Tzu from the sixth century B.C. reminds us: "If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be truly fulfilled." Yogis, sages and spiritual masters tell us to look within to find lasting joy. So we know that the key to finding balance in relationships starts from finding balance in our relationship to our selves. Jesus advised people to treat others the way they wish to be treated. We could also say, we tend to treat others the way we treat ourselves. All that we experience in our life is a reflection of our own inner experience. The more balance we have within, the more balance we experience without.

In order to find balance in relationships, we need to become conscious of what really is driving our choices. In order get conscious, we need to accept that life is not a random series of circumstances that are passively happening to us, but that what we experience is a reflection of our deeper beliefs and past karmic tendencies. We are co-creating our reality. If we want our relationships to change, our inner dialogue and unconscious beliefs that sculpt our life choices must change. By getting to know who we are through meditation and spiritual practices, we learn to transform our unconscious belief patterns and projected perceptions so that we may receive the moment with unattached clarity. The call to be responsible for all that happens in our lives as a reflection of our own state of consciousness asks us to open to life and participate fully as who we are. Why? Because we can. All that tells us that we are not capable is illusion. This is an act of spiritual sobriety that dissolves the tendency to feel disconnected from life and invokes the expression of our inner most magnificent Self.

In my last blog, I shared how I choose to look at relationships that push my buttons. In every circumstance, we have an opportunity to learn and grow by seeing all as a reflection in our own inner dialogue. When we experience relationship patterns that violate us, for example, we know that at some level, we believe that relationships violate. When we step back, we rationally know that a violating relationship is not healthy. But we create circumstances that reflect the way we believe relationships to be. We likely have experienced violation in the past, this lifetime or other, so we repeat the same pattern until we wake up and choose otherwise. We create what we know because we believe that to be real. And we may be trying to heal past wounds through recreating similar circumstances in which we can grow. As we transform the way we experience the moment by receiving it and being present, we have greater choice and possibility.

In an ultimate sense, we are not able to understand the full energy exchange in any given situation until we are enlightened. We are not yet all seeing and all knowing. What goes on in the unseen world at the level of karma remains a mystery for most of us. For us to find balance then in relationship, we must go within and look at what our core beliefs are about relationships. Do we truly feel that we can be loved? Do we sincerely feel that love exists? Maybe consciously we do, but deeper, maybe we do not feel we deserve to be loved. As we go deeper within and find the distorted stories in our psyche, we can begin to rewrite our journey and make different choices. We have guideposts, clues, along the path of self-awakening. We learn to support what feels expansive within and release that which feels constrictive. When we explore our relationships from that vantage point, we can see that expansion supports our evolution, and constriction keeps us in some way in a state of disconnection and suffering.

Understanding Core Beliefs

Everyone’s core beliefs are different, depending on our unique journey. Each one of us will find balance in our relationships in different ways as everyone has an individual soul voice and path. So I encourage you to write out what your core beliefs may be about your relationships. These core beliefs are driving your thoughts, choices and actions. These are creating your reality.

I have done the following exercise in different ways over the years, because I keep finding new things about myself within it. Find a quiet place and set aside about 20-30minutes of time. Have a computer or pen and paper handy. With the intention to be transparently honest with yourself about what you deeply believe about these topics, ask yourself the following questions:

1)     What do I believe about myself?

2)     What do I believe about others?

3)     What do I believe about women?

4)     What do I believe about men?

5)     What do I believe about intimate relationships?

6)     Do I believe I can find a life partner? How come?

7)     What do I believe about my job?

8)     What do I believe about my career path?

9)     What do I believe about being fulfilled?

Be creative. Be open. Write other questions – like what do I believe about sex, money, fun, etc… if you feel so inspired and keep diving deep. You are like an archeologist on a treasure hunt. Then review. Reread and set this aside. You may do this exercise as often as you can to keep finding new things.

Then take a new piece of paper or open a new document and answer the questions as to what you would like to believe, such as:

1)     What would I like to believe about myself?

2)     What would I like to believe about others?

etc...

Step back and take a look at both sets of answers, what you do believe and what you would like to believe. Are they the same? If they are the same, you likely feel aligned and fulfilled in that area of your life. Well done. If they are not, that is fine. You have room for growth.

My practice shows me that replacing one thought for another does not work over the long term because we need to practice a deeper inner restructuring and release process. We likely are still holding onto the old beliefs, trying to fit new ones over top. So instead, contemplate the gap between the two. That is your growth edge. Allow yourself to expand by releasing the attachments to the existing belief by understanding what it is, and what it creates. When you clearly see that what you believe is creating something that brings you suffering, you no longer choose to give it power, so you naturally and spontaneously release. In that moment of letting go, there is space in which the new belief can take root. A way to get to understand fully a core belief that does not serve our greatest good is to challenge it. If you believe for example that love does not exist, you can ask yourself the questions: “Really? Love does not exist? I felt a really open, warm energy that felt like love the other day. It must exist!” By challenging core beliefs that do not serve us, we build lasting inner confidence in our ability to grow. Because we feel the expansion of possibility and capability, letting go and opening to the new becomes that much easier.

Relationship Principles

I have found, no matter what our personal belief system may be, no matter what our unique soul expression may be, all relationships are governed by a few fundamental spiritual principles. To me, they are:

1)     That which I do to myself, I do to all beings.

2)     The way I treat another is the way I treat myself.

3)     When I choose expansion, everybody wins.

4)     When I serve the creative flow, (that which is much greater than my limited ego or will) I support evolution in myself and in all beings.

As perhaps a simple guide, or point of inspiration, I would like to share here that which inspires me to experience balance in my relationships. These are a reflection of how I choose to live. You are welcome to feel inspired to use these or create your own. Remember, you only get what you really, truly want - to live the love you are - when you are dedicated to awakening and following your I AM evolutionary journey. That is the foundation that inspires my list.

1)     Supporting basic needs:

I choose to cultivate relationships that support my basic needs, such as food and shelter. With this foundation, I support and feel supported in my I AM evolution, which supports all beings being rooted in I AM.

2)     Emotional support:

I choose to cultivate relationships where I feel emotionally supported being beautifully and uniquely myself. Through listening and feeling received, I feel there is room for me to express my needs and be heard doing so. There is room to follow my flow and create in my unique way.

3)     Healthy Boundaries:

I choose to cultivate relationships that respect my boundaries. I feel I can be myself. I have the space I need to heal, grow and learn. We respect each other’s needs equally, sharing with kindness.

4)     Cultivating Joy

I choose to cultivate relationships where there is heart, learning to live with compassion for all beings. The heart is like a joy flower. Its very nature is joy just as my essential nature is joy. Sharing from the heart, we are witness to and receive each other’s magnificence.

5)     Having a voice:

I choose to cultivate relationships where everyone has the right to express their needs, feelings, dreams and ideas. I feel heard and respected when I give voice to what I wish to express. My relationships support the right for myself and all beings to have a voice.

6)     To see and be seen:

I choose to cultivate relationships where I am seen as I am, not as another may want me to be. My sight and insights are received and respected. I am supported in clearly seeing that which is.

7)     Supporting evolution

I choose to be in relationships that support my soul’s evolution. By support my soul’s evolution, I support all beings evolving. In this way, my relationships support self-less service to all beings everywhere.

May we all find ourselves cultivating balanced joy, love, service and expansion in all our relationships so that all beings everywhere may be free.

Lokah Samastha Sukshino Bhavantu.

Jai Ma,

Parvati