Ask Parvati 31: Relationship Complications - Part 1, Jealousy and the Ego

RELATIONSHIP COMPLICATIONS

Dear Parvati:

I know jealous thoughts and feelings come from our ego but why, if I know that, do they hurt so badly? What part of my ego is in resistance? What relation is there between unfaithful and cheated on past experiences? How can I transcend anger, lack of confidence and self esteem when I know is ego playing tricks in my mind and these situation is unresolved? How can I heal past relationships wounds and let go to start living my life? It seems I have this pending topic 12 years ago and I fell on a depression state but in that moment I didn't follow a therapy or anything. How can I deal with that and start trusting myself and a possible future partner, from a difference perspective out of ego?? It hurts so bad and I feel blackened...

Thanks for your kind advice.

Thank you very much for your question this week, which really is a series of many questions! I will be answering them over the course of this week. I answered in a more conversational tone, like a question answer discussion, due to the many questions that were sent in here. I also reference other blog posts I wrote as this question touches upon many topics I have looked at over the past year. Please send in your questions to be answered for next week at ask@parvatidevi.com.

Relationships are complicated for most of us. We hardly have a handle on how to relate to ourselves in a healthy manner, let alone to another person. And perhaps, that is part of the problem. Because we look for fulfilment outside ourselves, we end up not focusing on developing a strong foundation for inter-personal relationships. All relationships that last must be built on a strong relationship to our self, one that is rooted in self-respect and self-love. We can only love another as well as we love ourselves. Yet even when relationships don't work out the way we had hoped, we can find healing and personal growth. Our capacity to love can deepen. If we are willing to have humility and look at what life is mirroring back to us, we may just find that the person we once loved, then hated, we can still love, in gratitude for the lessons they brought into our life. Life is constantly teaching us and supporting our evolution. All things that happen are Grace. If you have not read last week's blog topic on Creating Your Reality, you may find it helpful.

PART ONE: JEALOUSY AND THE EGO

Question: I know jealous thoughts and feelings come from our ego but why, if I know that, do they hurt so badly?

My answer: Things hurt because we are attached to that which is impermanent. We want things to be exactly as we want them to be. That is our ego. But life is full of change. It is ever evolving. If we hinge our happiness on that which is impermanent, we had best be prepared to learn to let go, or we will get hurt.

We identify with things happening "to me", rather than feeling we are part of a much greater whole. We think life is someone else's doing, rather than our thoughts reflected back to us. If your thoughts hurt, then you are identifying with those thoughts as real. Jealous thoughts are just a reaction from a wounded place that does not yet see the full picture of what is. If we were to reveal the hidden mysteries in each moment, we could only love. When we feel pain, we have not yet found Truth.

If you feel jealousy, then you are feeling a lack of love. Jealousy only comes when we feel we are not enough, not loved enough, not talented enough, not good looking enough… If you are identified with not enough in any way, you will feel jealous.

Question: What part of my ego is in resistance?

My answer: I appreciate the desire to ask this question. However, I feel that to ask what part of the ego is in resistance ultimately does not matter. The question in itself come from the ego's trickiness. If you are asking this question, your attention is focused on trying to figure out the ego, and in so doing (the ego loves this!) your consciousness moves deeper towards the ego. Is it not enough to simply know it is ego, a sense of "me" that is living in disconnected defensiveness? Is that not enough to let it go? When we focus on trying to find what part of the ego is in resistance, it can be a trick, because we are focusing on the ego, the temporal, the divided, rather than focusing on the divine, the eternal, the universal.

When you find yourself focusing on trying to figure out what part of the ego is in resistance, simply pause. Be still within and embrace this moment as it is. Allow yourself to see that you are face to face with your ego. Do not try to push it away. Do not run from it. Just stay right there, with it in stillness. Breathe. Breathe more. Allow yourself to be. My sense is, in that stillness, when you shift your focus from from trying to pin or attack or conquer the ego, to a space that embraces the ego, you will find insight and possibility begin to flow. There will be awakened spaciousness. You will see, from a place of witnessing, what lies behind the jealousy and hurt. If you gently rest your focus on the space around the ego, you will allow the voice of your soul to speak. Give yourself room to feel the space around the ego. In that space is the flow of self love. That way you are present for the ego without getting entangled in it.

You may find the blog I wrote on jealousy very helpful: , especially the entry that looks at the notion of "It's happening TO me".

(Continued tomorrow with Faith and the Unfaithful)

Ask Parvati 25: Depression And Despair - Part 6: The Angels Are Among Us

PART 6: THE ANGELS ARE AMONG US

(Continued from The Power Of Perception And Core Beliefs)

Whether we are depressed, despaired or not, at a very deep level in most of us, we experience the fear of aloneness and disconnection, a primal fear of lack of love. As we mature, we get to know ourselves more intimately, more lovingly, and hopefully treat ourselves with more kindness and acceptance. We learn to touch deep fears and rest more fully in an eternally loving presence of the now. Though we can see that our ego talks in the language of fear, we know we are safe, loved, supported and connected beyond what we understand.

I was recently walking in an area of the city where there was a lot of commotion. I noticed how my body was becoming tense and my gait more resistant. I took the change in my body as a form of communication, so I went inside and listened to what I was feeling.

When I tuned in, I found that I did not feel safe. Rather than putting on a mask and pretending I was fine, tough, had-it-all-together and was strong, I did the complete opposite. I inwardly called to the universe, shared my fear, and asked the angels with sincere honesty for help to feel safe. I shared with the angels for a moment what I was feeling and knew that I was heard. I asked them to be with me.

Seconds later, I joke not, I came upon a group of two women and three children I had never met before that were about to pass me on the sidewalk. As we approached each other, I was alerted to their presence when one child opened her arms as wide as she could and shouted with the most delightful, playful smile on her face: “Stop! You can’t cross here!”

I was feeling open and in the flow, so I immediately joined in her game. I opened my arms just as wide to greet her and said, “Ok! I am here!”

The next thing I knew, these two beautiful girls, perhaps four and five, came up to my legs and wrapped their whole bodies around me, sending me complete, grounded, unconditional love. I could feel my body relax and my being settle in their embrace. I breathed in the connection and became aware that the angels were in our midst.

After a minute or so of this precious, gracious exchange, the two mothers who were just as surprised as I was with this exchange, suggested to the children that it was time to go. Gently the two little girls let go of my legs and thighs, and we shared a glance that was rooted in open, unspoken understanding. I continued my walk with rooted freedom, openness and ease.

The angels are always with us, looking over us, watching our every step. They come in many forms, seen and unseen, old and young. We can touch them, access them, when we are willing to ask, and willing to receive.

The angels had just blessed me. Miracles are everywhere. I certainly was not alone. Nor are you.

May you feel loved and supported in every moment of every day. It may be just as simple as asking, opening and being receptive to the possibility that you are love, that you are loved in ways you cannot see or understand. Even when clouds cover the sky, the sun is always shining.

Much love,

Parvati

(PS: Next submission will be posted this coming Sunday. Be well till then!)

 

Ask Parvati 25: Depression And Despair - Part 5: The Power Of Perception And Core Beliefs

PART 5: THE POWER OF PERCEPTION AND CORE BELIEFS

(Continued from Depression And Anger)

We are what we think ourselves to be. We are what we perceive. We are what we believe. I am not suggesting that life can be summed up by “you think, therefore you become”. We are part of a vast whole within which we co-create. We are not a singular, linear system that has absolute control. We have the power of free will and the ability to choose how we think, act and react.

What we think, believe, perceive and feel deeply affects the quality of our life. In the cave of depression and when we witness despair, we can feel safe to look within and challenge our core beliefs. We may be holding on to outdated beliefs about ourselves, about others and about the world that keep us small and hidden. The cave of depression can become an incubator for newness, just as when we were in the womb. In the practice of witnessing, we become open to the field of possibility and learn to see things as they are, allowing ourselves to flourish in the fullness of the whole.

We live in a world that still does not quite value the feminine qualities of receptivity, introspection, emotional fluidity, and intuition as much as we value the masculine qualities of productivity, order, logical reasoning and taking charge. Depression, I believe, is prevalent today partly due to our inability socially to know how to feel comfortable with the notion of life unfolding organically.

We are organic beings. We do not have it all figured out. Most of us have little understanding of what is actually happening in the now, let alone what happened a few minutes ago or yesterday. We certainly don’t know what will happen tomorrow. We live in a natural world that is huge and mysterious. Imagine the incredible depth and perfect chaos that you see when you look at all the leaves of a tree! They are all different. They all have their unique place. They all flutter in the wind in their own way. Yet they are all connected to the same trunk.

We cannot expect ourselves to have things all figured out. Ultimately, we are not in control. We have free will, which is the power of choice. We learn to make wise, whole, full, well-rounded choices in the moment that are fed by the voice of our soul, which is connected to the magnificence of the universe. We learn to live in the fullness of not knowing. When we let go of trying to have it all figured out, we may just find we start enjoying the perfection of this moment as it is, rather than trying to make it into something it is not.

Imagine a world where you feel you can say how you are feeling without being judged. Imagine that it is ok to not know exactly when you are going to complete a task. Imagine that others trust that you are doing the best you can at any given moment. Imagine that you are fully supported exploring an intuitive relationship with yourself, with your unique personal healing.

What if I suggested that that world already exists? What if I suggested that it exists in the perfection of the now? As we let go of core beliefs that keep us small and as we challenge our perceptions, we see that ultimately, we are all just doing the best we can. There is a lot of suffering on the planet. We all have the capacity for growth and change. Some people embrace the positive possibilities. Some stay in the impossibilities. The choice is up to each one of us. If we could look at ourselves with the eyes of the angels and give ourselves the love they have for us! Perhaps, if we were open, we might just see that the angels are among us…

(Continues tomorrow with The Angels Are Among Us)

 

Ask Parvati 25: Depression and Despair - Part 3: Beyond The Veil And Into The Cave

PART 3: DEPRESSION: BEYOND THE VEIL AND INTO THE CAVE

(Continued from Witnessing Despair)

Depression is like a dark, heavy veil that masks our ability to see the light. Whether or not it is clinical, it is due to a change in the chemistry in our brain. But what is the source of that chemical change? There is nothing in this life that is purely physical that is not also connected to the unseen in some way. We are not strictly physical beings that are unaffected by emotions, thoughts and spiritual laws. The field of pure consciousness always is. We may see ourselves as separate, but we are always held within the whole.

When we are depressed, unlike despair, we have temporarily lost our desire to engage the world. But perhaps that is ok. Unlike despair that calls for understanding and release, depression can be a cue to go deeper. When we meet depression with a sense of attention and kindness, without judgment, we may find that we are being invited by our soul to go within, to enter the cave of our hidden mysteries. We live busy and often disconnected lives. Easily caught up in what others think, how we appear in society, how others look in the media, we can lose touch with our own, unique inner voice. Depression just may be calling us to go within.

Our personal health, just like the universe as a whole, moves to sustain balance. When we have expressed too much outward energy, we are drawn to move more inward. If we remain too inward, we must also move out. Depression may be a cue that we need to regain balance and adjust our inner and outer relationship.

It is good to create some discipline in your life, a little bit like cave housecleaning. Doing inner work is essential in depression. Going inward to ask yourself questions, to get to know yourself better, to make friends with your soul are essential to releasing the energy trapped in the feeling of stagnant depression.

At the same time, go for daily walks, even just for five minutes. If you already do that, go to the gym or join a fitness class. But keep your very important inner work alive. Invite the wisdom of depression into your life. It just might be your soul trying to get your attention, saying that you need to make some changes in your life.

When we take this gentler, more internal and inquisitive approach to depression, it is healthy to also maintain certain external activity, to help keep a balanced state of consciousness. If you tend to have more of an extroverted life, then book time with a therapist where you can be supported to go inward. Start journal writing where you can express your deepest feelings and freely explore your internal landscape. Regularly take a bath and treat yourself to the nurturing, cave-like warmth with the addition of some Epsom salts for relaxation, and fragrant essential oils to soothe and inspire, like bergamot, lemon or rose.

Most of all, when you feel depressed, make friends with yourself by getting to know what you are really feeling. Avoid medicating with things like ice cream and cakes. That will only keep you stuck and trying to stuff down and silence your voice. Go inside in a way that feels safe for you. And do some activity. When you go within, you likely will find that you tend to beat yourself up and get down on yourself quite a bit. That is because depression usually has a connection to unexpressed anger and feelings we have not yet released.

(Continues tomorrow with Depression And Anger)

 

 

 

Ask Parvati 25: Depression and Despair - Part 2: Witnessing Despair

PART 2: WITNESSING DESPAIR

(Continued from Depression and Despair)

Whether we see it or not, we are constantly held within an intelligent, loving whole. We are not isolated islands, but vast interconnected beings. When we are depressed, we are temporarily unable to sense this interconnection. Masked by heavy clouds, we cannot see the light of the sun. All we see are the clouds. By contrast, when we are despaired, we are temporarily unwilling to see the sun, attached to the heaviness of the clouds. Our focus has locked on the clouds and all we believe to be real are those clouds. We have eclipsed the sun.

 

Through exploring my own emotional landscape, I have found that despair involves a giving up, a self-pity, an implosion, a co-creation with an impossibilities dynamic that pulls me away from my truest magnificence. Despair is like the kryptonite on our I Am journey. It pulls us into a black hole of nothingness that envelops the force of life.

I do not believe that there ultimately is any real benefit to the feeling of despair, other than courting interference and hindering our evolution. When we feel despair, we need to learn to see it as it is, like a trick in our consciousness that convinces us that something unreal is real. We need to accept despair as it is, while being rooted in the understanding that it is passing illusion. We learn to not fight it, push or pull at it. We learn to greet this moment in all its fullness just as it is. We learn to witness despair and allow it to release, without giving it undue energy. Eventually, the temporary spell of despair will pass if we are willing to see beyond that perspective and open to other possibilities.

Other than this mindful understanding of despair, and looking into why we feel that way, healing when we feel despair involves activation, like jumping up and down, going for a walk, looking at the trees, seeing a bigger picture. When we feel despair, we have given up on the goodness of life. Life has shrunk down to the size of our own self-importance, which at this time is convinced we suck and are worthless. We have lost the big picture. We have bought into the temptation to feel disconnected and hard done by.

When despair knocks at our door, we can welcome it, just like any other emotion, without attachment, without judgment. We watch our feelings, just like any other. There is nothing gained by judging them and saying to ourselves that we have failed or that we are bad. We learn to witness these feelings, just as they are.

When we witness things as they are, we do not add any story to what is. Despair simply is. We are co-creating with impossibilities and erroneous perceptions. We learn to not add any additional information that supports the feeling of despair. Instead, we patiently, quietly, sit and watch as the clouds of despair slip by, instead of trying to wrestle with them, or instead of crumpling into a pile of hopeless because we feel we can’t “get rid of them” while they remain in the sky. We learn to witness what is and know that these feelings will shift. Whatever is the emotional trigger for our temporary sense of despair will eventually pass. With quiet wisdom and self-compassion we will find a sense of internal space. When we are willing to give ourselves the gentleness, the love and the understanding we need, we will shift and the sun in our lives will once again shine.

 

 

(Continues tomorrow with Depression: Beyond The Veil And Into The Cave)

 

Ask Parvati 25: Depression and Despair, Part 1

I have been receiving wonderful feedback about this blog. Thank you for reading and for sharing your feedback. There is a comment section at the end of each entry where you are welcome to leave your remarks.

Thank you too for your continuing to send in your questions. Each week, I randomly pick a question to answer from the submissions, which must be in by Thursday. If you have a question you would like answered, send yours in to ask@parvatidevi.com by Thursday each week.

I post the first part of my answer every Sunday and following portions each day throughout the week until my answer is complete. This week, we look at depression and despair.

Dear Parvati,

I have had a tough time with periods of depression and despair. I have tried medications but am not finding lasting relief. I wondered if you could talk a bit about how to overcome depression and despair.

PART 1: DEPRESSION AND DESPAIR

When we are depressed, we feel sad and heavy. When we are despaired, we feel alone and disconnected. In darker emotional states, we can feel unable to deal with our lives, overwhelmed sometimes by even the smallest things, like going outside to collect the mail.

Out of habit and sometimes due to socialization, we try to push our feelings away. We don’t like them. We may feel that they betray our image of ourselves. We may feel too exposed and out of control. We may feel that we will not be loved if we show our true colours. We don’t want to talk about the painful stuff, the things that hurt. We don’t know how to get out of the heaviness, the feeling of burden, the feeling of no hope and being at a dead end.

No one wants to be depressed. No one enjoys feeling despair. Yet we all face depression and despair at one time or another in our lives.

Depression is not the same as despair. When we are despaired, we feel no hope. Despair is a state of consciousness, co-creating in the impossibilities. Depression is biochemical listlessness that causes difficulty activating. When we feel depressed, we may feel the possibility that things could change, yet we feel unable to find the zest to reactivate and reconnect with our vitality and engaged living. When we feel despair, we don’t feel possibility. When we are depressed, life can seem like a movie going on in front of us. We feel out of the picture, unsure how to reenter the fullness of life. When we feel despair, we don’t even believe in the picture and don’t care to reenter it.

For some, depression and despair are an ongoing struggle that colour every day of their lives. With the desire to find relief from the heaviness, people can turn to medical help, to exercise for endorphin release, to all encompassing projects that create singular focus or to entertainment and drugs for temporary distraction and numbness. But none of these will provide lasting solutions. We must go deeper.
Clinical depression is different than occasional depression that we can all feel from time to time. It is a mood disorder that interferes with the ability to conduct a healthy life. In clinical depression, there are biochemical factors, which are beyond the scope of this blog. Clinical depression is for your doctor to diagnose and requires medical attention.

However, whether you suffer from a medical condition or a passing case of the blues, we can explore the landscape of depression and despair with similar care and attention, on top of any additional support you may be receiving for your particular situation. Over the coming days, I would like to do that with you here.

(Continues tomorrow with Witnessing Despair)